Girlfriend hides everything (need advice)
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SharonaZamboni
Senior Member
You haven't told us where you're putting your stuff. If your expensive headphones were sitting on the coffee table for three days, YA! they're gonna get moved.
I hide **** from myself all the time. Special stuff that I don't want to lose. Then I forget where I put it. I have many spots, and sometimes need to check most of them before I find the item.
Clear out a drawer or negotiate a cabinet for your stuff. Always Put Your Stuff there, and ask the lady to (if she must pick up after you) put any of your stuff there while cleaning.
About Saran wrap, that's weird if she always moves things like that. Ask her if she's always done this, even before living with you. Either she's recently begun as a result of new things arriving, or it's a longstanding habit of which you were unaware.
DO NOT arbitrarily designate your own room and keep the door locked at all times. This will seriously pis her off. I know, cause HWMC did this. So where should I put his stuff while cleaning? Maybe on the front lawn, under the "Tag Sale" sign, I'm thinking.
I hide **** from myself all the time. Special stuff that I don't want to lose. Then I forget where I put it. I have many spots, and sometimes need to check most of them before I find the item.
Clear out a drawer or negotiate a cabinet for your stuff. Always Put Your Stuff there, and ask the lady to (if she must pick up after you) put any of your stuff there while cleaning.
About Saran wrap, that's weird if she always moves things like that. Ask her if she's always done this, even before living with you. Either she's recently begun as a result of new things arriving, or it's a longstanding habit of which you were unaware.
DO NOT arbitrarily designate your own room and keep the door locked at all times. This will seriously pis her off. I know, cause HWMC did this. So where should I put his stuff while cleaning? Maybe on the front lawn, under the "Tag Sale" sign, I'm thinking.
It sounded preachy, at least how I read it. Ty, I apologize if it wasn't meant that way.
"Passive-aggressive" - yeah, that's the perfect descriptor for hiding her stuff. Not going to end well.
CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
If you are just venting, thats fine, vent away. But just know that every one of us who has lived with someone or is married is hearing your plan, and remembering today as the day your relationship was diagnosed with terminal cancer...
You are seriously better off getting out of this now than taking this course of action.
TyTanium
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Not a fun place to be in. How are other aspects of your relationship with her?
MyNameIsPaul
Well-Known Member
Eek! This all smells like a disaster waiting to happen. How about asking/discussing about making a certain area 'yours' and you can keep whatever you want there? And unhide the stuff, she's not going to go look for it, she's just going to go look for a new BF...
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You seem to think I am new to this.
CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
Either new or too close to it to see it rationally, yeah. I have absolutely no wishes to be "right" on this. I dont ever give advice so I can say "told you so." If I'm dead wrong that would be awesome, actually... but I really dont think I am. I think most others here agree with me as well...
Plus, Brohim, I hate to say it, but my father used to use techniques like what you are proposing to get me to pick up my toys. Its something you do to a child, not the woman you have an implied committment to. Its just bad form.
Billy356
Member
Look into the work of Skinner and try some operant conditioning
You will need to get a bag of treats..I suggest low-cal ones
Oh and you may have to construct a box....
You will need to get a bag of treats..I suggest low-cal ones
Oh and you may have to construct a box....
Bad form or no. I have tried to be reasonable. It doesn't work. Like I said, if this backfires, so be it. I have already come to the conclusion that my possessions mean nothing and are completely disposable. And quite frankly, this sucks.
Boerderij_Kabouter
Well-Known Member
In any cohabitation I have been involved with "putting things away" != "hiding my stuff". If you leave your "expensive" and "important" things out for days on end, that is on you. Maybe you need a big bin or something where the random crap you leave lying around can get dumped. Objectively reading your story it seems like you are much more out of line than she is.
Sorry.
There is a major difference between what she is doing and what your retaliation is. She is putting your items, that have been left out, away. Cleaning is not a strange or foreign action. You are intentionally removing her items from a put away place and hiding them where she would not look for them. The difference is black and white. If you want things to end, just be a man about it and talk to her. Your hiding game is childish and unproductive.
I apologize if I come off harsh, and I understand that perhaps you didn't explain your situation fully through prose, but that is how I see the situation.
O/T - I also did not live with my wife until we were married. We dated for 8 years though, so there weren't many habitual surprises.
Sorry.
There is a major difference between what she is doing and what your retaliation is. She is putting your items, that have been left out, away. Cleaning is not a strange or foreign action. You are intentionally removing her items from a put away place and hiding them where she would not look for them. The difference is black and white. If you want things to end, just be a man about it and talk to her. Your hiding game is childish and unproductive.
I apologize if I come off harsh, and I understand that perhaps you didn't explain your situation fully through prose, but that is how I see the situation.
O/T - I also did not live with my wife until we were married. We dated for 8 years though, so there weren't many habitual surprises.
Boerderij_Kabouter
Well-Known Member
if that was tl;dr - Just pick up your crap. That is an easy solution to 90% of your stated problem.
Sounds like you need some lock boxes. A bathroom box that is bolted to shelf that is bolted to the studs. A tool box for your tools with a lock. And maybe a wooden chest that locks to keep your other stuff in. Then it is your responsibility to put the stuff away when you are done using it and secure it. In the military this was called a "foot locker".
There is no reason to fight an OCD type mental issue. If that is what this is...
I have the superpower makes females loose their sanity. They start off normal and then slowly "break". I finally found a girl that seems to be immune to my superpower so I married her after a 6 year courtship. We just celebrated our 1 year anniversary yesterday! We are as happy now as we were when we met.
The bottom line is you can accept and work around someones "quirks" or you can not. My wife has some quirks but they are manageable and I am sure she feels the same about me.
There is no reason to fight an OCD type mental issue. If that is what this is...
I have the superpower makes females loose their sanity. They start off normal and then slowly "break". I finally found a girl that seems to be immune to my superpower so I married her after a 6 year courtship. We just celebrated our 1 year anniversary yesterday! We are as happy now as we were when we met.
The bottom line is you can accept and work around someones "quirks" or you can not. My wife has some quirks but they are manageable and I am sure she feels the same about me.
MyNameIsPaul
Well-Known Member
Are you in love, or in lust? I know for a fact that I wouldn't work my ass off for the things that I like to buy just to have them deemed 'disposable' by a piece of tail.
As said in another forum I like, EJECT!!!
As said in another forum I like, EJECT!!!
Boerderij_Kabouter
Well-Known Member
I have no quirks and am perfect in everyway. That is why I can opine on this subject so well.
Boerderij_Kabouter
Well-Known Member
Rule No. 1, never move in with a "piece of tail".
CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
Am I wrong in assuming that this isnt the only sticking point between you both?
Seems to me that if you were having fun, not having serious money issues, had a healthy sex life, didnt have future inlaw troubles, had some similar interests, and your friends got along etc. etc. you wouldnt be willing to swallow the red pill because she moves your stuff to weird places...
SWMBO never answers her phone, but the idea of doing something punitive to "teach her a lesson" just stressed me the F out...
Seems to me that if you were having fun, not having serious money issues, had a healthy sex life, didnt have future inlaw troubles, had some similar interests, and your friends got along etc. etc. you wouldnt be willing to swallow the red pill because she moves your stuff to weird places...
SWMBO never answers her phone, but the idea of doing something punitive to "teach her a lesson" just stressed me the F out...
Advice I could have used prior to marriage No. 1.
CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
A couple of things, gf not answering her phone is not the same as hiding my stuff. Her stuff seems to stay on the table in the same place for weeks. My stuff, sitting next to her stuff, gets put away immediately in some random place.
Regarding me taking her "put away" stuff and hiding it, not the case. I put things that she left sitting out and hid them in much the same way she does it foe me. The difference, I know what Iam doing and I just emailed her to tell her where her stuff is. She will never tell me she moved something nor will she help me find it.
I keep going back to the saran wrap. Why? After living in a house for 14 years would you randomly decide to place saran wrap in a new place oin the other side of the room in a place that makes no sense?
And I am not swallowing any red pill. Yes we get along pretty well for the most part. This needs to change.
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I read through this and, to me, it sounds like it's time for you to move out.
The kind of petty, spiteful things you two are resorting to should only be practiced by married people with kids.
The kind of petty, spiteful things you two are resorting to should only be practiced by married people with kids.
MyNameIsPaul
Well-Known Member
I got a good chuckle out of that. Woke up the dogs and may have spit a little on the monitor.
Yeah, move out. She probably has pointy knees anyways.
SharonaZamboni
Senior Member
It may be a relationship where you can't live together. If she's had her place, alone, for 14 years, she's probably pretty set in her ways and can't adapt. Good luck
Yup, but it's always nice to move next door.
PistolsAtDawn
Well-Known Member
If she's compulsively moving your stuff and hiding it without moving hers, then I can totally feel your frustration. That's just... I dunno... odd. It feels like it may be some sort of subconscious need to mark her territory or something. Hell, I don't know. I'm not in the situation.
Well, I'm sure like most of us here, I feel for you. Most of us have probably been at that point in a relationship but for different reasons. If it's bothering you this much, then you have to ask yourself which path you're going to take since you're obviously standing at a crossroads (assuming she's unwilling to change her behavior).
I've stayed in relationships too long because they were convenient, eventually blowing my top because I let things go on for too long. If you find yourself at the point where you might end it, do yourself a favor and take the highest road you can find. I regret the way I handled certain things in my youth over similar frustrations. At least at the end of the day you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you weren't just petty about it and you actually tried before throwing in the towel.
Well, I'm sure like most of us here, I feel for you. Most of us have probably been at that point in a relationship but for different reasons. If it's bothering you this much, then you have to ask yourself which path you're going to take since you're obviously standing at a crossroads (assuming she's unwilling to change her behavior).
I've stayed in relationships too long because they were convenient, eventually blowing my top because I let things go on for too long. If you find yourself at the point where you might end it, do yourself a favor and take the highest road you can find. I regret the way I handled certain things in my youth over similar frustrations. At least at the end of the day you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you weren't just petty about it and you actually tried before throwing in the towel.
BrewKnurd
Well-Known Member
Ok, I am going to try to make sure I understand things as you have laid them out.
She will take something of yours and put it somewhere.
When you can't find it, you will ask her if she's seen it, and she gets defensive, saying that she doesn't move your stuff.
A few days later, when you say you've given up, she will casually tell you that she put it somewhere.
Is that an accurate assesment of how things normally go down? That's what I've pieced together from various posts.
If the above is true, then it seems like either:
1) she has multiple personality disorder
2) she has a really bad memory
3) she is truly trying to f with you
She will take something of yours and put it somewhere.
When you can't find it, you will ask her if she's seen it, and she gets defensive, saying that she doesn't move your stuff.
A few days later, when you say you've given up, she will casually tell you that she put it somewhere.
Is that an accurate assesment of how things normally go down? That's what I've pieced together from various posts.
If the above is true, then it seems like either:
1) she has multiple personality disorder
2) she has a really bad memory
3) she is truly trying to f with you
I think it goes back to what was mentioned at the start. It's HER place. Not THEIR place.
I just don't think she can adapt to living with someone after having things her way for so long. It may be subconscious. I don't know. But putting your stuff away and not putting her stuff away sounds a lot to me like she thinks your stuff is in the way and her stuff is right where she wants it.
On the other hand, after 14 years, that Saran wrap was ready for a change.
I just don't think she can adapt to living with someone after having things her way for so long. It may be subconscious. I don't know. But putting your stuff away and not putting her stuff away sounds a lot to me like she thinks your stuff is in the way and her stuff is right where she wants it.
On the other hand, after 14 years, that Saran wrap was ready for a change.
It seems that both parties in this relationship are more comfortable with the passive aggressive modality than with effective dialog.
Both need to be committed to open honest communication.
Even if you fix your end of the problem it won't last.
Start working on your exit strategy.
Sorry. busted relationships suck bad. but, of you hang around you might miss out on something better.
Both need to be committed to open honest communication.
Even if you fix your end of the problem it won't last.
Start working on your exit strategy.
Sorry. busted relationships suck bad. but, of you hang around you might miss out on something better.
MyNameIsPaul
Well-Known Member
Just wanted to drop these off...
