Two Muffins In The Oven

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Well-Known Member
Oct 12, 2007
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Two muffins are baking in the oven:

The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says, "Wow, it is getting really hot in here"

The second muffin looks over at the first muffin and says, "Holy ****! a talking muffin."

aw, man...
That is funny! I thought this thread would be about how your swmbo was having twins.

The Homeland defense is investigating a farmer who they think might be hiring illegal workers.

Defense dude: How many people work this farm?

Farmer: Welp, there is the guy I hired to help out. He gets $150 a week plus room and board. I issue him a check and take out taxes.

There is the woman I hired to help out. She works for $350 a week and lives elsewhere.

And Finally there is the Idiot that I give $10 a week to and buy him a bottle of tequila every Saturday night. He does 90% of the work, pays his own room and board, and occasionally sleeps with my wife.

Defense dude: That's him! the Idiot! We need to talk to him!

Farmer: Welp, you already are.
A old man is sitting on his porch when a little boy walks by with Duct Tape, the old man says, "Hey son, where you going?"

The little boy looks up and says, "I'm going Duck Hunting."

The old man says, "How, you don't have a gun, or a net or anything?"

The little boy says back, "ah, I was playing around my dad's tool shed and found this Duck Tape and I'm going to catch me some Ducks!"

The old man looks at the boy in disbelief and thinks, WTF? but he decides to just ignore the foolish boy instead.

5 minutes later the Boy appear out of the woods with 2 Ducks under his arms, the old man falls out of his rocking chair and cannot believe it!

The next day, the old man sees the boy again and askes, "So what are you up to today?"

The little boy says, "I'm off to hunt for chickens!" and at this the old man replies, "How? you don't have a gun?"

The little boy pulls out some chicken wire and says, "well, I was playing around my dad's tool shed and found this chicken wire!"

The old man sits back for a second and then says to the boy, "What? the wire is what you use to keep the chickens from wandering off, not to catch them!"

the little boy shrugs and walks off...

10 minutes later the boy appears, 2 chickens tucked under his arms, the old man is completely blown away.

The next morning the old man is weeding his garden when he sees the little boy, he stops the little boy and says, "Where you off to today?"

The little boy pulls a *****-Willow branch from his pocket, at that very moment the old man stands straight up, throws down his garden tools and says, "Well, let's go hunting!"
Fixing the White House Fence:

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in
D.C. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job
will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit
for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or
figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey
contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the
guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.

James Bond is sitting at a bar, when a beautiful blond sits down a stool away. She eyes, him, but Bond just keeps sipping his martini.

"That's a nice watch" she says

"Oh this? It's standard issue MI6. It's a telepathic watch." Bond cooly replies.

"A telepathic watch, you mean, like it can read minds?" The woman asks.

"Yes. For instance, it tells me that you're not wearing any panties"

The woman, offended and upset, tells him "I'm insulted....I most certainly am wearing panties. That thing is broken."

Bond takes another sip of his martini and looks back down at his watch.

"Damn thing's an hour fast."

Donasay said:
Two muffins are baking in the oven...
I just told this joke to SWMBO. She said, "Oh, I've heard that one already. It was on an episode of the Bachelor."

Donasay...dona tell me you watch that show. I will rip your man card to shreds and feed it to your cat. Yeah...your fluffy cat with the cute name. Chicks don't dig guys with cats. Even chicks think that's weird.
Actually that joke is an old vaudville joke, I have thought it was funny since I was about 7 when my uncle used to tell it to me. It still holds up to this day. Nice to see that some television show has incorporated it into their script recently. And as for television, I actually don't watch any TV at all. Have not for the past 3 years, it is how I get so much done.