Best News Headlines

[Northern_Brewer]

Dunno if you can get the video outside the UK, but this is a great feel-good story :
https://www.itv.com/news/tyne-tees/...ndon-marathon-with-the-man-who-saved-her-life
And yes, they finished together.

 

[sweetcell]

if you can make it to the end of this article, you are a stronger person than i:

‘Sun-powered orgasms are fantastic’: why I went to live in a desert cave
Armed with only a solar charger, a vibrator and some marijuana gummy bears, I rode out the pandemic – and my fear of spiders – in a California commune

 

[Jhedrick83]

Armed with only a solar charger, a vibrator and some marijuana gummy bears, I rode out the pandemic – and my fear of spiders – in a California commune

Yep, looks like I'm still 13 years old inside...

 

[soccerdad]

You knuckleheads that keep adding your grain and hop bills better be careful. It's illegal. And don't even THINK about subtraction in your boil times.

 

[bruce_the_loon]

You knuckleheads that keep adding your grain and hop bills better be careful. It's illegal. And don't even THINK about subtraction in your boil times.

Police should check whether that reporter arrived after the bust or whether he was suspiciously prompt.

 

[balrog]

Just about any vowel would have worked
Myth Lab
Moth Lab

 

[Kent88]

I'd check out a moth lab.

An actual lab studying insects. Not a misspelled meth lab.

Not a correctly spelled meth lab, either.

 

[bracconiere]

Not a correctly spelled meth lab, either.

but an eth lab is cool!

 

[Kent88]

Bracc, you ever think about asking the marshals to move you again?

 

[Kent88]

Colorado tied for state with fewest shark attacks, Gov. Jared Polis boasts

 

[matt_m]

Local Catholic high school won their soccer game after pulling out their secret weapon.

 

[balrog]

Colorado tied for state with fewest shark attacks, Gov. Jared Polis boasts

WTactualF?!

He missed the opportunity to brag about the state's tie for having the least amount of ionization radiation from Jupiter's moon Io as well.

 

[day_trippr]

Florida Man strikes again...

https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/13/us/arrest-mother-zoom-call-shooting-trnd/index.html

 

[Kent88]

I want a Florida man equivalent to Wisconsin's Manitowoc Minute guy, but all his or her videos are just crazy headlines of things Floridians pulled off.

 

[GrogNerd]

the best news:

the BigHair (wife, we're from the 80s) had appointment with the surgeon today, to find out if she's done, or has to go on to BRUTAL lung cancer treatment. she just had a lobe removed, waiting on results of testing the lymph nodes.

she was in with the doctor by herself, when her ANGEL of a PA (the one who ran interference for her in the hospital over her blood sugar) came out & told me EVERYTHING IS FINE! she's CANCER FREE!

(she also told me to "act surprised" when the wife gave me the same news)

pardon my sailor talk, but I am sofa king happy right now.

 

[day_trippr]

Man, so happy for you both. So little good news these days, thanks for sharing yours.

Cheers!

 

[Northern_Brewer]

https://nypost.com/2020/05/15/vets-are-castrating-pablo-escobars-oversexed-hippos/

Trust the US legal system to make this story even weirder :

https://www.vice.com/en/article/bvn...caine-hippos-are-legally-people-says-us-judge

 

[Kent88]

 

[day_trippr]

Eeeeew!

https://news.yahoo.com/man-covered-poop-passing-plane-095510542.html

 

[grampamark]

the best news:

the BigHair (wife, we're from the 80s) had appointment with the surgeon today, to find out if she's done, or has to go on to BRUTAL lung cancer treatment. she just had a lobe removed, waiting on results of testing the lymph nodes.

she was in with the doctor by herself, when her ANGEL of a PA (the one who ran interference for her in the hospital over her blood sugar) came out & told me EVERYTHING IS FINE! she's CANCER FREE!

(she also told me to "act surprised" when the wife gave me the same news)

pardon my sailor talk, but I am sofa king happy right now.

Really glad to hear this. My wife is a breast cancer survivor, going on 5 years cancer free. According to the pros from Dover (well, the Mayo Clinic, actually) that’s something of a magic number. After 5 years the odds of reoccurrence are the same as the general population’s chance of developing cancer, or so they say. Here’s wishing you and your wife many happy and healthy years to come.

 

[GrogNerd]

this came EXACTLY 5 years after her colon cancer

brand new cancer, not a metastasis, but also didn't spread to her lymph nodes.

funny how this was also 6 weeks after our CPAP machines were recalled due to cancer concerns

 

[grampamark]

this came EXACTLY 5 years after her colon cancer

brand new cancer, not a metastasis, but also didn't spread to her lymph nodes.

funny how this was also 6 weeks after our CPAP machines were recalled due to cancer concerns

Damn. Well, as we age, the odds of developing any number of diseases get shorter. That, unfortunately, is just one of several no-extra-cost options that come with the aging process. Still glad to hear she’s doing well after treatment.

 

[soccerdad]

RIP Florida Man. He was bound to kill himself sooner or later.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/florida-man-dies-attempt-break-182034989.html

 

[balrog]

Florida Man is like zombies; one goes down, more come along.

 

[sweetcell]

I THROW DOWN THE GAUNTLET:

Monkey belonging to Texas special team's coach stripper girlfriend bites child on Halloween
She explained how the monkey is up-to-date on her shots and is an 'emotional support animal who (is) not to be touched'

NOW ACCEPTING ALL CHALLENGERS

 

[GrogNerd]

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Johnny Rotten bitten on penis by flea after befriending squirrels

no word on whether the penis, the flea OR the squirrels were up-to-date on shots

 

[balrog]

or Johnny Rotten

 

[bruce_the_loon]

I bring you, not as a response to the challenge, but as a heartwarming story of someone getting their just desserts. These are two separate instances.

https://www.npr.org/2019/04/07/7108...lephant-eaten-by-pride-of-lions-in-south-afriand
https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo...pected-poacher-eaten-by-lions-in-south-africa

 

[Kent88]

I saw it, so now you must also see it

A woman who pooped her pants halfway through a marathon and ran with it in her shorts until she crossed the finish line achieved a personal record

 

[balrog]

Let me try this again. I saw this in the news. It is unfortunately behind a paywall, but the headline speaks eloquently enough for an entire article:

https://www.masslive.com/entertainment/2021/11/beer-nut-ready-to-say-goodbye-to-ipas.html