Is this wrong? My wife got mad at me..

[mrfocus]

I know if they put my toolboxes in the sink (and dirty dishes all over) I would have been not too happy. And I completely understand the "don't touch my cabinet doors, fools!" feeling that probably went through you, but as others have said, try and make your wife understand that it wasn't the fact that they were helping you, just that they weren't being careful (hammer and screwdriver to take down a cabinet door?) and it wasn't planned (as I understand those to be the problem major problem).

 

[mrk305]

I changed my avatar back to the original to reflect a happier time. Taken at the end of the best day of the best cruise vacation ever. I call it, beer guy in the sunset.

Yeah. Her cousin was shot last night and is dying. He was a good looking kid in his young twenties. I didn't know him very well, as he didn't attend many family functions, but I knew his mom. Apparently he went to wake up his roommate, and he shot him in the neck with the bullet going into his head.

Things are going to get back to normal I feel in a matter of time. We have talked a few times. I just need to get her away from her butt-in-ski mom!

Back to beer! The double header last weekend was my Honey Razberry Porter in my recipe drop down and a Rye Pale Ale. I liked Terrapins version of that so I added a bit of rye to my regular IPA. Two row with a half pound of crystal and rye, with chinook and cascade hops. They have been in the primary for 8 days now. I will rack the porter to a secondary soon to free up a bucket for my next batch and I will probably not secondary the rye pale.

I am definately going to step up the brewing a notch as long as I have the house to myself.

 

[Schlenkerla]

I think you have to appologize to patch things up with the wife.

I side with you about being pissed about how they went about doing the kitchen. Your wife should know you well enough that you are methodical planner and that this would irritate you. I am the same way and this would piss me off.

The place is yours & your wife's its overstepping even though they good attentions at heart. I think decorating is somewhat personal. People have different tastes. Sounds like they might have been coaxed by a bitching daughter that didn't want to wait until you had time.

I also know about tools. Any man that has a mechanical bone in their body knows that using other guys tools w/o asking is like borrowing your tooth brush to scrub toilets. You don't do it.

You need to try to explain this when it all settles down. You have to be cool about it when you do and not insult her parents in the process.

I'd appologize ASAP. I can't offer advice on the too much brewing I hear that complaint regulary. The wife watches too much crap TV and I can't bear to be in the same room when its on the tube.

Good Luck!!

 

[PeteOz77]

I can't offer advice on the too much brewing I hear that complaint regulary. The wife watches too much crap TV and I can't bear to be in the same room when its on the tube.

I believe that putting up with the bullshirt is half the battle and half the fun of being married or in a relationship with someone. She doesn't have to like everything you do, and you don't have to like everything she does.

That's sort of where love comes in and takes over and you say "I love this person even though they piss me off sometimes. I am willing to put up with the SH!T because the rest of it is worth it!"

Personally, I wouldn't like it if SWMBO shared all the same likes and dislikes that I have. Knowing that SWMBO hates my RC racing, but still allows me to do it without nagging me, makes me appreciate doing the things she DOES like a LOT more.. And she feels the same way. She knows that I will do something with her that I don't thoroughly enjoy, because I know SHE enjoys it.

SWMBO HATES pork. She can't even stand to smell it cooking.. but she still buys me pork chops when we BBQ, because she knows I love them.

 

[cd2448]

I had a similar problem with SWMBO and golf. Now, she was all for me getting out and getting some nice healthy exercise. But when she finds out it will have me out of the house for 5 hours on a weekend - not so keen. So I don't golf much these days. Beer, now that's creative (!) so it's ok.

I am definately going to step up the brewing a notch as long as I have the house to myself.

This made me smile. I'm sure it wouldn't go down well if she heard you say it, but it's just practical, isn't it?

 

[Schlenkerla]

Good Points PeteOz77

I always ask my wife if she want to do something to let me know. I will drop being online to do something worth while with her if she asks politely. I flat-out refuse to sit and watch the reality-BS on tv.

I generally try to warn her about planned brew times so she doesn't have different expectations of my time. Its when I forget and she want to go do something that she gets ticked.

I will say if I don't pull my weight like neglecting chores its guaranteed to be thrown in my face. I would have the same to say to her if responsibilities are neglected.

We will be adopting within a year or so. I don't know how that will play out, I enjoy this hobby a lot, I'll have less time for it, but I won't be forced to quit it either.

 

[EdWort]

My wife has her horses, I have my brewing. We both enjoy the beer.

 

[Fingers]

Ripping the house apart while you are not there is no different that you throwing a raging party in the house while she isn't there and expecting her to clean up the mess. Now that they've started, you have no choice but to finish and that takes your free will and participation in the decision making process out of the equation.

Don't back down. She's forcing you do what she wants on her schedule. If you apologize and accept responsibility you give her a new strategy to manipulate you. Stay the course.

 

[CatchinZs]

It's kinda funny but my wife and I went through this years back when we lived together but weren't married yet.

I used to have a particular way I liked to do things and my wife was never quite on the same page.
My wife used to start projects and I had to finish them.

An example of this is our stairs to our second floor. The previous owner had carpeted the oak stair (crazy, I know!) . I hated it and mentioned it to my wife.
We talked it over and I explained to her how carpet was attached and how much work it was going to be.
She convinced me that we could do it and get it done as a "team."
She helped me remove the carpet from the steps to expose the tack strips....maybe 30 mins of work.
She then decided that the strips would be to hard to remove so she left that up to me....hours later I had them removed but the amount of blood that those little bastards can draw is nothing short of amazing.
Now fast forward to me belt sanding the stairs and putting 3 coats of poly on them. Mind you we have two large dogs that don't give a damn about the finish of my stairs so I had to do three alternating steps a night so that they would be dry by the time we went to bed so there were no permanent paw prints in the finish.
I replaced every spindel which required the removal of the end caps for the stair treads...not a fun job when the original installer used some kind of 3 inch log trim nail.
I painted every riser just because if I did all that work I may has well spend and hour and take care of the detail work.

So I spent untold hours working to make the stairs as perfect as possible and she helped for 30 mins.

Now to the important part of the story...I have learned to accept that this is the way she works and she and I understand that I now have the project management responsibility for our projects. We still butt heads but that is to be expected. We just try to be good listeners....that's the hard part when you both have an idea that you want but they just don't match up.

If you said hurtful things to her and her family you should apologize, not because your giving in, but because you know what you said was hurtful and unnecessary.

I personally have always struggled with not taking the cheap shot when it is opened up to me. I'm much better than I used to be but we can always improve our communication.

Sorry for the book...I hope it helped is some way.

 

[stever]

mrk305, I have learned the hard way that there is no quicker way to drive a wedge between you and your wife than to bad mouth or hate the MIL. If you make your wife choose between you and her mother you will end up divorced. I have always had mucho problems with my MIL and she did some stuff I really didn't like so I thought I would start getting more vocal and tell my wife that the MIL can kiss my a$$ and I don't want her coming around any more. Well lets just say sometimes it better to pick your battles and the one with the MIL is not one you want to pick.

I also can relate to you blowing your top when you came home to a clusterf*ck, I would have done the same many years ago but now I just roll with it. It makes life much easier.

good luck.

 

[ohiobrewtus]

MIL's can be a real PITA. My ex's mom was over all the time doing crap like you described above. Although it was a pain it wasn't one of the major reasons that we got divorced. Just a major annoyance.

I suggest that you have a heart to heart with your wife about how you felt about the situation. Don't place blame or point fingers, just let her know how it made you feel and why.

 

[kornkob]

When dealing with this sort of thing it is important to avoid stating opinions or feelings as fact. When you do that it usualy comes off sound like blame or anger, neither of which is conducive to adult dialoge and problem resolution.

Consider this:

You left my tools in the sink and that will ruin them.

vs

When I saw my tools in the sink it made me angry because I was afraid they'd be ruined.


or

The kitchen was a disaster and the job was half done and not at all done they right way.

vs

I'm feeling overwhelmed by the scope of this project now, particularly since I wasn't included in the planning or allowed to take part in the decisions that were made.


I'm just saying that sitting down and thinking very carefully about what to say so that nothing you say is stated as fact is important to defusing the situation. These phrasings don't mean that you are 'giving in' or letting her have her way. It doesn't mean you are 'letting her off the hook, either. You're jsut epxressing your perspective without making any judgements outside yorself. It's HARD to do but its worth it.

DON'T try and work out a conversation with her or 'script' how the conversation will go. Just find the 3-5 things in this situation that happened and frame in terms of how they affected you--- like my examples. the conversationw ill go where it goes and if you try to build a converation you will end up derailed -- that will end less than optimally.


On the other hand, when you start being honest with yourself if you find that what's really going on is that you don't love this woman, at least find enough decency in your soul to try and end it nicely.

 

[Evan!]

jeez, 'bout time Dr. Phil-kob showed up. Took you long enough. I was just thinking the other day how this thread needed some abject levelheadedness like only you can provide

 

[TexLaw]

Making an apology is not a matter of giving in, giving up advantage, or losing the battle. There is no battle here, at least not between you and she. One apology often leads to another, and then y'all can work this out.

On the other hand, if this is a matter of trying to maintain or gain advantage, then y'all should probably just stay apart.


TL

 

[kornkob]

Making an apology is not a matter of giving in, giving up advantage, or losing the battle. There is no battle here, at least not between you and she. One apology often leads to another, and then y'all can work this out.

On the other hand, if this is a matter of trying to maintain or gain advantage, then y'all should probably just stay apart.

If you are engaged in a relationship with someone be it a friendship or something more and you have to think in terms of 'advantage' or 'battle' then the odds are you are doing it wrong.

Sometimes it is easier to talk about 'battle' or 'advantage' when discussing how to compromise but if that's the only way you can think about your relationship then you are not talking aobut love, you are talking about a transaction. Now I imagine there's some super-capitalist nutjob or 'Ayn Rand-ian' philosopher out there who might try to convince you that every healthy interaction between people is a 'transaction' but if you look at people who are truly happy together these days, you'll find that isn't how they approach each other.

If you absolutely have to think in terms of 'winning' consider this: if you can successfully participate in the negotiation of a resolution that leaves you both happy, you win.

 

[bobjenkins79]

Crap like this used to happen in my marriage all the time, and I finally know why. It's because guys like me, (and maybe you), give in to our wive's demands as though we are their subordinates.

Anything she wanted, I gave it to her. One day, I looked all through my house and realized that nothing in it was mine. With the exception of the garage in the basement, you would never know that I even lived there. I guess when you piss your pants it'll only keep you warm for a short while.

I left my wife right after New Year's this year, and I've never been happier. I'm not saying you should do the same thing, but I am saying you should do a good job of stating your case and acting like a man. Stay calm and don't punk out if she starts throwing a fit and yelling. Freedom is an amazing thing, but I'm sure it pales in comparison to being in a great marriage.

Just my 2 cents.

bob

 

[EdWort]

jeez, 'bout time Dr. Phil-kob showed up. Took you long enough. I was just thinking the other day how this thread needed some abject levelheadedness like only you can provide

Dr. Phil-Kob! LOL!

Dr. Kornkob rocks in my book! :rockin:

Fantastic insight into the situtation and advice that can be used by all.

Thanks Doc!

 

[kornkob]

Dr. Kornkob rocks in my book! :rockin:

Fantastic insight into the situtation and advice that can be used by all.

Dr. Kornkob, that's funny.


I've burned my share bridges in the past. I've thrown the baby out with the bathwater. I've gone on angry rants that culminated in me blaming everyone but me for what's going on around me. I've kept my expectations to myself but then expressed my disappointment when people failed to meet expectations they were never aware of.

None of those things ever did me any good except to teach me that that strategy doesn't work.

 

[Fingers]

Crap like this used to happen in my marriage all the time, and I finally know why. It's because guys like me, (and maybe you), give in to our wive's demands as though we are their subordinates.

I'm not saying you should do the same thing, but I am saying you should do a good job of stating your case and acting like a man. Stay calm and don't punk out if she starts throwing a fit and yelling. Freedom is an amazing thing, but I'm sure it pales in comparison to being in a great marriage.

Just my 2 cents.

bob

Amen, Bob.

By leaving with her mother she's challenging you to come after her. You're ALREADY in the battle Texlaw mentioned whether you like it or not. One of you has to crack or its over. Now you have to decide what you want; to crawl back and let her dominate you with a threat she knows is effective, or stand your ground.

I'm surprised she hasn't already used the third option. It's been my experience that when they expect you to apologize/make up and you don't, they try to give little nudges. She'll phone or show up and be civil but not mention the event at all. This is supposed to be your invitation to patch things. Go ahead and do that, but not with an apology. Be kind, but firm.

If she doesn't come back to you, then you were done anyway and the fight was never really about the MIL or the cupboards. In this case trying to patch things up by apologizing, group hugging, or sobbing into her shoulder would only delay the inevitable.

Watch for option 3.

 

[jezter6]

I dealt with the whole 'running away' to separate for a while, and IMHO - it's the beginning of the end. If you can't deal with your arguments and stay living together without running away for days/weeks/months/years every time things get rough - then it's probably not really a marriage at all.

Maybe I have a sour taste, but I don't think running away from the issue was the way to resolve the problem, and if that's the way people want to resolve problems, then they will continue to do it whenever it's convenient for them.

 

[Bob Loblaw]

"don't you love her when she's walking out the door, like she did one thousand times before" -Jim Morrison

-that would describe my marriage & we are very happily married. Just make sure you do the right thing, take charge, and make her want to come back. She will always want to walk out and run away from the problem, but that is not a good solution, take charge and solve the problem (for me that sometimes means being an ass and not taking her bull****, but that depends on the situation).

 

[Bernie Brewer]

Dr. Kornkob rocks in my book! :rockin:

Fantastic insight into the situtation and advice that can be used by all.

Thanks Doc!

I'll second that. Kornkob, the love Doctor..........:rockin:

 

[dirtymike1]

Ok so she's not my wife, but my girlfriend just threatened me with the business end of a vacum...

+1 for laziness...(forgetting to do dishes, and talking on HBT)

 

[Hollow4]

I read through the whole thread and i feel that i have to add that there is a problem when your wife leaves because of a disagreement. I'm not saying you have a terrible marriage but thats troubling that she would actually leave because you lost your cool. What would be most important would be to go over there and apologize to her, and then to MIL and then to step FIL and attempt to rectify this. I wouldnt say blow smoke, but some sort of hot air would work. I would also offer to help them out with any home improvement repairs they have. I would then address with your wife, in a calm, not at her MIL house, the issue of her "running away".

I dont know why, but that would bug me that she just packed her sh!t and left. It would make me wonder what the hell i had actually done to deserve that. It would be a signal, to me, of larger problems.

If you have a relationship that can handle joking around, just tell her you thought the paint she used wasnt all that great and you decided to rip out all the cabinets from the kitchen, blow out a wall, and add a home theater. Just tell her you thought it would be better for the house.

but seriously, i would have a major problem with the running away. no matter if she was right or wrong, its just not a great way to handle problems.

 

[Sir Humpsalot]

Crap like this used to happen in my marriage all the time, and I finally know why. It's because guys like me, (and maybe you), give in to our wive's demands as though we are their subordinates.

Anything she wanted, I gave it to her. One day, I looked all through my house and realized that nothing in it was mine. With the exception of the garage in the basement, you would never know that I even lived there. I guess when you piss your pants it'll only keep you warm for a short while.

So you're saying the fact that I still have my convertible, have the garage for all my big projects, half the laundry room for my brewery, a closet for my grain, hops, beer bottles and kegs, and a library/office for reading in peace is a good sign, eh?


As for the OP, I can only tell you that a little buttsex goes a long way toward getting a girl to chill out. In my experience, if it's a minor tiff, just give it to her in the pooper and she will calm down for a few days until things blow over. Seriously. On the other hand, if she's seriously and legitimately upset, you might have to take kornkob's advise.

Cheers!

 

[bobjenkins79]

[Sir Humpsalot]So you're saying the fact that I still have my convertible, have the garage for all my big projects, half the laundry room for my brewery, a closet for my grain, hops, beer bottles and kegs, and a library/office for reading in peace is a good sign, eh?

Sounds like you're doing alright

As for the OP, I can only tell you that a little buttsex goes a long way toward getting a girl to chill out.

Noted. I guess I've just never really had the desire for all that. I mean, you're like 4 millimeters from the greatest place on earth; why not just go there instead?

 

[Sir Humpsalot]

Sounds like you're doing alright


Noted. I guess I've just never really had the desire for all that. I mean, you're like 4 millimeters from the greatest place on earth; why not just go there instead?

Because it makes the girl chill out. It's weird. I don't understand it. But it works.

 

[EdWort]

SWMBO wears the pants in my family. She ORDERED me to build a brew hut this month. She FORCED me to fly in my brother-in-law architect/carpenter to help while she and my sister watch and drink beer & wine.

I've been HENPECKED into picking the weekend of April 25th for ground breaking. I've been TOLD in no uncertain terms to GET THIS DONE.

Now I have to got to Home Depot & Lowe's.

What can I do to redeem myself and manhood?

 

[uglygoat]

aroma therapy and a bubble bath ed...

 

[Jim Karr]

and how about a little buttsex?