Drunken ramblngs

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Cape Brewing said:
You know... I like to think of the Universe as a entire being... a singular body if you will... so.. . if the Universe is a singular body, there must be a massive, huge, ridiculously enourmous ass.
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'The World According to Cape Brewing'... Deep, deep philosophical thoughts for the feeble minded.

On sale thru Homebrewtalk.com. Only $0.99!!!!!


For a limited time only, when you buy 'The World According to Cape Brewing' we'll include his other book 'The Complete Idiots Guide to Building a Brew Sculpture.'


Read some of the reviews for TWATCB" and TCIGTBABS:


"I laughed, I cried, I threw up a little in my mouth." NY Times

"I ran right out and dropped $4 grand so I could have a brew sculpture just like Cape Brewings. Mine doesn't work either!" Bob Villa

"After reading Cape Brewing's book I sold all my belongings and set off in search of the Universe's massive, huge, ridiculously enourmous ass. What a journey of self flagellation and discovery!" The Christian Science Monitor.

"Your thumb is up the Universe's massive, huge ridiculously enourmous ass, that's why your brew sculpture doesn't work. But I can tell you how to fix it." Dr Phil

"Relax, don't worry, go buy a rack of Bud, cause that dog ain't ever gonna hunt." Charlie Papazian

"How great is this? A print version of "Junk Yard Wars" Meets "Myth Busters!" And I've got an autographed copy!!!" Paulthenurse


PTN
 
BTW Brian,

Tex and I worked out a deal where we split a 12% commision on any sales of your books thru HBT. That's CAPITALISM, Baby!

Just think, at the 15 cents you are going to net on each book sold you only have to sell 26,666 copies to pay for your failed brew sculpture. Tex probably gets 26K n00bs signing up here every year or so. It'll be a cinch!

PTN
 
MAN, you are on a roll!

We've had a lot of fun on this thread. My guess is we've probably offended a couple of people (and for that I do feel bad) and we've probably made a couple of people chuckle but i want to say one quick thing before we get back into ripping each other apart.

I honestly think it's great that someone of your age is able to embrace technology the way you have. normally, people as old as you can't find their way to the on/off switch, never mind the interwebs. You've broken that stereotype in my mind and for that i applaud you.

The next time I see a little old man on one of those scooters in the grocery store, I won't get so bummed out thinking, "God, I don't want to see those days for myself for a LONG LONG time", I can think of you and how well you seem to do for your age.... brewing beer, taking smack on message boards....

It's inspirational to be honest.

As a matter of fact... PTN...

I applaud you!! (standing and clapping)

Keep up the good work!!! You're an inspiration to us all!!

(still clapping) c'mon folks! let's hear it for Paul!
 
Why thank you, son. That's awfully nice of you to say.

Yup, I remember back during the Blizzard of 78 when we were stuck in the Garden watching the Beanpot, we didn't have technology then. No Freakin Weatherchannel. We sucked it up and walked home afterwards.

Yup, we didn't have fancy pants Baltic Porters then. No siree, we drank Bud and were damned glad to get it.

Yup, no Single Malt Scotch either. Bahhhhh. Our scotch came with a clipper ship on the front of it and then only if you worked a bunch of overtime hours. (Who am I kidding, We couldn't afford shoes back then, who could afford fancy booze imported from Scotland.)

Yup, the world has changed a lot since I first noticed grey hairs south of the border. And you are right, I've embraced it all. I am a technoweinie. Hell, in so MANY way's I have Metrosexual tendencies. (Ok if there isn't a red, white and blue diagonally rotating pole out front I'm not getting my hair cut there, even if the barber will stuff her boob in my ear as she does the deed.)

Yup, not that many years ago my daughters were pulling my old Grateful Dead albums out of their jackets. Sheila turned to Beth and said, "Look at the size of these CD's, these things are enourmous!"

Yup, it's true, for the most part I'm only good for once a night these days. I'd rather get the extra hour of sleep.


So let me give you the benefit of my life experience. Let me offer you a few words of hard won experience and wisdom...




Toss that piece of sheet brew rig out in the trash. Sanitary landfill, brother! Take that nuclear flux capacitor and the dilithium crystal hop back off and dispose of them properly and just scrap the rest of that sheet. You ain't ever going to make a beer half as good as Babalu's Baltic Porter, never mind one of my beers.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pee. Again.

PTN
 
... and my lengthy rig build is nothing but a ploy Paul. See, I figured I would get all buddy buddy with you on this thread as we make fun and rip each other up... "Ohhh happy times.. ha ha ha... you're so funny" and then... before too long... You'll just be dead anyway... and then I can just take your rig.

I figuring it's any day now given how old you are.

SONOFA!!!!! I just had a horrible thought!!!! SONOFA!!! Oh man... this sucks... I just realized I've never seen your rig and given the whole four foot nuthin' you are... the thing is probably made for an Oopa Loompa!!

Oh... never mind... I can just put it all on a big-boy table and I should be fine.

Phew... that was a close call.

PS. You have a wee-little mash paddle don't you?
 
Brian, Brian, Brian.



Brian, Brian, Brian.



Listen, there really is no easy way to say this so I'm just going to have to come out with it. I've aggonized over this for a long, long time. Every time I thought the time was right, well, something would come up to show me that I should wait. You should probably sit down.

Let me tell you a story. A long time ago I was living in a Yurt in the Gobi Desert, selling tye dyed tee shirts, Pall Malls and cheap beer to the local nomads. One day a girl showed up riding a camel. Wow, she was something. She was hot. I mean she was HAWT! HAWT HAWT HAWT!!!

And a total freak! I mean she just couldn't get enough. She wouldn't leave me alone. "Baby, I'm not from Havana!" I'd work hard all day selling my stuff to the nomads then be up all night laying pipe. She damn near drained me dry.

Then one day she came to me and told me that she was late. The next day she was gone. Just disappeard and went home to the USA. I used to get postcards from her over the years, and every once in a while she would send me pictures. Once I got a report card in the mail. It was tough, knowing that I couldn't be involved in that part of her life but our stars were on different paths.

Do you remember the red firetruck you got for Christmas when you were 3?

Yes Brian, I am your father.

And there is something else. You are right, I am old and infirm and it seems I will be dead soon. I have Osteosarcoma and a rip roaring urinary tract infection. My girls have no intrest in brewing and soon enough my brew rig will be yours. Use it well. With my brew rig and your genetic imprint you can start a commercial brewery that will allow you to conquer the civilized world.

Ok, this is too painful for me right now, I have to leave it for a while. I'll write more later. Just remember, Brian. Daddy loves you.

PTN
 
CB, You are my long lost brother! I knew that I had a brother like you!! I can't believe I have found you through our common illegitimate dad!! I am so glad that I have someone to compare myself too and shine! Someone who is a total screwup. Someone who can't finish a simple brew sculpture in under 6 months. Someone who idolizes beers from another person and knows they can't brew their own! Someone who has a dog that PTN (our father) can make fun of besides poor McKenzie. Someone who can help take the wrath of the old fragile brutal man that raised me and beat me regular to remember the Our Father (the word Our is how I knew there was another!)

Our Father
Who art in Beer Heaven
Hallowed be thy stein
Thy keg do come,
Thy beer be done
on draft as in bottle.
Give us this day our daily beer,
and forgive us our budweisers,
as we forgive those who drink piss against us;
and lead us not to drink miller lite,
but deliver us from coors. Amen.
 
paulthenurse said:
Listen, there really is no easy way to say this so I'm just going to have to come out with it. I've aggonized over this for a long, long time. Every time I thought the time was right, well, something would come up to show me that I should wait. You should probably sit down.

Let me tell you a story. A long time ago I was living in a Yurt in the Gobi Desert, selling tye dyed tee shirts, Pall Malls and cheap beer to the local nomads. One day a girl showed up riding a camel. Wow, she was something. She was hot. I mean she was HAWT! HAWT HAWT HAWT!!!

And a total freak! I mean she just couldn't get enough. She wouldn't leave me alone. "Baby, I'm not from Havana!" I'd work hard all day selling my stuff to the nomads then be up all night laying pipe. She damn near drained me dry.

Then one day she came to me and told me that she was late. The next day she was gone. Just disappeard and went home to the USA. I used to get postcards from her over the years, and every once in a while she would send me pictures. Once I got a report card in the mail. It was tough, knowing that I couldn't be involved in that part of her life but our stars were on different paths.

Do you remember the red firetruck you got for Christmas when you were 3?

Yes Brian, I am your father.

And there is something else. You are right, I am old and infirm and it seems I will be dead soon. I have Osteosarcoma and a rip roaring urinary tract infection. My girls have no intrest in brewing and soon enough my brew rig will be yours. Use it well. With my brew rig and your genetic imprint you can start a commercial brewery that will allow you to conquer the civilized world.

Ok, this is too painful for me right now, I have to leave it for a while. I'll write more later. Just remember, Brian. Daddy loves you.

PTN
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This is, by far, the funniest **** I've ever read on this forum. The best thing about this thread is that I can imagine you both sitting in front the computer with the biggest **** eating grins on your faces narrating everything you type.
 
yeager1977 said:
CB, You are my long lost brother! I knew that I had a brother like you!! I can't believe I have found you through our common illegitimate dad!! I am so glad that I have someone to compare myself too and shine! Someone who is a total screwup. Someone who can't finish a simple brew sculpture in under 6 months. Someone who idolizes beers from another person and knows they can't brew their own! Someone who has a dog that PTN (our father) can make fun of besides poor McKenzie. Someone who can help take the wrath of the old fragile brutal man that raised me and beat me regular to remember the Our Father (the word Our is how I knew there was another!)

.
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"Now I know why tigers eat their young."

Chris,
If you and Brian are half-brothers I assure you the connection is on your mother's side.

PTN
 
Cape Brewing said:
PS. You have a wee-little mash paddle don't you?
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I remember the last time your mother screamed out those exact words. We were playing 'The Bavarian BrewMeister and The Naughty Milk-Maid." I was dressed up in a pair of yak-skin lederhosen that she sewed up especially for me. They were wicked cool, held together with velcro so she could rip them off with her teeth. She used to LOVE doing that! It made her wild. Anyways, she was dressed in her specialy modified dirndyl and she was really getting into her role. I remember how she kept shouting out, "I've been a bad, bad little girl, spank me with your mash paddle. Oh ya baby, that's right, spank me with your wee little mash paddle. Harder, harder. I've been wicked!"

I always knew that that was a memory that would bring a smile to my face when I was sitting in a nursing home wearing a diaper. It's perhaps a little awkward for you to think about Mom bumpin' ugly but did you think you were conceived in a manger? Uhhh, actually, now that I think about it, you were conceived in a manger. God damn, she was a freak!

Ok I've got to go, it's just too painful to stir up these memories.

Hey, do me a favor, would you? Just try to casually work my name and phone number into your next conversation with your mother, OK? I mean, don't be obvious or anything. And if she starts sniffing around to find out if I spilled the beans about you being the fruit of my loins just act dumb, OK?

And always remember, Brian, your Daddy loves you.

PTN
 
... and it's impossible that you ever shacked up with my mother...

1) she's not 108
2) she was never a member of the Lulliby League OR the Lollipop Guild
 
Melana said:
You've been prosted Uncle Paul!
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Why must you encourage him??

Now he's going to be a proud little munchkin and keep posting this stuff.

Although I admit it... I kind of enjoy Paul's posts even though they're ripping me up. I always read them out loud but raise my voice a few octaves so I sound like one of the Wizard of Oz munchkins and they crack me up.

Try it... it's fun... Make a really high squeaky voice and say, "hey guys, I hate to be a cheap bastard but can everyone chip in a little for the beer?"
 
so Im brewing today, and well I dont have any beer ready of my own so I went and picked up a 18 pack at circle K. Cause you gotta have beer while you're making beer you know.

So its 8:45 in the morning and Im waiting in line with everyone and their coffee. I put the beer on the counter and the clerk said "Well....good morning to you." and gave me a look of disgust. I should of picked up a bottle of Thunderbird too while I was there.
 
You should have acted mildly offended... shook your head a little bit and said, "uh... it's not for ME... Jesus... what do you think I am? Some kind of drunk? No, no, I have four hookers back at my place. They're thirsty." chuckled a little bit and then said, "Hookers... they're funny. They always want beer"

... and walked out.
 
Chimone said:
so Im brewing today, and well I dont have any beer ready of my own so I went and picked up a 18 pack at circle K. Cause you gotta have beer while you're making beer you know.

So its 8:45 in the morning and Im waiting in line with everyone and their coffee. I put the beer on the counter and the clerk said "Well....good morning to you." and gave me a look of disgust. I should of picked up a bottle of Thunderbird too while I was there.
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Cape Brewing said:
You should have acted mildly offended... shook your head a little bit and said, "uh... it's not for ME... Jesus... what do you think I am? Some kind of drunk? No, no, I have four hookers back at my place. They're thirsty." chuckled a little bit and then said, "Hookers... they're funny. They always want beer"

... and walked out.
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You two should get along great, none of your own beer ready :mug:
 
Umm... excuse me... I have a doppel, a tripel that I'm drinking and a cider that's getting bottled this weekend.

... I also had a full ESB keg and a full hefe keg that were kicked at the holiday part YOU attended and kegs of Porter and stout that just kicked within the last two or three weeks...

SOO... You and PTN can cram it up your cram hole when you guys talk like I haven't made a beer in six years.
 
Cape Brewing said:
... I also had a full ESB keg and a full hefe keg that were kicked at the holiday part YOU attended
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Oh great

I have a brother like you

Helped me 6 years ago hanging a few pieces of sheet rock, then drinking my beers and all my Vodka yet I still have to hear about how he helped me hang sheet rock every time he needs help building an Ark
 
babalu87 said:
Oh great

I have a brother like you

Helped me 6 years ago hanging a few pieces of sheet rock, then drinking my beers and all my Vodka yet I still have to hear about how he helped me hang sheet rock every time he needs help building an Ark
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I can't wait for the Night of the Barrels so Frank and I can say, several times, in front of Maureen.... "Man, that sucks that whole trip down to Newport Storm two weeks got cancelled the night before we were supposed to go. Yeah it snowed but I would have still gone down. Although I got the chance to be home with my family that night... which was nice"
 
Cape Brewing said:
I can't wait for the Night of the Barrels so Frank and I can say, several times, in front of Maureen.... "Man, that sucks that whole trip down to Newport Storm two weeks got cancelled the night before we were supposed to go. Yeah it snowed but I would have still gone down. Although I got the chance to be home with my family that night... which was nice"
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Should I keep that skank you picked up in Rayham on the way to pick us up to myself or can I tell everyone about the train you and PTN were pulling with her in the backseat while Frank and I were waiting for our wort?
 
Cape Brewing said:
You should have acted mildly offended... shook your head a little bit and said, "uh... it's not for ME... Jesus... what do you think I am? Some kind of drunk? No, no, I have four hookers back at my place. They're thirsty." chuckled a little bit and then said, "Hookers... they're funny. They always want beer"

... and walked out.
Click to expand...


You could have said that it was for me.
 
babalu87 said:
Should I keep that skank you picked up in Rayham on the way to pick us up to myself or can I tell everyone about the train you and PTN were pulling with her in the backseat while Frank and I were waiting for our wort?
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Uh, excuse me. I was at work, sending long letters of explaination and appology to my son.


Your Daddy wuvs you, Cape Brewing. What a big boy! What a big, big boy! And you're toilet trained and everything!


PTN
 
babalu87 said:
Oh great

I have a brother like you

Helped me 6 years ago hanging a few pieces of sheet rock, then drinking my beers and all my Vodka yet I still have to hear about how he helped me hang sheet rock every time he needs help building an Ark
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Brian has a brother, too. Well, half-brother actually. And his name is Yeager. Here is a picture of Yeager from a Halloween night many years ago, dressed up like CapeBrewings Daddy.

PTN
 
CB,

I know this is hard for you, discovering at your age that everything you thought you knew is wrong. I am sure that your world has been tilted a bit out of plumb. But I just want you to know, when you get over the hurt and the pain, when you are ready to talk, I'll be there for you.

Here, sing with me...


Like a bridge over troubled waters, I will ease your mind,
Like a bridge over troubled waters, I will lay me down.

Can I get a hug?


PTN
 
Yakima 300

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