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Official Chuck Norris Facts Thread

SSBrew - 728
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I once stood on a bridge with Chuck Norris when we both had to take a leak. We both unzipped and got to work, peeing over the edge into the water below. About half way through I said "Chuck" (he lets me call him Chuck), I said "Chuck, that water down there sure is cold", Chuck Norris looks at me and says "yeah, its deep too"
 
Chuck Norris's Dick is so big its already ****ing a girl next week.

Chuck Norris's Dick is so big clowns climb out of it when he cums.

Chuck Norri's Dick is so big he has to use a hula hoop for a cock rong
 
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Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
 
Shaun_ATX said:
If Chuck Norris was on the Titanic, he would have plugged that gash with a single cum shot!
Click to expand...

This assumes he was bangin' Rosie when the ship was gashed.

Otherwise, he would have karate chopped the fook out of that iceberg before it could do any damage.
 
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
 
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
 
Chuck Norris is such a ********* fundamentalist Christian, he stumped for Mike Huckabee.

Chuck Norris is such a bitch, when teh interwebz brought his washed-up name back from the sewers of Total Gym commercials and WTR reruns by making jokes about how awesome he is, he sued.

Chuck Norris is so kickass, he gave Haley Joel Osment AIDS:

[youtube]pdsTUcuD7YA[/youtube]
 
Evan! said:
Chuck Norris is such a ********* fundamentalist Christian, he stumped for Mike Huckabee.

Chuck Norris is such a bitch, when teh interwebz brought his washed-up name back from the sewers of Total Gym commercials and WTR reruns by making jokes about how awesome he is, he sued.

Chuck Norris is so kickass, he gave Haley Joel Osment AIDS:

[youtube]pdsTUcuD7YA[/youtube]
Click to expand...

It's funny because it's true. Glad to know I'm not the only guy who has hated the Chuck Norris meme from day one.
 
Chuck Norris can eat just one...

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun...

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork...

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone...

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door...

Chuck Norris can un-pop a baloon...

Chuck Norris can lick his elbows...

(and for the geek in me...)
Chuck Norris understood recursion before he understood recursion...
 
For any CPA's out there...

Chuck Norris highlights in black

There is a sharp rise in Workers Comp claims whenever Chuck Norris is at the client
Chuck celebrates the end of each audit by burning the client's house down. Why? Cause its just what Chuck likes to do.
Chuck Norris audits in the dark
When a partner asked if the client had any other long-term liabilities...Norris simply held up his fists
If Chuck gets tired during the day he takes a nap....on the CEOs desk
Chuck Norris does not accrue for expenses...he accrues for pain
Chuck Norris' posting threshold for pain....unlimited.
Chuck Norris does not use a ruler when making "power tickmarks".... he naturally draws perfectly straight lines
Chuck Norris has a hard drive...but it doesn't refer to what's in his computer.
Chuck Norris has conducted three Weyerhaeuser site visits...strangely enough the towns of these sites no longer have any identifiable population or resources.
Chuck Norris takes a 15 minute coffee break every 5 minutes

How does Chuck Norris test fixed assets? Answer: with a bottle of super glue and an ambitious hand


How does Chuck Norris hole punch? Answer: with a shotgun and an extremely accurate aim
Chuck Norris not only assigns useful lives....he takes them away
Chuck Norris does not have to dial 9 first
Chuck Norris erases pencil marks with his beard...it erases pen too

If he finds an exception, Chuck Norris amortizes pain over the remaining useful life of the client
Chuck Norris has a full time plumber assigned to him for when he uses the restroom
Chuck Norris irons his shirts with a blowtorch and a rusty piece of sheet metalWhat's the risk of significant misstatement? Answer: A Chuck Norris roundhouse
 
Chuck Norris once got in touch with his feminine side and proceeded to get her pregnant.

Chuck Norris once ate a 72oz steak in 1 hour, he spent the other 45 minutes banging his waitress.

Chuck Norris's house has no doors, just walls he walks through.
 

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