Dealing with Angry Wife when Upgrading Brewing Equipment: A How-To Thread

[bracconiere]

Your choice or theirs?

it's mutual!

 

[itsnotrequired]

Pay off every dollar of debt you have before you buy any “toys” or do anything beyond what’s imperative to stay alive. After that you can buy whatever you want. Having debt, especially debt you’re paying interest on makes zero sense. Not paying extra to get rid of debt and instead buying “toys” is only hurting you in the long run. That’s my opinion and how I’ve always lived my life.

but that cuts both ways. i'm not going to not take vacations, drive a crappy car, not go to the movies, not go out to dinner, etc. because i have a mortgage or some other debt and want to pay it off asap. that is the whole purpose of debt, it allows you to do something you otherwise wouldn't be able to do. sure, you 'pay more' in the long wrong but seems like that is a small price to pay to not live like a hermit. you only get one ride, might as well enjoy some of it.

 

[bleme]

As much as I love brewing, I'm leaning toward the wife on this one. We don't buy anything over $100 without talking about it and debts come first.

 

[Schlenkerla]

I don't know that I can add to this other than agree that your wife has right to be pissed. Sounds like you didn't address the issue the first time. Hence its no surprise now that she's pissed.

1- Setting budgets are a must.
2- Pay off all your debt first. (Non-mortgage)
3- Avoid big unnecessary expenses (See item #2)
4- Work off cash as a personal monthly allowance to monitor disposable spending.
5- Set aside your brewing funds until you are able pay for upgrades within the next credit card billing cycle. (Do so within item #4)
6- Brew within your means.

 

[Soulshine2]

Its a trap. There's always a salary threshold that people think if I could just get to there, life would be so easy and we could do whatever we want. As you get closer or pass it, you realize it was a mirage after all. Habits scale incredibly well.

what ??? I don't know their bills or needs but if somebody makes 6 figures and cant budget in entertainment or hobbies is severely mismanaging their money. (sorry OP) . Im sorry, my wife and I together luckily make mid- 5 figures and we manage to have fun . we go out to eat once in a while , we buys things, new clothing . GOOD FOOD and alcohol .She wont buy anything unless she absolutely "loves it" . I can live pretty simply. We discuss buying large purchases for rationality and practicality. She buys my brewing things if I put them in the Amazon cart . Life is too darn short to live like you cant have things. You go bust your butt 8-12 hrs a day 5-7 days a week , have something to show for it. LIVE. Whatever you're doing with 6 figures that the man cant have some brewing equipment ... cut down on some stuff you really "don't need" ,there is always something to cut out of the budget. Like ,just as an example, how many pairs of shoes does she have and how many of those that she actually wears .
I apologize. I once made high 5 figures for years by myself. My ex-wife mismanaged our money for years before I found out and in the mean time I couldnt have things, but she snuck buying a lot of frivolous things without my knowing plus credit debt.
Its time for a sit-down for a serious marital financial discussion... I guarantee it'll open your eyes.

 

[ehk089]

Is this a troll....or what?

 

[seatazzz]

I personally don't think it's a troll, but it seems to be an ongoing theme that I've read many times in my three years here. A happy marriage, to me, is two people (I don't care what gender) who have a common goal; to live their lives together in as much harmony as they can muster. Yes there are going to be hiccups along the way; if you know someone in a storybook "perfect" marriage, look for the prescription bottles in the medicine cabinet next time you visit. Yes, biased a bit, but I've seen too many of these "perfect" marriages spiral into disaster.

My husband and I have been married 14 years, together for 18; lots of issues that we have worked through over the years. He has a shoe fetish (okay maybe not a fetish, but there's a reason I call him the Imelda Marcos of Washington), I've been known to have a gambling problem. We've worked through it. When he feels the urge to buy the latest sneaker, he has to buy me a pair before he buys one for himself; if I feel the pull of the steering wheel when I pass a casino, I just have to think of what brewing equipment/ingredients I could buy with that money instead. So...that being said, I have some great shoes, and he has delicious beer to drink at home. Forgive me, but if you're in a committed relationship, it comes down to being less selfish, and thinking about the other person (or persons, if kids are involved) before you go out and spend +$1k on a brewing system that may mean you and the missus are eating Kraft dinner 5 days out of 7 (NTTAWWT) instead of something different, or putting off an electric bill instead of watching GOT. I learned a long time ago that asking permission for what I want is counterproductive, and almost always starts a fight; instead, I start a conversation about what beers we like, and what he might want me to brew; then we talk about $$, and if it's not feasible, oh well. There's always next paycheck when maybe more funds will be available.

Long post I know, but it all comes down to....if you don't communicate, and agree, sh*t goes down hill really quick.

 

[NGD]

what ??? I don't know their bills or needs but if somebody makes 6 figures and cant budget in entertainment or hobbies is severely mismanaging their money. (sorry OP) . Im sorry, my wife and I together luckily make mid- 5 figures and we manage to have fun .

Income is completely relative to your surroundings. For example its very difficult to live in San Fransisco on a high 5 figure salary. A 242sq ft apt will cost you a paultry $1600/mo, and thats the cheapest I could find.

Have to agree with others. Debt sucks. Work with your partner.

 

[Dland]

Hey hey, this has gone on a serious tone for quite too long without any sign of original poster. Time of the night for drunken ramblings:

To OP I'd say; do you love her? Does she love you? If so, figure it out between you, if not, figure it out between you.

My first thought was: wife,.. beer? wife,... beer? but then I realized the question was not; wife,... beer? but; wife,... beer making bling?

If she is nice at all, I'd go with the wife in that case, and by that I mean harmony with wife over splurge purchases.

If you are willing deal with humble appearances, you can make great beer with DYI & cobbled together gear, low cost, buy some pretty stuff when you're paid off, if you still want too.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Hey hey, this has gone on a serious tone for quite too long without any sign of original poster. Time of the night for drunken ramblings:

To OP I'd say; do you love her? Does she love you? If so, figure it out between you, if not, figure it out between you.

My first thought was: wife,.. beer? wife,... beer? but then I realized the question was not; wife,... beer? but; wife,... beer making bling?

If she is nice at all, I'd go with the wife in that case, and by that I mean harmony with wife over splurge purchases.

If you are willing deal with humble appearances, you can make great beer with DYI & cobbled together gear, low cost, buy some pretty stuff when you're paid off, if you still want too.

The temptation is there. However, we shouldn't talk about the OP. The mods will delete it if it's the wrong tone.

 

[bracconiere]

upgrades within the next credit card billing cycle

lol, i'd have to say savings accounts are so much better, never had a credit card myself....when i was a young early 20 something, i decided i don't like bills, and couldn't figure out how i'd keep credit on a credit card....

 

[Schlenkerla]

lol, i'd have to say savings accounts are so much better, never had a credit card myself....when i was a young early 20 something, i decided i don't like bills, and couldn't figure out how i'd keep credit on a credit card....

Just like your bank account can't be overdrawn. You still got checks!

 

[bracconiere]

Just like your bank account can't be overdrawn. You still got checks!

+1, but i use a debit card most of the time, checks are for property tax.....(i'm not even sure if they still take checks at the store, lol...And the damn bank only does transfers on weekdays, so if i need money from myself, i have to do it before the weekend)

 

[Bobby_M]

what ??? I don't know their bills or needs but if somebody makes 6 figures and cant budget in entertainment or hobbies is severely mismanaging their money. (sorry OP) . Im sorry, my wife and I together luckily make mid- 5 figures and we manage to have fun . we go out to eat once in a while , we buys things, new clothing . GOOD FOOD and alcohol .She wont buy anything unless she absolutely "loves it" . I can live pretty simply. We discuss buying large purchases for rationality and practicality. She buys my brewing things if I put them in the Amazon cart . Life is too darn short to live like you cant have things. You go bust your butt 8-12 hrs a day 5-7 days a week , have something to show for it. LIVE. Whatever you're doing with 6 figures that the man cant have some brewing equipment ... cut down on some stuff you really "don't need" ,there is always something to cut out of the budget. Like ,just as an example, how many pairs of shoes does she have and how many of those that she actually wears .
I apologize. I once made high 5 figures for years by myself. My ex-wife mismanaged our money for years before I found out and in the mean time I couldnt have things, but she snuck buying a lot of frivolous things without my knowing plus credit debt.
Its time for a sit-down for a serious marital financial discussion... I guarantee it'll open your eyes.

I wasn't arguing that it's a good way to live. I was commenting on an increasingly typical reality. If people live beyond their means at 50k, they'll do it at 150k too. I'm not talking about anyone in this thread specifically but there's a trend towards overindulgence and "I deserve it" culture maxing out credit cards and refinancing the mortgage multiple times as the interest rates were chased down and the home values went up.

A lot of this is market dependent too. Here in NJ, we have one of the highest costs of living around and 100k households are pretty common.

 

[FatDragon]

Just do what I do . What I've learned in my 24 yrs of marriage is that it's better to ask forgiveness then permission lol.

I doubt I'd make it to 24 years (maybe not ten) if I took that path. Every marriage is different. In mine, I get grief for just about anything I spend more than $50 on without clearing it with my wife first. It's a bit of a hassle sometimes, but the fact is that I've become a lot more conscious about discretionary spending through it so the occasional headache pays for better household finances.

 

[Schlenkerla]

I doubt I'd make it to 24 years (maybe not ten) if I took that path. Every marriage is different. In mine, I get grief for just about anything I spend more than $50 on without clearing it with my wife first. It's a bit of a hassle sometimes, but the fact is that I've become a lot more conscious about discretionary spending through it so the occasional headache pays for better household finances.

It would require a lot more grovelling than what you're comfortable with doing, so you would not do it cause you're not self-denigrating or disingenuous.

The easy way to avoid this is with budgeting. Ear-Mark so much from each paycheck towards the hobby out of discretionary spending. Acrue a balance then spend when it covers that cost for your upgrade.

This isn't rocket science. Personally I think it's a an utter lack-of-balls to have a discussion and then admit your wants don't really out weigh needs of your household.

(Lack of balls are code words for being passive-aggressive).

 

[Soulshine2]

I wasn't arguing that it's a good way to live. I was commenting on an increasingly typical reality. If people live beyond their means at 50k, they'll do it at 150k too. I'm not talking about anyone in this thread specifically but there's a trend towards overindulgence and "I deserve it" culture maxing out credit cards and refinancing the mortgage multiple times as the interest rates were chased down and the home values went up.

A lot of this is market dependent too. Here in NJ, we have one of the highest costs of living around and 100k households are pretty common.

I obviously read that wrong. Sorry , I had a long day yesterday... you're exactly right.

 

[Pkrd]

Is there makeup sex after the fight? If so I see a lot of stainless steel in your future.

 

[CJ-3]

Anyone else amused that this is labeled as a "How-To" thread but it actually is the exact opposite of one?

 

[Schlenkerla]

Is there makeup sex after the fight? If so I see a lot of stainless steel in your future.

... and debt.

 

[kh54s10]

I'm single so I don't really have the experience.... But. How much debt? If the debt is large and you are not paying down the debt at a reasonable rate, I side with the wife. There is also a communication problem you need to face. There have been some good suggestions like making a budget and sticking to it. Separate mad money accounts, provided that communication about it and the budget allows for it, could work.

I have never made it even to half of a 6 figure salary and have never been seriously in debt. Mortgage, car loan and a thousand or two on the credit card was the worst. When even that small in debt, $1100 for bling is not something that I would do.

Sit down and talk it out, make a plan, and DON'T use the advice of asking forgiveness.... That is what has started your problems.....

 

[kh54s10]

Anyone else amused that this is labeled as a "How-To" thread but it actually is the exact opposite of one?

I think most of the married folks want to stay married rather than use How-To to get what you want at the risk of pissing off the wife, potentially to the point of divorce.

In other words the best way of How-To "Deal With Angry Wife" is to not anger her in the first place.

 

[balrog]

I still think the best how-to is communicate.

 

[Still Brewn]

comes down to being less selfish, and thinking about the other person

Exactly! 28 years and counting.

 

[bleme]

I still think the best how-to is communicate.

I agree. I don't think the wife is REALLY even angry about the stuff - she is angry because he didn't bother to talk to her about it. Take out work and sleep and I spend about 8 hours a day with my wife. Figure 2 hours max of sex. That still leaves 6 hours a day that you have to talk about something...

 

[kh54s10]

I agree. I don't think the wife is REALLY even angry about the stuff - she is angry because he didn't bother to talk to her about it. Take out work and sleep and I spend about 8 hours a day with my wife. Figure 2 hours max of sex. That still leaves 6 hours a day that you have to talk about something...

Braggart....

 

[balrog]

I agree. I don't think the wife is REALLY even angry about the stuff - she is angry because he didn't bother to talk to her about it. Take out work and sleep and I spend about 8 hours a day with my wife. Figure 2 hours max of sex. That still leaves 6 hours a day that you have to talk about something...

Braggart....

Really! I mean, when's the time for important stuff, like, rearranging your sock drawer, cleaning lint from your navel, brewing, binge buying at Yakima Valley Hops?!!!

 

[bleme]

Really! I mean, when's the time for important stuff, like, rearranging your sock drawer, cleaning lint from your navel, brewing, binge buying at Yakima Valley Hops?!!!

I do that (and HBT) "at work"...

 

[jcav]

My wife and I are happily married 33 years tomorrow! We have always consulted each other before making a large purchase. Just something we agreed to do early in our marriage and it has served us very well. It's just a respect thing and so that we are on the same page with our budget and spending. I do not deny her when she wants to make a purchase and she doesn't deny me either. If it is a big purchase we might not buy it right away but wait a little until we purchase it. I might put money aside for it or I might use a zero percent credit card. We usually won't dip into savings unless it makes more sense to do so.

When I was putting together my upgraded three vessel electric herms brewery a few years ago, my wife was actually very supportive. I had been brewing for about 11 years at the time and she knew I was very into the hobby and it was not a fad. I just took it slow and added a piece here and there, as it did cost a lot of money. She is the best!

John

 

[Alex4mula]

Fellow Brewers,

My wife gets very angry every time I make a brewery upgrade. The first time, it was the 5 gallon Spike conical (~450) and she was very angry as she thought it should be a mutual buying decision aka I should have asked her before I spent my money. ....

Ouch! I didn’t read all replies but this is my experience. You have a very controlling wife. 90% of time not good. I had one like that. I suffered a lot. After 10 years (waited way too long) I dumped her. Got new one that rarely asks about my expenses. Happy marriage for 20 years. Listen this: she will always be like that. Sorry. Get use to it if you love her to death and learn how to hide expenses.