Holiday Family Ridiculousness

[Pappers_]

OMG, its already started. My mother in-law is arguing with my wife (the Lutheran pastor) about the Old Testament prophets and kings, especially David. I won't go into the details, its just so stupifyingly dumb I can't stand it.

She just asked my wife if David was really big, like physically big, since the bible says David was 'great'.

Feel free to add your own particular holiday family ridiculousness. I'm sure I'll be back to add to this.

 

[crash1292]

I heard he was great because he had a 10 inch

 

[Yooper]

Nothing lately- it's kinda nice being 800 miles away from your childhood home I guess!

But as a child, my aunt and mother (sisters only 1 year apart) would argue over who was making the stuffing even though we always had holidays at our house. I mean argue, as in fight. So, my aunt starting bringing her own stuffing and a chicken (to hold the stuffing, I guess) for her family since my moms was "not eatable".

Seriously? Even as a kid I couldn't believe it.

By the way, it was bad stuffing- gooey and with green pieces that I believe were parsley- that's why my mom insisted on making the stuffing!

 

[Pappers_]

So, my aunt starting bringing her own stuffing and a chicken (to hold the stuffing, I guess) for her family since my moms was "not eatable".

That is classic!

When my oldest was an baby, mother-in-law got banished from our home by my wife for going and picking up the baby after my wife had told her to leave him be (he was struggling to sleep through the night). That was a Christmas to remember! People think my wife is so sweet, she's such a good pastor - just don't get on her bad side!

 

[dzlater]

That's why I keep the beer in the garage.

 

[Frankfurtvr4]

That is one of the reasons I got a divorce.

 

[TMet]

I'm almost ashamed to say I was relieved when I learned my family wasn't coming in for the holidays. Almost. By the end of the first day they're in you can feel the tension in the house and usually by Christmas day we're on the verge of an all out war. My Mom and I always end up sneaking off to the garage to get hammered and avoid the chaos while the rest of the family has a free for all in the house. Inevitably just as the buzz is kicking someone notices we're missing then we're the target for everyone for not spending quality time with loved ones.

Last years craziness: Out of nowhere my dad wanted to watch football. I look through the channels and there are no games being played. I tell him this and he gets pissed and insists there is. I pull up the NFL website and show him there are no games being played and he EXPLODES and throws the remote across the room still insisting there is a game. My wife, who takes no crap from anyone, tears into him and everything goes to hell. My Mom grabbed a bottle of Jack out of the liquor cabinet and just pointed to the front of the house and we spent the next hour passing the bottle back and forth until we got caught. 'Tis the season...

 

[HerotBrewer]

OMG, its already started. My mother in-law is arguing with my wife (the Lutheran pastor) about the Old Testament prophets and kings, especially David. I won't go into the details, its just so stupifyingly dumb I can't stand it.

She just asked my wife if David was really big, like physically big, since the bible says David was 'great'.

Feel free to add your own particular holiday family ridiculousness. I'm sure I'll be back to add to this.

While we usually do Xmas with my family, 8 kids, a brother and sister in law, my sister's kids, etc, this year my wife wanted to do things simple and at home, so we invited another couple over for dinner. Should be drama free.

If you really want to nip the David conversation in the bud, just quote this story:
"Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king's enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. 26 And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king's son-in-law. Before the time had expired, 27 David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king's son-in-law."

Talk of foreskins over the dinner table should make everyone switch topics pretty fast.

 

[Homercidal]

Nope. Never been to a holiday get together where there's been any fighting. Maybe a few poorly chosen words once in a while, but I've never had the pleasure of dealing with such asininity...

Am I the only one who wonders what ever happen to all of those foreskins? Did he hang them on the wall? Toss them to the cats? Make napkin holders out of them??

 

[Pappers_]

Yes, compared to family throwing things, drinking to escape each other, or bringing their own food because the host is trying to poison them, our family is great. First, its just my wife's family - and really, just my mother-in-law. Its not fighting, its inanity.

My thoughts and prayers are with all those who have to deal with fighting and serious discord during the holidays.

 

[Pappers_]

Am I the only one who wonders what ever happen to all of those foreskins? Did he hang them on the wall? Toss them to the cats? Make napkin holders out of them??

Sort of reminds me of shop class in middle school when we did leather working - the possibilities are endless. I made a wallet, a belt, and a hatchet cover.

 

[Revvy]

Thank god, my family is pathetically normal where all that crap is concerned. No major dramas/feuds/squabbles or drukken uncles.......except me of course.

 

[Pappers_]

Thank god, my family is pathetically normal where all that crap is concerned. No major dramas/feuds/squabbles or drukken uncles.......except me of course.

oh no, its Drunk Uncle Revvy!!!! But of course, you're also the most interesting uncle.

 

[Yooper]

Sort of reminds me of shop class in middle school when we did leather working - the possibilities are endless. I made a wallet, a belt, and a hatchet cover.

Well. Thanks for the lovely visual image. I will never think of David and the Philistines without picturing a belt of foreskins. Charming visual. Thanks!

We've never really had much drama, aside from the "uneatable" stuffing arguement every year.

I'm leaving here at 4 AM on Sunday morning, so I can try to drive 14 hours straight to spend time with my family. My mom and aunt are long gone, and I would love to have the stuffing argument again, if I had the opportunity to see them again.

My mom died when I was 14. She never lived to see us grow up, have our own children, and now her first great grandchild. That makes me very sad, as I am older now than she was when she died. She missed so much, and we did too.

I'll still be able to have a couple of beers with my dad and tell him to turn down Fox News. That'll be good for an argument or two, and should tide me over!

 

[SwampassJ]

Only have a small group of idiots to deal with, the other 30 people for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are normal.

Cousin #1 - Blew through 100K inheritance in 6 months with Oxy headed BF and has the mentality that the entire world is against them.

(different parents)
Cousin #2a - Took out 70K in student loans with my aunt as a cosigner, ran off to Europe 3 years ago and is coming back for Christmas.

Cousin #2b - Stole from Aunt, roommate and threatened to put baby up for adoption if they tried to prosecute her so they would never see the baby again.

Cousin #2c's husband - Bought an Xbox instead of paying rent. Knows not to go anywhere near me.

 

[TheWeeb]

my fav was a few years ago, at one sister's house in Des Moines. She had recently decided to play for the other team, and was in a same sex relationship with another lady who was meeting the family for the first time. There was already much tension in the air, as two other sisters are very strict born-again types, who of course believed this was all a choice and such a big sin and my lez sis was going to go to hell and burn forever. After all the niceties of catching up, the room fell silent, the tension in the air over the burning issue of morals in conflict could be felt. To break the silence, I said, "How about some music?" To which my brother in law said, "Yea, how about some Regay?" Lez sister lost it, room erupted in a shouting match over the sins of sexuality. Fun times!

 

[maxamuus]

I made a wallet, a belt

It's no ordinary wallet, if you stroke it it turns into a briefcase.

 

[kjung]

I was with my ex for 20 years. The very first time I met her parents was for the family gathering, on Christmas Eve, which my future/ex m-i-l insisted be held at their house every year.
On the way to their house, driving from the northside of Chicago to NW Indiana (to what I soon began calling the "Dutch Bible Belt"), my future/ex wife decides to warn me about her parents, telling me that they are "very Christian."
Before dinner was served, I had to endure an interrogation from her parents as to A) my up-bringing, B) my familial heritage (they were disappointed not only that I wasn't Dutch, but mostly Irish), and most importantly, C) my religious beliefs.
As soon as that was over, I walked out of the room a bit shell-shocked, and was handed a beer by my future b-i-l, the only "normal" one in the family. Before I drank that, though, I felt the NEED to step outside and enjoy some of...Columbia's finest horticulture.
Things progressed like that for the next few years, until the m-i-l decided that she didn't want the duty of fixing dinner for everyone (which was a relief, as she was a HORRIBLE cook!!!), but still refused to allow anyone else to have Christmas Eve at their house. Her solution was that we would all go to Shakey's for the dinner buffet, (everyone paying for themselves, of course) and then go back to their house.
At that point I put my foot down and said that we would be going to dinner by ourselves (we had two infants at that time, and I was going to be damned if I was going to take them someplace that they couldn't eat at, and would be a huge hassle for US to eat at), and we'd meet them at the house after dinner.
This caused a huge fight, with all of the born family members pi$$ed off at me, and it was finally decided that we would have the fried chicken, etc. catered in from a local grocery store.
Ironically, after dinner, while the f-i-l and m-i-l were still mad at me, EVERYONE else agreed that this was a much better idea than Shakey's, and the two married-in b-i-l's told me secretly that THEY didn't want to do Shakey's either, but didn't want to say anything!
Nonsense like that went on for 20 years, with me "self-medicating" every year. (Even the psychologist that the ex and I saw for our failed attempt at marriage conselling understood WHY I did that!) The last 6, since the ex and I split up, have been the most peaceful of my life! Now my kids are looking to come here to escape that side of the family!

 

[dwarven_stout]

It's no ordinary wallet, if you stroke it it turns into a briefcase.

Hah.

 

[captianoats]

I found out yesterday evening that my mother in law is stupider than a 2 year old (as if I didn't know before)

SWMBO and I usually spend christmas eve with my dads family, which keeps us up late drinking wine and eating turkey, wake up christmas morning with my parents (because they have a spare bedroom in the same town) and head to her moms.

This year was different... Her dad and sister live 4 hours away and her sister is having a baby tomorrow, Dec. 26th. SWMBO wanted to be in town for the baby so we decided to head north for christmas. Her dad is married to a cougar 10 years younger with kids in high school and we're sleeping in their basement. Mother-in-tard is staying with her sister. Since mom doesn't work or do anything else worthwile for society, she is there indefinately. We meet my mother-in-tard for dinner last night, and my 2 year old niece was being the typical kid and chewing on her new plastic toy tool set. This set included fisher price screwdrivers, hammers, and plastic screws and nails to teach kids shapes.

My mother-in-tard spend the next 10 minutes trying to screw in the fisher price nail. Even the 2 year old figured you couldn't screw in a nail, tried to hit the nail with the hammer, and got in trouble for "hitting things" Later she started rambling about the civil war that happened in the 1920's and the things my SWMBO remembers from that (she was born in 1984!!!) She seriously has mental issues. Good thing we went back to her dads, who had a 12 pack for me and said "any good father in law would have alcohol waiting after dealing with that woman" At least half of SWMBOs family is fun to be around