Confession: I'm a *******.
I hoped to have my keezer up and running for NYE, and spent time I didnt really have that day on getting it ready. All told it was a few hours since the collar was stained sealed and mostly assembled. The kegs were naturally carbed so I just needed the gas to serve. Put on the regulator, clamped my tubing, opened the manifold valves, hooked the gas up to the keg, turned on the gas, grabbed my glass, opened the faucet and...
nothing.
Pissed around with it for a while but had to give up to get dinner ready for guests. Assumed I had a leak somewhere. Whatever, future Cheesy can deal with that.
The next day, after all that, I figured out the problem. If you want to use CO2, it's awfully helpful to have the regulator shut off valve in the ****ing OPEN POSITION.
I could blame it on being a total noob but I should have known better