The 'Write Better Instructions' thread

You've whined and complained that the instructions in beer kits were written in cursive, by a left handed, one eyed monkey who obtained their brewing degree from Generic College.

Now's your chance to win big. 1000 points to the first person who can, in a single post, write a succinct set of instructions to brew an extract kit with steeping grains.

You don't know what equipment the consumer has.

Your 5 gallon Ale kit contains:

3.3 lbs Light LME
2 lbs Pilsen DME
1 lbs of Dextrose
1 .25 lbs bag of Crystal 40 crushed
1 muslin bag
2 packets of Willamette Hops (AA varies generally around 4.2 - 4.5)
1 dry yeast packet

Good Luck!

Make sugar water. Boil it. Cool it. Add yeast. Wait. Wait some more. Drink beer.

1. Get all your **** out of the closet/brewing area/shower


2. Unbox all that fun stuff from the kit


3. Use a cleaner (Straight-A, One-step, Oxi Free) to clean all that stuck on crap from your last brew day that you just put away dirty. Clean all of your hot-side items, brew kettle, spoons, fermenter, hydrometer and whatever may touch your wort post-boil.


4. Sanitize it all with Star-San or Idophor.


5. Get you some spring water or treat 6 gal water with a half a crushed campden tablet... just throw it right in there.


6. Place unopened can of LME in hot ass water.


7. If you are doing a partial boil, add 3.5 gal water to your boil kettle. If you're doing a full boil, put all the water in dere.


8. Crush your steeping grains (if uncrushed, a blender works great), place in muslin/nylon bag and toss in water. Bring heat up to 170° and remove the bag of grains.


9. Add 1 lb of DME to the water and bring to a boil.


10. Throw in your Willamette hops whenever the instructions say to (really, this part is a no brainer). Use your hop bag or not, doesn't matter. Using the bag usually = less trub.


11. Turn off the heat (this is flameout), add the rest of DME, LME and Dextrose stir it up real good and add cold top-off water to equal 5.5 gal.


12. Let it sit until it reaches pitching temp on packet - 62° is a safe bet, but it's good to read the instructions on the packet.


13. Re hydrate yeast according to instructions on packet.


14. Take a sample of the wort and take a hydrometer reading... ensure that the wort is completely mixed before taking sample OR since this is extract, go by the OG on the kit instructions and don't bother with the Hydro reading.


15. Transfer to fermenter and shake it like it owes you money, for about 5 mins.


16. Pitch rehydrated yeast.


17. Leave it alone. Don't ask questions about the air lock. Don't add more yeast. Don't shake it again. Take FG reading with hydrometer in 14 days, take another 2 days later. If it is the same, your beer is done.


18. Transfer to bottling bucket, add proper amount of priming sugar using this http://www.northernbrewer.com/priming-sugar-calculator/ to bucket, and transfer beer on top of the sugar, lightly stirring the wort with the siphon tube, but being careful not to splash/aerate.


19. Bottle from bucket. Using your brain to put the pieces together.... wand, tubing, gravity. Good deal.

Or, get youself a keg. That's like, way better.


Congrats, you just made beer.

thekraken forgot "add hops"...

"Throw away these instructions immediately. Go to the internet and google 'homebrewtalk.com' and read their wiki or forum."

Psylocide said:

1. Get all your **** out of the closet/brewing area/shower


2. Unbox all that fun stuff from the kit


3. Use a cleaner (Straight-A, One-step, Oxi Free) to clean all that stuck on crap from your last brew day that you just put away dirty. Clean all of your hot-side items, brew kettle, spoons, fermenter, hydrometer and whatever may touch your wort post-boil.


4. Sanitize it all with Star-San or Idophor.


5. Get you some spring water or treat 6 gal water with a half a crushed campden tablet... just throw it right in there.


6. Place unopened can of LME in hot ass water.


7. If you are doing a partial boil, add 3.5 gal water to your boil kettle. If you're doing a full boil, put all the water in dere.


8. Crush your steeping grains (if uncrushed, a blender works great), place in muslin/nylon bag and toss in water. Bring heat up to 170° and remove the bag of grains.


9. Add 1 lb of DME to the water and bring to a boil.


10. Throw in your Willamette hops whenever the instructions say to (really, this part is a no brainer). Use your hop bag or not, doesn't matter. Using the bag usually = less trub.


11. Turn off the heat (this is flameout), add the rest of DME, LME and Dextrose stir it up real good and add cold top-off water to equal 5.5 gal.


12. Let it sit until it reaches pitching temp on packet - 62° is a safe bet, but it's good to read the instructions on the packet.


13. Re hydrate yeast according to instructions on packet.


14. Take a sample of the wort and take a hydrometer reading... ensure that the wort is completely mixed before taking sample OR since this is extract, go by the OG on the kit instructions and don't bother with the Hydro reading.


15. Transfer to fermenter and shake it like it owes you money, for about 5 mins.


16. Pitch rehydrated yeast.


17. Leave it alone. Don't ask questions about the air lock. Don't add more yeast. Don't shake it again. Take FG reading with hydrometer in 14 days, take another 2 days later. If it is the same, your beer is done.


18. Transfer to bottling bucket, add proper amount of priming sugar using this http://www.northernbrewer.com/priming-sugar-calculator/


19. Bottle from bucket. Using your brain to put the pieces together.... wand, tubing, gravity. Good deal.

Or, get youself a keg. That's like, way better.


Congrats, you just made beer.

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20. Good job, you never sanitized your bottling equipment, your beer is now ruined.

ruger988 said:

20. Good job, you never sanitized your bottling equipment, your beer is now ruined.

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Bahaha.... that felt like a death message from Oregon trail.

Funny how you do it a bunch of times, then you try to be a smart ass when you explain it and fail.

Love it.

Psylocide said:

Bahaha.... that felt like a death message from Oregon trail.

Funny how you do it a bunch of times, then you try to be a smart ass when you explain it and fail.

Love it.

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You drank infrected beer. You caught dysentery and died.

What temperature is "hot ass?"

ColoHox said:

What temperature is "hot ass?"

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About 5° under hot as ****.

ColoHox said:

What temperature is "hot ass?"

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The average human runs about 98.7, most of the ones I've been in contact with are about that. Adjust for ambient temps as needed.

Malt said:

You've whined and complained that the instructions in beer kits were written in cursive, by a left handed, one eyed monkey who obtained their brewing degree from Generic College.

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I resent that.

1. Gather all of the equipment you're going to use for the brew day. (Pots, siphon, spoons, fermentor, etc.)

2. Sanitize it. All of it. This is important.

3. Collect water in your boiling vessel. No less than 2.5 gal, no more than 6 gal.

4. Put crushed grains in a muslin/nylon bag, and put in boiling vessel.

5. Begin heating water. Remove the grain when it gets to 170 F.

6. Once it reaches boiling add Malt Extract.

7. Boil for length of time stated in recipe, adding hops at times stated in recipe.

8. Cool by your preferred method (ice bath, wort chiller, just wait, etc.)

9. Transfer to fermentor and add water to reach final volume of ~5 gal.

10. Take a gravity reading (if you care).

11. Pitch yeast.

12. Wait. Probably between 1-3 weeks. Transferring to a sanitized secondary fermentor at some point if desired.

13. Take a final gravity reading (if you care) and calculate alcohol content.

13. Collect all your bottling equipment (bottles, bucket, filling wand, etc.)

14. Sanitize it. All of it. This is important.

15. Dissolve priming sugar in boiled water and add to bottling bucket.

16. Transfer beer to bottling (careful not to splash) and then fill and cap bottles from it.

17. Wait. Probably another 2-4 weeks.

18. Enjoy your probably decent beer.

19. Now go buy a book, harass your local home brew club, post questions on homebrewtalk, etc., and learn about all the details so you can make it better.

Not so much directions as what I did on my first batch:

0. Get drunk.
1. Throw everthing into a pot that is too small.
2. Heat to boil.
3. Boil over. Repeat.
4. Forget to add hops. Or add hops late. Or some other plan you won't remember because of step 0. (Note: the next day your will find hops all over the floor. Throw these out.)
5. Let sit out over night. Don't worry, it will still be quite warm the next day. Perfect temperature for microbial growth.
6. Hydrate yeast in 130F water to annihilate them. Toss dead yeast in wort.
7. Cover with plastic wrap, but not too tightly to allow fruit flies easy access.
8. Stick in bath tub of water for temp control. Optional: remove pot when taking a shower.
9. Constantly remove lid to see if it is fermenting yet.
10. When fermentation does not start after 3 days (see step 6), get a new packet of dry yeast and toss it it. Fermentation will now be vigorous.
11. Harvest yeast by skimming kreusen with spoon. Important: spoon must not be sanitized.
12. Leave on vacation for a week.
13. After a week, smell wort. If it smells like vinegar, congratulations, you're ready to throw out your first batch of beer! If vinegar smell not apparent yet, remove plastic wrap to introduce more fruit flies. Wait another week. Remember, throwing out beer takes patience.

markstache said:

Not so much directions as what I did on my first batch:



0. Get drunk.

1. Throw everthing into a pot that is too small.

2. Heat to boil.

3. Boil over. Repeat.

4. Forget to add hops. Or add hops late. Or some other plan you won't remember because of step 0. (Note: the next day your will find hops all over the floor. Throw these out.)

5. Let sit out over night. Don't worry, it will still be quite warm the next day. Perfect temperature for microbial growth.

6. Hydrate yeast in 130F water to annihilate them. Toss dead yeast in wort.

7. Cover with plastic wrap, but not too tightly to allow fruit flies easy access.

8. Stick in bath tub of water for temp control. Optional: remove pot when taking a shower.

9. Constantly remove lid to see if it is fermenting yet.

10. When fermentation does not start after 3 days (see step 6), get a new packet of dry yeast and toss it it. Fermentation will now be vigorous.

11. Harvest yeast by skimming kreusen with spoon. Important: spoon must not be sanitized.

12. Leave on vacation for a week.

13. After a week, smell wort. If it smells like vinegar, congratulations, you're ready to throw out your first batch of beer! If vinegar smell not apparent yet, remove plastic wrap to introduce more fruit flies. Wait another week. Remember, throwing out beer takes patience.

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I just laughed my ass off as this is my exact method of hb #1.

What is the 1,000 points worth in brewing supplies or brewing equipment?

Wow, that was the funniest thing I've read it quite a while - thanks!

bprichar said:

6. Once it reaches boiling add Malt Extract.

7. Boil for length of time stated in recipe

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No, see, this is the kind of bad information we're trying to correct by re-writing the instructions. Every kit out there already instructs you to boil all of the extract for the entire boil - that's the problem. People are caramelizing their extract and getting that "extract twang." Only add at most 1/2 the extract at the start of the boil (to facilitate hop utilization), and add the rest at the very end.

Step 1: Start here http://www.howtobrew.com/intro.html and read threw at least once.

Step 2: Any questions go https://www.homebrewtalk.com/f39/ and read threw first couple of pages, likely your question is already answered multiple times.

Step 2A: If question(s) were not answered then create new post and they probably will be in very short order

Step 3: Enjoy beer when ready.