(crap) beer jokes!

[wildwest450]

Don't worry kiwi, not all of us from the states are stupid.
Your joke still sucked, btw.


_

 

[Cromwell]

Two yeast walk into a bar and order a beer.
One of them takes a sip and says to the other
"This tastes like piss!"

 

[joshstokes122]

Two yeast walk into a bar and order a beer.
One of them takes a sip and says to the other
"This tastes like piss!"

And the other yeast replies, "Well mine smells like someone passed gas!"

 

[joeybeer]

not sure if it was suggested that I used google to find the punchline to the pirate joke, but whatever....

My contribution is :

Two pieces of rope go into a bar and ask for the bartender for a drink.. the bartender says " we don't serve rope here " The first piece leaves, the second grabs a knife from the car, wraps himself into a ball and starts stabbing himself, then heads inside for a drink.
The bartender says " I told you we don't serve ropes here - aren't you a rope ?"

...................(go on and guess)

 

[g-love]

Two pieces of rope go into a bar and ask for the bartender for a drink.. the bartender says " we don't serve rope here " The first piece leaves, the second grabs a knife from the car, wraps himself into a ball and starts stabbing himself, then heads inside for a drink.
The bartender says " I told you we don't serve ropes here - aren't you a rope ?"

...................(go on and guess)

Frayed knot?

 

[joeybeer]

You got it !

 

[JonM]

A Priest, a Rabbi, a Norwegian and a dog walk into a bar. Bartender says, "what is this, some kind of a joke?"

 

[Azurecybe]

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears."

The bear replies, "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there."

The bartender says, "Go ahead."

So the bear eats the lady and demands a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''

"What do mean?" says the bear. "I'm not on drugs."

"Well," says the bartender, "What about that barbiturate?"

 

[nukinfuts29]

thats pretty bad

 

[Azurecybe]

Alright hoss. Bring a better one. Please.

 

[Jota21]

"Well," says the bartender, "What about that barbiturate?"

I've read almost all of these to SWMBO and this is the first that got a laugh!!

(well more of a snort and an eye-roll, but i say that counts)

 

[lschiavo]

The drunken blond homebrewer is reading the headlines:

"15 Brazilians die in a bloody riot in Sao Paulo"

She exclaims " OMG, THAT IS AWFUL! WHAT A TERRIBLE WASTE OF LIFE!! ....


How many are in a Brazilian anyways"?

 

[Homercidal]

Baby seal walks into a club....

 

[nukinfuts29]

Baby seal walks into a club....

booooooooooooo!!

 

[BeerEagle]

Blind guy walks in to a bar and says "does anyone want to hear a blonde joke?"

Girl beside him says "I weigh 200 pounds of pure muscle and I'm a professional cage-fighter and I'm blonde"

"My friend over here is a 300 pound professional female Sumo wrestler and she's blonde"

"Also, my other friend is a black-belt 15th dan karate instructor and she's blonde too"

"Do you still want to tell your joke?"

"No," says the blind guy, "Not if I'm going to have to repeat it three times."

 

[BeerEagle]

A Japanese, Chinese, North Vietnamese, Laotian, Korean, Cambodian, Burmese, Malaysian and an Indonesian walk in to a bar.

Bartender says "Sorry gentlemen, I can't serve you without a Thai"

 

[joshstokes122]

Two guys walk into a bar. Funny thing about is that you'd think the second guy would've noticed it after the first guy walked into it.

 

[nukinfuts29]

blind guy walks in to a bar and says "does anyone want to hear a blonde joke?"

girl beside him says "i weigh 200 pounds of pure muscle and i'm a professional cage-fighter and i'm blonde"

"my friend over here is a 300 pound professional female sumo wrestler and she's blonde"

"also, my other friend is a black-belt 15th dan karate instructor and she's blonde too"

"do you still want to tell your joke?"

"no," says the blind guy, "not if i'm going to have to repeat it three times."

hhahahhahahah

 

[HopHead209]

Having sex in a canoe is like cheap american lagers, its f***ing close to water.

 

[boo boo]

A Texan walks into a bar in Newfoundland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers. He says, "I hear you Newfoundlanders are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back."


The room falls silent and no one takes up the Texan's offer, but one man
(a small guy, of course!) leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later the same
gentleman who left, shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Newfoundlander.


The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Newfoundlander tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.


The other bar patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.


The Texan gives the Newfoundlander the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes?"


"Oh..." says the Newfoundlander, "I had to go to the bar down the street to see
if I could do it first."

 

[McGarnigle]

Young guy walks into a bar and orders 15 Imperial Stouts.
Bartender says, "wow, what's he occasion?"
"I'm celebrating my first ********."
Bartender says, "I tell you what, if you can knock back these 15 Imperial Stouts, I'll give you a 16th on the house."
The guy says, "no thanks, if the first 15 don't kill the taste, nothing will."

 

[martinworswick]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
... "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
The intoxicated man replied, "Over here, on the swing".

 

[nukinfuts29]

Young guy walks into a bar and orders 15 Imperial Stouts.
Bartender says, "wow, what's he occasion?"
"I'm celebrating my first ********."
Bartender says, "I tell you what, if you can knock back these 15 Imperial Stouts, I'll give you a 16th on the house."
The guy says, "no thanks, if the first 15 don't kill the taste, nothing will."

10/10

 

[JonM]

Mime walks into a bar and says

 

[nukinfuts29]

Took me a few minutes to get it. I read me me like from drew cary instead of mime. Not sure why haha

 

[Stevo2569]

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
**********************************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


***********************************************************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda.... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


*********************************************************************************************************


ANDTHEBESTFORLAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either!"

 

[carltjones]

Drinking a lite beer is like kissing your cousin. It's fun for a few minutes but it won't get the job done.