The "Dear" , "Sincerely" thread

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Dear Lemon Enthusiasts,
When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Sincerely,
Cave Johnson
 
Dear house full of 20 uh... people... across the street,

I know you live in the only rental on the block, sweet deal for you I'm sure. It's too bad that no one will buy it because some crazy lady hung herself in the garage. Really not your fault though... actually, I blame it on your dirtbag landlord that doesn't care who he rents it to or how it affects the neighborhood, but I digress.

Anyway, just writing this note to ask you to please not swipe my new 20 gal kettle off my doorstep. I know it will be pretty enticing, because you could cook dinner for your entire extended family -- that happens to live with you -- in that thing, but please don't.

Sincerely,

UPS... you had one job to do. How can you be late on the day I have important brewing stuff coming to the house?
 
Dear Recipient,

jYoAsflvBCT4I.gif


Sincerely,
UPS
 
Zepth said:
Dear Lemon Enthusiasts,
When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Sincerely,
Cave Johnson
Click to expand...
Dear Cave Johnson,
Thank you for the only thing that's made me LOL today!
Sincerely,
Waiting for combustible lemons and exploding pineapples
 
Dear New Owners,
It's been two months since closing, leave me be in peace. I wish I kept it.
Sincerely,
Former owner about to be sued.
 
Dear former about to be,

I hate lawyers more than I hate goats.
Good luck with staying out of court.

Sincerely,
Chupacabra liker

edit: it's hard as hell to spell chupacabra on the frikin' phone
 
LAHammer said:
Dear former about to be,

I hate lawyers more than I hate goats.
Good luck with staying out of court.

Sincerely,
Chupacabra liker

edit: it's hard as hell to spell chupacabra on the frikin' phone
Click to expand...

Deer Chupacabra licker,
What do they taste like, chicken?
Sincerely,
Hard to read a frikin' phone while walking.
 
Dear Hard To Read,

Maybe you should lay off that Old Janx Spirit!

Sincerely, Ford Prefect
 
Dear self,

You need to quit these 14 hour, 500 mile days.

But at least your week will be over at 10:30am tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Too tired to sleep
 
Dear a$$holes who dump their coffee, chocolate milk or whatever else is in your cup right onto the ground in the parking lots: Stop it! You don't think somebody else is going to pull into that parking spot & try to get out of their car, only to step into the huge puddle of nasty, milky, sugary crap you just poured out? You think anybody wants that crap on their shoes?

And those who hack up nasty chunks of lung butter & snot and spit it on the sidewalks, or your gum; Nobody wants to look at that stuff, much less step in it. I'd really like to squirt super glue into your cars doorlocks, but odds are you're not intelligent enough to make the connection.
Sincerely, Disgusted in the parking lot.
 
DrunkleJon said:
Dear about to be sued,
New.. homeowners? Isnt there a condition that after closing it is accepted as is? Isnt that why lawyers are brought into it in the first place?
Sincerely
Confused.
Click to expand...

Dear Confused,
Apparently you can be sued after closing. I think these people are out to get me. The email that I was forwarded made me feel that I was the target of a psychotic witch hunt.
Sincerely,
About to pay a **** load of money on a very good lawyer.
 
Melana said:
Dear Confused,
Apparently you can be sued after closing. I think these people are out to get me. The email that I was forwarded made me feel that I was the target of a psychotic witch hunt.
Sincerely,
About to pay a **** load of money on a very good lawyer.
Click to expand...

Dear About to pay a **** load of money on a very good lawyer,
Just asked the all knowing Google. I take it non-disclosure of defects is the excuse they are using? From the look of the articles on this stuff people are way too litigous and the sites all say, you can sue the former owner, possibly the home inspector, might even be able to get money out of the real estate agent... I would suggest as a total non liar, I mean lawyer, that if you havent already, you get your real estate person in on the whole argument. Since there is the potential for them to be involved as well it would be in their best interest. I hope this all ends up being just a fishing expedition and they drop their argument.
Sincerely,
Best of luck
 
Dear Distracted Driver,

Thank you for rear-ending me while checking your phone for a message that said, "Just wanted to say Hi," or some such foolishness. No, really, thank you. The extra scratches on the bumper of my 10 year old truck are barely noticeable, and I just cashed the check for $900 that it would cost to get it fixed. Uh, my truck has 150k on it. I'm not replacing the bumper, but I appreciate some extra cash for other things.

Sincerely,

Put away your GD phone, but worked out okay this time.
 
Dear Disgusted in the Parking Lot:

Move where it rains more or get to work earlier. All things mentioned will hit the storm drains and feed sea life eventually. Remember to wipe your feet before you go indoors.

Sincerely,
Your Earth Mother
 
Dear vodka:
You *****. You're like an ugly woman with great makeup & hair in a dark bar. You look & taste so good with your brightly colored fruit juice & ice, you go down so smoothly, almost like candy. You make it so easy to drink you out of a 20 oz beer mug, that I down several, apparently way too fast; but I never notice until it's too late. You sneak up behind me & smack me in the head with your alcoholic baseball bat. Then I wake up the next morning, trying to figure out just where things came off the rails last night & why I wore my shoes to bed.
Sincerely, At least I don't have a hangover.
:drunk:
 
Dear Headache from Friday,
Thank you for sticking around until SUndat at 5PM. I really enjoyed you so much that I am glad you stuck around for the entire weekend. You are like the guest that didnt get the hint. Your invitation has been revoked. As well as your beer privledges.
Sincerely,
Its not a tumah
 
Dear hangover - you selfish prick - all you care about is your own pleasure! You use me like a damn porn flick. Have you ever thought about what I want - what I need - what I desire??

From now on store me in the freezer. Skip the ice, fruit juice, cat dookie and pickles. Pour me ice cold in a small glass about 2 ounces at a time. Sip me.

Oh - and don't get my cheap cousins ... they are indeed made up trollops in dark bars. At minimum buy the Finish or Russian popular upgrades.

Come on sweetie, we can make beautiful music together, but don't rush me. Let's try again.

Sincerely, Vodka
 
DrunkleJon said:
Dear About to pay a **** load of money on a very good lawyer,
Just asked the all knowing Google. I take it non-disclosure of defects is the excuse they are using? From the look of the articles on this stuff people are way too litigous and the sites all say, you can sue the former owner, possibly the home inspector, might even be able to get money out of the real estate agent... I would suggest as a total non liar, I mean lawyer, that if you havent already, you get your real estate person in on the whole argument. Since there is the potential for them to be involved as well it would be in their best interest. I hope this all ends up being just a fishing expedition and they drop their argument.
Sincerely,
Best of luck
Click to expand...

Dear Best of Luck,

I have now engaged my high end fancy litigator. May the Gods have mercy on their souls and my wallet. He always wins.

Sincerely,
No, I most certainly did not need anything else for my kitchen. :(
 
Aniseed said:
Dear At least I don't have a hangover,
Seeing as you find so many faults with me, I'd like to introduce you to my Mexican cousin, Tequila. I'm sure after a few nights with her, you'll come running back to me.
Sincerely,
Vodka
Click to expand...

Tequila es una puta y tiene gusanos. ;)
Regards, GF.
 
Dear Don't know why,

I don't know if it was intended, but I got a definite Homestar Runner vibe from that pic. I hope it was intentional.

Sincerely,
Trogdor the Burninator
 
Dear Trogdor the Burninator,

Reminds me of Master Shake, brewing during a bender!

Master_Shake.png


Sincecerly,
I watch waaaay too much Adult Swim!
 
drainbamage said:
Dear Don't know why,

I don't know if it was intended, but I got a definite Homestar Runner vibe from that pic. I hope it was intentional.

Sincerely,
Trogdor the Burninator
Click to expand...

Dear Trogdor,

It was not.

And I had to google that.

Sincerely,

Feeling older.
 
Dear Old Guys,

My internet usage in 2000 was an orgy of ICQ, Sub7 and Back Orifice.

And Unreal Tournament.

And Delta Force.

And Half Life.

I didn't start watching internet toons until Salad Fingers.

Sincerely,

Don't know what to put here.
 
Dear Super Ego,

Reward yourself for that awesome interview for the job in Yakama. There are two Tank 7s in the beer fridge and you can harvest their yeast tonight.

Sincerely,
The Id
 
Dear The Id,

Yakima? With an "i" in the middle? You'll need to know this. ...and send hops. Congratulations!

Sincerely,

IDK why I do it
 
Dear Black Island Brewer,

We should figure out how to make Old Janx Spirit!

Sincerely, Blasted off of my Pan-Galactic Gargler.
 

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