Shot to the manhood

So, last night, I was at the bar with some friends.... One happened to be female with a purse.... A hard purse. Anyway, I was talking to someone else, she comes walking up and swings the purse to get my attention. Due to the alcohol, she totally missed my leg, and I took the entire force of the impact to my left teste.... Here I am, 15 hours later, brused, swollen, and in pain. Granted, I know that it could be FAR worse, the swelling is not bad and all it is still something I reall dont want to just ride out. Now, Moral of the story, Please, Protect your manhood at all costs, especially when booze are involved.

Now, Since I will admit, I'm sure it was funny to everyone around me, and, I probably would have thought so as well if it weren't me, I would like to know, What is the funniest shot to the manhood you have ever seen? I am going to go to the hospital and when I get back, I hope to see some goodones.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHzm02oBfDw]YouTube - Idiocracy- Ow My Ballls[/ame]

For an animal that doesn't have any of his own anymore, my dog seems to know exactly where my balls are and uses that to his advantage.

If he wants my attention and I'm not giving it to him, I get a big black paw right to the nads.

I've quickly learned that walk time is WALK TIME and he doesn't care if it's inside the 2 minute warning of the biggest game of the season.

The worst shot I ever took was self inflicted. I was coiling up a heavy duty extension cord at work and the plug end got caught on a table leg. So I gave the cord a really hard yank and it shot back and hit me right on the left one. Dropped me right to the floor.

Did she at least try to help you get better?

Man, that sucks. The worst I've ever seen was when my brother somehow managed to hit himself during a golf swing (yes, he may in fact need a helmet for daily life...). He dropped to the floor and my dad and I did as well from laughter. He has replicated that injury multiple times playing racquetball.

bethlehembrewer said:

Did she at least try to help you get better?

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+1...LOL

This one was pretty brutal:

[youtube]tm6cqpJvsT4[/youtube]

Anybody know what you call it when you punch a woman in the southern hemisphere? There's a certain phrase for it, I just can't put my finger on it right now....something like "condor punch" or something.......

I recently got married and after the ceremony I picked up my nearly 2 year-old nephew for a picture. He was in the ceremony and was probably hungry and rather agitated. He was ready to get down, started squirming and kicked me right in the balls.

I was bent over collecting myself and SWMBO walked over and thought I was starting to get choked up. I told her he kicked me in the balls...we both had a good laugh and there is a good picture of me slightly bent over and SWMBO laughing.

talleymonster said:

Anybody know what you call it when you punch a woman in the southern hemisphere? There's a certain phrase for it, I just can't put my finger on it right now....something like "condor punch" or something.......

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I think you're looking for the term "falcon punch."

CrazyToad said:

I think you're looking for the term "falcon punch."

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Yes! That's it!

I was close. I had the bird part correct.


[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vvdh9nG1aCU]YouTube - The lowest falcon punch ever[/ame]

You'll prolly end up marrying her someday.

crossposted from the "Photographs of bad ideas" thread:

Thanks for all the stories and vids, they were pretty good. I got back, all is well and i got me some nice painkillers

I was on a portcall in Scotland a few years back and there was this chick from the ship who thought it would be funny to slap this guy on the balls. She did it and he wretched over in pain and everyone laughed, ha ha. I guess she saw the reaction it got from everyone so she then slapped me in the balls and without even thinking about it, animal instinct like, I cocked my leg back and kicked her as hard as I could in her 'box.' She feel down and was reeling in pain and I just stepped over her and went into the bar for another beer. I was pretty sore but felt pretty damn good over my victory. She pulled stupid crap like that all the time and had it coming for a while. I am sorry, you hit me in the balls, its war. And BTW she is not hot, so I certainly did not feel bad about it, and she is especially annoying.

Look at it this way, at least yo were not actually shot in the balls, you were just hit with a purse

Ah, the Wound.

I took a 3 inch splinter to the boys working in a mill room. Shisk-A-Balls anyone?

my girlfriend, my best friend, and myself were all hanging out in balboa park and somehow my friend ended up giving me a piggy back ride. well my girlfriend thought it would be funny to slap my butt while I was getting the piggy back ride. . . just imagine this position . . . needless to say she got me square in the jewels. and to add insult to injury the pain was enough to make me lose my grip and I fell to the ground.

Well since we're on the subject....


In the third grade I got 7 stitches on my scrotum.

I was riding a bike with sandals on. One of my sandals came off and wedged itself into the front fork. The front tire locked up and I went over the handlebars, taking the bike with me. I was going pretty fast, and when it happened I froze and wouldn't let go of the handlebars. So as I was doing a somersault off the front of the bike, the bike was right behind me.
Here's where it gets tricky.
You remember on your bike as a kid when the handle grip would get worn out on the end and the handlebar would be exposed? Well in the tumult of bike and boy, I ended up landing on the handlebar end right on my crotch. The metal tore through my pants and across my sac like a fillet knife. I was bleeding pretty bad, and I was pretty scared.

I got home and showed my dad what happened. The look of sheer horror on his face told me that it was bad.

I got a trip to the emergency room, 7 stitches up the right side of my scrote, and an interesting scar.

I'm lying in bed, happily asleep. My son, four at the time, comes into the bedroom carrying his metal lunch box full of die-cast Thomas trains. He swings it up onto the bed, and the corner of the lunch box caught me in just the worst way. And being asleep you don't even have that instinct to cover up. I feel really bad for lacing into him when I woke up, but he learned his lesson.

BTW, a bag of frozen peas works great to help reduce swelling. That's the trick they tell you if you ever get a vasectomy.

I caught a little piece of wood thrown by a chainsaw to the most personal of places a few years ago. Even through boxers, kevlar pants & a pair of chaps, it still turned my gills green. I found at if you use those little chemical ice packets in first aid kits, make for dam sure they don't leak. That stuff burns.

cheers

talleymonster said:

I got home and showed my dad what happened. The look of sheer horror on his face told me that it was bad.

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I know a man is supposed to stay calm for his kids, but any father gets a free pass on that one!

I had a fireant bite me right on the, um helmet, while in the bath when I was 8. I looked like a porn star in about 5 minutes. I showed it to my dad, and I was in the emergency room 20 miles away in about 10 minutes. All is well now.

Having twin 3 yr olds who like to crawl all over me whenever, my boys have been stepped on and suffered the even worse "glancing blow" more times than I can count. I think 2 kiddos are all I can muster now, like it or not.

Was out a few weeks ago ( I feel special that my worst hit to date was just a few weeks ago) with a girl that I know. Well we got pretty sauced up and went back to her place to watch a movie. I was thinking it was going to be a real good night for me!
Well we're laying in her bed and both of us fell asleep, well sometime in the middle of the night she turned over and was facing me. I went to re-adjust the blankets and accidentally uncovered her feet, it was cold, so she reacts and curls up as fast as she can and knees me right in the giblets. she hit the boys so bad that I yelled and fell out of bed, hitting my head on her dresser drawers. She woke up to me curled up on the floor and asked very nicely "why dont you come back to bed" I couldnt even say anything, she had no clue what he had done. They still hurt the next morning and were sore for two days.

Mandatory that she helps "ease the pain".

So i'm sitting on the couch watching tv somewhere around the wee hours of the morning. I have a pug, who is overweight. He's about 27 pounds and his paws cant be more than an inch square.. that's some serious pressure. Up he jumps and manages to land squarely on my junk. I freak and cringe. He gets scared and peels out. I'm not sure which part hurt worse.

Arneba28 said:

I couldnt even say anything, she had no clue what he had done.

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I'm just going to replace that 'he' with 'she'... It makes me feel better ;-) haha

Make sure you get checked out after something like this. You certainly don't want Strangulation of the testicles. I somehow managed to tweak a nut while sitting at the computer playing WoW. Just the way I was sitting. It didn't hurt at the time, but I imagine I must have cut off circulation or something. Anyway, it was very sore the next day or so, and after reading some fun facts online, I had a doctors appt. in half an hour.

Luckily there was no real damage, and the pain went away after a week, but I had to have an ultrasound to verify there wasn't any serious problem. I wouldn't want to be castrated just for not having it checked out.

Unfortunately, the Ultrasound nurse was not hot and there was no hoped-for side action during the procedure. Maybe next time.

In junior football, I got the boys sandwiched between someone's shoulder pad flaps during a hit. Then one of my team mates slammed into the pile effectively smashing my man hood. Think to grapes between two plates, then hitting the top plate with a big hammer. Application of ice and a couple Tylenol later I was back on the field. I was bruised and sorer for over a week.

Snowboarding down a fairly steep hill, I had to make a fairly sharp left on some pretty choppy snow. My board was facing almost perpendicular to the hill, and as I started bumping over the choppy stuff, I bounced just right and the boys slapped HARD against the inside of my leg. Not quite enough to fall over, but I did have to sit down for a few until normal breathing resumed.

Last week a friend came over, and my dog wanted to say hi to him. We still can't get the dog to not jump up all the time, but she's getting a bit better. She jumped up at him and he shoved her down, then he jokingly said "Give me a nutpunch, girl!"

She obliged.

I'm just glad he didn't drop the beer he brought!

In junior football, I got the boys sandwiched between someone's shoulder pad flaps during a hit.

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Uh... weren't you wearing a cup? Even in little league it was a requirement.

40 years old and I managed to avoid a real direct hit until last week when I picked my 4-year-old up at preschool. As I was signing her out, she came charging at me yelling "Daaaadddddyyy." As it happens, her forehead is just in the right spot. Slammed right into me, enough so that I dropped the sign-out sheet.

Her poor teacher tried holding in a laugh but it didn't work. About 15 other parents thought it was hysterical, one of whom offered me a shoulder so I could lean on him on the way to the car.

From now on, I will be turning to one side to avoid the direct hit. She'll bonk her forehead into my hip but that's better than the boys taking a shot.

My four year old daughter was climbing on my back whilst I was sitting watching tv. the next thing I know she is pile driving down the way. I made it to the kitchen window for some fresh air and casually vomited out into the back garden. 6 beers it took to remove the pain.

...I find that the hits come in threes. ...Sitting on them is not as funny. My answer to my wife : "it is complex down there!"

Worst balls story involving a friend of mine: In college I used to surf a lot. We were out one day waiting on a set to come in and as we were all sitting out in the ocean on our boards talking, my friend doubled over and screamed bloody murder. He reached down his board shorts and pulled out a huge man-o-war jellyfish that had swum up his shorts and wrapped itself around his nuts. When he finally made it to shore, he just laid on the beach grabbing his nuts and wailing. Some old salty surfer walked up and said, "you gotta piss on it, man. It kills the venom." My friend said it hurt too bad to piss on himself, so right there in front of God and everyone on the beach this old guy pulls out his tackle and pissed on my friend right there. I nearly drowned I was laughing so hard. We called my friend stung nuts from then on.


Worst shot to the manhood I've ever taken: I grew up on a ranch and we were working cows one day sorting out the calves from their momma's and then giving them their annual shots and such. While I was holding one calf down she head butted me right in the nuts. Needless to say, that calf somehow ended up back with the herd.

Beards Brews said:

Worst balls story involving a friend of mine: In college I used to surf a lot. We were out one day waiting on a set to come in and as we were all sitting out in the ocean on our boards talking, my friend doubled over and screamed bloody murder. He reached down his board shorts and pulled out a huge man-o-war jellyfish that had swum up his shorts and wrapped itself around his nuts. When he finally made it to shore, he just laid on the beach grabbing his nuts and wailing. Some old salty surfer walked up and said, "you gotta piss on it, man. It kills the venom." My friend said it hurt too bad to piss on himself, so right there in front of God and everyone on the beach this old guy pulls out his tackle and pissed on my friend right there. I nearly drowned I was laughing so hard. We called my friend stung nuts from then on.

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Need a new keyboard. I'm still laughing.

If she was a real friend, she would rub them to make them feel better.

On another note, I played ice hockey for 20 years as a goalie and have been hit in the gonads quite a few times and have had cups broken on occassion. Well the last time I had one broken was 2 weeks before my wedding, with my fiance in the stands. I took a slapshot to the groin and dropped to the ice. I had both hands down my pants checking for blood and I could feel my cup had been shattered. My team mate, who was my bestman, skates up and I inform him that my cup was broken, to which he responds, "why are you wearing a broken cup?". Now he just saw me get nailed and I said to him, "you idiot, it wasnt broken when I put it on". I think my voice used to be deeper before I played hockey.

Years ago the apartment complex where I lived had a swimming pool and I was teaching my nephew who was about 4 years old, how to swim. He was there with my sister in law who was a primadonna who would where full makeup to the pool. Anyway my nephew was climbing onto the diving board and slipped. He nailed both testes on the corner of the board and started crying in pain. My sister in law asked me what to do. I told her there was nothing we could do and that he was just going to deal with the pain. I then told my nephew to tell mommy to kiss it and make it better. Now can you just picture a crying 4 year old with both hands holding his testes and running after his mommy and telling her to kiss it and make it better? We still laugh about it to this day.

The sad thing is, the full on isn't as bad as the tap in the right place....

I refuse to count the times I've doubled over- bad memories. One of the most recent I was with two friends (both girls), I bend over to pick something up for the one, and the other goes to slap my but- they seemed confused, but rather amused at me on the ground curled up in a ball...

you would think that after millions of years of evolution they would be in the inside. I know that they are more effienct being 2 degrees colder than then rest of the body but that is just BAD design.!

dibby33 said:

you would think that after millions of years of evolution they would be in the inside. I know that they are more effienct being 2 degrees colder than then rest of the body but that is just BAD design.!

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You got to think about this...Evolution only occurs when you are able to hand off an inheratable trait to your offspring. Those whos balls tuck up and run home arn't exactly going to be able to pass that on to thier kids

Not trying to thread off, but on that note- why do males have breast(nipples)!?!?