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    Allagash Curieux Clone

    Go by taste. Could be ready after a week or less in the barrel. Have a second beer ready to go so you can rack out the Curieux and replace it right away. That second beer will likely need 2-3 weeks to get to same level of oakiness. I did this with a five-gallon barrel a couple years ago.
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    Awolnation sail a rip off

    Yep: http://www.folias.nl/htmlsimilar.html (search for "Mohicans")
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    Any use for trub?

    Are you sure about this? I've actually read the opposite. High Biological Oxygen Demand makes yeast really bad for the septic system.
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    Allagash Curieux Clone

    The base beer stands well on its own. It's a little dryer pre-oak-aging, which I like.
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    IPA flavor degradation

    This. It's not the bottles, it's somewhere earlier in the process. Could be racking cane, tubing, bottling bucket (disassembled the spigot recently?) or anything else. You would not see infections in every bottle otherwise.
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    Maris otter SMaSH tastes grainy

    Ok. I just noticed you were in AZ. I used to live there and the hard water can cause problems with mash pH. High mash pH can cause grainy / tannic flavors. Water supply pH can vary over the year. Something along those lines is still my guess. Maris Otter is delicious.
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    Maris otter SMaSH tastes grainy

    Tap water or bottled?
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    How can i make my extract beers maltier?

    Switching to a lower attenuating English ale yeast will finish sweeter too.
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    Original gravity is off the chart. How do i measure?

    What's a hoser? Is that someone who doesn't accidentally use a 10 gallon recipe to brew a five gallon batch?
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    Who's smoking meat this weekend?

    Bone-in leg of lamb and some beef spare ribs. First time for the latter. Did an Asian-y glaze that worked nicely with them.
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    How can i make my extract beers maltier?

    Use a less fermentable extract or steep some crystal malt in a grain bag prior to the boil.
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    Original gravity is off the chart. How do i measure?

    Looks like you need a taller cylinder :) What are the details on your batch? It's pretty tough to miss by that much. It's most likely a broken hydrometer.
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    Hello potential beer issues

    I've used the same plastic bucket for almost every batch since I started brewing. I do an oxy clean soak and a starsan soak before every batch. I had a couple infections early on, but none since I switched to starsan as a sanitizer a few years ago. All of which is to say, if you've carpet...
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    Good books

    How to Brew is the single best resource for your first batch. I'd buy it immediately, or read the old edition he maintains for free online.
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    Quick swap of bucket top -- chance of oxidization?

    None of what you described will cause any problems. I get extra paranoid when I know I'm brewing for other people too ;)
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