Satirical beer writing

[drainbamage]

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I spend a lot of time reading The Onion. When I saw this a couple weeks ago, it got me thinking that beer and brewing had a lot of potential for spoofing. I'm guessing this won't be front-page fodder, so this is as good a place as any to dump it. Anybody have a knack for creative (and off-beat) writing?

Area Brewery Nervously Awaits Critic's Latest Review

Portland, Oregon

Tensions are running high at Northwest Brew Works as staff members dread reading a local critic's opinion of their newest beer.

"Oh God, he just checked in at O'Shea's Irish Pub down the block," says Brewmaster Dave Schwartz, glancing anxiously at Untappd on his phone. "They just rotated some new taps in. Hopefully he makes a night of it down there and doesn't head this way."

Northwest has just released a new Maris Otter/Simcoe SMaSH pale ale, which has met high marks from the general public but is yet to be reviewed by renowned local beer critic "xXhungry4HOPSXx".

"Yeah, xXhungry4HOPSXx really dragged Dave's cream ale through the dirt earlier this year," admits taproom server Jenna Ramirez. "Dave was inconsolable for days...locked himself in the brewhouse and wouldn't talk to anyone. It was tough to see him that way."

"I still remember the exact wording on BeerAdvocate: 'a feckless mishmash of stale corn chips and grass clippings'," says Schwartz, with a sigh.

"I spent 6 years--since my homebrewing days--tweaking and perfecting that cream ale recipe, and this guy tears it to shreds in 5 minutes like it's a warm Bud Light. It's about enough to make me go back to being a banker again."

Little is known about xXhungry4HOPSXx except his passionate love of extreme IPAs and sours, and his reputation for scathing reviews of all he deems unworthy. Rumor has it that he may be a grad student at University of Portland, but the brewery staff at Northwest has yet to meet him in person.

A chime sounds. Schwartz pulls out his phone, eyebrows raised. He glances down the bar warily, then back at Untappd.

"'4 stars. Solid and drinkable.' What a ******."

 

[flars]

This is worth an article on beer reviews and beer reviewers.

 

[drainbamage]

This is worth an article on beer reviews and beer reviewers.

Don't you go and turn this into a serious thread!

The extent of my beer reviewing activity is Untappd, but I try not to be a d!ck when I find something I don't like. Sometimes I get snarkier after I've had a few too many, but I digress...

I know the breweries do occasionally follow that stuff, so I'll try to at least include some kind of actual feedback of what was wrong (infected, off-flavors, etc.) rather than just going the Simon Cowell route of, "it sucks. I'd rather drink a tall glass of sour milk, pickle juice and ghost chilies."

 

[arturo7]

I abhor beer reviews.

Reading some self righteous arse wipe's lame, pretentious attempt at using language to describe sensory perceptions is a waste of time. Reviewers get published because they can write better than the average Joe. It has little to do with their taste buds.

If you want to rate it, 1-5, great. I'll consider your opinion. Just STFU and let me taste it.

 

[1977Brewer]

Writing about beer is like writing about music. Dancing about architecture.

 

[drainbamage]

Writing about beer is like writing about music. Dancing about architecture.

Haven't you heard? There is writing about beer, and it's incredibly serious business.

 

[banesong]

Oohhh... That was great. We definitely need a good article on this.

 

[drainbamage]

Hop Farm Unveils First "Ultra-High" Alpha Acid Variety

Yakima County, Washington

Driven by American demand for increasingly aggressive IPAs, a local hop grower has released what it calls the first "Ultra-High" alpha acid hop variety. Known by the easy-to-remember moniker of UA-12274, this new hop boasts an alpha acid content of 75%, compared to 6-15% for most American varieties and a measly 3-6% for European "Noble" hops.

Press releases for UA-12274 describe it as an "assertive but smooth bitterness with notes of grapefruit, peach, mango, pineapple, lemon peel, lychee, orange marmalade, evergreen, kiwi, honeysuckle, pomegranate, strawberry, durian, apricot, tangerine, and red gummy bears." UA-12274 has been discouraged for use in homebrewing, as the high alpha acid content would require measurements of individual hop pellets for additions. Typical measurements by the ounce would "render all other flavors of the beer imperceptible".

Staff declined to comment on the exact parentage of the hop, except for an anonymous intern, who called it a hybrid of several experimental American hops that was "maybe cross-pollinated with some dank-a** Northern Lights from [his] basement while the bosses weren't looking." Anti-GMO groups are already protesting the introduction of UA-12274, calling it "an abomination against healthy farming" and threatening to boycott all beers brewed with it.

3 Floyds Brewing Co. of Munster, Indiana--already famous for hop-forward brewing--has earned the honor of making the first beer featuring UA-12274, a 12.5% ABV triple IPA dubbed "Deathkvlt Rampage." Patrons interviewed at the release party describe Deathkvlt Rampage as "citrusy, floral, piney, spicy, and earthy" and "good, but needs more hops."

 

[banesong]

Okay, that rocks.

 

[drainbamage]

I meant to post this several days ago, but got distracted. Shiny objects will do that. :cross:

A Beginner’s Guide to Tasting Sours

Following on the heels of IPAs, barrel-aged beers, and Saisons, sour and wild ales are the latest trend in craft beer. Brewed using spontaneous wild fermentation and exposure to bacteria such as Lactobacillus, sours take on a characteristic dryness and acidity compared to traditionally yeast-fermented beers. To help with your first forays into sours, here are some of the more famous examples, and some tasting notes you can expect to encounter:

Duchesse De Bourgogne

One of the textbook examples of an authentic Flanders Red Ale, Duchesse De Bourgogne features a blend of old and new beer, aged in oak barrels.

Tasting Notes – Yuck, yuck, yuck. Is this beer I’m drinking? I think someone messed up and filled this bottle with red wine vinegar.

Cantillon Oude Gueuze

Gueuze is considered a type of Lambic beer, meaning it is a wheat-based ale that spontaneously fermented in open containers. Unlike other lambics, gueuze does not generally feature additions of fruit for flavoring.

Tasting Notes – I can’t believe people actually enjoy this stuff. Like, really sour. Blech.

Russian River Supplication

Supplication is a brown ale with cherries added, which is aged in Pinot Noir barrels for 12 months with 3 bacterial strains: Brettanomyces, Lactobacillus, and Pediococcus. It is then bottle-conditioned, allowing it to continue developing with age.

Tasting Notes – Crisp, clean and refreshing. Hints of corn sweetness. Oh sorry, I switched to Miller Lite. That other stuff was nasty. Drain pour.

 

[1977Brewer]

I meant to post this several days ago, but got distracted. Shiny objects will do that. :cross:



A Beginner’s Guide to Tasting Sours



Following on the heels of IPAs, barrel-aged beers, and Saisons, sour and wild ales are the latest trend in craft beer. Brewed using spontaneous wild fermentation and exposure to bacteria such as Lactobacillus, sours take on a characteristic dryness and acidity compared to traditionally yeast-fermented beers. To help with your first forays into sours, here are some of the more famous examples, and some tasting notes you can expect to encounter:



Duchesse De Bourgogne



One of the textbook examples of an authentic Flanders Red Ale, Duchesse De Bourgogne features a blend of old and new beer, aged in oak barrels.



Tasting Notes – Yuck, yuck, yuck. Is this beer I’m drinking? I think someone messed up and filled this bottle with red wine vinegar.



Cantillon Oude Gueuze



Gueuze is considered a type of Lambic beer, meaning it is a wheat-based ale that spontaneously fermented in open containers. Unlike other lambics, gueuze does not generally feature additions of fruit for flavoring.



Tasting Notes – I can’t believe people actually enjoy this stuff. Like, really sour. Blech.



Russian River Supplication



Supplication is a brown ale with cherries added, which is aged in Pinot Noir barrels for 12 months with 3 bacterial strains: Brettanomyces, Lactobacillus, and Pediococcus. It is then bottle-conditioned, allowing it to continue developing with age.



Tasting Notes – Crisp, clean and refreshing. Hints of corn sweetness. Oh sorry, I switched to Miller Lite. That other stuff was nasty. Drain pour.

Ha!

 

[unionrdr]

Funny stuff. We bought some German beer from Munich...yes, in green bottles again. After my wife & I sat down to watch some youtube videos & sampled it, She stated, " Thou shalt not by thine beer in green bottles". Looked like the color of stale whizz...& you call those dinosaur farts aroma? Tasted like the dino ate some sour carcass that laid in the shade too long, then farted on it. Then a saber tooth came along a whizzed on it. And taking out the next round of trash to the can was an experience one can only hope to forget, somehow, though I doubt I ever will. No more green bottles!

 

[Zuljin]

I only drink in the dark so my beer doesn't skunk in the glass.

 

[Roadliner]

These are pretty funny

 

[Rhumbline]

I think the most scathing condemnation I can offer of the whole issue is that I can't figure out which of these posts are serious.

It's kind of like the hot pepper thing. everyone clamoring to breed a hotter pepper with no focus on taste.

...or I could just be drunk.

 

[Zuljin]

I think the most scathing condemnation I can offer of the whole issue is that I can't figure out which of these posts are serious.

It's kind of like the hot pepper thing. everyone clamoring to breed a hotter pepper with no focus on taste.

...or I could just be drunk.

That right there sums up the entirety of the hot pepper and hot sauce craze. I've had raw ghost pepper, and even have a plant growing, just for the cazy. Lemme tall ya, that pepper is a food grade weapon. Or a weapons grade food. There is nothing flavorful about it. The only thing I could taste was pain. My inner ear was burning, and ringing a little. It felt like my tongue was experiencing chemical burns while being flayed open with a weed whacker. There is no culinary reason to put that pepper in your mouth. It is strictly a dare food.

And supposedly now there are one or two even hotter peppers. Pretty soon these guys will be blending their Carolina scorpion ghost reapers directly into sulfuric acid. I hope they forget to wash before they go pee.

And don't laugh, hop heads. Y'all are one step from dry hopping with cat urine soaked pine chips.

 

[arturo7]

dry hopping with cat urine soaked pine chips.

dude

 

[joshesmusica]

I meant to post this several days ago, but got distracted. Shiny objects will do that. :cross:

A Beginner’s Guide to Tasting Sours

Following on the heels of IPAs, barrel-aged beers, and Saisons, sour and wild ales are the latest trend in craft beer. Brewed using spontaneous wild fermentation and exposure to bacteria such as Lactobacillus, sours take on a characteristic dryness and acidity compared to traditionally yeast-fermented beers. To help with your first forays into sours, here are some of the more famous examples, and some tasting notes you can expect to encounter:

Duchesse De Bourgogne

One of the textbook examples of an authentic Flanders Red Ale, Duchesse De Bourgogne features a blend of old and new beer, aged in oak barrels.

Tasting Notes – Yuck, yuck, yuck. Is this beer I’m drinking? I think someone messed up and filled this bottle with red wine vinegar.

Cantillon Oude Gueuze

Gueuze is considered a type of Lambic beer, meaning it is a wheat-based ale that spontaneously fermented in open containers. Unlike other lambics, gueuze does not generally feature additions of fruit for flavoring.

Tasting Notes – I can’t believe people actually enjoy this stuff. Like, really sour. Blech.

Russian River Supplication

Supplication is a brown ale with cherries added, which is aged in Pinot Noir barrels for 12 months with 3 bacterial strains: Brettanomyces, Lactobacillus, and Pediococcus. It is then bottle-conditioned, allowing it to continue developing with age.

Tasting Notes – Crisp, clean and refreshing. Hints of corn sweetness. Oh sorry, I switched to Miller Lite. That other stuff was nasty. Drain pour.

isn't brett a wild yeast?

seriously though, funny stuff.

 

[drainbamage]

I think the most scathing condemnation I can offer of the whole issue is that I can't figure out which of these posts are serious.

Ah, but that's the point, innit? Good satire should be just grounded enough in reality to be believable if you aren't "in on the joke". That's how you end up with Chinese newspapers picking up a fake article about Kim Jong Un being named "Sexiest Man Alive" and treating it like a true story.

Now, if 3 Floyds starts getting phone calls wanting to know how to track down a bomber of Deathkvlt Rampage, I'll know I've "made it" as a writer.

And don't laugh, hop heads. Y'all are one step from dry hopping with cat urine soaked pine chips.

So, you're saying that wouldn't work?

 

[unionrdr]

I look at these like giving a true impression in a comedic sort of way...or am I just yahoo serious?...

 

[drainbamage]

Note: this next one is not autobiographical. I feel like I have to specify that. YMMV

Homebrewer Blacks Out, Forgets Hop Schedule

Memphis, Tennessee

Waking up with a pounding headache on his basement couch next to a full carboy of IPA, local homebrewer Gregory Reynolds, 28, realized he had passed out after a long brew day without bothering to log his hop additions.

“Well, I guess I was drinking my last batch of tripel like a session beer while I was brewing. That may have been my first mistake,” admits Reynolds, nursing a cup of black coffee.

Looking back through his brewing log, Reynolds discovered he had jotted down his grain bill, but the hop schedule was just a series of indecipherable scrawling and crude sketches.

“Uh, I wanna say there was Centennial in there…or was it Cascade? Amarillo?” he guessed. “I know it was all American hops. I had a specific plan for everything: FWH, whirlpool, dry-hop…the works. If I just threw everything in at the beginning of boil, this’ll taste horrible.”

Despite his apparent lapse of focus, Reynolds was at least partially satisfied with the results of his efforts.

“Honestly, I’m impressed that I didn’t drop the whole thing down the stairs and kill myself. I was absolutely hammered, but I still managed to pitch the yeast and hook up the blowoff hose.”

At time of press, Reynolds still had not recalled his process but was willing to accept the consequences of his actions.

“F**k it, I’ll just tell people it was a Citra single-hop. Everyone likes Citra.”

 

[drainbamage]

Brew & A: Gary_Oak

Austin: How did you get interested in homebrewing?

Gary_Oak: Well, I randomly found a book on brewing, I don’t remember if it was Joy of Homebrewing or Brew Like a Monk. It’s not important. All I know is once I got into the first chapter, I was hooked. I picked up all the brewing books I could find. They taught me everything I needed to know. And the rest, as they say, is history.

A: What’s your favorite beer?

G: That’s a tough question. There are so many commercial beers I drink and think “come on guys, I could do way better than that.” For one, no weird ingredients. I mean, come on…fruits, spices, barrel-aging? If you have to cover up the flavor of your beer with a bunch of other junk, it probably sucks. You might as well try to ferment babies. By the way, don’t try to talk about fermenting babies on BeerAdvocate. They’ll ban you over that.

A: Uh, ok. Good to know. So, what’s your homebrewing style – extract, PM, AG, BIAB?

G: All-grain, obviously. Anything less and you aren’t really brewing. I spend a lot of time perfecting every aspect of my recipes, so I wouldn’t waste that effort dumping a can of extract into the brewpot.

A: What’s your ideal brew rig?

G: Oh man, I can picture it in my mind. 3-tiered system, all stainless steel, really awesome stuff. Pretty expensive too, but I only accept the best.

A: What’s the worst product you’ve used?

G: Probably most of the commercial beers I’ve tried. I don’t think they’re even trying. It’s like they’ve never even read a book on brewing before.

A: Why do you homebrew?

G: Oh, I've never actually brewed my own beer.

A: You don’t?! What was all that stuff about reading books and making recipes and doing better than the pros?

G: I’m not allowed to brew in my dorm.

A: Wait, what? Your dorm?

G: Uh, yeah. I’m only 19.

[END TRANSCRIPT]