How Fights Start.(Funny)

[cabledawg]

*How Fights Start**
> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
> asked, 'What's on TV?'
>
> I said, 'Dust.'
>
>
>
> And then the fight started...*
> *******************************************
>
> My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
> were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
>
> "No," she answered.
>
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
>
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
>
>
> And then the fight started....
> *******************************************
>
> *Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
> slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
> proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
> 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
> discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
> bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
> and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
>
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
> out fishing in that?"
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started...
> ********************************************
>
> *I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
> and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
> you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
> well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my
> car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
>
>
>
> And then the fight started......*
> *******************************************
>
> *My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> seconds.'
>
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
>
>
>
> And then the fight started...*
> ********************************************
>
> *When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place
> expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
>
>
>
> And then the fight started...*
> ********************************************
>
> *After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
> License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
> my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
> have to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
> curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
> enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
>
>
>
> And then the fight started...*
> ********************************************
>
> *My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept
> staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
> nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?'
>
>
>
> And then the fight started...*
>
>
>
> *******************************************
>
> *I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my
> order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
>
> Nah, she can order for herself."
>
>
>
> And then the fight started...*
>
>
>
> ********************************************
>
> *A woman was standing
>
> nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw
> and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I
> really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
>
>
> And then the fight started.....*

 

[EvilTOJ]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Holy Crap! That must be my husband!"

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"

The woman yelled back, "Yeah, well then, why were you running?"

And then the fight started.....

 

[EvilTOJ]

One year, I decided to buy my wife a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And then the fight started.....



I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s how the fight started…

 

[onthekeg]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."