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Go by taste. Could be ready after a week or less in the barrel. Have a second beer ready to go so you can rack out the Curieux and replace it right away. That second beer will likely need 2-3 weeks to get to same level of oakiness. I did this with a five-gallon barrel a couple years ago.

Yep: http://www.folias.nl/htmlsimilar.html (search for "Mohicans")

Are you sure about this? I've actually read the opposite. High Biological Oxygen Demand makes yeast really bad for the septic system.

The base beer stands well on its own. It's a little dryer pre-oak-aging, which I like.

This. It's not the bottles, it's somewhere earlier in the process. Could be racking cane, tubing, bottling bucket (disassembled the spigot recently?) or anything else. You would not see infections in every bottle otherwise.

Ok. I just noticed you were in AZ. I used to live there and the hard water can cause problems with mash pH. High mash pH can cause grainy / tannic flavors. Water supply pH can vary over the year. Something along those lines is still my guess. Maris Otter is delicious.

Tap water or bottled?

Switching to a lower attenuating English ale yeast will finish sweeter too.

What's a hoser? Is that someone who doesn't accidentally use a 10 gallon recipe to brew a five gallon batch?

Bone-in leg of lamb and some beef spare ribs. First time for the latter. Did an Asian-y glaze that worked nicely with them.

Use a less fermentable extract or steep some crystal malt in a grain bag prior to the boil.

Looks like you need a taller cylinder :) What are the details on your batch? It's pretty tough to miss by that much. It's most likely a broken hydrometer.

I've used the same plastic bucket for almost every batch since I started brewing. I do an oxy clean soak and a starsan soak before every batch. I had a couple infections early on, but none since I switched to starsan as a sanitizer a few years ago. All of which is to say, if you've carpet...

How to Brew is the single best resource for your first batch. I'd buy it immediately, or read the old edition he maintains for free online.

None of what you described will cause any problems. I get extra paranoid when I know I'm brewing for other people too ;)

I've had this one on my to-brew list since last Christmas. Mashing in now. This recipe seems to cry out for some wood aging ...

I read a lot of these threads when I was looking for a mill. In the end, I went with the barley crusher with the small hopper and have never looked back. For what I do, brewing every three weeks, it feels like it's going to take a long, long time to wear this out. My LHBS has good pricing on...

It's accurate in the sense that he did it and it worked for him, but you can go a different way. I typically use a shorter schedule up front (three weeks in primary, three-ish weeks in secondary with oak) and then let it age out in the keg for a few months from there. Last time I made a...

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If I hadn't been on my phone I'd have added a :mug: at the end.