I need a sanity check....Long Story About the Wife

[So-Calbeerbrah]

I feel for you dude. I may not be a brewing expert, but I've been with my wife for 22 years, and can tell you that lasting relationships are built on trust.

Let us all know how "the talk" goes.

 

[UndeadFred]

Okay.. well everyone is going to hate me for saying this, but I'd end this thread on a beer home brewing group in case things get ugly. She will use it against you. Even if she doesn't want to once a vulture of a lawyer gets a hold of it... well....

But yeah.. if you are young and don't have kids, you need to make your mind up fast. Luckily I have no such issues with my wife, but I had a girlfriend like that and even though I was 100% in the right I am the one who suffered legally, fiscally and morally. Unfortunately even now, "from a guys point of view" things are stacked against you when dealing with authority.

Right off the bat if you have stuff in your profile here that can identify you, please remove them.

But if you do not have kids odds are that you will be better off ending this and finding a new relationship than trying to fix it... sorry.... it tends to only get worse with very little exception and life is short. If you have kids.. well.. that is more complicated. It usually ends up the same but being more stubborn is advised in that case. Good luck.

 

[Bosh]

In the past some of my wife`s friends were cheating so I got a front row seat to some of the song and dance. Things like:
-Sudden schedule changes on the weekend.
-Going waaaay out of their way to "prove" that they were hanging out with friends of the same gender when the person they were cheating with was also there (often double dates with me, my wife, cheater and pereon they were cheating with and then the cheater did a video call to show my wife`s face to "prove" it was only the two of them, kept my damn mouth shut bit damn that was painfult to watch).
-Lying about small details.

 

[Mismost]

Been married 31 years now and am happy. But, Buddy it took me three tries to get it right. I do regret those first two marriages...what happened to me...and what happened to them too. What ever you do, stay sane, stay in control...things can get real nasty, but you do not have to get nasty. Easier said than done. My heart and prayers go out to you.

 

[alane1]

That's a terrible situation to be in. My wife and I have been together for awhile and haven't had any problems like that but I had an ex back in the day that was cheating. She made me feel like I was crazy. I never had any proof, only suspicions. I'm not a jealous person by nature so the feeling of being suspicious drove me mental.
I eventually broke it off with her and started dating my future wife, what a world of difference. We're totally happy to this day. I later found out the truth of my ex's cheating from a "buddy" of mine that later confessed that she was cheating the whole time.
My point is that even if you don't have any hard-core evidence, a cheating spouse is just something you know. A wise old man once told me that if you suspect your girl is cheating...she probably is! Unless you are the jealous type, your suspicions are probably rooted in at least some truth. Just be sure to keep a cool head and don't do anything that can be used against you in court.
All the best, Cheers

 

[CGVT]

You know what's going on. Hell, you knew before you found the texts, you were just ignoring the facts.

That's the way it works.

There were/are probably more than this guy.

If there are no kids involved, run. Run fast and don't look back. If there are kids involved, run a little slower, but still run.

Life is too short to be miserable. If you stay, you will be miserable.

(BTW, I speak from experience and have seen it many times in other people)

 

[gspot]

My wife's sister started screwing another guy so she could get out of her unhappy marriage. For some reason, she felt that was the only sure-fire way out. I don't know you guys personally, but sometimes women (and men) do stupid **** like that instead of just openly saying they are unhappy and want out. You might want to address that potentiality in your discussion. I'm sure you're a great guy and all, but maybe this is her way of communicating that she's not emotionally mature enough to be in a committed relationship or just doesn't want to be in one. Take this with a grain of salt. ..

 

[theonetrueruss]

should have just collected evidence and hit her with it in court

 

[beerfactory]

should have just collected evidence and hit her with it in court

hate to admit, but this is what I what do were it my hat in the ring

 

[madscientist451]

Am I crazy to think something is going on here? There was a lot of just friendly banter in the text message outside of the specific examples that I brought up. I just feel, in my gut, like something happened while she was there and would likely happen again if they're back together for some reason. How does somebody approach this sort of subject in a marriage?

TLDR: I think my wife is messing around on me while out of town for business.

First of all, my qualifications to make comments about this: Married 22 years, knew her 7-8 years before marriage, now happily divorced, found a great lady who I'm going to stick with as long as she'll have me....
My ex was going on many trips without me, became somewhat more and more distant, finally hooked up with the guy she's now with......

So you really need to ask yourself: What is the state of your marriage?
Do you and the Mrs have it "going on" in and outside the bedroom? Are you and her friends? Do you do things together that are fun? Are you tired of her/ is she tired of you? Don't beat around the bush, ask her is she wants a divorce. If she says "yes", then get rid of her and move on, you can't change the way she feels. If she says "No" then find out what it is she wants from the marriage, maybe she needs some action on the side, is that a deal breaker for you? Be honest with yourself. Do you see your marriage being saved? I can't recommend divorce for anyone, it sucks. But you can come of out of it in way better shape than you are right now. Are you a happy person? Has the marriage been good or so-so for a while? Marriage counselors are of questionable value, some ok, some not so good.
Sorry its happening to you, but it seems like its the way things go these days. The good news is if you do split up, there has never been a better time to look for a new woman, there's plenty of them out there.....

 

[alha]

A little late to this party, but I will 3rd - or whatever - the thought of asset protection. Once the proverbial stuff hits the fan, as it most likely will, things could go in any direction, and I've seen some pretty despicable behavior. Since it's already evening, the discussion is probably already happening, and I hope you had a chance to take care of business before the it took place. Best of luck, hope you come out the on the other end in a better place than you have been for the last year. I believe you will, but it will probably be painful till you get there. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Hello]

She has no respect for you or her marriage. The minute she cheated, and letting a guy go down her pants IS cheating, that would be the end. While it is possible she'll never cheat again, I would not chance it. Now, some time later she's gearing up again.

I couldn't recover from cheating. I'd never believe a word the guy says to me if he cheated on me. If he was willing to disrespect me and the marriage once, he'd do it again.

Sorry man, I think she is a selfish woman who clearly needs to move on out. No doubt it's not that easy to you, but you know what has to be done. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself mad every time she's not by your side.

 

[CGVT]

She has no respect for you or her marriage. The minute she cheated, and letting a guy go down her pants IS cheating, that would be the end. While it is possible she'll never cheat again, I would not chance it. Now, some time later she's gearing up again.

I couldn't recover from cheating. I'd never believe a word the guy says to me if he cheated on me. If he was willing to disrespect me and the marriage once, he'd do it again.

Sorry man, I think she is a selfish woman who clearly needs to move on out. No doubt it's not that easy to you, but you know what has to be done. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself mad every time she's not by your side.

And if she tries to tell you how much she loves you and convince you to stay with her with really good sex, don't fall for it.

You will find good sex again

 

[Aristotelian]

If you didn't find the texts, would you say everything else in the marriage is OK? If so, then I could see how you might be able to work through this. If the cheating is just a symptom of deeper issues, it is time to talk to a lawyer and protect yourself. No kids involved?

 

[JeepGuy]

A lot of these responses are based on what I've presented as being cut and dry. What I presented is absolutely one sided, written out of pain and anger, and as such I'm sure it's painting her in as bad of a light as possible. We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. She seems to think I'm crazy and I think she's either very stupid, very naive, or doesn't want to admit to what is happening. I actually think it's some of all 3 of those. She and I will be discussing it tomorrow again and from a slightly different approach.

 

[JeepGuy]

If you didn't find the texts, would you say everything else in the marriage is OK? If so, then I could see how you might be able to work through this. If the cheating is just a symptom of deeper issues, it is time to talk to a lawyer and protect yourself. No kids involved?

If I hadn't looked at the texts, I'd have not thought twice about the whole trip.

 

[treacheroustexan]

I dated a girl for a few years, and a year or so into it, we were "going at it" and her phone started going off, and I just happened to look over and see "hey baby/sexy/hun blah blah blah" blowing up her phone. Idiot me stayed in the relationship, and stuff like that kept happening. She said she would change each time, and it just didn't happen. Fortunately, I ended up getting out of it and it was the greatest thing ever. Don't end up like that. Yeah, you can work through it but it's not worth all of the worrying (maybe it is to you, just my opinion). My current girlfriend and I have been together 3 years and I haven't looked through her phone one time, and I don't feel like I have a reason to.

 

[Jravpro1]

Yeah, you gotta' have a talk with her. Be honest about how this aspect of her personality makes you feel. (Chicks get off on that touchy-feeley stuff.) It's great for her to act fun and flirty with YOU, but tell her you don't understand WHY she acts this way with other guys. See if you can get her to speculate on why she acts this way. Maybe she's masking some deep negative thoughts about herself? Everyone is insecure in their own way.

Ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed: with you flirting and sending texts to women she doesn't know at 4AM, etc.

If she refuses to talk about it, or to listen to your feelings, or cop to her part of the situation; then you have a problem. Look for a marriage counselor who can help each of you discuss and understand your personal commitment to the marriage.

(My 2 cents...)

 

[GaBrewZoo]

Trust. That is the key. Been married 35 years. I've never thought twice about not trusting her. And I don't think she has about me. I work nights and sometimes she says she's going out with friends, some of which are guys and I tell her to have a good time and I'm not the least bit jealous. I trust her. If I found out something did happen, and I would, then that trust would be gone, and not earned back for a long time, if ever. Don't stay in a relationship without trust. You'll always be looking over everything they do and make both of you miserable.

 

[FatCat11cz]

It's time to take the red pill bro. I see a future MGTOW. (Man going their own way). Sorry to hear it man. Hopefully it will not cost you too much of all you have gained and work hard for to drop her.

 

[Hoppy2bmerry]

If I hadn't looked at the texts, I'd have not thought twice about the whole trip.

This is a really serious issue... I know I probably sound like capt. Obvious here. For some people infidelity is a deal breaker- relationship over. Others can and do work through the pain and stay together, ussually with professional help. A therapist can be an impartial non-judgmental guide. Sometimes you can end up having a stronger connection as a result.

You are right to think her drinking during these trips is part of the problem, it is always more difficult to make sound decisions when intoxicated. Some would say cheaters are looking to get needs met that are not otherwise being met. It isn't alwYs about sex, but that is an obvious betrayal.

I am a counselor, so that is my biase. I have seen people end things and get back together. If you love each other and have an investment in the marriage then work on it. Get some help, and if she if not willing to go with you do it for yourself.

Sorry you are going through this. Be well.

 

[BarrelAgedForrest]

A lot of these responses are based on what I've presented as being cut and dry. What I presented is absolutely one sided, written out of pain and anger, and as such I'm sure it's painting her in as bad of a light as possible. We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. She seems to think I'm crazy and I think she's either very stupid, very naive, or doesn't want to admit to what is happening. I actually think it's some of all 3 of those. She and I will be discussing it tomorrow again and from a slightly different approach.

This happened to me years ago, relationship was a year or so old. The girl had myspace messages (time line for you lol myspace) With her previous boyfriend. Long story short her best friend was pushing her to cheat on me with him just because why not. She didn't admit to anything until I pulled the evidence. I was dumb enough to then stay with her almost another 2 years. And wow did I miss out on a ton of life. You already have a very valid sexual incident, drunk or not. And now you have a flirty novels worth of written evidence. I dare say this, does she send you little play boy bunnies?

Whats the time invested here? A year? 5 years? 20 years? Are there kids? You guys own a home together?

She would already be basically swimming in ice water as the thin ice would have broken through. If she is not willing to admit where and how she was in the wrong I would strongly suggest you start getting her stuff together for her and showing her the door... Then again Im a cold hearted son of a gun after my previous relation****s... Current one is going strong at over 3 years though!

 

[Bosh]

A lot of these responses are based on what I've presented as being cut and dry. What I presented is absolutely one sided, written out of pain and anger, and as such I'm sure it's painting her in as bad of a light as possible. We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. She seems to think I'm crazy and I think she's either very stupid, very naive, or doesn't want to admit to what is happening. I actually think it's some of all 3 of those. She and I will be discussing it tomorrow again and from a slightly different approach.

Think about it this way if you had done that stuff and you wife confronted you about it would you say "you're crazy?" or be apologetic? Why?

 

[madscientist451]

We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. .............. She and I will be discussing it tomorrow again and from a slightly different approach.

Reading between the lines here, if you can't have an open, ongoing discussion then you two have a communication problem. "Didn't get anywhere with it?" Did you ask her if she wants a divorce? Because it looks like the way she is acting and your reaction that's where you two are heading. Did you ask her if she thought the marriage was worth saving? Use up all the questions and things to say you have now, you don't want to be sorry later you should have said something.....

 

[gratus fermentatio]

TLDR: I think my wife is messing around on me while out of town for business.

She is.
Your choice on how to deal with it; basically it boils down to:
1.) Give her a chance to end it with the other guy & try to earn back your trust.
2.) Kick that ***** to the curb.
Sorry you're having these problems, same thing happened to a buddy of mine several years ago. He divorced her, found a girfriend 1/2 her age to keep him happy. Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.
Regards, GF.

 

[griffi]

A lot of these responses are based on what I've presented as being cut and dry. What I presented is absolutely one sided, written out of pain and anger, and as such I'm sure it's painting her in as bad of a light as possible. We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. She seems to think I'm crazy and I think she's either very stupid, very naive, or doesn't want to admit to what is happening. I actually think it's some of all 3 of those. She and I will be discussing it tomorrow again and from a slightly different approach.

What's the other side? There isn't one. She's not very stupid or naive. She's manipulative. She's not in denial to herself. She's denying it to you, despite the clear evidence she's drinking, cavorting, and catting around behind your back even if you don't have direct proof of intercourse. You shouldn't need any more proof. She's manipulative and she's stringing you along. You need to assess your personal strength to resist her. Leave now or regret it later.

 

[CGVT]

This is how this will work out:

1. You accept her lame excuses and act as if it really isn't happening because you don't want to give her up.

2. Every time she is gone you will have knots in your stomach because deep down, you know

3. There will be things that happen that you know are shady but you will ignore them or justify them somehow because you don't want to give her up.

4. Eventually you will quit caring and the knots will go away. This is when you will finally move on.

5. You will look back on it and wonder why you wasted so much time/many years of your life.

The sooner you get to #4 the better off you will be.

Good luck.

 

[Braumeise]

A lot of these responses are based on what I've presented as being cut and dry. What I presented is absolutely one sided, written out of pain and anger, and as such I'm sure it's painting her in as bad of a light as possible. We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. She seems to think I'm crazy and I think she's either very stupid, very naive, or doesn't want to admit to what is happening. I actually think it's some of all 3 of those. She and I will be discussing it tomorrow again and from a slightly different approach.

That is what I was thinking.

although and that is a huge although...

here is a female perspective on this issue:

Loyalty and Trust are most valuable components to a serious relationship.
I could never trust her again! No matter what she comes up with now.
Once there is a crack, it can't be mended.

It is like take a cup, smash it to the floor. Is is broken? Yes. Now say I am sorry and explain why you smashed it. Is it whole again? No. see?

When I am in a relationship I am totally immune to flirting or approaches from other guys. If I am not - something is utterly wrong in my relationship and I end it instantly. If I want something other, than I have, I won't find it, where I have something different, I will subconsciously always look elsewhere.

She needs something you can't give her. Face the fact.
And she will always fall for that "something" if it is within reach elsewhere.


No talking this over or explaining or digging for underlying causes will change this UNLESS she herself figures out, that what she has with you is more important to her, than what she presumably lacks...

Thats not a matter of talking or understanding, thats a matter of respect and valuation and obv. she does not have either for you or your marriage because none of this would have happened, if she did.

She might figure it out, once you are not a part of her life anymore... she might.

I can only speak for myself. It happened exactly once that I was dating someone and felt attracted to another guy. And the Moment that happened, like literally the evening of that day, that I found myself having a conversation with a stranger that touched me on a emotional basis where it should not have, while I was with someone, I broke up with that guy.

No talking no explanation needed. He wasn't "the one". Period.

and if you are someone who values trust and loyalty you need to have a partner who is "the one" for you and you need to know that you are the same to them.

Lots of relationships out there functioning on a different basis with a different set of tools - yes. Although from what you are saying so far it seems like the basis you need is trust, so a different approach to a relationship won't be something that you can be utterly happy with.

To close the circle here: the trust is quite blemished so I do not really see a way to get out of this except for a radical cut.

 

[kombat]

OP, you've gotten a lot of great advice here so far.

Right off the top, let me say, if there are no children involved, then you should just get out. It's not worth it. You can do better and you're worth more. If it's just you and your wife, then get down to the business of separating your lives.

However, if there are kids involved, then you owe it to the kids to at least consider trying to repair this relationship. But it takes two. I've been married for 15 years, together for 22, and in my opinion, the two most important things in a relationship are trust and honesty. You're being honest with her, but you don't trust her. She may trust you, but she's not being honest with you. That's not good enough. You both need both. If you think there's a remote chance that you can both get back to that place, then at least try. But you can't make her engage. If she's just going through the motions and not really invested in fixing things, then there's nothing else you can do. You can leave with a clear conscience, and hopefully your kid(s) will eventually understand and forgive you.

I disagree with the "hiding assets" advice. It's a marriage, it's 50/50, all you'll accomplish is dialing up the adversarial nature of the eventual divorce, and complicate the division of assets. That equals more time for lawyers, which translates into more money, further eroding whatever marital assets there are to be divided.

However, in the interest of injecting at least a little counterpoint to the discussion, allow me to play Devil's Advocate. We've only heard your side of the story. I'm a big fan of internalization and taking responsibility for what happens in your life. Her behaviour is not new. It's been building for a while. You either failed to notice it or were willfully ignorant. Have you been actively engaged in your marriage the whole time? Do you make an effort to do things with her? Do you still go on dates? Have romantic dinners? Hang out with the same friends? When's the last time you bought her flowers or complimented her?

If we heard her side of the story, what would she complain about regarding you and this marriage? Would she say she feels like she's doing all the work in the household, working a job that necessitates a lot of travel while you get to stay home and brew beer? Would she say she feels like she works harder than you at her job, and then ends up doing the majority of the housework to boot? Who does most of the cooking and cleaning? Have you had discussions in the past regarding an equitable division of housework and chores? Has this been building up for a while?

Again, I'm just wildly speculating here - I don't know anything about your situation other than what you've shared. I'm simply hoping to offer a little balance to the debate and give you some other angles to consider when deciding whether or not to blow up your (and your kid(s)'?) lives.

 

[theseeker4]

Be very, very careful about "hiding assets." That can come back to hurt you big time if you end up in divorce court etc. Definitely document all assets you have, so she can't take something and claim it never existed.

Talk to a lawyer, even before you decide whether you want to separate or divorce, because you need to find out what you should be doing leading up to that decision, and more importantly learning what you should NOT be doing so you avoid doing something that hurts you in court later on (such as hiding assets).

Crappy situation to be in, good luck.

 

[Braumeise]

If we heard her side of the story, what would she complain about regarding you and this marriage?

with all due respect - it doesn't matter what she would complain about since she did not address the issue in terms of trying to fix something that is valuable to her, but rather abandoned the scenery to find "pleasure/satisfaction or even only distraction" elsewhere.

Lost case, imo....

 

[TexasDroughtBrewery]

We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. She seems to think I'm crazy and I think she's either very stupid, very naive, or doesn't want to admit to what is happening. .

This is a deal breaker for me. You obviously found this conversation to be very important to you and your relationship. She...on the other didn't seem to take the conversation so seriously. To think you are crazy sounds like shes just making more excuses to cover the truth..I can just hear the way this went down and IMO it sounds like she controlled the conversation and you didn't get anything you wanted out of it. Sounds like bad news man.

 

[drainbamage]

To think you are crazy sounds like shes just making more excuses to cover the truth..I can just hear the way this went down and IMO it sounds like she controlled the conversation and you didn't get anything you wanted out of it.

This. Speaking only from what you've provided, it sounds like she deflected to make the conversation about you rather than about her. For her to be that defensive makes her seem A) guilty and B) unwilling to work with you.

Sounds like a tough situation. Good luck, man.

 

[Terek]

She's lying to you. You already know that. There isn't much more that needs to be said about that. Confront her about it and deal with the repercussions or ignore it and be a doormat.

this is 100% correct. I was in this same scenario years ago. I lightly confronted her in the beginning about questionable acts, and she blew up on me. I was the bad guy for even bringing it up. So for another 2 years, i ignored it, and it just got worse. More nights out with her "friends" that seemed to last longer and longer. She was always hiding things, didnt want me near her phone, or in her car. After a while i got used to it and just tried to forget. Because, she says nothing is going on, and because she was my wife, i believed her (to an extent)

Luckly, one of her friends was not a total pos and got sick of my wife "doing the things she was doing" and finally took some very disturbing pics from one of there nights out. I confronted her, pics in hand, and that was the end of it. We split up. She lost a very close friend, and i lost a very close friend (my friend was the one she was sleeping around with.....)

Luckly, after 4 years, i met my current wife, and we are sole mates for sure. We dated for 6 years before getting married. Now, 10 years in, we have 3 kids, a nice piece of property, and very happy lives.

Fact is, if she is doing something bad, you have to move on. The relationship will do nothing but go down hill. I denied it and lied to myself for 2 years, and all it did was make me waist 2 years of my life. It was ment to be, and mabe its ment to be for you as well.

Or she is not doing anything. But she should be honest and not care about your snooping. She should be the one to confront you, and take away any dought, if nothing is going on. But from what you explained, it seems pretty cut and dry. Dont make the mistake i did, and forget about it. Dont waist years with someone that is not ment to be. You dont get many years in this world.

Sorry bro, it sucks so bad, and the pain lasts a long time. But believe me, you will move past it. I did, and thought i never would.

FYI, i found out last week that my ex wife is getting another divorce, for the same reason. I warned her husband right off the bat how she was, and he would not listen to me. He called me last friday to apologize, and took me out for a beer. They were married for 3 years

 

[Terek]

This. Speaking only from what you've provided, it sounds like she deflected to make the conversation about you rather than about her. For her to be that defensive makes her seem A) guilty and B) unwilling to work with you.

Sounds like a tough situation. Good luck, man.

this. whether its (A) or (B) and whether she is doing something, or not, the fact that she was so defensive and basically blamed you, doesnt boad well. If it were not true, she should have done anything to prove you wrong. Not blame you to control the situation

 

[JoshuaW]

Im going to say some things different than what others have.

You can mend a broken relationship, and it can work. The key is making sure that you actually resolve ALL of the problems, not just one of them. The issue isnt just her (probably) cheating. She is (probably) stepping out for a reason. If you both want to be together, there is nothing that says you cant, but you should respect yourself enough to make sure you are comfortable with that outcome. If you cant see yourself fixing it, then call a divorce lawyer now, dont draw it out for the drama. If you cant fix it, you dont need answers, you dont need her side of the story, you just need out. That is okay.

Now if you do want to fix it, you need to actually fix it. You need to be upfront with her. Ask if she still wants to be married to you. You can ask if she cheated or not, it really doesnt matter. Accept whatever she tells you and believe it. If you are committing to this, then that is the only truth that matters. Talk about your relationship, ask what you can do to make it stronger. If you can stomach counseling, go for it. Make your expectations of the relationship known. If you want complete honesty, tell her that is what you require. If you want her to do what she wants to do, and you just dont want to know about it, that is fine too. Dont let people sway you, this is your relationship and if you can live with it, then it is a good solution. On the same hand, ask what she needs. Basically rewrite or at least review the rule book for your relationship, and establish clear lines of communication. She needs to know that you would rather have her tell you to your face "Im unhappy, and we need to fix this" than her step out. Or, if it comes to this, she should know that it is okay to say that she wants to end it.

If you can establish ground rules, and get past the original issue, you can definitely make it work. I went through a similar thing, and this is exactly what we did. Seven years later, and we are still together and very happy. Our relationship is built on trust and absolute honesty now, which is more than it ever was before.

Only the two of you can make the decision, and it is your decision to make. Getting advice from friends, family, and the internet is great, but at the end the day you have to live with it. Do whatever will make you happy.

 

[UndeadFred]

FYI, i found out last week that my ex wife is getting another divorce, for the same reason. I warned her husband right off the bat how she was, and he would not listen to me. He called me last friday to apologize, and took me out for a beer. They were married for 3 years

Sexist post of the month. I hear this all the time from the guys. Apparently that never happens with the women. Mars versus Venus thing I suppose. I know of guys who have been friends for 25 years now that the friendship was formed by unwittingly "sharing everything"..

Fred

 

[mcspanner]

One thing I know is that talking about this is the only way to find resolution one way or another. From what you've said it doesn't sound like she's been that open to constructive dialogue so far.

How did she explain things like the vegetarian comment and the "that pic's a keeper"- assuming you were completely frank about what you'd read on her phone. (Btw I would put money on the fact that if you were to look again those messages would be deleted- if so, there's only one reason I can think of to do that after you'd brought this up)

Hope the "different approach" your dialogue takes tonight is more productive.

 

[Cheesy_Goodness]

Late to the party but a lot of good advice here already.

You're definitely not blowing things out of proportion given your situation. You've got some convincing evidence, and it seems like she hasn't refuted anything, seeing as her best defense was calling you "crazy". If she can't give a good explanation for what you've found, you've got to assume you're correct. Hard simple fact but there it is.
Are there any of her friends you could talk to? Someone that she claims to be going out with regularly? If you promise anonymity there might be some help there.

I sincerely hope it goes better tonight but you'll have to decide how many non-answers you can tolerate before making a decision.

Good luck

 

[Aristotelian]

If I hadn't looked at the texts, I'd have not thought twice about the whole trip.

I am going to play Devil's Advocate here. If the marriage is otherwise in good shape and you don't have firm evidence, I would be open to a convincing explanation. I could imagine in a corporate environment sexual harassment is often accepted. She could be under pressure to put up with lewd advances and such to keep her job. Could that be what is going on here? From what I can see, the incriminating texts are more on "Steve"'s side than hers. This does not seem to be about her trying to sabotage the marriage, otherwise your talk would have been her opportunity to end it. May I ask, if kids are not involved, does she have a financial or other motive to stay in the marriage?