Stupid Joke Thread!

[homebeerbrewer]

 

[balrog]

 

[agentbud]

When I was young, I was really poor.

But I struggled and worked really hard and now I'm no longer young.

 

[balrog]

 

[Closet Fermenter]

 

[balrog]

 

[agentbud]

Cop: "Turn around.
Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never comin' round."
Cop: "TURN AROUND!"
Me: "Every now..."
*** taser zap ***

 

[AkTom]

If you have 3 shotguns in one hand and 12 duck decoys in the other, what do you have??


Big hands!

 

[agentbud]

Maturing is realizing your weekends last longer if you start drinking on Wednesday.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

Do railroad workers need to be trained?

 

[homebeerbrewer]

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She's starting to sound like my wife.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

 

[agentbud]

The cashier told me "Strip down facing me." By the time I realized they meant the debit card it was too late.

 

[Broothru]

The cashier told me "Strip down facing me." By the time I realized they meant the debit card it was too late.

I’m soooo stealing that one !

 

[agentbud]

I went to the doctor with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Sure, Homer is the fat dude and Marge has blue hair."

 

[Kee]

I went to the doctor with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Sure, Homer is the fat dude and Marge has blue hair."

The wife of a mechanic I knew overheard him, while he was making hotel reservations over the phone, "Of course I want clean sheets!"

Wife to husband "Give me the phone".

Wife to hotel reservationist: "What did you just ask my husband?"

Hotel clerk: "I asked him if he wanted a Queen Suite."

 

[agentbud]

Texting Codes (initialisms/acronyms) for Seniors:

HOG - Hot Old Guy
ABFF - At Best Friends Funeral
BMW - Bring My Walker
ATD - At The Doctor
DBI - Disaster Because Incontinent
FWIWG - Forgot Where I Was Going
GGBCI - Gotta Go, Bladder Control Issues
HGBM - Had Great Bowel Movement
TOT - Texting On Toilet

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on the top of a barn?





An egg roll.

 

[balrog]

I'm retired from IT, but helping a buddy out by being The Church Lady at a little New England church a few days a week. I know, you'd think that was the joke.

I was stuck in construction traffic today, being screamed at by an irate pickup truck driver because I wouldn't personally push a city bus down the road, and suddenly my brain goes:

There once was a main from the Holy Land
Who played autoharp in a Mariachi band
His musical phrasings were quite mellow
For an ecclesiastical fellow

Then Mr Pickup Truck layed on his horn and I never came up with a punch line. I'll just leave it here as an exercise for the reader. QED if you will.

Best of luck.

 

[balrog]

Firefly humor.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[BeerAndTele]

I have decided that when I die, I want to be cremated and have my remains pressed into a record. It is my vinyl request.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

Yessir! We’ll see you on the flip side!!

 

[balrog]

The tracks on the vinyl should be Stairway to Heaven.
THen Comfortably Numb.

 

[balrog]

 

[agentbud]

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are finally ready if you guys want one.

 

[agentbud]

You have $500.
Your son texts and says he needs $200.
Then your daughter texts and she also needs $200.
How much do you have left?

Me: $500 and 2 unread texts.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

You might be a homebrewer IF:

Your wife says; “My meatloaf recipe calls for a cup of uncooked Quaker Oats, and we’re out!”

And you say:

“No worries, I have a 5 gallon gamma bucket half full of flaked barley.”

(True story; just happened! )

 

[Agent]

Usually the response here is:
"Oh yeah, sorry - I just used those this morning for my brew."

 

[BongoYodeler]

You might be a homebrewer IF:

Your wife says; “My meatloaf recipe calls for a cup of uncooked Quaker Oats, and we’re out!”

And you say:

“No worries, I have a 5 gallon gamma bucket half full of flaked barley.”

(True story; just happened! )

My response: :Oh, well I guess we're having something else then tonight. Oh, and get the giant 2-pk next time we're at Costco."