Funny things you've overheard about beer

[day_trippr]

We haven't talked about water vapor lately...

I've been loving these and just wanted to thank those responsible.
Please keep them coming - they're the funniest things on HBT (and frankly the only thing keeping this thread from being intubated )

Cheers!

 

[Billy-Klubb]

the other day at work: "When are you going to have a party with all your home made beer?"

pssshhh! like I'm gonna share!

 

[dlaramie08]

On vacation in Florida and I saw a billboard for keystone light lime. It literally made me laugh while driving and swmbo was looking at me like I was nuts.

 

[brew_ny]

I've been loving these and just wanted to thank those responsible.
Please keep them coming - they're the funniest things on HBT (and frankly the only thing keeping this thread from being intubated )

Cheers!

 

[1fast636]

That my temp controller looks like I'm building a bomb said by swmbo

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[Genghis]

A Cold War era one, at least.

Is SWMBO a Rooskie spy, perchance?

 

[Genghis]

"When are you going to have a party with all your home made beer?"

"Damn right I'm gonna party with 'em. You ain't invited, tho..."

 

[drainbamage]

the other day at work: "When are you going to have a party with all your home made beer?"

pssshhh! like I'm gonna share!

Host party, guests try beer:

Dark beer??? I thought you made Bud Light!

 

[Renegades_Brew]

Host party, guests try beer:

Dark beer??? I thought you made Bud Light!

Response to that...

Boy... I'm gunna slap the **** outta you...

 

[Bosh]

OK, let's get back to Homebrewing Without Failure and try to avoid talking about the horrors of simmering.

We have a second pale ale recipe, which is a lot like the first except it's a bit darker due to the darker sugar that gets used.

Then we have the Brown Ales. The terror you have seen before is nothing next to the horror you are about to witness.

Let's go with the second recipe since they're pretty similar.

It calls for (for a 4 gallon recipe):
-2 lb roasted malt
-2 lb patent black malt (for a brown ale )
-4 lb. white sugar (because of course it has this)
-4 oz generic hops
-2 teaspoon salt (all of the other 4 gallon recipes call for 1 teaspoon, no idea why this one needs two but that's really the least of this recipe's problems).
-1/2 oz citric acid.
-Yeast and yeast nutrient

Same method as the last one. In attempting to calculate this recipe we have two problems. First, what the hell is "roasted malt"? That covers a massive spectrum of different malts. As a wild ass guess I'm going to count his roasted malt as UK amber malt. Then there's the issue of his utilization of the Cooking Technique That Shall Not Be Named, I was counting it as whirlpool before, but assuming he's stopping a bit short of the temperature needed to boil the wort I'll assume that it's like boiling but getting, say, 75% of normal hop utilization for the boil time (which is again, a pretty random-assed guess).

So with those caveats (and assuming Safale English yeast and Fuggles hops we get:

Original Gravity: 1.068 Final Gravity: 1.017 ABV: 6.71% IBU: 30.44 SRM: 50.00 Matches Style: what do you ****ing think?

So.... we have a Brown Ale with SRM 50. WHY THE **** WOULD YOU PUT TWO POUNDS OF PATENT BLACK MALT IN A 4 GALLON BATCH OF BROWN ALE? WHY? WHY? WHY?

So this book has two kinds of stupidity. Some seem like just bad ideas that you can believe people would actually do, stuff like adding talk as a yeast nutrient or putting in way too much sugar or mashing without any base malts or mashing for waaaaaaaaay longer than you need or skimming off the krausen etc. etc.

But then there's the other stuff. Like telling you to bottle when you hit 1.005 FG and then giving a recipe that will never ever ever hit that gravity bar an infection or giving a recipe for a midnight black brown ale. How do you brew a beer like that and recommend it to others as a brown ale recipe? How do you give people instructions that are literally impossible to follow? This is making my brain hurt!

Up next, four kinds of stout. Each more horrifying than the last!

 

[lowtones84]

Haha two pounds of black patent...holy s***. The other recipes were bad but...wow.

 

[1977Brewer]

I tried to take a pic of this, but I was driving. I saw a vanity plate today that said "MLR TME". I love stupid vanity plates, almost as much as I love Miller Lite. It was perfect.

 

[day_trippr]

Haha two pounds of black patent...holy s***. The other recipes were bad but...wow.

Seriously, everything that's been quoted from that book sounds so horribly off base that one wonders if it was a parody piece of some sort.

Somebody needs to track down the author - and if he's not dirt-napping invite him to HBT.

Cheers!

 

[Bosh]

Seriously, everything that's been quoted from that book sounds so horribly off base that one wonders if it was a parody piece of some sort.

Somebody needs to track down the author - and if he's not dirt-napping invite him to HBT.

Cheers!

Looking at his Amazon page he published a whole slew of wine and beer making books. This is the first one about beer (1965) but there's another one that includes beer recipes from the 70's and another from the 80's. Would be interesting to track them down and compare how homebrewing developed during the dark ages. As far as I can tell his last book was from 1983, so he's probably long long long dead. Really makes you appreciate Papazian considering how bad things were before.

Also think about how much things have changed in the last decade. For a LONG time the idea of "as soon as primary fermentation is done, get your beer the hell off the yeast cake ASAP and straight into a secondary" (the old 1/2/3 rule of thumb) prevailed and it sticks around in the horrible advice on beer kits where there's no secondary so it tells you to get your beer into bottles ASAP, which is just dumb and is still published on commercial products today.

Same with hop schedules. They've changed a LOT in just the last few years. The amount of hops people are putting in a 30 or 20 minutes has nosedived in the recipes I've seen and there's been a massive surge in late/whirlpool/dry hopping. And I don't think people have quite figured out the specific trade-offs between too much heat for too long boiling away a lot of the hoppy flavor goodness and too little heat for not enough time not extracting enough of the good stuff from the hops. Probably in ten years conventional wisdom about how to use hops will be a good bit different than today, especially as high AA hops that work well as late additions become more prevalent at reasonable prices so efficiency becomes less important.

Also except for the insane overuse of black patent malt (did that term used to mean something else?) I don't think the recipes are QUITE as bad as they seem. There are some recipes on this site for hop wine, which is basically hops + sugar + water + yeast in the fermenter. If that's drinkable then doing basically that with few pounds of malt for a bit of beer flavor despite the fermentables being mostly sugar should be eatable. At least he uses plenty of hops, so it'll have some flavor. I'd take his crappy homebrews over a lot of commercial beers sold today.

 

[day_trippr]

Did you actually look at that last recipe?!?

There's nothing wrt "progress" that could 'splain that horror show...

Cheers!

 

[Bosh]

Did you actually look at that last recipe?!?

There's nothing wrt "progress" that could 'splain that horror show...

Cheers!

Oh yes, that's easily the worst recipe in the entire book.

 

[Cheesy_Goodness]

It sure is a good thing base malts were invented in the last 10 years so we don't have to use sugar as fermentables like the Indians did in their beer

 

[unionrdr]

The indians malted corn wetted between layers of grass & covered till they sprouted. Then proceeded as usual. It's called tiswin-pronounced tizween. There's a thread on here about it somewhere.

 

[TKH]

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[GuldTuborg]

I can't decide whether it's worse that they consider GCA a "dark beer" or that they can't spell "comparable."

 

[SnakeRidge]

What is a '10% Surcharge'?

 

[Psylocide]

the other day at work: "When are you going to have a party with all your home made beer?"

pssshhh! like I'm gonna share!

Actually you should share... come back to your roots. With free beer. And on the other side of the river.

**** it, just bring some beer over. You know Morrell's smells less bad than PM.

 

[WilliamSlayer]

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Wow. Just... Wow.

 

[WilliamSlayer]

See, this is why homebrewtalk posters need to be owners of liquor stores. I would separate all of my display cases into style categories as opposed to by commercial brand name! Wouldn't that be so much simpler?? It seems so to me.

As to funny things I heard about beer this week, a coworker is celebrating his birthday and was super excited to go to a local watering hole to get 2 for 1 draft beer. he did not tell me that the only draft beers this place had were Budweiser light and Miller Lite! Oh, the horror!

 

[Psylocide]

See, this is why homebrewtalk posters need to be owners of liquor stores. I would separate all of my display cases into style categories as opposed to by commercial brand name! Wouldn't that be so much simpler?? It seems so to me.

That's actually what my bottle shop does... really nice.

 

[1977Brewer]

See, this is why homebrewtalk posters need to be owners of liquor stores. I would separate all of my display cases into style categories as opposed to by commercial brand name! Wouldn't that be so much simpler?? It seems so to me.

As to funny things I heard about beer this week, a coworker is celebrating his birthday and was super excited to go to a local watering hole to get 2 for 1 draft beer. he did not tell me that the only draft beers this place had were Budweiser light and Miller Lite! Oh, the horror!

Dude. Bud Light. It's Bud. Says so on the can.

Miller Lite is a Fine Pilsner Beer. I'd drink 2fers of it for days.

 

[TheCADJockey]

Dude. Bud Light. It's Bud. Says so on the can.

Miller Lite is a Fine Pilsner Beer. I'd drink 2fers of it for days.

Miller Lite is the nasty.

When I worked at the steakhouse, my buddy and I would get home and kill a Lunchbox.

Lunchbox = pounder of Miller high life + pounder of Sparks energy drink

 

[Psylocide]

Miller Lite is the nasty.

QFT

And I drink more Busch Light than anyone ever.

 

[hunter_le five]

When I worked at the steakhouse, my buddy and I would get home and kill a Lunchbox.

Lunchbox = pounder of Miller high life + pounder of Sparks energy drink

My brother and I went to a "gourmet" donut shop/bar in Austin last weekend for lunch. Instead of regular flavored donuts, they sell all kinds of crazy ass frou-frou varieties, plus donut sandwiches, donut burgers, salads with bits of donut in them, donut chicken-and-dumplings, etc.

I saw a sign advertising the day's special: "The Happy Meal - $6"

"What is that?" I ask the barstress.

"A shot of whiskey and a beer."

I got a Happy Meal for lunch. He got diabeetus.

Edit: It was macrolager and well whiskey. I regret nothing.

 

[TheCADJockey]

I saw a sign advertising the day's special: "The Happy Meal - $6"

"What is that?" I ask the barstress.

"A shot of whiskey and a beer."

I need a happy meal. Right now.