am i in the wrong or the right? family probs

[fredthecat]

 

[slym2none]

Sounds to me like the S-I-L has the problem.

 

[fredthecat]

Thanks, things to consider are
pro
1. cultural difference -family here are expected to be a lot more share-y with everything.
2. we did kinda say "yeah you can come over" or at least not saying no, until the last minute
neg
3. they really destroy our weekend to the max and dont even try to help clean up or anything.
4. theyve stayed over here about 12 times and weve stayed over there maybe 3 or 4 times.

my wife is in the middle because she thinks theyre kinda slobby but wants to talk to her sister, so im the one pretty much saying no alone. i feel like a jerk a bit, because i know the larger family consensus will be "why cant they stay at your house? youre family"

 

[fuzzy2133]

You are 200% right you are not a hotel. It is your house and your sanctuary. Sounds like they were not respecting you and you wife IMO.

 

[GaBrewZoo]

Family like that does not learn. They will keep taking advantage of you until you say no. Sometimes you have to put up with some stuff when dealing with family, but there is a point where you have to stop it. If not, you and the wife are going to have your own problems. But be patient with her, she IS in a tough spot. But you need to set some rules and make SIL realize that you are trying to be hospitable, but she is causing you are your wife to have issues, and if she does not work with you, she will not be welcome in your home.

 

[madscientist451]

My qualifications: Not Asian, Live in the USA, Married 22 years, now divorced, have learned a few things along the way.
There are a few things to consider with all of this. Getting along with the in-laws is a good thing, unless you intend on dumping your wife. But having a peaceful life at home where you and your wife can have a good relationship is important.
So why not talk this over with your wife and negotiate some boundaries.
Tell her that life is busy and stressful and you need the weekends to unwind and "re-connect" with her. So how about every 6-8 weeks you invite the inlaw couple down for the weekend. Schedule an activity like going out to dinner?
Explain to the inlaws that you need your private time and you'd be happy for them to come, but by invitation only. I don't know if that's going to work, but its worth a shot. You and the wife have to come to an agreement about how to deal with her sister and husband. Maybe you could go to their city every 6-8 weeks? Then you would see them every 3-4 weeks. If you can't stand being around them tell your wife that's how you feel. Keeping feelings bottled up will lead to resentment and ultimately and end to your marriage, or at least a crappy marriage. Remember you need to accept your wife's feelings about this and reach a compromise. Ok good luck and cheers!

 

[Homercidal]

I'm guessing most people in Asia treat each other a bit differently than people in the West. I think in the West we tend to have a "Home is my castle" idea, and in Asia there is a lot more sharing amongst family.

That said, the only good way around this is to have you wife talk to her sister about anything that doesn't work for you guys. I doubt not cleaning up after yourself is considered polite there.

 

[Genacide]

Turn the tables on them. Start staying at their place every weekend and trash the place.

 

[fuzzy2133]

Turn the tables on them. Start staying at their place every weekend and trash the place.

Some people do not clean up after them self even if it is their own place (ya disgusting). Good friend I grew up with was that way until he met his wife. I think that was one of his first bad habits she fixed when they were dating.

 

[mattdee1]

A friend of mine was having some issues at home with his wife, and he had a LOT of legit gripes, but the way he approached the problem--with passive aggressive nonsense--ruined his case, because he was being a tit.

You've got a pretty good case for asserting yourself. My only advice would be, keep your eye on the goal (i.e., reduced frequency of visits by inlaws), plan what you say, and keep your cool. The last thing you want to do is lose the high ground by blurting out a bunch of impulsive vitriol.

 

[Cyclman]

I know that culturally, there are different views to many situations. But if you are getting stressed out because of a situation a family member is causing, you have a right to set boundaries. Their genetic relationship should not override your right to happiness.

But be realistic, there are consequences to taking a stand- and those will additionally cause negative things. All in all, what is the best path- the one that balances the situation overall to maximize your happiness.

 

[passedpawn]

IMO, screw the customs and do what you like. I'm really really not into conforming to someone else's expectations of what I should be, regardless of their response.

Except for my wife. That one I take very... uh oh, gotta go, I think she's coming this way...

 

[guindilla]

Asian culture is not that much about sharing as about obligation - toward parents, other family members, etc. Latin culture is more about sharing.

It is a difficult problem, and one you will not solve unless your wife is on board. She is actually the one legitimate enough (at least in their eyes) to complain, and even in that case it will not pass well.

A potential solution would be to make your guests be more active: ask them to participate ("please clean the dishes while I clean your room", etc.). Be explicit, avoiding potential misunderstandings. Set clear rules and enforce them. It's a bit like educating animals, they might not "learn", but they will end up acquiring the habits, which is what you want - Pavlov anyone?

If they really do not learn, start making excuses. You have appointments, friends over, weekends away... Which makes it difficult (read "impossible") to have them over. They will slowly get the message. After all, the culture of hospitality only goes so far.

Oh... Eye for an eye is never good politics, specially with family in law.

Anyway... Whatever you do, you will get flak from the family, and that's why it is key to have your SO on your side, so brace yourselves. And, as another poster said, keep your objective in mind. It is not to be right, to receive a fair treatment or for the others to change and get more civilized. It is for you and your wife not to be invaded in your own house.

Good luck.

 

[JonM]

I gotta ask: if your sister in law is a pain in the ass and she's now refusing to impose on you and ruin your whole weekend, er ... I mean "visit," what's the problem?

If someone showed up at my place uninvited and stayed for a whole day (let alone a whole weekend) I'd put a stop to it immediately. If that person appeared uninvited the following weekend, her ass would be back in the car driving home, consequences be damned.

 

[Dixon9717]

Cultural difference or not you have the right to demand respect in your own house. I'm on a multicultural marriage and sometimes get overwhelmed with how big my wife's family is but at least they always show the upmost respect.

 

[joshesmusica]

I don't want to pretend to understand any type of Asian culture, but I'm assuming they're not so big into the "my rights" stance as most of the western world.

In Norway, it's quite the opposite. Nobody has any right to force you into any obligation, not family, not friends, nobody. The individual isn't necessarily celebrated, because it might infringe on another's rights to be able to do what they want. Birthdays are pathetic, and the birthday person might not even get everything that they would wish for, simply because it might not be something everyone would want. Even if that thing is a fairly reasonable wish. It's really quite strange. They're all about the greater good for all the members of society as a whole, and so they're willing to sacrifice a little extra in taxes so that nobody wants for the essentials of life. Yet, they're not willing to sacrifice their free time if it's not something they're up for, not even if it's that person's birthday.

What I'm getting at, is even after living there for how many ever years you have, you grew up with a completely different (likely opposite at times) software than they have. The only real way to understand the situation fully is clear communication with your wife. If it's something that you guys are culturally obligated to suffer through, then I would say you just have to keep suffering through it, or else move to a culture that is more accepting of your "individual rights."

 

[QuadConPana]

What irritates me is that, for Americans, the whole culture thing always seems to be a one way street. We are expected to allow immigrants to create little sub-countries on our soil. But, when we're inside their borders, we have to drop all of our customs.

I think your beef is with your wife. She needs to respect you enough to stand up to her sister. If her culture places a responsibility to open her doors to her sister, so be it. But, she needs to tell her to respect your home when she is there. Be quiet. Be clean. Certainly, the culture should place some responsibility on her sister, as well, right?

 

[Punity]

Gotta say its going to take your wife throwing on a backbone and telling her sister whats what. You will never have the pull to say what really needs to be said to an unruly family member......found that one out the hard way......Its a terrible place to be as adults you should be able to talk out problems but if she isnt getting the hint then its time for sister talk to really drive home the point.

 

[kh54s10]

List the ground rules.

2 weeks notice before a visit. (you determine the duration)
They clean up after themselves.
If they start fighting you ask them to leave.
Anything else you require.

If they do not agree and boycott your place -- YOU WIN!! (IMO)

Regardless of culture they have no right to make your life miserable.

 

[JonM]

If they showed up with groceries, cooked, helped with the laundry and cleaning, mowed the lawn, cleaned the gutters, walked the dog and chipped away at my honey-do list, that might be okay. Once in a while. Many hands and light work and all.

If someone shows up and wants to be fed and entertained and cleaned up after for two days, regardless of my plans/obligations, AND cause more tension in the house with their relationship drama, they can go F themselves.

 

[fredthecat]

thanks for the replies, ill wrap up in case someone on the world wide internet ever cares about this advice.
1. they didnt contact us since, i dont care. i felt slightly torn because my SO does like to talk to her sister. good result though overall.
2. i forgot to mention that i dont have the ability to get across my message as clearly as i'd want to because while i can speak their language, im not good at it to bring across detailed intentions and reasoning.
3. like all people who go from happy to angry in 3 seconds, they will forget about this in time yet again and act like nothing even happened a few months later.