I need a sanity check....Long Story About the Wife

[Hopsichord]

Im going to say some things different than what others have.

You can mend a broken relationship, and it can work. The key is making sure that you actually resolve ALL of the problems, not just one of them. The issue isnt just her (probably) cheating. She is (probably) stepping out for a reason. If you both want to be together, there is nothing that says you cant, but you should respect yourself enough to make sure you are comfortable with that outcome. If you cant see yourself fixing it, then call a divorce lawyer now, dont draw it out for the drama. If you cant fix it, you dont need answers, you dont need her side of the story, you just need out. That is okay.

Now if you do want to fix it, you need to actually fix it. You need to be upfront with her. Ask if she still wants to be married to you. You can ask if she cheated or not, it really doesnt matter. Accept whatever she tells you and believe it. If you are committing to this, then that is the only truth that matters. Talk about your relationship, ask what you can do to make it stronger. If you can stomach counseling, go for it. Make your expectations of the relationship known. If you want complete honesty, tell her that is what you require. If you want her to do what she wants to do, and you just dont want to know about it, that is fine too. Dont let people sway you, this is your relationship and if you can live with it, then it is a good solution. On the same hand, ask what she needs. Basically rewrite or at least review the rule book for your relationship, and establish clear lines of communication. She needs to know that you would rather have her tell you to your face "Im unhappy, and we need to fix this" than her step out. Or, if it comes to this, she should know that it is okay to say that she wants to end it.

If you can establish ground rules, and get past the original issue, you can definitely make it work. I went through a similar thing, and this is exactly what we did. Seven years later, and we are still together and very happy. Our relationship is built on trust and absolute honesty now, which is more than it ever was before.

Only the two of you can make the decision, and it is your decision to make. Getting advice from friends, family, and the internet is great, but at the end the day you have to live with it. Do whatever will make you happy.

Agreed.

If it's over for you 100% now or based on what you learn, then it's over. Accept it, and begin the healing process. And yes, children make this a whole different ballgame.

If you do want to TRY to make it work, then give it absolutely everything you possibly can summon. You'll 99.9% never regret trying your best to make it work, even if it fails. If you haven't already, be prepared to ask yourself some really tough questions about your contributions to any communications and/or relationship breakdown. This certainly doesn't make what she did or might have done excusable in the least, but it may shed light on what could have led to her being inappropriate, or not being strong enough to say to him that something is inappropriate and unwanted, or weak. If she needs attention or to be heard or affection and she's not getting it from you, she may not be strong/emotionally developed enough to deal with it in the way that she should have from the beginning: talking with you about it and how to work together to meet the needs each of you have.

Wherever possible, listen and talk with compassion. That doesn't mean that you have to accept anything she's done as right, and depending on what might have happened, you should say it's wrong or wrong for you as a team if that's what you feel. But it does mean accepting that it happened, period.

No matter what happens from here, holding on to the negative energy is only going to eat you up inside. If you split up now or if you consider staying together, try your best to find inner peace.

 

[soccerdad]

Best of luck with it all Jeep. Hoping for a good outcome.

 

[Roland_deschain]

I'm not trolling. This thing has taken on a life of it's own and I don't think I could troll this well if I had tried. There's really not much for her to lose if she just up and left. She actually brings in most of the income in the house. As far as explaining specific parts of the texts when I mention them, she just says that it's just a joke. She says that she only flirts with people that she sees as harmless and wouldn't actually act on it. I've got no hard evidence that anything actually happened between them and no hard evidence has been given to me that says nothing did. All I've got to go on is her word saying that she didn't. Outside of this, our marriage has been solid.

Also, as I look back on the texts, the really slimy stuff is initiated by him. Her flirting along with it doesn't sit well with me, but she isn't bringing most of this stuff up; he is.

Her flirting with ANYONE but her husband is disrespectful to you.

 

[Rock_Toy]

Fork Neck Curb

 

[TXCrash]

You need to go drinking with both of them. See where the evening goes.

Sounds like a recipie for a devils threesome.

 

[GuldTuborg]

Sounds like a recipie for a devils threesome.

Some people like kinky. Tough to blame them.

 

[slym2none]

Sounds like a recipie for a devils threesome.

 

[Inkleg]

I am fairly certain we'll continue to make definite assertions based on vague conclusions until you decide to come back with an update.

We've already had a thread gone , what's next?

 

[TXCrash]

Some people like kinky. Tough to blame them.

Well, I mean it's clear he's already sharing - may as well look the guy in the eye.

 

[Psylocide]

 

[joshesmusica]

The hand in the pants was butt, as explained to me. Although at this point it should be noted, that all my info on that is from her directly. She told me it happened and that she tried to stop it. Though her attempts to stop it sounded like they were half hearted at best. I appreciate all the input and will take some of it into consideration moving forward, but will likely stay out of the conversation moving forward. I don't really want to add any more fuel to this thing here and need to stop worrying about what you all say and start applying it to moving toward some sort of resolution with her, be it good or bad.

Oh come on man. You started this thread with very little info, asking for advice. Then of course got the advice to split (for the most part). Then continue to be very vague with a lot of the information. Now you're not even going to give us the conclusion?

You're in a tough spot, no doubt. I don't fault you for not sharing everything on here (although, for the most part, you have almost complete anonymity), but it's kind of like the newbs asking for advice about their beer. We can't help without the full story. Same here. We can only make guesses based on the information provided.

And from that information it honestly seems like she's cheating on you. But as others have said, it honestly seems like you might not be doing your best in the relationship either, as far as total, up front honesty is concerned.

Nobody here can claim to be in the perfect relationship, certainly not myself. But the one thing I am with my wife is brutally honest (even if that means we have some shouting matches from time to time). There's not enough time in life to bumble around without fully expressing the way you feel. You've been doing her and yourself a disservice by not fully expressing the way this behavior affects you.

Now as far as the cheating part goes, if I had some pretty solid evidence like you have, the first thing I would do was keep my mouth shut until I had 100% proof. And the way I would do that is by hiring a PI on her next business trip. Until you have 100% proof, if she's just a cheating manipulator, she will find a way to weasel her way out of it.

But seriously dude, even if you don't give us any more information about her escapades, at least give us a conclusion! It's like going to a movie, and then having to get up and leave right as the climax is about reached (not necessarily any pun intended?), never having any clue how it concluded.

 

[Moose_MI]

PEOPLE...Fellow HBT'ers....The OP has effectively checked out....please exit this thread in an orderly fashion.

We are in desperate need of people to advise if they poop at work or if you ignore your water....

Please fill your pint and begin contributing where your input is appreciated.

Brew on!

 

[Doctor_M]

Hiding marital assets can/will be worse when her attorney digs it up. And they will. My brother tried the same thing, trust me they can find it.

....... Buy a ticket to vegas..... pull out cash to go to vegas. Go to Vegas and spend some money but not all..... return home and hide cash somewhere. .... profit

 

[TXCrash]

http://www.woot.com/offers/wanna-rub-my-butt-6?ref=w_cnt_odet_pic_2#fullsize-1

Shame they're sold out, would make a perfect anniversary gift...

 

[CGVT]

http://www.woot.com/offers/wanna-rub-my-butt-6?ref=w_cnt_odet_pic_2#fullsize-1

Shame they're sold out, would make a perfect anniversary gift...

Haha!

That's cold. Funny as hell, but cold. Ha!

 

[drainbamage]

http://www.woot.com/offers/wanna-rub-my-butt-6?ref=w_cnt_odet_pic_2#fullsize-1

Shame they're sold out, would make a perfect anniversary gift...

Too soon.

 

[TXCrash]

Too soon.

Never too soon where I come from.

And, well, I've been there. I did the exact same chit as op...

 

[CGVT]

Never too soon where I come from.

And, well, I've been there. I did the exact same chit as op...

You and me both.

He needs a kick in the ass. It won't help because he'll hold on way too long though.

 

[normonster]

people...fellow hbt'ers....the op has effectively checked out....please exit this thread in an orderly fashion.

We are in desperate need of people to advise if they poop at work or if you ignore your water....

Please fill your pint and begin contributing where your input is appreciated.

Brew on!

lol.

 

[TXCrash]

You and me both.

He needs a kick in the ass. It won't help because he'll hold on way too long though.

Yup.

 

[slym2none]

True story:

I had an "an affair" with a married woman once. I knew she was married. I also knew she was unhappy, and wanted only to help her. Yes, I am male, and hormones probably took over. Still, it wasn't a happy relationship with her & her husband. Our tryst only lasted a little more than a week.

It ended when her husband (a former Ohio State football player) found out, and came to get her at a hotel room we were in. He never said a word to either of us, only brought their kids out when he came to get her.

The good feelings evaporated after that. We stayed friends, and I later found out she divorced him & moved back to her home state with her two children, but nothing was ever the same.

I learned a lesson. I always thought "I won't chase a married woman, but if she chases me... " but after that, I knew it was wrong. Even in her situation.

I am glad that I will never put myself in that situation again. I am also glad he didn't decide to show up and beat my ass. I was 5'11" at best and only broke 200 pounds when I became overweight. "He" was very nice to me.

All said & done, it isn't worth it. On either end.

 

[mmb]

Life is too short to deal with this stuff. No one marries "up" or is too good for someone else. And no one can distroy you like a loved one.

Whatever you do, do it fully. Don't go half measures and vacillate on your decisions. Whatever it is, it is the best for you because it was your decision.

Unless she's actively solicitating then you're an idiot for sticking around.

 

[Kampenken]

... No one marries "up" or is too good for someone else...

That was the line when I realized the OP was going to struggle with the end. I feel for Jeep, it will be a tough journey for him. Suspect he has lots of self doubt right now, but he can get beyond that. Yeah I want to hear the end of this thread too, but for now like so many of you, I wish him all the best.

 

[Pkrd]

Relevant:
https://www.homebrewtalk.com/showpost.php?p=7367397&postcount=5790

 

[TXCrash]

Relevant:
https://www.homebrewtalk.com/showpost.php?p=7367397&postcount=5790

Probably be more believable if there was an empty magnum wrapper next to it.

 

[wallybangbang]

My wife asked me what I was reading on here and after reading a few posts and getting some of story called it "man beer drama" and "real beer husbands". I'm done now, cant look at this anymore.


(But seriously someone PM me if he comes back with a conclusion to this saga. I want to know what happens)

 

[Magnus314]

No Jury Would Convict you. Do what you wish.

 

[Zuljin]

No one marries "up"...

I dunno, man. Looking around, I'd say a lot of you gorillas married way up.

 

[kombat]

Relevant:
https://www.homebrewtalk.com/showpost.php?p=7367397&postcount=5790

Related: The very first episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

After closing hours, Mac tricks Dennis into continuously showing him the proper method of taking a tequila shot, getting Dennis to the point of being "blackout drunk"; Dee leaves to go find a few of her acting buddies. Dennis wakes up naked, next to a blonde man, and a black man coming out of his bathroom, and is appalled by the situation.

[...]

While Mac thanks Dee for tricking Dennis into changing his mind, Dee informs him that she could not get in touch with her acting friends, and thus, Dennis' homosexual experiment was not staged.

 

[broadbill]

No Jury Would Convict you. Do what you wish.

Tell that to the guy who beat the hell out of his wife's lover this summer in full view of multiple families (mine included). That guy went to jail over something that was already dead and gone (his marriage), because he had to be the tougher guy.

I'm sure all those kids on the beach that day learned a valuable lesson that woman are property and you should assault the person who takes it from you. Good thing these sacred moral codes mean so much we beat people up over them.