so am I an Ahole?

[DeathBrewer]

I think you're being to technical (and this may be hypocritical coming from MISTER technical over here) on your definition of communication. Yes, some people don't communicate very well, but without communication, you can't have a relationship at all.

So if someone wants to be an introvert loner that doesn't discuss things, but sits in their room and doesn't talk to anyone, then you CANNOT HAVE a relationship. I'm assuming that since they lived with each other for so long, decided to get married, and NOW they are having problems, that in the past they have at least argued, discussed matters and worked things out.

I may be wrong. But if I'm wrong and there is no communication, then there is no marriage.

 

[Clayton]

yes you are a cock bag.
it sounds like you had this girl marry you just because you got deployed.
You were scared and did not want to be alone, wanted someone at home missing you and worrying about you.

now that you are back, you dont need that any more and just want to run wild.

that makes you a huge *******.
but i dont think there is a cure, you should just tell this girl that now you are home you dont need her anymore and let her go.
how ever you should stay single and get a vasectomy asap.

 

[brewthunda]

I think it's totally normal for a married guy to periodically think "man, I wish I was single again so I could do whatever I want whenever I want." Part of a relationship is compromise, and every time you do something that you don't really want to do, or more importantly every time you don't do something that you really want to do, that thought sneaks up.

But then personally I know that I don't really want to be single - I just want to fantasize a bit about having no responsibilities. The freedom to do random irresponsible thing, like buying an Uzi on a whim or rebuilding engine parts on the kitchen counter. I don't really want the other stuff - like being away from my wife or being bored and lonely. I know that as a single guy I'd probably just turn into a really quiet, boring guy with a bunch of oddball hobbies and random toys. 10 years from now I don't want to be a 45 yr old guy in my underwear playing Xbox all day. Overall, marriage is a good thing for me and who I am. The trick is making sure that we do a lot of things together, but then also have our own hobbies that the other supports.

So think about where you want to be 10 years from now and what kind of person you want to be. Think about whether there are any changes you can make at home that will give you what you're looking for - like making sure you have a day every other week or so where you can do your hobbies.

You might just decide that marriage isn't for you and that you really do want to be a professional bachelor. But you might just discover that you are better of making your marriage work.

 

[humann_brewing]

I think it's totally normal for a married guy to periodically think "man, I wish I was single again so I could do whatever I want whenever I want." Part of a relationship is compromise, and every time you do something that you don't really want to do, or more importantly every time you don't do something that you really want to do, that thought sneaks up.

I think we have all had thoughts like that. I enjoy the time when my wife is away but I also look forward to her coming back.

Would I be heart broken if she stayed out of town a week longer? No

Would I be heart broken if she stayed out of town for the rest of my life? Hell Yeah!

 

[malkore]

Yeah I understand that a marriage is all about comunication, compromise, and it takes work. I just look at my life as it was 2.5 years ago. Since I have been married I have noticed that my life has become more work, and that I enjoy the day to day less than I did when I was single.

That's just LIFE man...married or not, we stop doing lots of 'fun stuff' like we did in our youth.
Or it just feels boring now with all our experiences.

I think that's the problem...you seem bored and you want to shake things up for some excitement. But divorcing someone you admit you love isn't the way to do it.

Ya'll need a hobby TOGETHER that doesn't involve a tv set.

 

[HoppyDaze]

yes you are a cock bag.
it sounds like you had this girl marry you just because you got deployed.
You were scared and did not want to be alone, wanted someone at home missing you and worrying about you.

now that you are back, you dont need that any more and just want to run wild.

that makes you a huge *******.
but i dont think there is a cure, you should just tell this girl that now you are home you dont need her anymore and let her go.
how ever you should stay single and get a vasectomy asap.

oh snap....take that

 

[JoshuaWhite5522]

Actually she wanted to get married more than I did, and my initial idea was to wait until after the deployment to tie the knot. I was not scared to be alone and in truth didn't want her to sit at home and miss me. If that was the case I wouldn't be thinking about leaving now that I am about 5 or 6 weeks from deployment #2.

 

[JoshuaWhite5522]

But I do get the point. One cannot give up without a fight, there is a solution it just needs to be found. We do need to get out and do more things together. Find an activity that we can both enjoy. After all there are things we do enjoy. We can both watch Showtimes Weeds without growing tired. We both enjoy thowing dinner parties wth other couples. More of things such as that would definitely help.

 

[Yooper]

But I do get the point. One cannot give up without a fight, there is a solution it just needs to be found. We do need to get out and do more things together. Find an activity that we can both enjoy. After all there are things we do enjoy. We can both watch Showtimes Weeds without growing tired. We both enjoy thowing dinner parties wth other couples. More of things such as that would definitely help.

You got kinda beat up here, but believe me when I say that we can all relate.

I think people in long-term relationships forget about the things that brought them together. When my husband and I first met, we often had spur-of-the-moment picnics, and took long walks. It would be very easy now to put on my pajamas early, and veg in front of the TV. Being interesting (and interested) takes some effort. It's easier to not put forth the effort.

Having dinner parties with other couples is a great boredom buster. So is going out and shooting pool with other couples. If your marital relationship revolves around what's on TV, that's a very sad state. So don't do that!

 

[sidewinder02132]

As an infantry man, I'm guessing that you've been through some EPIC stress on deployment. Now, this causes all sorts of interesting changes in brain chemistry that manifest themselves in odd ways. For example, traumatic stress often doesn't reach its emotional maximum until 12-18 months after the event, on average. I'm not saying you've got PTSD, but stress takes its toll in a variety of ways. Another example, you mentioned your feelings about the differences in how you two generate the family income. Don't minimize what she does b/c honestly, who has the strength to put up with the $#*! that people bring into the office? As a classic story, read about Odysseus in the Odyssey. While Odysseus was roaming the Med in battle and trying to get home, and laid along the way, his wife was at home fending off suitors that had more in common with leeches than humanity. Her struggle was a struggle of the mind! An insight we continue to re-learn about how men and women operate. ;-)

I've seen a lot of good feedback from people here. Take the time to build your own views from it all then enjoy where the conversation takes you both. I think you'll be fine in your marriage. The fact that you asked this question means you're looking for a path forward and I'm sure, with a little help from us all, we can find the trail.

When you get back, I'll be happy to send along some grains and hops for your first brew. Come home safe, with honor, and like Odysseus himself, with some excellent stories to share!

 

[HillbillyDeluxe]

Here is a bit of advice from the king of the ********!!!

Ft bragg NC 1990, i got me a band new barracks room and a smelly turd of a roommate that wanted to do nothing but read hustler and jerk off 6 feet from me while i tried to sleep. Went out, met a nice girl, and decided that i was in love and wanted to marry after our long courtship. (Translation: Had to get out of that ****ing barracks and the first buffarilla i found that would marry my sorry ass after dating two weeks is a keeper!)

Got throught the first gulf war alright(It was a joke of a deployment). Then got sent to support the tenth mountain in somalia, came back and nothing was the same. Life was too short to waste with someone who was nothing more than BAQ and VHA with the FSA to boot. (All those things are called something else now i know.) Knocked her up on the way out though, still got that payment for another three years.(Love my kid though).

Several years nd many physical, mental and emotional scars later i retired from the military(PEB), met a girl, got married and am very happy. You do not see the world as most of these idiots on here do. They have not been through an experience that forces you to be cold and unreceptive to the emotions of others(even those we love). They certainly dont realize what it is like to be afraid 24 hours a day 7 days a week for months at a time, and then suddenly your home and every problem they have is a catastrophy to them but a mere annoyance to you.

Listen to MP, go see the chaps, go see the doc's, and if you really love ur wife, take her with you. Its still fixable. If she is just a wa to secure lodging off post then get rid of her, put both of you out of what is certainly to be an escallating bad situation.

 

[CodeRage]

Here is a bit of advice from the king of the ********!!!

Ft bragg NC 1990, i got me a band new barracks room and a smelly turd of a roommate that wanted to do nothing but read hustler and jerk off 6 feet from me while i tried to sleep. Went out, met a nice girl, and decided that i was in love and wanted to marry after our long courtship. (Translation: Had to get out of that ****ing barracks and the first buffarilla i found that would marry my sorry ass after dating two weeks is a keeper!)

Got throught the first gulf war alright(It was a joke of a deployment). Then got sent to support the tenth mountain in somalia, came back and nothing was the same. Life was too short to waste with someone who was nothing more than BAQ and VHA with the FSA to boot. (All those things are called something else now i know.) Knocked her up on the way out though, still got that payment for another three years.(Love my kid though).

Several years nd many physical, mental and emotional scars later i retired from the military(PEB), met a girl, got married and am very happy. You do not see the world as most of these idiots on here do. They have not been through an experience that forces you to be cold and unreceptive to the emotions of others(even those we love). They certainly dont realize what it is like to be afraid 24 hours a day 7 days a week for months at a time, and then suddenly your home and every problem they have is a catastrophy to them but a mere annoyance to you.

Listen to MP, go see the chaps, go see the doc's, and if you really love ur wife, take her with you. Its still fixable. If she is just a wa to secure lodging off post then get rid of her, put both of you out of what is certainly to be an escallating bad situation.

Hey it's cool. Come on a board and ask a bunch of civi strangers about whether you think you are doing the right or wrong thing. When in actuality you are approval seeking to support a decision you already made.

Hillybilly, thanks for your service, and no, I don't understand the horrors of war but that makes us no less of an idiot than you for any other given topic. If some one was so cold and hardened to life then why would they be here whining and complaining about something as trivial as playing Xbox in his boxer shorts. give me a break.

 

[MikeFlynn74]

Hey it's cool. Come on a board and ask a bunch of civi strangers about whether you think you are doing the right or wrong thing. When in actuality you are approval seeking to support a decision you already made.

Hillybilly, thanks for your service, and no, I don't understand the horrors of war but that makes us no less of an idiot than you for any other given topic. If some one was so cold and hardened to life then why would they be here whining and complaining about something as trivial as playing Xbox in his boxer shorts. give me a break.

Right but there is a time for xboxin and a time for being together. Neithter should do somethng they both hate.

 

[HillbillyDeluxe]

Hey it's cool. Come on a board and ask a bunch of civi strangers about whether you think you are doing the right or wrong thing. When in actuality you are approval seeking to support a decision you already made.

Hillybilly, thanks for your service, and no, I don't understand the horrors of war but that makes us no less of an idiot than you for any other given topic. If some one was so cold and hardened to life then why would they be here whining and complaining about something as trivial as playing Xbox in his boxer shorts. give me a break.

I apologize for use of the word "Idiot" aformentined in the post, i had a few ant the conversation struck a nerve. However dont even begin to speculate as to what makes a man an ******* or a selfish or childish person until you have had simmilar experiances. So i simply state, butt out.

Meaty, I, and a few others know what this guy is saying. You see: I wanna play my XBOX, we see: I want to be somewhere else.

I'm not going any deeper into this, i ask that those who arent experienced at this sort of thing do either.

I will say to the OP you have brothers all around you, use them. The Chaps help more than you know. (Ihave seen a Doc or 2 also). This is not the place for your pain, and there is no help here. Use the assets in front of you.

If there is more to discuss PM me and i'll guide you where the help is.

 

[DeathBrewer]

C'mon, Hillbilly. One doesn't need to go to war to have traumatizing experiences and not everyone in the military has the same experience.

I think you got a little tunnel vision goin on there from your nerve being struck. No one was ever belittling your experience or anyone else's, but that doesn't mean that you are enterpreting everything correctly, either.

This "you see, we see" stuff is all speculation unless you magically know exactly what the OPs motivation and personal feelings are. And the idea that our opinion is any less meaninful than yours is BS. I for one would encourage opinions from all different areas in situations such as this.

The man asked, we gave our opinions. You telling us to butt out because you feel a brotherhood "we couldn't possibly understand" accomplishes nothing but a perceived disrespect for the majority of the people here. It accomplishes nothing and it's an incorrect assumption regardless.

 

[Yooper]

Very close to bordering on personal attacks here. I suggest any name calling be removed via an edit.

 

[DeathBrewer]

Good point. Edited...better clarification, actually.

 

[HillbillyDeluxe]

Relax Yoop, this aint me and DB's first exchange. And i do respect his opinion. My skin is a little thicker than that, he and i are cool(Edit or not). I like our discussions.

Truthfully, this wasnt a subject i should have waded in to because i think and post more out of emotion than logic.... and i know it. That being said, i guess the message i wanted to relay to the OP was: Dont rely on us Mooks on here for this kind of advice. ****s, beer, general debauchary, we are here for ya. A GI seeking marital advice after returning from a combat deployment (or in my case spellling)..... Not so much.


And sincirely, my apologies to anyone for getting far to worked up.

 

[CodeRage]

That being said, i guess the message i wanted to relay to the OP was: Dont rely on us Mooks on here for this kind of advice. ****s, beer, general debauchary, we are here for ya.

I'll drink to that!

 

[Joos]

I'm going out on a limb here.Are you a marine hillbilly?

 

[MeatyPortion]

I like Hillbilly; he pulls no punches. Even though he gets a bit too worked up sometime.

 

[lehr]

I say get out let her find someone that wants to be with her.
I've been married 9 years we lived together for 15 before that I don't think marriage is work we do everything together. I don't feel right when she's not by my side. I have the right woman for me if you dont feel that way move on.

Pat

 

[HillbillyDeluxe]

Thanks meaty. I had about 8 homebrews when i posted the ****ty one. Dont get me wrong, i meant every word, i just usually have better control and articulation and dont come off quite so condesending(Thats why we have yooper though, keeps us ******** in check, i love her.)

And no, not a marine, 6years army(12B... Drive on sapper!!!!) And retired as a Navy master at arms. Can you imagine what the army navy game is like in my house? Very confusing.

 

[Yooper]

Thanks meaty. I had about 8 homebrews when i posted the ****ty one. Dont get me wrong, i meant every word, i just usually have better control and articulation and dont come off quite so condesending(Thats why we have yooper though, keeps us ******** in check, i love her.)

And no, not a marine, 6years army(12B... Drive on sapper!!!!) And retired as a Navy master at arms. Can you imagine what the army navy game is like in my house? Very confusing.

I love you, too, Hillbilly. I was also US Army, (96B, 3rd Armored Division, Germany.) way back during the height of the cold war.

My son had the Marine recruiters over yesterday. My son- the child I nursed at my breast!- wants to be a Jarhead! I'm shocked. I thought I raised him better than that.

 

[HillbillyDeluxe]

I served 3 tours with the 24th Marine expeditionary unit(Special operations capable) all over the world. I was there twice with intel and once as the LOAC advisor. No finer outfit in the world than the US Marine Corps. I still like to poke fun at them though.......


My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment..... MARINE

 

[menschmaschine]

My son had the Marine recruiters over yesterday. My son- the child I nursed at my breast!- wants to be a Jarhead! I'm shocked. I thought I raised him better than that.

Jeez, Yooper. I'm right here. I heard every word you said.

I was in the airwing though. The only thing on my head was a cranial or a flight helmet... no jar.

 

[The Pol]

The explaination of the relationship and what you want and what your reasons are, remind me of highschool. I may sound like an a$$, but really... that is how this conversation is sounding.

If this is how you roll... then let her go so that she can find a man. One that will enjoy her and go to the ends of the earth for her.

I cannot imagine how empty my days, my life would be, without my wife and my kids. Is my life exactly like it was when I was 23? Hell no... do I want it to be? No... I dont want to be the freaky old guy at the bar playing the field, or chillin at home all weekend playing video games.

There is a time to grow up, and growing up means giving of yourself and letting go of childish things. Being self centered is a childish thing, ask my 6 year old.

This sounds less like a marriage issue, and more of a personal issue. Someone said that you would never be satisfied, and I agree... when you live for yourself, and your moods change... you are always living for something different, something that you do not have.

I spend 20 days and nights each month away from home, earning a living for my family... my wife does not work. I dont resent her, and the copious amounts of OT that are left for our own personal spending are split evenly, no grudge. I take pride in the fact that I can provide for my family and that my wife does not have to work... Id never resent it.

My $.02

 

[nystevecf]

I dont know if anyone touched on this or not, but it sounds like you guys should take one day a week apart to do your own thing. It gives you some time to not only do things you want by yourself or with the guys, but it makes you miss her a little more. In turn it makes the time you spend together seem more important. I do MMA 2 nights a week, not because I dont want to spend time with her but because I want to better myself as well.

Either way best of luck man.

 

[MeatyPortion]

Thanks meaty. I had about 8 homebrews when i posted the ****ty one. Dont get me wrong, i meant every word, i just usually have better control and articulation and dont come off quite so condesending(Thats why we have yooper though, keeps us ******** in check, i love her.)

And no, not a marine, 6years army(12B... Drive on sapper!!!!) And retired as a Navy master at arms. Can you imagine what the army navy game is like in my house? Very confusing.

lol First tour in Iraq was with a 12B group (now it's 21B, why? I dunno...), they never did give me the MOSQ which is fine. I was quite happy being an 11B.

 

[HillbillyDeluxe]

an 12B is an infantryman smart enough not to blow himself up if you let him hold the C-4. Aside from that basically the same thing.