Disappointed

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mosquitocontrol

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So I needed to share my disappointment somewhere, due to lack of friends I can confide in regarding my issue. Just got word today from my boss that there is a 50/50 shot of getting a 3-4 month assignment in England this summer. Normally I would be stoked but I can't go so I will have to decline.

A couple things:
1. Lately I've been pretty stuck in a rut at work, very unsatisfying. Generally I don't get a feeling that I can get good at something, its all short random tasks. This would be a decent gig that would grow my network and pretty much get me out of my rut at work. Give me a different setting and some confidence in my job.
2. It would be very lucrative. Basically living for free, along with monthly "travel and cultural allowances". Free money telling you to enjoy yourself and travel Europe. How could you complain?
3. I've been side by side with my fiance for almost 5 years. He wouldn't be able to come because without a second job we couldn't pay the bills. It would be difficult to leave that long, but get paid 5 day weekend to go back to the states once a month.


But. I can't go because my fiance got a DUI last year and is on a restricted license through October. Please no yelling about how people should be punished for DUI's and all that ****. I know its serious and a mistake, but restricted license for a year is a bit harsh. So I can't leave because he would be here at home and can't go to the store, go to hang out with friends, anything. He would pretty much be completely isolated.

So I just needed to say whats going through my mind outloud. That's it.
 
That really does suck... but I think there should be more options that just not going because of a DUI. What about having a buddy of his move in that has a license. That way he could do most of his hanging out at home and still have someone to give him a ride. Or he could just taxi and take public transport. Or even get a scooter or something (there's no shame in that).

And plus, think of how happy he will be once you get back.
 
Its more he refuses to tell anyone. Along with I'm not allowed to tell anyone. I know he will just go to and from work, eat mcdonalds, and be completely miserable. That, or drive anyway and get caught and go to jail.
 
Uh- ok.

My thoughts- Go. The fiance can get a limited license to work and the store AFAIK.

And then you wont be resenting him for ruining an oppertunity because of a mistake he made.
 
You need to do what is best for you. I've learned not to pass up on good opportunities Yeah it sucks but I am sure he can stick it out for 3-5 months, if you love him and he loves you things will work out.

If anything, invest in a bunch of brewing supplies and he can brew the entire time you are gone and when you come back, you got some freaking good beer...and a lot of it.

Good luck with the decision, it will all work out.
 
Ask yourself this, would he give up this opportunity if the roles were reverse, then ask would you want him to? I personally would not want my spouse giving up a great opportunity for me because I would feel that he would resent me in the long run.
 
Disclosure: Of course I don't know any more about your situation than you have stated above. Keep that in mind. Also, I don't usually offer advice on the internets and you don't know me from Adam. But I gotta say something here.


Whether we like to admit it or not, our day jobs and careers have a huge impact on our personal well being and happiness.

You're stuck in a professional rut and you have a chance to get out of it? In the UK? For more money? Surely you beau understands this. He's not on board with it?

I'm not gonna say the guy is a selfish prick, only you would know that. Surely he can fend for himself?

Go. Don't even hesitate.

Worried about the consequences to the relationship? After 5 years I'd be worried that this sojourn is even an issue.

Edit: sorry if this come across a bit harsh
 
Go. He'll manage if forced to do so somehow. Otherwise, it's something that you will hold onto for ever. He shouldn't let his pride take precedent over a one-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you.

Tell him to strap some on...tell a friend..and make arrangements. :rockin:
 
Definitely go. There are plenty of folks who have to make do with long term relationships that last longer than four months. And you most likely will resent him if you don't go. You may not think so now, but there will come a day.

Let fate make the decision for you before you make up your mind not to go, you said there's a 50/50 chance, right?
 
I say go for it. After 5 years you both should either A) be secure enough in your relationship that he can wait for you until you come back, or B) The relationship is on the skids and was going to end some time, and this is the catalyst for moving on anyways. Either way sounds like it's good, in the long term (although option A is better)
 
Talk to him. See where he stands. Then GO!

I quit my job and moved to a remote island with my (then) girlfriend. It was supposed to be for a couple of years and turned out to be the better part of a decade. We had experiences and made friends that will last for the rest of our lives.

This sounds like a great opportunity. If I was your boyfriend I would be trying to find a way to come along.
 
mosquitocontrol said:
So I needed to share my disappointment somewhere, due to lack of friends I can confide in regarding my issue. Just got word today from my boss that there is a 50/50 shot of getting a 3-4 month assignment in England this summer. Normally I would be stoked but I can't go so I will have to decline.

A couple things:
1. Lately I've been pretty stuck in a rut at work, very unsatisfying. Generally I don't get a feeling that I can get good at something, its all short random tasks. This would be a decent gig that would grow my network and pretty much get me out of my rut at work. Give me a different setting and some confidence in my job.
2. It would be very lucrative. Basically living for free, along with monthly "travel and cultural allowances". Free money telling you to enjoy yourself and travel Europe. How could you complain?
3. I've been side by side with my fiance for almost 5 years. He wouldn't be able to come because without a second job we couldn't pay the bills. It would be difficult to leave that long, but get paid 5 day weekend to go back to the states once a month.


But. I can't go because my fiance got a DUI last year and is on a restricted license through October. Please no yelling about how people should be punished for DUI's and all that ****. I know its serious and a mistake, but restricted license for a year is a bit harsh. So I can't leave because he would be here at home and can't go to the store, go to hang out with friends, anything. He would pretty much be completely isolated.

So I just needed to say whats going through my mind outloud. That's it.
Click to expand...

Get him a bicycle & go to the UK. Go visit him once a month on your paid holiday. In 4 months you'll come back to the US & you'll both be happy. Everybody wins. Regards, GF.
 
If you're only excuse to not go is a difficult situation related to a DUI then it's a no-brainer.

Many of our troops serving for 12-15 month tours overseas have far worse situation than you do and still manage. Heck, think about the those knowing they have parents who will not survive the year or a baby will be born while they are gone.

One word of advice: Go. :mug:
 
The most important thing is the potential for future resentment. There is a good chance that if you decided not to go, you will end up resenting him in the future for it. If you both value your relationship and want to spend the rest of your lives together, you going will help make that happen, not hinder it. As far as making the arrangements, I have to pull out the old cliché: where there's a will, there's a way.

I truly respect your willingness to sacrifice for him, but in a marriage (what you will soon be), the willingness to sacrifice must be on both sides.
 
There's got to be at least one person he can tell that could help out. One of my friends got a DUI a while back and the first thing he did when he called me was say he got pulled and had to go to court. At least in his case he got to keep his license (got reckless driving instead, but is on probation for a year due to an amazing deal his lawyer pulled), but there's got to be someone he trusts enough to tell. In my case I've known this dude for over 20 years so there's some history between us, but there's got to be SOMEONE.
 
GO.

When things like this come up, I try to think about it in terms of "what if we weren't together?" What would he be doing right now for transportation if you guys weren't together? It's great to be there for each other, but when that dependency blocks an amazing opportunity for one of you, it's too much.

Does he know you have this potential opportunity? And the paid 5-day weekend to come back EVERY MONTH is just too amazingly generous. If you pass this up (if you get it), you will most likely regret it, and as others have mentioned, it will fester and come out in some future argument that he "ruined" your chances.
 
yeah, what everyone else said. GO! it would be such a wasted opportunity to decline if you are offered this opportunity.

do you really mean to tell us that he can't possibly get along by himself for 3 weeks a month?

tell him his D.U.I. is a great opportunity to get into jogging and bike riding. you'll get to travel Europe and when you get back he'll be in better shape for you.

really, this is a no brainer, if you ask me.
 
Not giving you advice, just a question. What about a conditional license for him? Never had a dui, but my best friend did. He had a conditional license. Worked out fine for him. Just asking.

Seems like you have already had the decision made for you. I wish you well, life is full of choices. Most of the time they aren't easy. For all of us outside your situation it seems like an easy choice to make. But we are outside looking in. Hope you find something that brightens things for you.
 
For the first year my wife and I were married we lived in different states. In the first 2 years we were together a total of 6 months. Now she is deployed for 3 months at a time about twice a year. If you have a strong relationship (I assume you do being that you are planning on getting married someday) 3-5 months separation is a small thing.

I don't want to pile on to your fiancee', but whether or not either of you feel the punishment for the DUI is warranted, he needs to accept responsibility for it and shouldn't begrudge you taking an opportunity. He should be able to go out with friends, he just can't drive himself. If it is important to him to keep a social schedule, he'll have to swallow his pride and ask for a ride.

Just my $.02

Terje
 
I agree with everyone else. Go and let him fend for himself. The bike is a good idea.

I have a granddaughter who didn't come visit me when I was living in Germany because she wanted to stay with her boyfriend...well, they got married and divorced later.

I live in the States again...and she never made it to Germany.

Don't be disappointed later...;)
 

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