I've created a MONSTER and i'm not talking about beer!

[JayDubWill]

A friend of mine from work got into brewing Mr. Beer kits about the same time I went all grain about 2 years ago. Well 8 months ago or so I started talking to him about how easy extract brewing can be and to showed him how to get away from those expensive kits. After all he was already doing it with hoped malt-extract on a smaller scale and he said was ready to scale up. I showed him how to put a simple recipe together using BrewMate (free) and showed him a couple of great websites to buy the ingredients from. Our LHBS had not opened for business at that time.

The next day he hands me $40 and asks if I can buy the ingredients...figuring his credit card situation must be bad or something I agreed to it and we set up a brew day a couple days later. Since I ordered the ingredients and we were using my equipment I set the brew day up to be at my house. He came over with a couple of his Mr. Beer fermented and we brewed and had a great time.

If your still with me, this is where the monster part comes in. A month or two goes buy and he asks me "when are we going to brew again?" Thinking he bought some equipment I start talking to him about it and no...he didn't buy anything he needed and it became obvious he hasn't done any research into brewing at all. In fact he says he would really appreciate it if I showed him all grain. Now I'm starting to feel a bit used, but my friend isn't the brightest light bulb there is so I agree send him the recipe with explicit directions on what he needs to buy. Our LHBS was open now so I didn't let him talk his way out of it.

So he buys the ingredients and I dragged all my equipment over to his house to brew. It was a good brew day I don't mind the company so i'm not complaining about that. Fast forward to last month and I'm over at his house hanging out. He asks me "hey, when are we going to brew again? Again, he has bought no equipment, done zero research and I'm feeling like a tool. He did buy a 2-tap kegerator and corney keg set up. I'm wondering if he expects me to fill it now...

Thanks for reading my rantings, how do I tell this guy who is obviously not into brewing that I'm not his brew ***** without ruining our relationship?

 

[max384]

Frankly, if confronting him about this will ruin your friendship, I'd say good riddance. The best approach would be direct, but not aggressive. Just flat out tell him that you feel used by what's going on. If you don't want to confront him directly, maybe sit down with him and start showing him what equipment he needs to buy next time he brings it up. Help him price things out. If he still doesn't get the hint, he's either dumber than a door nail, or he's using you and knows it.

Alternatively, you could tell him that half of the beer brewed on your equipment is yours. This would give him an incentive to buy his own ****.

 

[triskelion]

+1 on telling him what equipment he needs to buy. Also might want to suggest a book on all grain recipes, I'm not sure what would be a good choice, I learnt everything I know from HBT.

 

[MindenMan]

I would feel used too, tell him something quit working, and until you figure it out, even you can't brew. Putting him in the position of having to buy enough gear to do it himself at that point, or, tell him half the beer made is yours for equipment rental. If he is a long time friend and you don't want to potentially lose his friendship, take an important piece of gear, and set it to run, or very little run, like a burner. With no burner, no beer, end of problem, for that day at least.

 

[Beernik]

I need friends like this. I'd brew every weekend if it wasn't for 3 things:
1) my back can't take that much lifting right now.
2) I don't have the funds for it because of bills associated with my back problem.
3) while I'd love to brew 20 gallons in 4 weeks, I generally drink 5 gallons in 6 weeks. Sometimes I go on a brewing binge and end up with every bottle and carboy full. And then it's 6 months until I've drank the pipeline down enough to justify brewing again.

If I had a friend that bought their own ingredients and bottles/kegs, I'd "help them brew their own" as often as they wanted.

But I'm suspecting this is less about the brewing and that the friend is a mooch in more than just this way.

 

[blizzard]

You could always try saying something like - hey man, it's time for you to start filling those corny kegs. Basically, start asking him when he is going to pick up the hobby before he asks you to do it for him. I feel for you. I wonder if he thinks you guys are in this together. I had a brew buddy where we always brewed together, split ingredients and split the final product. It was a lot of fun, but we were learning together.

 

[SharonaZamboni]

While he did buy the ingredients, I certainly wouldn't drag my gear to his house.
Tell him to pick up some (whatever new beer you'd like to try) and steaks to bring to your place next time he wants to brew. Make sure the price exceeds your cost for propane.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

While he did buy the ingredients, I certainly wouldn't drag my gear to his house.
Tell him to pick up some (whatever new beer you'd like to try) and steaks to bring to your place next time he wants to brew. Make sure the price exceeds your cost for propane.

And spend more of your time drinking the beer and grilling the steaks, ensuring he's the one actually brewing. Assuming you trust him not to F up your equipment, of course.

 

[northcal]

Most of my friends are like your buddy, they want to brew but don't want to go all in for all grain, if fact most aren't brewers at all.

Nothing wrong with an occasional brew day with them (maybe a couple times a year?), but no way would I be routinely filling cornies for them either.

If your friend is in to brewing regularly, he needs to invest in some equipment.

 

[MindenMan]

Does he go get the propane tank(s) full first? If he doesn't get the tanks filled before the brew session, don't move your stuff. At all. Anymore.
Dose he also want to borrow your lawn gear too? If so, set him straight, he may not like it, but he will come around again.

 

[Rhumbline]

I'd suggest we go down to the lhbs and I'd offer to help him pick out everything he'll need. Then I'd offer to hang around for his first brew day with his new setup.

It might just be that he's a little intimidated by the idea of flying solo. Get him set up with everything he needs plus the confidence to brew on his own.

 

[Zepth]

I would feel used too, tell him something quit working, and until you figure it out, even you can't brew. Putting him in the position of having to buy enough gear to do it himself at that point, or, tell him half the beer made is yours for equipment rental.

This is a great suggestion. You do a portion of the work and own all equipment, he buys all the ingredients, split the result 50/50. My coworkers who immediately ask if I sell beer usually get a similar response. I tell them that I'll teach them the steps, let them use my gear under my watchful eye, but I want an equal share at the end for my services. "Just buy the canned kit you want to use here, and show up on the weekend." So far I've had 0 takers.

I'd suggest we go down to the lhbs and I'd offer to help him pick out everything he'll need. Then I'd offer to hang around for his first brew day with his new setup.

It might just be that he's a little intimidated by the idea of flying solo. Get him set up with everything he needs plus the confidence to brew on his own.

Another great idea. Most of my friends bring me along to help them get computer related things, I never mind the browsing and can tell people what they need vs want. He might well be afraid of walking into the store with a credit card in hand and having that "used car lot salesman" feeling.

 

[xjedifishx]

Friendships are overrated... 😈


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[JayDubWill]

Does he go get the propane tank(s) full first? If he doesn't get the tanks filled before the brew session, don't move your stuff. At all. Anymore.
Dose he also want to borrow your lawn gear too? If so, set him straight, he may not like it, but he will come around again.

We used his propane at his house and mine and my house. A lot of great advice from everyone, thanks I appreciate it. It's good to hear I'm not the only one in this boat too! I think the most upsetting part to me is that he just doesn't want to learn about brewing, yet wants the rewards of homebrew. I think if he showed an ounce of interest in the process or even the science of brewing then I would be more willing to help him out. I think I'll need to have a more frank discussion with him about his intentions of getting his own gear or splitting the cost of me upgrading mine to be able to do 10 gallon batches. We are getting together tomorrow with some other folks to watch the Super Bowl, I'm sure he'll bring up brewing together again, I'll let you know how it goes.

 

[DrunkleJon]

When I introduce friends to brewing they are my batches. I have no problem giving them a few pre-brewed homebrews during and after. I see it as I am teaching them to brew. Once a friend wanted to brew a batch for use at his house. We brewed at my house, fermented, and packaged and he took it home with him, but this is a one time type of thing. He can brew with me and help, but not expect anything from it. Same with others I teach. I am happy to brew with you, and if you want part of the batch you can pay the difference to make it a double batch.

I really do not think I would schlep my gear to someone elses house for a brew. Maybe bring a pot or a burner or one piece or other that they do not have, but surely not everything unless it were like a LHBS or club group type brew event.

 

[Rhumbline]

Of course, there's the possibility that you are one charming m#therfu%ker and he just wants to hang out with you.

Not that that would make either of you gay or anything...

 

[Zuljin]

This is why my friends are brewers.

 

[JayDubWill]

Of course, there's the possibility that you are one charming m#therfu%ker and he just wants to hang out with you.

Not that that would make either of you gay or anything...

Bro, you nailed it!

Seriously though, I did talk to him yesterday. I asked him if he was planning on getting his own equipment and he was genuinely confused by the question. I went on to tell him with his own equipment he could he brew whatever he wanted anytime he wanted and his response was "yeah, I don't have one of those cooler things to soak the grains." Keep in mind he needs more than just a "cooler thing" but I dropped the equipment conversation after that. I pushed the issue of my setup is only able to do 5 gallons (7 if I pushed it) and it seemed to click with him. He agreed to borrow someone else we know's 15 gallon pot so we could do 10 gallon batch this weekend. He also agreed to pick up all the grains, splitting the cost, and to bring propane over to my house where we will brew. This I don't mind so much. I guess I just need to get over the fact that he's not passionate about learning about beer and to him brewing is more of a social event and less than one of science, exploration and craft, like it is to most of us. I thought I was teaching him to brew the last couple times we got together and he was thinking we were just hanging out making beer. In the end friends are more important than beer (by a hair) so when he's saying "let's brew" I need to read it as "let's hang out."

 

[DrunkleJon]

Sounds like you got it fugured out. You never know though. He seems to enjoy it and may eventually catch the bug.

 

[Terek]

I kind of had this same thing happen. But my buddy has everything, he just asks for help on his brew day, but never volunteers to help me. I get to drink his beer, but common. So this last weekend I called him and told him I was brewing the next day. He always gives me his old bottles, so he says "hey, when you come to get those bottles, you should help me brew. How bout Tom?" I waited for the " I will help you too" but never came. So I got up at 6:30 am and started my 5 hr brewing session. Took a nap, then headed over to his house.
So when I got there, I was like WtF!?! He apologized and told me he had classes till 10 pm every fri and is up real late. Told me if I gave him a heads up a few days sooner, he would have worked it out.

So the point of the story I guess is that him and I have been friends for ever. Even though I blew up on him, we worked it out rather quickly. Good friends can never be torn apart over something so stupid. And If you are, mabe you wernt such good friends after all. Plus he felt bad, and opened up a $17 bottle of Wookey Jack IPA he had been saving and shared

 

[JayDubWill]

So the point of the story I guess is that him and I have been friends for ever. Even though I blew up on him, we worked it out rather quickly. Good friends can never be torn apart over something so stupid. And If you are, mabe you wernt such good friends after all. Plus he felt bad, and opened up a $17 bottle of Wookey Jack IPA he had been saving and shared

Wookey Jack, now were talking! I agree though friendship is more important than brewing but when your friends are into brewing too...we'll that's just hard to beat.

 

[northcal]

Glad you guys got it figured out! Most folks aren't going to make the leap that us die hards are.

Best,

Bro, you nailed it!
I thought I was teaching him to brew the last couple times we got together and he was thinking we were just hanging out making beer. In the end friends are more important than beer (by a hair) so when he's saying "let's brew" I need to read it as "let's hang out."

 

[Pinebarrensbrew]

I have a buddy who acts the same way with going to the shooting range. For 2 years every other weekend he's asking to go shooting and offering to pay his way for ammunition and buy clays and other targets for us to use. That's all well and good until I tell him to put in the application for the ID card. After countless excuses of being broke followed by Atlantic city that night I put a stop to it. Mainly because he would never ever help clean the guns. He finally put in for his card and I gave in and went to the range and he even stayed to "learn" how to clean the firearms. So that was good. But now dude wants to brew. And I only extract brew so there's minimal equipment but still I think the mofo has to get to the lhbs and spend some coin this time. I can't handle another 2 years of baby sitting


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[SavaShip]

So he buys the ingredients and I dragged all my equipment over to his house to brew. It was a good brew day I don't mind the company so i'm not complaining about that. Fast forward to last month and I'm over at his house hanging out. He asks me "hey, when are we going to brew again? Again, he has bought no equipment, done zero research and I'm feeling like a tool. He did buy a 2-tap kegerator and corney keg set up. I'm wondering if he expects me to fill it now...

Thanks for reading my rantings, how do I tell this guy who is obviously not into brewing that I'm not his brew ***** without ruining our relationship?

My suggestion is to let him know what your expectations are, and set reasonable limits. A friendship is a relationship that has a little give and take, so expect some counter-offers. From what I read, your expectations are that he would get his own brewing gear, and you'd help him get started, then after that you'd bond over discussing brewing techniques. His expectations are apparently that you two brew together as its own bonding activity. If you communicate your expectations, be expected for him to feel a sense of loss, and if he's really your friend you'll work through that. Don't let it continue if it's not what you want to do though, because that will make you start to resent your friend. Sorry I didn't have anything easier, good luck!