In this Age of Artisan — where everything from tequila to tap handles must be handmade and small-batch — we understand the urge to do all things involved in the alcohol intake process yourself. Grow your lemons and limes on your Brooklyn rooftop. Freeze your water into blocks then chisel out the cubes in shapes of perfect spheres or princess-cut diamonds. Set up a makeshift science lab in your kitchen to synthesize your own tonics and sodas. Plant your own agave, squash your own grapes, carve your own swizzle sticks. And whatever you do, brew your own beer; PBR just isn't indie enough. Remember this, though, as you're cooking up your precious Dave-weiser: it's most likely going to suck. Big batch brewing is successful because it works—it's reliable and consistent. Your friends know what they're going to get when they crack open their High Lifes; your stuff is unknown. It tastes different every time you make it, it smells like bleach, and there might be bugs in it. So don't blame the imbibers. It's your own fault. Here's why your beer sucks and how to fix it.
1. Your beer sucks because it's flat.
A lack of effervescence is a fatal flaw for beer. If there are no bubbles when you pop the top, it's probably because you didn't step on the gas: as yeast converts sugar to alcohol, carbon dioxide is also produced. If there's a lack of gas in the finished product, try adding small quantities of priming sugar during bottling. If you seal them up tight, the carbon dioxide stays inside until the bottle is opened. Pop, fizz.
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2. Your beer sucks because it's dirty.
Are you working with plastic? Because plastic scratches and breaks in tiny, unseen ways. And these microscopic, hard-to-clean flaws make fine homes for bacteria. That means something other than the intended yeast is fermenting your beer, so spend some money and upgrade your equipment. It's not just at home, either; commercial beer that comes out of a less-than-clean tap with less-than-clean lines can also contain off flavors.
3. Your beer sucks because it's not like it was the last time.
It takes a while to develop a formula that works. Do you think the people at Milwaukee's Best made magic the first time out? The more beer you make, the closer you should get to finding the sweet spot, so to speak. Focus on switching up your brewing and fermentation techniques, play around with the yeast, and keep your sanitary practices on point.
4. Your beer sucks because it's watery.
You're quick with the bottle opener. Just because your beer looks done and is all sorts of foamy doesn't mean it's ready. What you see as fully carbonated just might not be. In general, you need to leave the capped beers alone for three weeks for the proteins to develop, so slow down.
5. Your beer sucks because it's soapy.
Now you're waiting too long. Keeping beer in its primary fermenting vessel after the process is complete can cause oily or soapy flavors. Transfer your brew to a second container instead of aging it the fermenter for a long time. Drink them fast, age them slow.
Chris Dudley, a classically-trained-chef-turned-food-editor, lives on a boat in Charleston, South Carolina. His goal is twofold: bring Low Country cooking to the big city and one day find a box of money.
