drainbamage
Keep HBT weird.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, I spend a lot of time reading The Onion. When I saw this a couple weeks ago, it got me thinking that beer and brewing had a lot of potential for spoofing. I'm guessing this won't be front-page fodder, so this is as good a place as any to dump it. Anybody have a knack for creative (and off-beat) writing?
Area Brewery Nervously Awaits Critic's Latest Review
Portland, Oregon
Tensions are running high at Northwest Brew Works as staff members dread reading a local critic's opinion of their newest beer.
"Oh God, he just checked in at O'Shea's Irish Pub down the block," says Brewmaster Dave Schwartz, glancing anxiously at Untappd on his phone. "They just rotated some new taps in. Hopefully he makes a night of it down there and doesn't head this way."
Northwest has just released a new Maris Otter/Simcoe SMaSH pale ale, which has met high marks from the general public but is yet to be reviewed by renowned local beer critic "xXhungry4HOPSXx".
"Yeah, xXhungry4HOPSXx really dragged Dave's cream ale through the dirt earlier this year," admits taproom server Jenna Ramirez. "Dave was inconsolable for days...locked himself in the brewhouse and wouldn't talk to anyone. It was tough to see him that way."
"I still remember the exact wording on BeerAdvocate: 'a feckless mishmash of stale corn chips and grass clippings'," says Schwartz, with a sigh.
"I spent 6 years--since my homebrewing days--tweaking and perfecting that cream ale recipe, and this guy tears it to shreds in 5 minutes like it's a warm Bud Light. It's about enough to make me go back to being a banker again."
Little is known about xXhungry4HOPSXx except his passionate love of extreme IPAs and sours, and his reputation for scathing reviews of all he deems unworthy. Rumor has it that he may be a grad student at University of Portland, but the brewery staff at Northwest has yet to meet him in person.
A chime sounds. Schwartz pulls out his phone, eyebrows raised. He glances down the bar warily, then back at Untappd.
"'4 stars. Solid and drinkable.' What a ******."
Area Brewery Nervously Awaits Critic's Latest Review
Portland, Oregon
Tensions are running high at Northwest Brew Works as staff members dread reading a local critic's opinion of their newest beer.
"Oh God, he just checked in at O'Shea's Irish Pub down the block," says Brewmaster Dave Schwartz, glancing anxiously at Untappd on his phone. "They just rotated some new taps in. Hopefully he makes a night of it down there and doesn't head this way."
Northwest has just released a new Maris Otter/Simcoe SMaSH pale ale, which has met high marks from the general public but is yet to be reviewed by renowned local beer critic "xXhungry4HOPSXx".
"Yeah, xXhungry4HOPSXx really dragged Dave's cream ale through the dirt earlier this year," admits taproom server Jenna Ramirez. "Dave was inconsolable for days...locked himself in the brewhouse and wouldn't talk to anyone. It was tough to see him that way."
"I still remember the exact wording on BeerAdvocate: 'a feckless mishmash of stale corn chips and grass clippings'," says Schwartz, with a sigh.
"I spent 6 years--since my homebrewing days--tweaking and perfecting that cream ale recipe, and this guy tears it to shreds in 5 minutes like it's a warm Bud Light. It's about enough to make me go back to being a banker again."
Little is known about xXhungry4HOPSXx except his passionate love of extreme IPAs and sours, and his reputation for scathing reviews of all he deems unworthy. Rumor has it that he may be a grad student at University of Portland, but the brewery staff at Northwest has yet to meet him in person.
A chime sounds. Schwartz pulls out his phone, eyebrows raised. He glances down the bar warily, then back at Untappd.
"'4 stars. Solid and drinkable.' What a ******."