The "Dear" , "Sincerely" thread

[Black Island Brewer]

Dear Brewing Log,
I kept the notes, why didn't you organize them for me? I think I've done my fair share, and since you know how much I like paperwork (which is "not at all"), I think you should keep yourself organized. Besides, by the time the bottling (and "sampling previous batches") is done and it's time to file, I'm usually not in any condition to organize anyway.
Sincerely,
In need of a brewing secretary

 

[TXCrash]

Dear brussel sprouts, tempeh, cranberries, pistachios, rice and seasonings,
You did your job last night and impressed short vegan hippie chick. But did you really have to wedge yourself in that have to poop but can't spot?
Sincerely,
She's back in half an hour and I'm still pooping. And I've gotta shower, and have agreed to a long ass walk. Isn't fiber supposed to make it better?

 

[Inkleg]

Dear brussel sprouts, tempeh, cranberries, pistachios, rice and seasonings,
You did your job last night and impressed short vegan hippie chick. But did you really have to wedge yourself in that have to poop but can't spot?
Sincerely,
She's back in half an hour and I'm still pooping. And I've gotta shower, and have agreed to a long ass walk. Isn't fiber supposed to make it better?

Dear still pooping,

Good to see you back in the game (dating not pooping ).

Sincerely,
Hoping Vegan chick likes grill cheese.

 

[KayaBrew]

Dear Blizzard,

Thanks for dodging the Adirondacks once again. I didn't want to ski waist-deep powder anyways...

Sincerely,
Whiteface sucks when it's not snowing

 

[Beernik]

Dear Blizzard,

It's 52F in SLC. We have only had two weeks of snow this winter.

WTF?

Sincerely,
Water Restrictions Are On The Horizon

 

[azscoob]

Dear water restrictions, if you get no snow there is no surplus runoff, no runoff means watering restrictions, watering restrictions mean less summer lawn mowing... You are welcome!

Sincerely,
****ty half assed winter weather.

 

[Baja_Brewer]

Dear Blizzard,

Is it bad that I'm enjoying seeing my GF so tortured by the fact that we will inevitably lose power for several days? She needs to harden up.

Sincerely,
Waiting for the outage on the couch with the dogs.

 

[Renegades_Brew]

Dear dance group,

You rented the space for a rehearsal starting at 6... You then proceeded to take the next two hours to bring in your dance floor, have me set a "dance lighting look". All this time I am just sitting here doing nothing waiting for anything to happen... Then all of a sudden you want to start. But now you need a microphone that you conveniently left on stage and your photographer who was here before any of your dancers just decided that the lights are "too dim"

Sincerely,
Be glad I know I'm getting paid the overtime for this and you are getting charged majorly for wasted time.

PS... You are scheduled in the space till 9... Please don't go long... I need to be up at 4:30...

PSS... You failed. And are currently sitting around talking. The rental clock ticks on...

 

[azscoob]

Dear waiting for the outage,

You are on the couch with the dogs instead of your GF?

Sincerely,
You are doing it wrong..

 

[AdamBomb]

Dear Yeast,
Hurry the F$&# up!

Sincerely,
Thirsty brewer

 

[TXCrash]

Dear still pooping,

Good to see you back in the game (dating not pooping ).

Sincerely,
Hoping Vegan chick likes grill cheese.

Dear Hoping,
Vegan chick made awesome grilled cheese, and great tacos as well. I really dig this one, even enjoyed the 13 mile walk with her.

Sincerely,
Pooping again, but with sore feet this time.

 

[Qhrumphf]

Dear HBT,

I drank 15 of my homebrews last night after 1 week in the fermeter and 2 days in the bottle. Then I got sick. Is my beer infected?

Sincerely,
Noob.

Dear HBT,

I accidentally my beer.

Sincerely,
Is that bad?

 

[TXCrash]

Dear HBT,

I drank 15 of my homebrews last night after 1 week in the fermeter and 2 days in the bottle. Then I got sick. Is my beer infected?

Sincerely,
Noob.

Dear HBT,

I accidentally my beer.

Sincerely,
Is that bad?

Dear noob,
You're fine and so is your beer, drink another. You'll eventually see bubbles.

Sincerely,
revvy

 

[Psylocide]

Dear Hoping,
Vegan chick made awesome grilled cheese, and great tacos as well. I really dig this one, even enjoyed the 13 mile walk with her.

Sincerely,
Pooping again, but with sore feet this time.

Dear sore feet pooping guy,

I bet your feet aren't the only thing that's sore... eh? Eh?

Yeah, you know what I'm sayin'.

Sincerely,

If not, I think you are also doing it wrong.

Oh, and quit holding your farts in, might help. I know that awkward phase seems to last forever... you know, GI distress all night, jump in your car to go home and just drop the biggest bombs ever... actually, that was a great part of dating.

Nevermind.

 

[TheCADJockey]

Dear AutoCAD,

Why don't you CAD automatically?

Sincerely,
Disappointed

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear tenant number 2,
You have been nothing but combative since you moved in. You have refused to civilly confront your roommates when you have a problem and have instead threatened one of them on multiple occasions where I have had to mediate. Not my job. Don't yell at me now that the stress of replacing the other roommate is getting to you. You have the same options as the other guy. Talk it out and agree or move out.
Sincerely,
I may not be crushed if you move out

 

[TheCADJockey]

Dear @Drunklejon ,

Be careful what you wish for. My last tenant that I evicted for being 3 months behind in rent, left with the fridge, oven and toilet. The dude took the toilet. I'm surprised he even knew enough to turn the water off.

Sincerely,
Disgruntled Landlord

 

[Psylocide]

Dear Disgruntled Landlord,

When you wouldn't refund my last rental deposit of $600 due to the normal wear and tear on the carpet from 5 years of being lived in, I felt I had no recourse but to take the keys, install new locks, take all of the light bulbs with me, push the cable connections back into the wall, melt a ball of cheese in the oven - right on the element - and piss in the fridge.

Hope you had fun.

Sincerely,

Probably won't do that again.

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear @Drunklejon ,

Be careful what you wish for. My last tenant that I evicted for being 3 months behind in rent, left with the fridge, oven and toilet. The dude took the toilet. I'm surprised he even knew enough to turn the water off.

Sincerely,
Disgruntled Landlord

Dear Fellow Disgruntled Landlord,
That B@stard! So very not cool. It can be really tough to get rid of bad tenants. I have heard of people pulling all of the copper out of the walls when disgruntled. Never a toilet? Was it a fancy one with a butt warmer?

On the other hand, if he gets it in mind to do any kind of destructive stuff I will know right off. Especially as they are just upstairs. This wouldnt be an eviction, this would be more of letting him decide he doesnt want to live there anymore. Frankly I am surprised he lasted this long with his sheer hate of one of his roomates (they picked him to replace another, not my fault).

Sincerely,
Probably still worth not having them around anymore though

 

[TXCrash]

Dear downstairs neighbor,
I hear you complained about me. Good thing I've been quietly and informally complaining about you since you moved in, so the landlord told you to piss off.
Sincerely,
Yeah, the stomping is because I can hear your little sh!t kids and you yelling at them like a mom on a rap album.

P.S. Block me in again and I'll haul your piece of sh!t car to the curb

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear downstairs neighbor,
I hear you complained about me. Good thing I've been quietly and informally complaining about you since you moved in, so the landlord told you to piss off.
Sincerely,
Yeah, the stomping is because I can hear your little sh!t kids and you yelling at them like a mom on a rap album.

P.S. Block me in again and I'll haul your piece of sh!t car to the curb

Dear TX
Your Avatar is perfect for that one. I read it in the Milton voice. You forgot to say that you could light the place on fire. and put strichnine in the guacamole.
Sincerely
Drunkle

PS. Wheel dollies are an amazing thing. Clamp on the tires and relocate the car to someplace it is illegally parked. It gets towed, end of problem. An old boss of mine did that before.

 

[azscoob]

Dear drunkle,

Feckin brilliant!!!

Sincerely,
Note to self, bring wheel dollies home from the shop....

 

[ubnserved]

Dear Winter,

Welcome back, I guess. Thanks for the 64° weather yesterday when normally it would be in the 20s or so this time of year. In fact thanks for the whole month of January being warmer than usual my gas bill appreciates the relief. I do however have to say that sending the ice jam so close to my cabin kind of sucks and caused a little stress for a minute or so. Hopefully you don't freeze over the river again this year and cause the usual flooding in march also.

Sincerely,
Still hate'n the winter in ne.

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Dear coworker who loves to listen to the Beegees, Rod Stewart and KC & the Sunshine band:
Stop it. I understand you're in your early 20's & this music is new to you, but I was around when it really was new & I didn't like it then, damn sure don't like it now. Besides, you're a guy. At least that's what your application said.
Sincerely, only 4.5 hours to go.

 

[TXCrash]

Dear harbor freight,
Well crap, looks like I'll have to buy those dollies from you after all.

Sincerely,
Milton (and I'll set the car on fire too).

Dear short chick,
You asked me if you'd like it if you cooked me dinner, and then asked about fish tacos.

Yeah, that sounds great but what's for dinner?
Sincerely,
Nom nom

 

[Inkleg]

Dear 4.5 hours to go,

Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight, get down tonight.

Sincerely,
All skate, All skate

 

[ubnserved]

Dear harbor freight,
Well crap, looks like I'll have to buy those dollies from you after all.

Sincerely,
Milton (and I'll set the car on fire too).

Dear short chick,
You asked me if you'd like it if you cooked me dinner, and then asked about fish tacos.

Yeah, that sounds great but what's for dinner?
Sincerely,
Nom nom

Mmmm, duh! Grilled Cheese!

 

[Beernik]

Dear God,

Why did you curse me with werewolf syndrome?

Sincerely,
My wife just shaved my forehead

 

[BGBC]

Dear ******* thief,
Thanks for ruining the end of a great day. I hope you break your leg if you ever try to ride me. Money spent replacing me will be money not spent on beer, which is just not cool.

You are the scum of the earth.

Sincerely,
Snowboard formerly known as BGBC's

 

[jamespz03]

Dear Joggers/runners/bike strollers,

Get the **** out of my bike lane. Since you can see traffic, don't think I'm moving into traffic to pass you.

Why can't you use the sidewalk two feet to your left like everyone else?

Sincerely,

Frustrated bike rider.

 

[soccerdad]

Dear Bike -
Aren't you like,a jock strap or something?
Sincerely,
Wise Ass

 

[Komocabo]

Dear Joggers/runners/bike strollers,

Get the **** out of my bike lane. Since you can see traffic, don't think I'm moving into traffic to pass you.

Why can't you use the sidewalk two feet to your left like everyone else?

Sincerely,

Frustrated bike rider.

Dear mad biker,

Why you tryin to run me and my kids over with your Harley? It's not mad max..,

Sincerely,
Intentional Natural Selection

 

[truvr]

Dear ******* thief,
Thanks for ruining the end of a great day. I hope you break your leg if you ever try to ride me. Money spent replacing me will be money not spent on beer, which is just not cool.

You are the scum of the earth.

Sincerely,
Snowboard formerly known as BGBC's

Dear BGBC's Former Snowboard,

Why would anyone thief an @rsehole?

Sincerely,
:what:

PS: Very not cool. Sorry for your loss.

 

[Psylocide]

Dear Joggers/runners/bike strollers,

Get the **** out of my bike lane. Since you can see traffic, don't think I'm moving into traffic to pass you.

Why can't you use the sidewalk two feet to your left like everyone else?

Sincerely,

Frustrated bike rider.

Dear Bikers,

Please also stay on the sidewalk. You can not keep up with traffic and we don't have bike lanes on busy streets for you. Not that I'm saying it's right, but neither is doing 15 mph on a 5 lane street with a posted speed limit of 45 mph, during the busiest time of day.

Sincerely,

Do you want to die?

#preparesangus

 

[soccerdad]

Dear 24 hours news outlets -

When the Bobby Brown family or the Johnny Manziel family asks for privacy in their personal matters, we need you to dig deeper into stupid minutia and INVADE that privacy. Johnny's nose hair and preference in socks will be important for us to know as he seeks treatment and counseling.

Sincerely, nosy ba$tards everwhere

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear Bikers,

Please also stay on the sidewalk. You can not keep up with traffic and we don't have bike lanes on busy streets for you. Not that I'm saying it's right, but neither is doing 15 mph on a 5 lane street with a posted speed limit of 45 mph, during the busiest time of day.

Sincerely,

Do you want to die?

#preparesangus

Dear bicyclists,
If you are riding on the sidewalks, obey the rules for pedestrians. If you are riding on the road, obey the same rules you would while driving a car. Respect the lights too. I am sick of almost hitting you all the time because you feel you have no rules.
Sincerely,
I am going to stop braking for you all
PS. What the hell were you doing at 6 am this morning riding in the left lane of a 3 lane road with no lights (streetlights either) or anything else to make you visible? Are all bicyclists suicidal?

 

[TXCrash]

Dear suicidal bicyclist,
Thump thump, screech, thud.

Sincerely,
Me

 

[Culinarytracker]

Dear Android Phone,

When I am using Google Navigation to drive in an unfamiliar area, please stop receiving a phone call at the moment I miss a turn and need to see where I'm being re-routed.

Sincerely,
Frustrated Driver.


Dear Caller,

When I quickly send your call to voicemail, that means I need my phone to stop ringing. Please don't rapidly call back 3 or 4 times! You're only putting yourself on my $#!t List.

Sincerely,
Frustrated Driver.



Dear Toyota 4Runner,

Who decided to design you with that gap between the driver seat and the center console? When my phone gets dropped in there it takes all of my MacGyver skills to retrieve it.

Sincerely,
Frustrated Driver


Dear LHBS,

Thank you for being open so late. Android Phone, Caller, and Toyota 4Runner did everything they could to delay my arrival.

Sincerely,
Driver who can now go home and RDWHAHB

 

[TXCrash]

Dear Android Phone,

When I am using Google Navigation to drive in an unfamiliar area, please stop receiving a phone call at the moment I miss a turn and need to see where I'm being re-routed.

Sincerely,
Frustrated Driver.


Dear Caller,

When I quickly send your call to voicemail, that means I need my phone to stop ringing. Please don't rapidly call back 3 or 4 times! You're only putting yourself on my $#!t List.

Sincerely,
Frustrated Driver.



Dear Toyota 4Runner,

Who decided to design you with that gap between the driver seat and the center console? When my phone gets dropped in there it takes all of my MacGyver skills to retrieve it.

Sincerely,
Frustrated Driver


Dear LHBS,

Thank you for being open so late. Android Phone, Caller, and Toyota 4Runner did everything they could to delay my arrival.

Sincerely,
Driver who can now go home and RDWHAHB

Dear driver of Toyota 4runner.

Are you drunk, you're driving like it.

Sincerely,
Press the "do not disturb" button on your phone....

 

[Singletrack]

Dear 4Runner driver with hard to reach phone,

I now keep a paint stirrer stick in my car to retrieve my phone when it tries to hide between the seat and center console.

Sincerely,

Hope to be Helpful, Sorry not funny