New Joke thread. Let's keep it reasonable

[Amadeo38]

A guy goes out and gets trashed, vomits all over his shirt, then goes home around 2am. Stumbling and banging into everything on his way to bed, he awakens his wife who sees the state he's in. Furious, she yells, "If you ever come home drunk like this again it's over! We are getting a divorce!"

A couple weeks later, the guy gets trashed and vomits on his shirt again. He exclaims to his buddy, "Oh no! My wife's going to see the vomit and know I was drunk, and then she'll divorce me!" His buddy says, "Just put a $20 bill in the front pocket of the shirt and tell her 'some guy at the bar puked on my shirt and gave me $20 to pay for it'." So he does, and heads home. He stumbles in and his wife wakes up, exclaims, "You're wasted again and puked on yourself - it's over!" The guy slurs, "No wait! Check the front pocket!" After pulling out $40 from his pocket, the wife asks, "What's this?" He replies, "That's $20 from the guy at the bar who puked on my shirt." She retorts, "But there's $40 here..." He explains, "Oh yeah, the other $20 is from the guy who **** my pants."

 

[passedpawn]

Two electrons sitting at a bar when one turns to the other. "I think I just lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"Yup, I'm positive."

*atoms

I like nerdy jokes.

 

[vanishingpint]

Guy walks into a bar and says do you serve women in here ? The bartender says no you have bring your own.

 

[JonM]

Grammar jokes.

A woman walks into a bar. "What'll you have?" asks the bartender. "An entendre," she says. "And make it a double." So he gives it to her.

A subject and a verb had a disagreement in a bar and one of them pull a gun.

A bar was walked in to by the passive voice.

 

[RobertHunter]

What’s an echo?



Is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word

 

[RobertHunter]

A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.

Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she laboured away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!"

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.

His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

 

[jr72023]

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

I remember when the guy who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died. They had one hell of a time at the mortuary, getting into the casket. They put his left foot in............

 

[Scout]

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

 

[Scout]

Guy walks into a bar and orders half a dozen shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them, and watches as the guy driving inks them all one after another. "Hey man" he says, "you shouldn't be ink like that."
"You'd drink like this too if you had what I have."
"Oh? What do you have?"
"About two dollars"

 

[ejf063]

Why did michael Jackson like to shop at Kmart?

Because little boys pants were half off....

 

[ejf063]

I just heard that. It made me smile

 

[arturo7]

Could you please go over that again? We're not so smart here and we need old, tired jokes to be explained in great detail.

EDIT: or just change your post

 

[Scout]

You mean like "Pee Wee's Dry-cleaning?" Where the sign says "Drop your pants and jacket off"? That is also a play on words, "jacket" having a double meaning...

 

[ejf063]

You mean like "Pee Wee's Dry-cleaning?" Where the sign says "Drop your pants and jacket off"? That is also a play on words, "jacket" having a double meaning...

Love it.... Puns are fun

 

[cloudybrewer]

It's amazing how certain jokes are told by people all over the country.

 

[Scout]

I once wrote a screenplay on language.

It was a play on words.

 

[vanishingpint]

Woman walks into a grocery and picks up a banana, a can of soup and some celery .The clerk looks at her items and says I'll bet you're single.She says how did you know that? He replies cause you're so so damn ugly.

 

[RobertHunter]

I hate when someone steals my idea before I've had it.

 

[BamaProud]

I Mexican Magician told his audience he was going to disappear on the count of three. He Began Uno, Dos...and he disappeared without a tres.

 

[afro_lou]

Hey, did you ever wonder why scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?


Cause if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat!

 

[JonM]

View attachment ImageUploadedByHome Brew1468863217.628410.jpg

 

[KayaBrew]

what do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? a Dicktater.

 

[afro_lou]

You know why José started taking Prozac?


Because of hispanic attacks

 

[Homercidal]

Deleted post for being maybe too far over the line.

 

[hunter_le five]

EDITED

You trying to shut this thread down, moderator?

 

[Homercidal]

It's not racist, it's Nationalist!

 

[day_trippr]

It's not racist, it's Nationalist!

Actually, it's clearly *******, and needs to end, now.

Cheers!

 

[Photopilot]

There was a man named Tim who was tired of living in the big city. One day, he decided he was going to become more in touch with nature and move out to somewhere he could live out on the open land. He decided he would move to Scotland. So he did. He found a beautiful spot and built himself a house. He lived there for a while, and really liked the change.

However, eventually, he started to get lonely. One day, there was a knock on the door. The man was shocked at first, he hadn't seen or heard from a single soul since he first moved. He rushed to the door, opening it he saw an obviously drunk Scotsman. Tim let the man in and then asked him "what brings you out here?" The man responded "I'm holding a party, and I'm inviting everyone I can find." Tim told the man "well I would be glad to go, I haven't seen a single person since I moved here. I must ask, what is your name?" The Scot's name was David.

Tim then asked him "what will be happening at this party?" David responded enthusiastically "there will be ale, and lots of it!" Tim laughed and said "well of course, we are in Scotland. What else?" David puffed out his chest and said "there's gonna be a fight. A good old fashioned brawl." Tim looked up with a grin "well I do love a good fight. What else will be at this get together?" David then told him "there's going to be sex, lots of it." This got Tim in a wonderful mood, he said he had not seen a woman in ages. David said "There's nae women about, it will only be the two of us."

 

[RobertHunter]

With today's focus on exercising, I've been trying to persuade my husband to join me in a 20-minute evening walk.

One evening after reading an article called "Improve Your Sex Life", I presented my new argument. I told my hubby that, according to what I read, if he just walked 20 minutes a day it would improve his sex life.

Hubby gave me that confused look and asked, "Who do I know that lives 20 minutes away"?

 

[Menhir]

A termite walks into a bar and says "Where's the bar tender?"