Girlfriend hides everything (need advice)

[GilaMinumBeer]

So you guys really suggest I just up and leave her?

Yeah. Because hiding books in teh refridgerator is theraputic and mature.

You asked for advice on a situation that seems to have traveled in circles for years. Eventually you gotta get off the roundabout and see where that leads you.

 

[SharonaZamboni]

Hate to break it to ya, mcarb. Once you start emailing conference requests, there's a short shelf life unless big stuff changes.

 

[edmanster]

So you guys really suggest I just up and leave her? Yeah that's a solution.

So you guys really suggest I just up and leave her? Yeah that's a solution.

If it's something she can't control and you really love her then you both will learn to live with it! If it's a control game that's being played and it's continuing after your feelings have been expressed but the sex is good, I fear it won't last because you're just a play toy with no regards to your feelings and you will be the one getting hurt eventually!!

 

[BrewKnurd]

So you guys really suggest I just up and leave her? Yeah that's a solution.

You started this whole thing with "So I am about to lose it here and really don't know what to do."

If you have told her repeatedly and she has not changed in the slightest, I'm not sure why you think she will change in the future. Unless you really haven't expressed how big of a deal it is (and I don't mean implied it, or hinted at it, i mean directly stated its a big deal) then I don't see what you're going to do differently to change her mind. She's an adult, you can't force her to do anything. For the sake of complete clarity, what i mean when I say "express how big of a deal it is" i mean you sit down with her and say "dear, this is literally driving me crazy and if it doesn't stop, I don't know if this relationship is going to keep working." If that doesn't change her behavior, nothing will, and then you either decide to deal with it or you don't.

In summary, if the situation is about to cause you to lose it, and you've already tried to motivate her to change her behavior by telling her how important it is to you, and you cannot change her behavior because she's an adult, then it seems like your choices are:

1) lose it
or
2) stop being in the situation that's causing you to lose it.

It seems you don't want 1, which is why people are suggesting 2. What are your other options?

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

You started this whole thing with "So I am about to lose it here and really don't know what to do."

If you have told her repeatedly and she has not changed in the slightest, I'm not sure why you think she will change in the future. Unless you really haven't expressed how big of a deal it is (and I don't mean implied it, or hinted at it, i mean directly stated its a big deal) then I don't see what you're going to do differently to change her mind. She's an adult, you can't force her to do anything. For the sake of complete clarity, what i mean when I say "express how big of a deal it is" i mean you sit down with her and say "dear, this is literally driving me crazy and if it doesn't stop, I don't know if this relationship is going to keep working." If that doesn't change her behavior, nothing will, and then you either decide to deal with it or you don't.

In summary, if the situation is about to cause you to lose it, and you've already tried to motivate her to change her behavior by telling her how important it is to you, and you cannot change her behavior because she's an adult, then it seems like your choices are:

1) lose it
or
2) stop being in the situation that's causing you to lose it.

It seems you don't want 1, which is why people are suggesting 2. What are your other options?

the other side is taht "maybe" suggestion number 2 will drive the point "home". And that either she wil realize that having your "stuff" there isn't so bad or, you will learn that you just made her place easier to afford.

 

[mcarb]

You started this whole thing with "So I am about to lose it here and really don't know what to do."

If you have told her repeatedly and she has not changed in the slightest, I'm not sure why you think she will change in the future. Unless you really haven't expressed how big of a deal it is (and I don't mean implied it, or hinted at it, i mean directly stated its a big deal) then I don't see what you're going to do differently to change her mind. She's an adult, you can't force her to do anything. For the sake of complete clarity, what i mean when I say "express how big of a deal it is" i mean you sit down with her and say "dear, this is literally driving me crazy and if it doesn't stop, I don't know if this relationship is going to keep working." If that doesn't change her behavior, nothing will, and then you either decide to deal with it or you don't.

In summary, if the situation is about to cause you to lose it, and you've already tried to motivate her to change her behavior by telling her how important it is to you, and you cannot change her behavior because she's an adult, then it seems like your choices are:

1) lose it
or
2) stop being in the situation that's causing you to lose it.

It seems you don't want 1, which is why people are suggesting 2. What are your other options?

Thanks for the good advice.

 

[Dawnhulio]

...For the record, I sent her an email from work saying that we need to discuss this issue because it truly is driving me crazy. I then told her where she can find her stuff.

Good move...taking the higher road. I'm in agreement with those advising you have a serious, non-defensive conversation regarding her actions, reactions and behavior...including the reasons she does this, how you can *both* resolve some of it (I.e. you work out where stuff can go ... and then put it away in its 'proper' spot) ... and that if there is no effort to make changes you will need to consider other action (such as ending the relationship) . If this is *that* important to you she needs to know how crazy its making you feel.

I think the other thing you need to ask yourself is that - should you both come to a fair conclusion on how to change some of this - are you willing to allow time for habits to be formed (and I'm talking a couple months at least - we all know it takes time to establish a new routine)? If not, its probably time to move on.

 

[nasty_rabbit]

Life was so much easier for my grandfather, when a woman knew her place and stayed there.

 

[BrewKnurd]

Life was so much easier for my grandfather, when a woman knew her place and stayed there.

Sure hope you're kidding.

 

[nasty_rabbit]

Sure hope you're kidding.

sar·casm noun \ˈsär-ˌka-zəm\
Definition of SARCASM
1: a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain
2a : a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual

 

[nasty_rabbit]

I have read this thread in its entirety and feel as if I am watching Animal House when Bluto rants about “OOOH Bluto I’m too sacred to do what is obvious (paraphrasing}”. Either Suck it up and live with it or pull up your panties and get out.

 

[Hugh_Jass]

If you have told her and she continues, either she doesnt care about you or doesnt respect you. Playing hide and seek with her new book will do little to change that.

 

[IXVolt]

If you move out, you have to come to terms with only be taking 60% of your stuff.

Good luck finding the rest.

 

[rjsnau]

To the OP:
If you are really serious about a future with this girl why don't you try moving into an apartment for s year together and rent out her place (or just leave it empty if you can swing it or if there is no mortgage). Then you have a place that is both of yours and you can see if it gets any better. I know many times this is not reasonable but just a suggestion if it is an option for you. It would give you your answer if it is just bc it is her place she has lived in forever.

 

[oakbarn]

PW. SHMBO and not even married.

 

[Zamial]

PW. SHMBO and not even married.

She Hides Mostly By Obsession?

She Hides My Beloved Objects?

 

[govner1]

Gtfu!

 

[Sacdan]

TLDNR. I have skipped to the last page of this thread. Sorry for not reading pages 2-12. I have a simlar issue with my wife. I can be outside working on something, set down a wrench, grab for it 30 seconds later, and its gone. My wife is extremely organized to the point of being anal. She has good intentions, but it drives me me crazy. I get frustrated easily. So, I just asked her to stop moving my stuff without telling me. If she wants to organize, fine. Just tell me. She still does it. I just keep reminding her.

 

[bottlebomber]

As I read through this thread, it occurred to me that you are a lot like a guy I work with. He is constantly coming to me looking for things because he easily gives up when it comes to finding something. I think when he looks for an object, he doesn't have a mental picture of what he is looking for. The Saran Wrap was in the OTHER drawer? How hard did you really look for it before you just gave up looking?
You've already stated that the place is tiny. How about you put a little effort into getting the lay of the land, instead of whining on the Internet about it. You sound lazy. If this is the case you are probably not going to move out, but will likely do things to irritate her until she THROWS you out. This is probably going to be coming soon, since she sounds to be a capable woman who can fend for herself. Maybe tonight, when she wants to read her book. The good news though is that there is only the one nightstand in the motel room you'll be staying in, and everything will be very easy to find.

 

[mcarb]

As I read through this thread, it occurred to me that you are a lot like a guy I work with. He is constantly coming to me looking for things because he easily gives up when it comes to finding something. I think when he looks for an object, he doesn't have a mental picture of what he is looking for. The Saran Wrap was in the OTHER drawer? How hard did you really look for it before you just gave up looking?
You've already stated that the place is tiny. How about you put a little effort into getting the lay of the land, instead of whining on the Internet about it. You sound lazy. If this is the case you are probably not going to move out, but will likely do things to irritate her until she THROWS you out. This is probably going to be coming soon, since she sounds to be a capable woman who can fend for herself. Maybe tonight, when she wants to read her book. The good news though is that there is only the one nightstand in the motel room you'll be staying in, and everything will be very easy to find.

Wow, jump to conclusions much?

The saran wrap was not in the other drawer, it was up on a shelf in a cabinet where tools and whatnot are usually kept. On the other side of the kitchen in a place where not one single kitchen related item exists. That would be like your SWMBO placing your brewing equipment on the roof and you "not looking hard enough". In this case, I looked for quite a while. In fact, it was several weeks before I discovered. Her response was actually kind of sheepish on that one.

But hey, believe what you want. I'm out. Thanks to those with thoughtful advice. To those of you who feel it this is your chance to cut a guy down, have at it. It seems to be the same group that never misses a chance.

 

[oakbarn]

Obviously BottleBomber has no SWMBO or a SHMBO! My wife likes to more things around. Just when I get used to the new spot, she does it again. I lock up my beer stuff.

 

[bottlebomber]

I have a wife and also run half a machine shop full of morons that can't put the same thing in the same place twice. If you think that finding the Saran wrap in a 100 sq ft kitchen is hard, try finding a custom ground broaching tool that's the size of a paper clip in a 20,000 sq foot shop. And that's why I'm not jumping to conclusions, but reading between the lines. So it was on the shelf and not the drawer. It seriously took 2 weeks for you to get to the bottom of that little mystery?
My wife putting my brew gear on the roof is not an acceptable analogy, because people do not store things on the roof. If I couldn't find a bright orange 10 gallon cooler because it was in a different part of the garage I might start a thread about it too.

 

[devilbrewer75]

too hard to say. I think you are right, mostly, but dunno this girl from a glory hole.

My wife, however, is pathetically lazy. The saran wrap got a new home cause she was too goddamned lazy to walk her fat ass over to that other spot and the spot it lives at now was conveinient to her location when she needed to drop the fecking saran wrap ...

But i am not angry.

+1000

 

[MyNameIsPaul]

Hey Mcarb- if I came off as a rude a-hole, my apologies. I think you've had a hard day, and I may have poked at your situation a little bit.

Lots of good things said here today, hope some of it hit home.

(Internet hug over) now go brew some damn beer!

 

[the_bird]

(Internet hug over) now go brew some damn beer!

"Goddamnit. Where the **** did she put my wort chiller?"

 

[TxBrew]

I read through this and, to me, it sounds like it's time for you to move out.

The kind of petty, spiteful things you two are resorting to should only be practiced by married people with kids.

LOL.


Mcarb, I think most of us go through it. It's the little things that can make relationship great, or kill it.

Just ask her day one. At least you won't spend four days looking for something.

I ask my wife all the time "Where did you hide the _____?". It's usually where it belongs and not on the floor, desk, shelf I decided was a better place for it out of laziness.

 

[weirdboy]

Obviously BottleBomber has no SWMBO or a SHMBO! My wife likes to more things around. Just when I get used to the new spot, she does it again. I lock up my beer stuff.

I am curious what SHMBO stands for. I know what SWMBO stands for, but maybe you don't...

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Its a lesser used hip-hop spelling. She Hoo Muzt Be Obeyified.

 

[dfc]

Punch her in the face. That will solve the issue.

 

[dfc]

.... which is why it's so much smarter (IMO) to move in with your committed partner before getting married. Not speaking ill of marriage at all, but sure seems foolish to make a lifetime commitment to someone before you know if you really work together.

That's why you get to know the person before getting married. There are plenty of ways to get to know someone before you move in with them.