The "Dear" , "Sincerely" thread

[TheCADJockey]

The cheese wiz & bologna people won out on te lunch choice today.

 

[Beernik]

Dear HBT,

Found a Ruben on the menu. The sauerkraut wasn't sour.

How do you pickle cabbage without leaving the flavor of vinegar?

Sincerely,
Thanks for the sympathy.

 

[BrotherGrim]

Dear Six Fingered Man,

Hello, you killed my father. Prepare to die.

Sincerely,
Inigo Montoya

 

[drainbamage]

Dear Beernik,

Just make up series of suspiciously specific dietary restrictions. That way you will always get what you want.

I'm pretty sure it's exactly what two of my coworkers do. Apparently, they are allergic to everything. It's u̶n̶f̶o̶r̶t̶u̶n̶a̶t̶e̶ amazing that they haven't starved to death by now.

Sincerely,

Youdon'thaveallergiesyou'rejustafinickyeater

Dear Run-on sentence,

I'm trying really hard not to go on another rant against people with oddly-restrictive dietary rituals. Deep breaths...deep breaths.

Sincerely,
Proud omnivore

 

[Fedora]

Dear HBT,

Anybody wanna peanut?

Sincerely Andre the Giant RIP and one of the best movies of all time.

 

[hunter_le five]

Dear Run-on sentence,

I'm trying really hard not to go on another rant against people with oddly-restrictive dietary rituals. Deep breaths...deep breaths.

Sincerely,
Proud omnivore

Dear Omnivorous Rex,

Apparently I can't say the phrase "series of suspiciously specific" out loud without sounding like Sylvester the Cat.

I regret everything about that sentence.

Sincerely,

Unfortunate Alliteration

 

[Pyg]

Dear people with oddly-restrictive dietary issues,

I call BS on your assertions that you can not have any food associated with sugar or yeast (IE: my beer or wine, along with bread etc...). However you follow up that your delight for vinegar and fruit!
Also the fact that your kid is allergic to sugar, and the result is that the kid misbehaves is also BS.

Please understand this is a perfect example of "first world problems", understand that there are people who "actually" die from eating thing that they are allergic to, you just bloat.
So unless you die from eating it, you are not allergic

Sincerely,
the rest of us!

 

[Roscoebrewdog]

Dear you,
Don't piss me off
Sincerely,
That guy

 

[jsprinceiii]

Dear That Guy,
Your last music match missed the boat!!
Sincerely,
Me.

 

[Psylocide]

Dear Wife,

You're drunk. Go to bed.

Sincerely,

Bout to get super lifted

 

[Black Island Brewer]

Dear Employer,
You're a 50+ year old international company. Innovate or die, or get back to basics. Either way, I'd rather spend my time working and brewing than looking for work and brewing, so get your $hite together.
Sincerely,
One of your best, considering his next job

 

[GrainToGlass]

Dear checking account,

I increased my credit limit.

Sincerely,
Homebrew Priorities

 

[ubnserved]

Dear Realtor # 2:

I appreciate that you found a buyer for my home in weeks when the other agent did not find anyone in months. Why did you miss a critical detail that on the eve of closing is now costing me money that I should never have had to pay?

Sincerely,
About to go Postal.

Dear Screwed,
we had the same thing happen with our realtor only we found out at the closing table. When the problem came up that we were going to have to shell out $1500 more we said the deal is off. You should have seen how fast the 2 realtors and seller got together and covered the cost. We were back at the table within an hour. Of course it helps when you make an offer to refuse to put down any earnest money and really make the sellers work for the the price they get. We still undercut the price they were asking by 30k.
Sincerely,
Screw you if I am spending the money things are going to be my way.

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Dear universe:
What horrible, unseen force is it that causes people to pass up 57 empty parking spaces between my truck & the door of the store and park right next to my truck? There is a reason I park way out in BFE, I DON'T WANT TO PARK NEXT TO ANYBODY! And then some a$$hole decides to park right next to me when there is a multitude of empty spaces. Apparently just to piss me off.
Sincerely, someone who's tired of your $hit.

 

[TXCrash]

Dear universe:
What horrible, unseen force is it that causes people to pass up 57 empty parking spaces between my truck & the door of the store and park right next to my truck? There is a reason I park way out in BFE, I DON'T WANT TO PARK NEXT TO ANYBODY! And then some a$$hole decides to park right next to me when there is a multitude of empty spaces. Apparently just to piss me off.
Sincerely, someone who's tired of your $hit.

Dear ****,
If you weren't taking up 4 spots, you'd not attract attention.

Sincerely,
That *******

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Dear ****,
If you weren't taking up 4 spots, you'd not attract attention.

Sincerely,
That *******

Dear *******:
I only use 1 space when I park, AND I stay within the lines.
Sincerely, Me.

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear Me, or is it You?
Get some of those industrial adhesive backed stickers and print out messages on them. Stick to offenders winshields or drivers side windows. Drive off.
Sincerely,
Its better to just get even sometimes

 

[Pyg]

Dear Rat Race,

I have been enduring you for 13 years. I know we have 17 more years to go. I know the sun is coming out earlier, I know it is warming up and spring is on the way, but the last few morning commutes have just been depressing.

Sincerely,
The guy who is over the 9-5 work thing!

 

[Cheesy_Goodness]

Dear job,

I get it. I know this is the busy time of year. I know 15 hour days aren't uncommon. I know I get a paycheck and have no reason to complain, especially since the job is tolerable and even enjoyable most days.

But does the busy time have to be during the first week of the year when the weather outside is perfect and the pollen levels are tolerable? There's a very small window of time between the weather being miserably cold and rainy and sweltering hot and polleney.

Sincerely,
Want to enjoy the sunshine

 

[BrotherGrim]

Dear people who don't know what I do,
Please refrain from telling me how to do my job or what the issue is. If you know what is wrong, you fix it. If you don't know what the problem is and lack the ability to fix it, sit down and enjoy a nice cup of shut-the-****-up.

Sincerely,
The guy who has to undo your ****up

 

[Onkel_Udo]

Dear "Support" group,

I am the single point of contact for all issues on the software you support for about 45 people. We do this as I can solve half their issues without involving you. If I have passed the problem on to you, I have already tried everything on your checklist so please do not ask me to try "X".

We have have been dancing this little dance for 2.5 years. Please realize if my name is on it, it needs to be elevated.

Sincerely,
That guy who actually does know how your stupid program works but is not allowed in the back end because he is a contractor

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear people who fart and walk away.
Go flocc yourself!
Sincerely,
Dont want to have to smell that

 

[Black Island Brewer]

Dear don't want to have to smell that,
Neither do I, which is why I walk away. If I liked it, I'd just stand there and smile.
Sincerely,
Crop duster

 

[Pyg]

Dear Crop duster,
I have been on a lunch diet of bean & rice, and Buffalo Chicken Salads for a week.
I am sitting at my desk, simply destroying my chair! However I have a floor fan blowing just under my seat to send it to the office to share!

Sincerely,
Why waste your legs when you can use your brain!

:rockin:

 

[Black Island Brewer]

Dead brain waster,
I haven't had a job where I got to sit while I work for almost 10 years. Plus standing and walking burns more energy, and lets me drink more beer, which leads to more crop dusting, so it's a win-win-win!
Sincerely,
It's harder to fire a moving target

 

[Psylocide]

Dear Wife,

The fridge downstairs was never "yours." The freezer, ok... sure, that is "ours."

But beer is the only thing that has been in the fridge part ever since I traded our old broken down chest freezer for the upright fridge/freezer that WORKS.

So, it only stands to reason that I am free to drill as many holes into the fridge as I want, so long as the freezer still works.

Sincerely,

Man, that sounds awesome in my head.

 

[gingerdawg]

Dear universe:
What horrible, unseen force is it that causes people to pass up 57 empty parking spaces between my truck & the door of the store and park right next to my truck? There is a reason I park way out in BFE, I DON'T WANT TO PARK NEXT TO ANYBODY! And then some a$$hole decides to park right next to me when there is a multitude of empty spaces. Apparently just to piss me off.
Sincerely, someone who's tired of your $hit.

Dear tired of your ****,
It's not just parking lots,

Sincerely, Who does that?

 

[Zekk]

Dear Person who Stole My Trash Cans,

Why? Everyone else down the block has the same trash cans and you had to take all 3 of mine? (gray, blue and green)
Sincerely,
I want to move

 

[Beernik]

Dear tired of your ****,
It's not just parking lots,

Sincerely, Who does that?

Dear Who Does that,

Urinal Man knows.

Sincerely,
Urinal Man

 

[Beernik]

Dear Wife,

"We" do not need a break from social media. "You" need a break from social media. It might help if you turned the damn push notifications and alerts off. All the pings coming off your phone have been annoying me for years.

Sincerely,
I support you but I do not share your problem.

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Dear Who Does that,

Urinal Man knows.

Sincerely,
Urinal Man

Dear Urinal man:
I appreciate the cartoon, pretty much sums it up. I took the test too, but I'm left wondering what it means. I scored an A- is that good?
Sincerely, I still piss alone.

 

[Black Island Brewer]

Dear Piss Alone,
Like Joshua told us in War Game, the only winning move is to not play. Kudos to you.
Sincerely,
Only got a B+

 

[Pyg]

Dear Friday,

Thursday putt a whooping on me, the "one too many" last night at the pub did not help.
please hurry up and be over with so I can get on with a hectic weekend!

Sincerely, trying not to hurl on keyboard at work!

 

[Psylocide]

Dear 5:00 pm,

Seriously bro?

Sincerely,

It's too damn nice out for you to be taking your sweet ass time.

 

[Onkel_Udo]

Dear City of Lynwood, IL DOT,

F#%$%@ you. The intersection has a light 15' from the intersection that is yellow. There are TWO designated right turn lanes. The path is clear so I turned right.

Who thought putting a "No Turn on Red" sign 6.5' to the right of the curb was a good idea. Oh, wait, the revenue department of F@$#%%^$# you, that's who.

Sincerely,

That guy who has not had ANY kind of ticket in 23 years and resents your revenue scam cloaked as "safety"

 

[Black Island Brewer]

Dear Quicken,
You are a great program for managing my finances, and I appreciate that you let me budget and track my brewing expenditures. That said, when running the report on said brewing expenditures, I am very disappointed with you. You are a lying, stinking bastard and I refuse to believe that since September of 2011 I could have purchased a very, very nice used car with my brewing money, or taken an extended vacation to Chile's Isla Negra. And I'm glad that all my data prior to that time is archived and thus not included, as going back to 1996 I'm sure I would have to shoot you for being such a filthy liar.
Sincerely,
The beer fridge is always full, but i don't travel much

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Dear City of Lynwood, IL DOT,

F#%$%@ you. The intersection has a light 15' from the intersection that is yellow. There are TWO designated right turn lanes. The path is clear so I turned right.

Who thought putting a "No Turn on Red" sign 6.5' to the right of the curb was a good idea. Oh, wait, the revenue department of F@$#%%^$# you, that's who.

Sincerely,

That guy who has not had ANY kind of ticket in 23 years and resents your revenue scam cloaked as "safety"

Dear Guy:
I know the feeling. IL got me a couple of times a few years back. They'll try to make things difficult for you too, if you don't cough it up. Smaller towns are the worst.
Sincerely, been there.

 

[Newsman]

Dear drivers in the "fast" lane,
Please remember that state law says you are to move over for anyone who wants to go faster than you, no matter what speed you are going.

Sincerely,
Leadfoot

 

[jbob7171]

Dear Modern Journalists,
A compilation of other peoples tweets does not constitute an article or story.
Sincerely,
A Reader

 

[Psylocide]

Dear Modern Journalists,
A compilation of other peoples tweets does not constitute an article or story.
Sincerely,
A Reader

Dear Reader,

Take a look at these 10 mind-blowing tweets from 2015... #6 will shock you.

Sincerely,

Yes... it's really this easy to make clickbait these days.