A Guy Walks Into A Bar

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A beautiful blond walks into a bar. She is totally nude . After ordering a few drinks, the bartender says, "Not to be personal, but I can't help notice you're naked. You obviously aren't carrying any money. Just how do you intend to pay for this?"

The woman smiles and spreads her legs.

"Uuh..." says the bartender. "You got anything smaller?"
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are out hunting buffalo one day. They're not having much luck, and the lone rider's getting frustrated. Finally, he turns to Tonto and says "Hey, you're the Indian guide here. Where the hell are all the buffalo?"

Tonto jumps down off his horse, kneels, and puts his ear to the ground. A few seconds later, he jumps back on his horse, turns to the Lone Ranger and says "Buffalo Come."

"How do you know?" asks the Lone Ranger.

"Ear Sticky".
 
A young guy sits down next to an old man at the bar. The bartender says to the young guy, "What'll you have?". Young guy replies, "Give me a shot of 30-year old scotch".

The bartender figures he'll never know the difference between 5-year old scotch and 30-year old scotch, so he pours the cheap stuff. The customer takes a sip and spits it out. "Pffftttt! That's 5-year old scotch. I asked for 30-year old scotch!"

So the bartender pours a shot of 12-year old scotch. Again, one sip and the patron spits it out. "That's 12-year old scotch! I asked for 30-year old scotch."

The old man, who had been watching all of this slides a shot glass over to the young man. "Here, try this." The kid takes a sip and once again spits it out. "Ugh, that tastes like piss!"

"It is", says the man. "How old am I?"
 
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway;
The officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?"
The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."
The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"
So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."
The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"
The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said," Yes officer here it right here."
It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"
The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box."
He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says,








"Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
 
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?" (thanks to Quinton Parker)

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"

A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?" (thanks to Paolo Ruffini)

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts". (thanks to Colleen de Wit)

John Hurt walks into a bar, with that alien emerging from his chest. The bartender asks, "What's gotten into you?" (thanks to Patty Kennedy)

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!" (thanks to Tony Horvath)

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!" (thanks to Tony Horvath)

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!" (thanks to Tony Horvath)

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. (thanks to Aimee Charbeneau)

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?" (thanks to Keith Steeber)

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high." (thanks to Steve Mallett)
 
two eggs and a strip of bacon walk into a bar, the bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
 
An irishman goes into a pub, orders 3 pints and takes a drink from each one in succession. This continues until all 3 are gone and then the irishman leaves. This goes on every day for a month before the bartendar asks what's with the 3 beers? The irishman replies "1 beer is for me, the other 2 are for my 2 brothers. We always have a beer for each other every time we go to the bar". One day, the irishman comes in looking very upset and depressed and only orders 2 beers. The bartender pours his beers and tells the man he's sorry about losing one of his brothers. The irishman says "My brothers are fine, I just gave up drinking".
 
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender comes over and asks him what he would like to drink. The guy looks thoughtful for a moment, and finally says, "I'm feeling top shelf today. Give me a shot of that 30 year old scotch. In fact, give me 6 shots of it." The bartender shrugs, turns around to retrieve the bottle, turns back to the guy, and pours six shots of the Scotch, corks the bottle, and turns around to put the bottle away. When he turns back, all 6 shot glasses are empty.

Amazed (and slightly appalled), the bartender says to the guy, "Great Scott, I've never seen anybody drink anything that fast, nevermind something that expensive."

The guy replies, somewhat angrily, "Listen pal, if you had what I've got, you'd drink fast too!"

Now the bartender is feeling guilty, and figures the guy just found out he has cancer or some other terminal illness. "I'm so sorry, sir," he says. "If you don't mind my asking, what exactly do you have?"

"Thirty cents!"
 
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." Rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to him. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

Rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!!!"
 
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The priest is holding a duck.
The bartender says "What the hell is this, some kind of a joke?"


A construction crew is working outside a convent cursing and doing manly things. The mother superior has enough of it and walk up to the foreman. She says "Hey! I cant have your crew cursing like that. I have women trying to learn the ways of the lord."

The foreman says back "Maam, no disrespect, but my men are men of the world. They work hard and play hard. They call it like they see it. They call a spade a spade."

The mother superior replies "No they dont! They call it a F-U-C-K-I-N shovel!"


A set of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says "Ill serve you, but dont start anything..."
 
A woman brought a very limp duck to see a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, has passed away."


The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador Retriever.
The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,

meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and

produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.


"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged,

"I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20,
but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
 
Not a guy walks into a bar joke, but it's my favorite:

Three turtles go on a picnic. Being turtles and therefore very slow walkers, it takes them 10 days to get there.

When they unpack the picnic basket they realize that they've forgotten the bottle opener. The two bigger turtles tell the smaller one to go back for it, but he says, "No way! If I go, you guys will eat all of the sandwiches." They tell him they won't but he doesn't believe them. It takes a while, but with promises and oaths that they won't eat the sandwiches, they convince him to go back for the bottle opener.

10 days go by. Then another 10. The waiting turtles are starting to get really really hungry. Finally after waiting 30 days, they decide that promises or not, they can't wait any more.

As they start to unwrap the sandwiches, the little turtles comes out from behind a bush and says, "See! That's why I'm not going."
 
A seal walks into a bar.
Bartender says "What'll it be?"
Seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club."

(ba-dum!)
 
Was my turtle joke so good that this thread died from last October until today?

Ok, let's get this mutha going again.

Guy goes into a bar. After a couple of drinks, the bartender bets him $100 that he can show him a piano player that's a foot talk. The guy accepts the bet, the bartender takes him into a back room and there, sure enough is a man a foot tall plaiying a piano. The guy pays the bet, but says to the bartender, "I gotta know, where did you get the little piano player". The bartender says, "Well, there's this genie. He grants wishes. He's in the alley behind the bar if you want to go talk to him." Guy goes out the back. A few minutes later a duck walks into the bar, then another, then 2 more, then a dozen ducks, then 3 dozen. The guy comes back in and says to the bartender, "I think your genie is hard of hearing. I asked him for a million bucks, and look." The bartender says, "No ****. You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
 
A young polar bear asks his dad, am I a full blooded polar bear, I mean, do I have any brown bear or grizzly bear blood in me? His dad replies, you come from a long line of proud, full blooded polar bears. Why do you ask? The young bears replies, because i'm f'in cold.
 
A guy walks into a bar and orders a dozen whiskeys. He proceeds to down them one after the other. The barman asks "Are you celebrating some occasion?" the guy replies, "My first blowjob" the barman says, " gee well have another one on me", the guy replies " thanks but I don't think another will get rid of the taste either".
 
129082266408403559.jpg
 
A mean looking scrawny guy walks into a bar and sits down next to two muscular construction guys. One of the construction guys says "I can squeeze all of the juice out a lemon with one hand". The bartender gives him a lemon and the guy squeezes until there is nothing left.

The scrawny little guy says "I bet you $100 I can still get some juice out". Construction guys say "Go for it!".

Scrawny guy takes it, gives one mean look, and gives it one squeeze. Out come two last drops.

Everybody is impressed and ask what he did for a living. He says "I work for the IRS."
 
Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

There once was an X from place B,
Who satisfied predicate P,
The X did thing A,
In an adjective way,
Resulting in circumstance C
 
A guy walks into a bar for a drink and sits in the corner, the bartender pays him no attention. After a little while, the same man walks to the bar and asks the bartender if he's willing to take a bet.

The bartender says "That depends, what kind of bet are we talking here?"

The man lines up 3 empty beer mugs on the counter and says "I bet you $200 I can pee in all 3 of these mugs from 10 feet away without spilling a drop."

The bartender looks at the man in amazement and says "Well yeah I'll take that bet, nobody can do that."

So the man whips it out and starts pissing all over the bar, the floor and even the bartender. Not one drop even made it into a mug.

The bartender starts laughing hysterically and says "Sorry buddy but you owe me $200. What made you think you could pull that off?"

The man says "Oh I knew I couldn't do it. But I just bet a guy in the corner $500 I could piss all over you and your bar and you would'nt be mad, you would actually laugh about it."


What do you call a psychic midget who breaks out of jail?

A small medium at large.
 
a young indian boy goes to his father, the chief, with a forlorn, worried expression. "father", he says, "why is my sister called 'dove in the meadow'?" his father proudly replies, "when your mother gave birth to her, i closed my eyes and thanked the gods and the first thing is saw when i looked up was a single dove fluttering effortlessly in the field. so i named her 'dove in the meadow'". the boy looked at the ground uneasily. "father, why is my best friend called 'running bear'?" his father sighed and said "after his mother gave bith to him, his father closed his eyes to thank the gods and when he looked up, the first thing he saw was a young, mighty bear running through the woods". the boy, confused and upset, sat on a stump and buried his head in his hands. his father tilted his head to the side and said "Why do you ask me these things, Two Dogs ****ing?"
 
Two drunks come out of a bar and see a dog licking his balls. One drunk says to the other, "I wish I could do that." The other drunk says, "I think I would pet him first.".

Similar:

Two irishman leave the pub after a long session and come across a sheep, stuck in a fence, arse out. The first irishman sighs and says "Man, I wish that was a woman" to which the second irishman replies "Hell, I just wish it was dark".
 
A traveling ventriloquist comes across a farmhouse and thinks he'll have some fun.

Tells the farmer that he talks to animals. The farmer says, "My animals don't talk"

Well the ventriloquist says, "Let me talk to your cows." He does and the cows answer back.

The farmer is amazed. "Them cows never talked before!"

Next he talks to the horses & the horses answer back.

The farmer is flabbergasted, "Damn them horses don't ever talk!"

Next, the ventriloquist walks over to the sheep pen............... and the farmer intercepts him, "You know those sheep, they lie!"
 
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.


How long have you had that drinking problem Mr. Stiker?
 
A tenderfoot walks into a North Alaska bar and asks what's to do for fun in the Far North. A couple of locals tell him "There's lots to do if you're a member of the Klondike Club."

The tenderfoot perks up and says, "Sounds great. How do I join?"

One of the locals replies, "You have to pass the initiation. First, you have to down a bottle of Yukon Jack in one gulp. Then, you have to kill a Grizzly bear with just a Bowie knife. And third, you have to rape and Eskimo squaw. Then you're in."

The tenderfoot thinks it over for a couple of seconds, and agrees. The local hands him a knife and a bottle, which the tenderfoot proceeds to down in one slug, and stumble out of the bar, holding the knife in his left hand.

The bartender reprimands the local for sending a tenderfoot out in the snow drunk, and with a knife. "If he don't hurt someone with that knife, the cold will kill him for sure."

The local replies, "Don't worry. With a quart of Jack in him, he won't get further than the street before he passes out, and someone will pick him up and carry him back to the motel."

A short time later, the front door opens and in walks the tenderfoot. He is bleeding profusely, and his clothes are shredded. He stumbles up to the bar and with slurred speech asks, "OK, where's that squaw I gotta kill?"
 
A traveling ventriloquist comes across a farmhouse and thinks he'll have some fun.

Tells the farmer that he talks to animals. The farmer says, "My animals don't talk"

Well the ventriloquist says, "Let me talk to your cows." He does and the cows answer back.

The farmer is amazed. "Them cows never talked before!"

Next he talks to the horses & the horses answer back.

The farmer is flabbergasted, "Damn them horses don't ever talk!"

Next, the ventriloquist walks over to the sheep pen............... and the farmer intercepts him, "You know those sheep, they lie!"

A tenderfoot walks into a North Alaska bar and asks what's to do for fun in the Far North. A couple of locals tell him "There's lots to do if you're a member of the Klondike Club."

The tenderfoot perks up and says, "Sounds great. How do I join?"

One of the locals replies, "You have to pass the initiation. First, you have to down a bottle of Yukon Jack in one gulp. Then, you have to kill a Grizzly bear with just a Bowie knife. And third, you have to rape and Eskimo squaw. Then you're in."

The tenderfoot thinks it over for a couple of seconds, and agrees. The local hands him a knife and a bottle, which the tenderfoot proceeds to down in one slug, and stumble out of the bar, holding the knife in his left hand.

The bartender reprimands the local for sending a tenderfoot out in the snow drunk, and with a knife. "If he don't hurt someone with that knife, the cold will kill him for sure."

The local replies, "Don't worry. With a quart of Jack in him, he won't get further than the street before he passes out, and someone will pick him up and carry him back to the motel."

A short time later, the front door opens and in walks the tenderfoot. He is bleeding profusely, and his clothes are shredded. He stumbles up to the bar and with slurred speech asks, "OK, where's that squaw I gotta kill?"

LMAO!!!

These two are going to be repeated!
 
Pessimist and a dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
 
Whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the tub?
One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her........

Whats the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches watches, the other watches.........
 
Another pirate joke...

A pirate captain approaches a Spanish ship and yells to his first mate "Arrr, fetch me me red pants." The first mate does just this and the captain wears them throughout the battle.

Victorious, they sail on. The first mate yells "Ahoy Captain, two more Spanish war vessels"

Again, the captain yells "Arrr, fetch me me red pants."

Confused, the first mate asks "why do you wear your red pants?"

The Captain replies "arrr, if I bleed in battle I don't want me men to lose faith."

First mate fetches red pants, they win the battle and sail on.

The next day the first mate approaches the Captain "Sir, the entire Spanish armada is upon us from all sides"

"Arrrr, fetch me me brown pants."
 
Somewhere in mississippi ... A boy says to his dad "pa I think its about time i learn about the birds and the bees" the little boys father replies "son I would love to tell you about the birds and the bees but I think learning first hand is the best" so the father told the boy to go down to the whore house and ask the madam to teach him about the birds and the bees, but being very poor the little boy had no money and had to take a pet duck with him in hopes that it would suffice as payment.

When he got to the house the boy explained his situation to the madam, she agreed, took him upstairs and taught him about the birds and the bees. While the boy was putting his pants back on the madam said to him "Son that was the best i ever had, if you do that to me again I'll give you your duck back" Shocked the boy agreed and after another round was on his way home with duck still in hand.

On the way home the duck jumped out of his arms right into traffic and got hit by a truck. The truck driver stopped and feeling really bad that he just ran over the boys duck said "son I can't get your duck back for you but I can give you $20 so you can buy another one"

So the boy takes the money and goes back home. When he gets there he finds his dad, and his dad asks him how he did. The boy says, "Well dad, I got a **** for a duck, a duck for a **** and 20 bucks for a ****ed up duck!"
 
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