Parenting a teenage daughter

[Devin]

I have a 13 year old step-daughter. I have come to view her just as my daughter. I have been her "father figure" since she was about 2. It hasn't been the easiest of rides being the "non-biological". But, it really has turned into something awesome. I also have a younger son and a younger daughter.

Anyway, it has been hard for me to see her enter the realm of being a teenager. Discussion of boys, always thinking about boys, wanting to wear make-up, blah, blah, blah. The hard part is that I remember EXACTLY what I was thinking about when I was a teenage boy. And that scares the heck out of me. Because, unfortunately, I wasn't really thinking about girl's feelings when I was a teenager. So, I have sort of taken a fairly strict approach with my step-daughter. She has asked if she can "date" someone. I told her I won't even consider it until high school.

There are rules for dating my daughter posts that float around the internet. They usually consist of 10 rules that are humorous in some way. Here is my set of rules for dating my daughter:

1. You can't.
2. See rule 1.

But, I know that I can't fight it forever. It sucks, though. She had her first school dance yesterday and it just rocked me. I mean, it really got to me - I was bummed out all last night. It sort of sucks to see your kids grow up - but it is awesome at the same time.

But this teenage girl stuff just doesn't sit well with me. I think I am being too overprotective. You can't stifle things too much without it blowing up big in the end.

Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[passedpawn]

One thing that's going for you, boys age more slowly. At that age, the boys are a bunch of doofs.

Yea, put the fear of god into them. I did with my daughter. Her boyfriend thought I hated him.

You don't say this, but I'm assuming you're married. Trust your wife here. She knows what's up.

 

[Yooper]

I'm so glad my daughter is grown and gone. The ages of 13-17 were the most worrisome of my life.

The good thing is (well, not for her...........) she called me tonight. She's got a flu bug, and wanted her mommy.

She's got two kids, but when she's sick, she wants her mommy. I guess I did an ok job in the end.

The good thing now is that we put up with her teenage years, as hard as they were, and now have two grandsons. That is our reward for not killing her then, I guess.

 

[Devin]

Yes, I am married. I do defer to my wife often. And I do put the fear of God in them as much as I can. I stand at 6'8" and I have been told by many that I don't have a very friendly look.

 

[Beernik]

My daughter is 8. I've already been faced with "I need a special valentine for ...". Thankfully he moved at the end of last school year.

I think I put the fear of God in everyone but my daughter. To her, I'm "daddy" or "daaaaad." One means "I want something" and the other means "you're embarassing me." Neither says "you're a scary man I don't dare disobey."

My folks didn't want me dating girls until I was 16. I was dating at 12. My advice: its better to know what your kid is doing than not know what they are doing.

 

[masskrug]

I have a three year old. I'm subscribing for future reference. I do not look forward to those years!

 

[DU99]

minority of children will test the waters with the parents,thinking what do you know"your old"i have 4 grown up children.3 girls and a boy(youngest).all have had there moments in life.myself and wife.learnt to just keep an eye on them but try not to stick our noses in their affairs.i can't complain i have 9 grandchildren.

 

[Devin]

I think I put the fear of God in everyone but my daughter. To her, I'm "daddy" or "daaaaad." One means "I want something" and the other means "you're embarassing me." Neither says "you're a scary man I don't dare disobey."

My folks didn't want me dating girls until I was 16. I was dating at 12. My advice: its better to know what your kid is doing than not know what they are doing.

Good advice on the knowing what they are doing. I think that is why I am starting to wonder if I am being too strict with regards to this. I don't want her to just start doing everything without me knowing (I know that she already does this, but if I could keep it to a minimum, that would be good.)

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

Yes, I am married. I do defer to my wife often. And I do put the fear of God in them as much as I can. I stand at 6'8" and I have been told by many that I don't have a very friendly look.

I'm a mere 6'5"... And luckily my daughter (who is only 2, so I have a ways before I worry about this) has two older brothers who show all signs of inheriting my size.

Still, I'm terrified.

 

[Gar]

Yes, I am married. I do defer to my wife often. And I do put the fear of God in them as much as I can. I stand at 6'8" and I have been told by many that I don't have a very friendly look.

I think the best thing you can do is sit this child down and explain everything some snake is gonna spew in her ear you may not know all the new lines but you know the most important ones because lets face it most of us males spewed them. if your kid will listen to you then when johnny rotten crotch comes along with the if you love me line she will think of your talk. well hopefully anyway. i dont think your size or look can stop all teens. i remember my drive back then and by most judging id would have been one of the easy going respectful kids. i wish you the best.

 

[JohnSand]

It's not easy. But raising children is the highest calling on earth. You have the most important qualification: You Care. Be consistent and persistent. They will make mistakes, we did too. (Don't let them know about your mistakes until they are grown) Allow them to get away with something small once in a while, it helps them feel like they won one without going to far. Let them grow up a little at a time so they don't have to do it all at once. Guide them, but forgive their mistakes. Hope and pray, but think and work too.
I am a stepfather to four, from two marriages. All are over 21 now, healthy, happy, employed. We did have some serious setbacks, and major scares. The relationship I have with them has been a gift, and the opportunity to parent my greatest challenge, and reward. I also spent 22 years as a cop, and learned what a bad kid really is. I gave mine, and neighborhood kids I patrolled, some advice: Think about consequences, and don't do anything that is likely to end the night in jail, hospital, morgue, or pregnancy.
Good luck to all of you parents and step parents.

 

[gratus fermentatio]

When I was 18, I was dating a nice girl who had a father with a very serious demeanor, a sense of humor & 3 German shepherds. I always had to have her home by 10:00pm, and I always made sure to be on time, usually a little bit early, just to be on the safe side. Every single time I'd walk her to the door, give her a kiss & then run for my car.

You see, her dad timed out how long it took me to get to my car & when the front door closed, he would open the back door & let the dogs out. Those dogs would chase me to the car & I always made it just in the nick of time with those 3 dogs trotting around the car, barking at me.

The point is that this kept me & my raging teenage hormones honest. Her dad wasn't actually threatening me, but I knew he was the one releasing the dogs. Maybe he knew they wouldn't bite, but I didn't. A little fear is a good thing.
Regards, GF.

 

[SmokeyMcBong]

As some one who grew up with a step father instead of a bio father, I'd just like to say thanks to you (on behalf of your daughter) and thanks to anyone (man or woman) who would step in to raise, concern over and love a person who is essentially someone else's kid.

I love my Dad more than anything. I turn to him for advice, compassion and friendship. Growing up, it wasn't always easy. Especially when I screwed up and he had to set me straight. But now he is the man that I have the most respect for in the world. I'm sure your daughter will have the respect, admiration and appreciation for you.

You (and anyone who would take a child as their own) are a great person!

 

[RhodySeth]

Boys don't worry me. But as my step-daughter is turning 16 on Monday, I'm terrified at the thought of her driving. It's a madhouse out there!

 

[passedpawn]

Boys don't worry me. But as my step-daughter is turning 16 on Monday, I'm terrified at the thought of her driving. It's a madhouse out there!

You could have woken up to this, this fine Sunday morning. 23-yr old son (who was home just for the wkend) must have had a fine night out. He's sleeping now, but there's some 'splaining to do when he gets up. Sorry to hijaak, just thought the last post needed to be addressed

 

[The Pol]

We are pulling our kids out of school, to homeschool them. A large part of parenting is having some sort of control over their influences as they grow into adults. When we dump our kids into a school commune of 1000 students, many with not so great parents, or not so great values, each day what we teach them is undermined.

My daughter is 11, I adopted her from her biological father, and having a teenage girl in a public, or private school, is terrifying. We are fortunate that we paid off our home last year and live debt free, so the wife has the freedom to be a mother and teacher while I keep the lights on.

There is nothing a public school can do, that a homeschool cannot do better. Common core? Teaching to the lowest common denominator? My daughter has always been a straight A student, imagine what she could do if she was challenged.

 

[SharonaZamboni]

When I was 18, I was dating a nice girl who had a father with a very serious demeanor, a sense of humor & 3 German shepherds. I always had to have her home by 10:00pm, and I always made sure to be on time, usually a little bit early, just to be on the safe side. Every single time I'd walk her to the door, give her a kiss & then run for my car.

You see, her dad timed out how long it took me to get to my car & when the front door closed, he would open the back door & let the dogs out. Those dogs would chase me to the car & I always made it just in the nick of time with those 3 dogs trotting around the car, barking at me.

The point is that this kept me & my raging teenage hormones honest. Her dad wasn't actually threatening me, but I knew he was the one releasing the dogs. Maybe he knew they wouldn't bite, but I didn't. A little fear is a good thing.
Regards, GF.

I like that guy's style!

 

[jwelch1103]

First of all, you have to realize that your rules (i.e. #1) apply to you too! What I mean is you can't stop her from dating. If dating is not allowed it will go underground. At 13 her hormones are just starting to rage, it will get worse before it gets better.

I think, in this case at least, your best bet is to trust your wife's, i.e. her mother's, judgement in this matter. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree so she will have the best insight into how her daughter thinks/reacts.

Secondly, "putting the fear of God" into her dates is risky at best. Don't forget that older boys and young men believe they will live forever. Wimpy boys will be put off by an aggressive alpha male, while less wimpy boys at best won't be phased or even take an implied threat as a challenge. It doesn't sound like you are wimpy so I'd imagine her mother likes the non-wimpy type, her daughter is probably similar to her. A final irony in this vein is that females tend to favor males similar to their father.

Finally, the bottom line is that you will have to trust your daughter's judgement in who she dates and what they do on a date. Her judgement will in large part be affected by her experiences. Delaying dating limits this experience, I would let her go on short duration dates at this age to public places.

For what it is worth, my wife and I have 4 adult children, 3 of them are women now. All my "girls" are professionals; one in business, one in emergency response, and one in the medical field. All of them support themselves by working full-time, speak standard English, and bought their own home with their own down payment money by an average age of 25 and we raised them in a city.

I would say I have "some" experience in raising a daughter, though I relied largely on my wife's counsel on these types of relationship (read that as dating) issues, and I am very fortunate to have a virtuous wife. I remember the years you are about to embark on well and the unavoidable angst and I wish you and your family well.

 

[Dixon9717]

I have 3 grown kids which 2 are very beautiful women. They explained later that during their high school years they couldn't get a date. They were the girls with a crazy a$$ dad. They hated me then but love me now. Couldn't have a closer relationship with them even if I was there biological dad.

 

[Brew_Dude41]

I sit here reading this thread holding our 2 week old daughter. I have little more than a decade to teach her about evils of boys, but today she doesn't want to be put down (and i am in heaven).
This topic has been in forefront of my mind since day we found she was a girl. Our game plan: be open and honest with her early, teach her "tricks" that boys play, hope she makes good decisions, and most of all hope she doesn't shut us out of those teenage years and those 'problems' as they arise.
But as I said, I years to plan for that, right now the most beautiful grey eyes are probing through the detail around my face and melting my heart.
These moments will be gone much too soon.

 

[moreb33rplz]

We are pulling our kids out of school, to homeschool them. A large part of parenting is having some sort of control over their influences as they grow into adults. When we dump our kids into a school commune of 1000 students, many with not so great parents, or not so great values, each day what we teach them is undermined.

My daughter is 11, I adopted her from her biological father, and having a teenage girl in a public, or private school, is terrifying. We are fortunate that we paid off our home last year and live debt free, so the wife has the freedom to be a mother and teacher while I keep the lights on.

There is nothing a public school can do, that a homeschool cannot do better. Common core? Teaching to the lowest common denominator? My daughter has always been a straight A student, imagine what she could do if she was challenged.

You don't go to school for the book learnin'.

 

[Devin]

I'm a mere 6'5"... And luckily my daughter (who is only 2, so I have a ways before I worry about this) has two older brothers who show all signs of inheriting my size.

Still, I'm terrified.

Yeah, I wish that my boy was older than she is. He will be a good protector for my youngest daughter, though.

 

[The Pol]

You don't go to school for the book learnin'.

If it isn't book learning, then they don't need to get it from strangers with poor values. That is exactly what school is for, book learning, the rest should be provided by good parents.

 

[Reggie22]

I don't even wanna think about the teenage years. I have a 3 year old girl and her baby sister is due in march. I told my wife that when they turn thirteen I am conceding my paternal rights so I don't have to deal with it. It scares me a little.


Sent from my iPhone using Home Brew

 

[ruralbrew]

It is all about balance. Too tight a leash and they never have the opportunity to grow and find out who they are. Too loose a leash and it is easy for them to run amok. It is a partnership, you just have to make sure they know who is the managing partner...

RDWHAHB. I know, easier said than done. But if you have done your job up to this point, and it sounds like you have, it won't be so bad. They will make mistakes and you will make mistakes but in the end you will both come through unscathed and more than likely closer by the shared experience.

 

[AnOldUR]

Beside the three R's, school is about learning how to interact with others. You can home teach them all you want, but if you don't give them a chance to practice social skill from a young age, you are depriving them of an important lesson. Having open conversations with them about things that happen throughout the school day and steering them in the right direction is the only way they will learn how to navigate their life after they leave home. It might be comforting to the parent, but having your child live in a sheltered environment is not how you prepare them for their future.




edit to say:
The great thing about this country (for now) is that we have the choice to decide how we raise our kids. The post above is my opinion, but I respect anyone else’s right to decide what is best for their child.

 

[SharonaZamboni]

You all sound concerned, and it's kind of sweet, but you may be thinking about this in the wrong way.

Raise your daughters to be confident, informed, and forthright. Girls are not delicate flowers that need to be protected from boys who would tarnish their souls/ravage their bodies. Don't let your daughters get the idea that they can't take care of themselves. Feeling vulnerable leads to being vulnerable.

Raise your sons to also be confident, informed, and forthright, as well as respectful. Girls like that stuff.

//end feminist rant//

 

[Gar]

We are pulling our kids out of school, to homeschool them. A large part of parenting is having some sort of control over their influences as they grow into adults. When we dump our kids into a school commune of 1000 students, many with not so great parents, or not so great values, each day what we teach them is undermined.

My daughter is 11, I adopted her from her biological father, and having a teenage girl in a public, or private school, is terrifying. We are fortunate that we paid off our home last year and live debt free, so the wife has the freedom to be a mother and teacher while I keep the lights on.

There is nothing a public school can do, that a homeschool cannot do better. Common core? Teaching to the lowest common denominator? My daughter has always been a straight A student, imagine what she could do if she was challenged.

Amen my brother did this a few years ago and would not even consider putting my child back in public education. i think you will be very happy with your choice. you will most likely have someone tell you your kid will be weird without other child interaction well look at those peoples kids are they dope heads? pregnent? suicide? curse ? nope dont need my kid to be normal like that.

 

[Gar]

Beside the three R's, school is about learning how to interact with others. You can home teach them all you want, but if you don't give them a chance to practice social skill from a young age, you are depriving them of an important lesson. Having open conversations with them about things that happen throughout the school day and steering them in the right direction is the only way they will learn how to navigate their life after they leave home. It might be comforting to the parent, but having your child live in a sheltered environment is not how you prepare them for their future.




edit to say:
The great thing about this country (for now) is that we have the choice to decide how we raise our kids. The post above is my opinion, but I respect anyone else’s right to decide what is best for their child.

your kid doesen't need to go to school to interact with other kids

 

[moreb33rplz]

Nuke: I can be so rude sometimes.

 

[Devin]

We actually homeschooled our kids for a while. I was against it for a long time, but my wife researched and persisted, and I started to see some of the advantages of home schooling. It was actually a pretty cool experience, and I thought that the kids were really doing well. We gave them the choice of whether they wanted to go back to public school or stay at home this year. They all chose to go back because they missed their friends and the atmosphere.

I still don't know if home school is the way to go or not. I think it is very dependent on the people involved. We are lucky in that we live in a place that has excellent public schools.

And Sharona, you bring up a good point. I do my best to instill confidence in all of my children. But it doesn't mean that I still don't worry and try to keep them from getting hurt. But, it is something that I need to remember, though.

 

[The Pol]

Homeschool kids still have friends, and social lives. Thave youth groups at church, and home schools belong to co-ops where the kids go on field trips together, have some classes together etc. My kids are also involved in sports outside the school. I'd rather have my children socialize with 50 kids who have parents who share our values and who are positive influences, than have them socialize with 300 random students who have such poor parents and values, that they undermine our parenting daily.

I'd take quality socialization over quantity any day. To each their own. The funny thing is that my children's friends, even while attending public school, are overwhelmingly from outside their school and classes.

And let's face it, school is about education, it's not a social hour. And the education provided by public schools is sub par. Also, I hate to say it, each time a school is shot up by another kid with terrible upbringing, I will be glad that my kids are home, and alive.

For the record, we live in one of the very best school districts in Indiana. We built a home here for that reason. Still, a great public school is one size fits all, and the government has done well to make the US education system a poor one. For us though, it really isn't all about the quality of the education, it's about the poor quality of peers our children are exposed to.

It's not for everyone. But it will bring us closer together, I will finally get to see my kids when I am off work Mon-Thurs every week. We will have more control over the influences as they mature. We see it as a better way. Some may not. God bless all our kids. Lord knows they need all of the help they can receive in this poisoned world.

 

[corkybstewart]

It can be done without losing your freedom or sanity. Our daughter will be 28 day after tomorrow, and she's a real delight to be with NOW. It wasn't always that way, but when she screwed up and all the yelling was over, we could sit down and explain to her why she had screwed up and what the consequences could have been. Luckily she always has had a responsible streak to her rebellious personality so it could have been worse. And she had an older brother who helped her understand the reality of life. In fact they are both here from out of town hanging out with their aging parents.

 

[jamespz03]

My step daughter just turned 21 and we've been under one roof since she was 2. I think we have a similar family life regrading this and her real dad just not being there which I am assumption on my part. Forgive me if I'm wrong.

I can feel your pain and believe me she knows you are her dad, father, and mentor.

The hardest part was not the dating but the phases she went through during and after junior high. There were times I wanted to throttle her neck with the way she dressed and who she hung out with. We gently nudged her when needed and it was enough that she was able to see things for herself.

I'm sure you did a great job raising her and she will make the right decisions.

 

[DrunkleJon]

How does that saying go.

When you have a boy, you only have one swinging d to worry about.
When you have a girl, you have to worry about all of the rest of them.

I had to laugh, many years ago when my little sister was in high school going to her first dance, my brothers squirrelly redneck friend came by the house with a tall boy of Bud LIght and pulling her date aside said in a deadpan voice "Whatever you do to her tonight, I am doing to you tomorrow."

I do agree though, if you raise your kid well and they respect you and themselves, you should be able to trust them to make the right decisions. Take care of the variables that you can when raising them, and trust your kid to do the right thing.

 

[Tin4]

I have a 13 year old step-daughter. I have come to view her just as my daughter. I have been her "father figure" since she was about 2. It hasn't been the easiest of rides being the "non-biological". But, it really has turned into something awesome. I also have a younger son and a younger daughter.

Anyway, it has been hard for me to see her enter the realm of being a teenager. Discussion of boys, always thinking about boys, wanting to wear make-up, blah, blah, blah. The hard part is that I remember EXACTLY what I was thinking about when I was a teenage boy. And that scares the heck out of me. Because, unfortunately, I wasn't really thinking about girl's feelings when I was a teenager. So, I have sort of taken a fairly strict approach with my step-daughter. She has asked if she can "date" someone. I told her I won't even consider it until high school.

There are rules for dating my daughter posts that float around the internet. They usually consist of 10 rules that are humorous in some way. Here is my set of rules for dating my daughter:

1. You can't.
2. See rule 1.

But, I know that I can't fight it forever. It sucks, though. She had her first school dance yesterday and it just rocked me. I mean, it really got to me - I was bummed out all last night. It sort of sucks to see your kids grow up - but it is awesome at the same time.

But this teenage girl stuff just doesn't sit well with me. I think I am being too overprotective. You can't stifle things too much without it blowing up big in the end.

Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

You said it right there. "what I was thinking about when I was a teenage boy." thinking being the primary word here.

My daughter is 7. My wife and I debate dating all the time. I want her to start as soon as possible so she knows how to interact without the hormones.

 

[Homercidal]

I feel lucky. I have two daughters. One is 20 and doesn't really seem to have any interest in guys or dating (or much socializing, really) and only briefly dated with a younger boy when she was a senior, probably just because he was interested in her and she tried it out.

The other one is 15 and is much more social, but still doesn't show any signs of being interested in boys yet. I am pretty sure at least one boy has indicated that he was interested, to the point where the boys mom was somewhat irked that my daughter didn't go out with him (from what my daughter says, anyway...)

I know a few young girls who are (or were) at the critical age and again, I repeat, I FEEL LUCKY!

Then again, I don't have any boys of my own, so it might be fun to adopt a guy into the family, in a very minor way of course.

So far I have not had the pleasure of being able to clean my guns when a boyfriend has come over to visit.

 

[corkybstewart]

When my daughter was 13 she met a soldier from Ft. Bliss at an El Paso mall. He somehow got her info and started sending her letters. I intercepted one and wrote back to him offering to discuss the situation with his commanding officer. That was the end of that even though my daughter didn't speak to me for a couple of weeks.

 

[kombat]

But raising children is the highest calling on earth.

I just threw up in my mouth.

 

[JohnSand]

How sad.