( advice ) wife doesn't like me home brewing

[Melana]

a lot of good advice in here. Going to try to keep this short.

Obviously the problem isn't brewing. It sounds like you're a younger guy in a new relationship. I'm not so old myself so i can relate to your social situation.

what i've come to understand is that the modern american woman is ridiculously insecure. They're raised to look for a knight in shining armor. In today's society that means someone who will cook,clean,work and give her the pants in the relationship. Basically, as a man, you're supposed to finish raising daddy's little girl for him. Since they don't know how to take care of themselves they act out and get insecure.

best way i've found to handle these is to not handle it. You want a husband or a dad? I'm no good? Find someone else. Nine times out of ten the neediness is to appease their lack of self esteem. If you start down that path and play the game she'll keep asking herself if you'll do another thing. Before you know she's cheating on you because you've let her push it that far. "if he can forgive me he really loves me." there's no end to that self serving, depressed state of mind.

Be the man in the relationship. Make the tough decisions. Even if it hurts.

wtf?

 

[twofocused]

Tell her its cheaper than cars, motorcycles, quads, or paintball.

At least thats what I told mine.

 

[brewmcq]

A lot of good advice in here. Going to try to keep this short.

Obviously the problem isn't brewing. It sounds like you're a younger guy in a new relationship. I'm not so old myself so I can relate to your social situation.

What I've come to understand is that the modern American woman is ridiculously insecure. They're raised to look for a knight in shining armor. In today's society that means someone who will cook,clean,work and give her the pants in the relationship. Basically, as a man, you're supposed to finish raising daddy's little girl for him. Since they don't know how to take care of themselves they act out and get insecure.

Best way I've found to handle these is to not handle it. You want a husband or a dad? I'm no good? Find someone else. Nine times out of ten the neediness is to appease their lack of self esteem. If you start down that path and play the game she'll keep asking herself if you'll do another thing. Before you know she's cheating on you because you've let her push it that far. "If he can forgive me he really loves me." There's no end to that self serving, depressed state of mind.

Be the man in the relationship. Make the tough decisions. Even if it hurts.

 

[LovesIPA]

wtf?

Totally true. Finding a woman without serious insecurities today is very difficult.

 

[brewmcq]

Totally true. Finding a woman without serious insecurities today is very difficult.

Finding a guy who isn't a misogynistic @sshole is also very difficult.

 

[Melana]

Totally true. Finding a woman without serious insecurities today is very difficult.

I agree with that sentiment. We do exist however. The main objection that I had was the generalization was made that all women are unable to take care of themselves.

 

[NickTheGreat]

Just don't say that it's "cheaper than a sportscar" or "cheaper than the bar." Because then you won't be allowed to do those things.

 

[Melana]

I guess I should feel lucky that my husband puts up with all my hobbies and allows me to make my own decisions about things I would like to do.
Oh, wait... did I mention I brew him beer?

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Your wife is well into the process of turning into her mother. The MIL won't ever be happy, even if all you do is sign over your paycheck, never make eye contact & always say "yes dear."

Have a quiet, sit down chat with your wife & explain that homebrewing is something you enjoy, just like whatever hobby she enjoys. Explain that you don't like it when she berates your hobby or you; just like she wouldn't like it if you did that to her.

If that doesn't work, maybe explain that the more she & her mother carry on about your homebrewing, the more time & money you'll be forced to spend on it as a way to escape from their harping on you.
Regards, GF.

 

[Rhumbline]

I guess I should feel lucky that my husband puts up with all my hobbies and allows me to make my own decisions about things I would like to do.
Oh, wait... did I mention I brew him beer?

I can just see this conversation.

Him: "Honey, I'm here to support and empower you. I don't want you to let anything get in the way of you brewing beer, follow your passion, chase your dreams..."

"Any chance you could learn how to make Dorito's?"

The man is a genius

 

[Kozzer]

I'm feeling pretty lucky reading this thread. My wife loves the smell when I brew (about the only smell I create she enjoys). She'll help me if I ask and she likes my brews better than any commercial or craft beer she's ever had (as do I). Her mom likes the stuff too, in fact I just gave my MIL a 12-pack to take home this past weekend.

I'd like to think that even if my wife didn't like beer or the smell, she'd still be OK with my homebrewing, since we want each other to be happy and support one another.

And you know what? Neither of us "wears the pants" - we actually treat each other as equals. Seems to work pretty well.

 

[Melana]

I'm feeling pretty lucky reading this thread. My wife loves the smell when I brew (about the only smell I create she enjoys). She'll help me if I ask and she likes my brews better than any commercial or craft beer she's ever had (as do I). Her mom likes the stuff too, in fact I just gave my MIL a 12-pack to take home this past weekend.

I'd like to think that even if my wife didn't like beer or the smell, she'd still be OK with my homebrewing, since we want each other to be happy and support one another.

And you know what? Neither of us "wears the pants" - we actually treat each other as equals. Seems to work pretty well.

OMG you both run around naked from the waist down? Must be a fun household!

 

[Kozzer]

OMG you both run around naked from the waist down? Must be a fun household!

Actually, sometimes, yeah! Probably not so much as winter approaches, though.

 

[Hello]

I agree with that sentiment. We do exist however. The main objection that I had was the generalization was made that all women are unable to take care of themselves.

That's where that guy lost me. We're not all incapable of taking care of ourselves and we're not all looking for someone to take care of us.


OP: Speaking only as a woman, if I felt as though I wasn't getting enough face time with my SO and he started a new hobby that took more time away from our time together, then I would likely feel some resentment. Likewise, I try to be cognizant of the time I spend on my hobbies. If my week rounds out to a point where there is only time to brew or time to spend with the better half then I will spend it with the better half, if he doesn't like brewing with me.

FWIW, I've been with guys who are insecure and have no hobbies. They bitched and moaned about my hobbies and it came down to time spent with them. So men can act and think similar to women. They tend not to admit it as freely.

Talk to your spouse, that will always result in a better outcome than asking online and hoping there is a cookie-cutter answer for everything. There is no shame in facing your problems and your balls will still be considered to be in tact, if that is a concern.

 

[oldstyle69]

fire her

 

[Melana]

That's where that guy lost me. We're not all incapable of taking care of ourselves and we're not all looking for someone to take care of us.


OP: Speaking only as a woman, if I felt as though I wasn't getting enough face time with my SO and he started a new hobby that took more time away from our time together, then I would likely feel some resentment. Likewise, I try to be cognizant of the time I spend on my hobbies. If my week rounds out to a point where there is only time to brew or time to spend with the better half then I will spend it with the better half, if he doesn't like brewing with me.

FWIW, I've been with guys who are insecure and have no hobbies. They bitched and moaned about my hobbies and it came down to time spent with them. So men can act and think similar to women. They tend not to admit it as freely.

Talk to your spouse, that will always result in a better outcome than asking online and hoping there is a cookie-cutter answer for everything. There is no shame in facing your problems and your balls will still be considered to be in tact, if that is a concern.

Nicely put!

 

[Homercidal]

People on this forum do not know you or your wife. We don't know about your finances. We don't know your personalities or how you relate to each other.

It would wise to disregard much of what's said in this thread. There are no perfect generalizations that can be made for any given relationship. Each of us are different.

What I do know is that my wife generally likes me to be happy, and I generally like her to be happy. She lets me pursue *some* of my hobbies, and I let her watch her crappy tv shows. She can let me maintain my hobbies only because I've been able to control the number of them the past several years. If I didn't, it would be chaos around here! We do have to follow some sort of budget.

 

[cervid]

I love these marriage advice threads. It gets iffy when when you ask for marriage advice on a beer forum.

Sounds like you got a couple of pains in the @#$% in your life. This is more than a beer issue. Good luck.

My wife doesn't care what I do and I don't care what she does, as long as she doesn't spend my money

Kidding... But seriously, buy her shoes when she gets mad about your hobbies costing so much. For me, a $100 pair of shoes equates to me spending maybe $500 on random crap before she's like, wtf?

 

[ifnotuthenwho]

I agree with the suggestion that you disregard most of the advice on this forum. No one knows your situation.

Have a conversation with your wife to find out what is bothering her about you're hobby. Assuming you have a good relationship with your wife, that should be an easy conversation to have. If not, you may have more issues than just brewing beer.

 

[brewmcq]

But why have a conversation with the significant other when generalized advice from anonymous strangers on the internet sounds so much better?

 

[Melana]

But why have a conversation with the significant other when generalized advice from anonymous strangers on the internet sounds so much better?

Exactly!

 

[doublehaul]

it is definitely not cheaper...

 

[LovesIPA]

Finding a guy who isn't a misogynistic @sshole is also very difficult.

That may very well be true. However, I don't know too much about the other side of the fence.

I agree with that sentiment. We do exist however. The main objection that I had was the generalization was made that all women are unable to take care of themselves.

I'm with a fantastic woman right now whose personality doesn't center on her insecurities and it's quite refreshing.

But why have a conversation with the significant other when generalized advice from anonymous strangers on the internet sounds so much better?

That's probably not quite fair. Sometimes perspectives of different people not involved in a relationship issue can be helpful. I don't think anyone should base how they approach a relationship entirely on the viewpoints of strangers, but there is surely a happy medium in between.

I think that asking a bunch of strangers for their opinions is useful as long as you can sift through the answers and discard the less helpful advice and take the more helpful insight and apply it.

 

[Rhumbline]

...

I think that asking a bunch of strangers for their opinions is useful as long as you can sift through the answers and discard the less helpful advice and take the more helpful insight and apply it.

The fundamental flaw in this is that is assumes the advisors are:

1. Being honest
2. Actually qualified to give advice

...and I'm the one who was called naive?

You don't know me, I'm not your friend, for all you know I'm a sociopath who derives pleasure from the suffering of others and would love to see you just totally screw up your relationship.

You want marital advice? Talk to a professional, be it a counselor, priest, what have you. Hell, as a last resort, talk to your wife.

 

[Yooper]

What I've come to understand is that the modern American woman is ridiculously insecure. They're raised to look for a knight in shining armor. In today's society that means someone who will cook,clean,work and give her the pants in the relationship. Basically, as a man, you're supposed to finish raising daddy's little girl for him. Since they don't know how to take care of themselves they act out and get insecure.

Yes, we American women are sooooooooooooo insecure.

We need someone to do it all for us while we wring our hands and the man can be our daddy and raise us.

I'm so glad that we women have been found out, so that our husbands/daddies can step up to the plate here.
_______________________________________________________

In other news, a great way to work out any disagreements is to talk to each other.

My ESP doesn't work and neither does my husbands- so we do something called "talking". He says things like, "Honey, I need some time to go off fishing with my buddies next Tuesday. What do you have planned?" And I say, "Well, nothing. Have fun! I think I'll brew that day, since no one will be underfoot". And he says, "Ok, that sounds great!"

I'm very happily married. So is he. No one tells the other what to do, or how to do it. However, we are attentive to each others wants vs needs. Our budget, our time, all of our resources actually, need to be taken into consideration. That doesn't make either one of us in charge- it makes us partners.

 

[brewmcq]

I'm so glad that we women have been found out, so that our husbands/daddies can step up to the plate here.

One word:

 

[Hello]

Hasqvarna?

 

[eastoak]

who wears the pants in the house H.I.?

 

[RonPopeil]

Yes, we American women are sooooooooooooo insecure.

We need someone to do it all for us while we wring our hands and the man can be our daddy and raise us.

I'm so glad that we women have been found out, so that our husbands/daddies can step up to the plate here.

i expected this sort of thing.

No offense to anyone here but I'm in the younger crowd. I date the younger crowd. This is what I've observed from personal experience and talking to female coworkers. YMMV etc etc.

 

[RoughandReadyRanch]

One word:

Been cutting wood for hours! GET OUT OF MY EFFING HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I come on here to see what's up and this is what I see, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH yeah OP, GROW A SET!!!!