Said in jest, SWMBO not amused

[Hophunter]

To preface, we have 2 boys (2.5 and 9 mo). Needless to say, private time has not been as frequent as before.
Last night, she says she got a news update (read spam mail from a news outlet) about a new female libido enhancement pill being approved by FDA. I quickly responded "they taking orders yet?." The look I got could've castrated a spartan army.

Who else had said something you thought was funny but caused you to sleep with one eye open?

 

[JonM]

SWMBO brought home a new piece of furniture. "It's an occasional chair!" she says. I responded "What is it the rest of the time?"

 

[Inkleg]

Who else had said something you thought was funny but caused you to sleep with one eye open?

I'm married, I've always slept with one eye open.

 

[Melana]

You boys are too funny.

 

[AkBrew907]

When my wife was pregnant with our first there was a couple times her ankles swelled up pretty good. The one time she asked me to look at her ankles I asked "what ankles"

apparently that wasn't the correct answer..

 

[Inkleg]

You boys are too funny.

Yeah, but my wife has body bags in the trunk of her car and people who will help her move a body.

 

[WI_Wino]

A good friend of mine described his then girlfriend as "beefy" in what he thought was a very flattering manner. She did not agree.

 

[invictusbrew]

Yeah, but my wife has body bags in the trunk of her car and people who will help her move a body.

...coroner?

 

[Inkleg]

...coroner?

Forensic Death Investagator.

 

[cannman]

Sorry bro. Kids are now 18mos and the libido is still lost somewhere in that delivery room. Can I have that link?!

 

[Craigmn]

Accidental post

 

[Venari]

My ex and I used to say to eachother all the time that "we'd be together forever" and one day, she asked "what if we're not?" with a worried look on her face.

At the time, I had bought some supplies to hang a hammock, so I pointed to the chain and said "I got that covered".

 

[firerat]

We're watching TV and some insanely hot chick in a random commercial in a bikini or something comes on the screen.

Wife: Do you want me to look like that?

Me: You can do that?



Does anyone know of an actual comfortable pull out couch bed? Mine is freaking uncomfortable as hell.

 

[beernbourbon]

You boys are too funny.

but we speak truth.

My wife is addicted to the ID channel....one day I just looked at her and said "should I be worried?"

"of course"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
uh......

 

[Venari]

Does anyone know of an actual comfortable pull out couch bed? Mine is freaking uncomfortable as hell.

Check out Ikea.

 

[TheCADJockey]

When I was dating, my (now) wife picked me up from a frat party. The apartment we lived in was horrible, the door to my bedroom would get stuck and had to be forced open. As I was holding the house hallway wall up, she kicked my door open for me in all her tiny glory. My liquor-soaked wit immediately kicked in and I managed to spit out the sickest variation of her name:

Me - "Yeeeeah, Mandar the Barbarian!"
Her - "What?"
Me - "Manda....."
*slap*

That is the one and only time I've been slapped in my life.

Although, now we pick on each other constantly. There's no dog house or sleeping on a couch. Ten years later, she still picks me up when I get silly. The only difference is that now she makes me put myself to bed. If I pass out halfway up the stairs, thats where I sleep. She's pretty much the best.

Does anyone know of an actual comfortable pull out couch bed? Mine is freaking uncomfortable as hell.

Futon with two futon mattresses.

 

[Rhumbline]

A good friend of mine described his then girlfriend as "beefy" in what he thought was a very flattering manner...

I have a vivid imagination, and I can't come up with any way someone could say that to a girl in a way that would be well received.

 

[k1ngl1ves]

The only time I'm positive my wife is listening to me is when she's rolling her eyes.



She's become numb to me being obnoxious...

 

[Inkleg]

I have a vivid imagination, and I can't come up with any way someone could say that to a girl in a way that would be well received.

Become a Supporting or Lifetime member and try the Boneyard.
Just saying.

 

[Melana]

but we speak truth.

Now you see the problem. There's truth and truth.

 

[Melana]

Become a Supporting or Lifetime member and try the Boneyard.
Just saying.

I have tried the boneyard... Sadly no boning.

 

[doug293cz]

The only time I'm positive my wife is listening to me is when she's rolling her eyes.



She's become numb to me being obnoxious...

Been there for years. I have to work really hard these days to get a reaction.

Brew on

 

[firerat]

I have tried the boneyard... Sadly no boning.

.

 

[cannman]

The real secret that must be protected is that when you are banished to the couch, you've just been sent to the room with the largest TV.

 

[Hophunter]

Most of the time, it's just eye rolls. Sometimes though...you strike a nerve. We started dating in college. Back then i was doing nothing but drinking, weight training, and occasionally studying. She is a petit woman all around. We were laying in bed nekkid and I said "I think I have more cleavage than you." Mouth meet foot.

 

[Melana]

Most of the time, it's just eye rolls. Sometimes though...you strike a nerve. We started dating in college. Back then i was doing nothing but drinking, weight training, and occasionally studying. She is a petit woman all around. We were laying in bed nekkid and I said "I think I have more cleavage than you." Mouth meet foot.

Awesome!

 

[beernbourbon]

Now you see the problem. There's truth and truth.

HAHA! Fair 'nuff. Brutal honesty is definitely NOT the way to go. Honesty sprinkled with a good amount of filtration is best.

 

[OlDirtyJohn]

I was home on vacation from work, got the infamous honey do list knocked out quick. It was about 10am and the wife asked me if she could pour me a drink. I replied with, "kind of early for that isn't it? ". Knowing me all too well she looked puzzled and asked "too early for a drink?". Apparently the correct response from me was not "too early for stupid questions, of course I want a drink!"

 

[FloppyKnockers]

Wife: I think I'm getting sick.
Me: What makes you say that?
Wife: I'm having trouble swallowing lately.
Me: Been getting sick since we got married then, huh?

 

[beernbourbon]

OWWWW....damn.....

(and here I thought my medical records were private....stoopid X-ray tech)

 

[PlexVector]

The real secret that must be protected is that when you are banished to the couch, you've just been sent to the room with the largest TV.

I banish myself when she switches on one of those so called reality TV shows...

 

[fantomlord]

my wife is terrible with remembering to get back to things...laundry sitting in the washer for days before it gets rewashed, etc.

the one day, she calls me when I'm on the way home from work to ask me to pick up our son because she lost track of time and forgot to go get him, and I had the wisdom to tell her "if you worked for me, I'd have fired you by now." She failed to see the humor in it

 

[firerat]

Before i met my wife, I was dating a woman 20 years older than me. I was 23 she was 43ish (I never really verified, even I'm not that dumb.)

She had a daughter who was 24 who was smoking hot. And she was a Hooter's waitress.

Anyways, miss cougar and I are laying on the couch watching TV and here comes miss Hooters in short shorts and her job qualifications just falling out.

And I got caught glancing.

Miss Cougar: Do you want to sleep with my daughter?

Me: Can I?

Apparently not.....

 

[Melana]

You dated Mrs. Robinson?

 

[firerat]

You dated Mrs. Robinson?

Coocoo cachoo....

 

[pwortiz]

I need to be able to click the like button there more than 1 time lol

Wife: I think I'm getting sick.
Me: What makes you say that?
Wife: I'm having trouble swallowing lately.
Me: Been getting sick since we got married then, huh?

 

[drainbamage]

SWMBO has occasional trouble with her knees (hereditary degenerative condition). When the pain flares up, she can't get in the mood for "fun time".

My response: "hey, your mouth/hand still works..."

Nope, I was wrong. Only one finger on each hand still works.

 

[GHBWNY]

The look I got could've castrated a spartan army.

I heard about it just yesterday. It's the latest in a long list of recently-contrived maladies for the purpose of pharmaceutical profiteering, called: HSDD "hypo-active sexual desire disorder". For real. That said, be thankful you aren't a Spartan soldier.

 

[Peruvian802]

my wife is terrible with remembering to get back to things...laundry sitting in the washer for days before it gets rewashed, etc.

the one day, she calls me when I'm on the way home from work to ask me to pick up our son because she lost track of time and forgot to go get him, and I had the wisdom to tell her "if you worked for me, I'd have fired you by now." She failed to see the humor in it

I've got a similar thing I tell my wife when she forgets the laundry, dinner plans, etc. I just tell her it will come back up during her annual review.

 

[AkBrew907]

I've got a similar thing I tell my wife when she forgets the laundry, dinner plans, etc. I just tell her it will come back up during her annual review.

When my wife first moved in to my house I unintentionally left some dirty dishes in the kitchen and around the sink. I'm usually good at picking them up but just got busy. Eventually she ended up cleaning the kitchen and all the dishes and joked about how dirty the kitchen got.

I told her it took a little longer than expected but you passed the test. You can stay