Official Chuck Norris Facts Thread

[Ceedubya]

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

 

[arturo7]

God asked Chick Norris for permission before resting on the seventh day.

 

[mnadamn]

google "find chuck norris" and click I'm feeling lucky, that says it all

 

[user 22118]

^^^That is more than epic, very nice

 

[Ceedubya]

google "find chuck norris" and click I'm feeling lucky, that says it all

FTW!!!! :rockin::rockin:

 

[arturo7]

OT

try the feeling lucky search for "French military victories"

 

[Shaun_ATX]

If Chuck Norris was on the Titanic, he would have plugged that gash with a single cum shot!

 

[arturo7]

If Chuck Norris was on the Titanic, he would have plugged that gash with a single cum shot!

This assumes he was bangin' Rosie when the ship was gashed.

Otherwise, he would have karate chopped the fook out of that iceberg before it could do any damage.

 

[Shonuff]

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

 

[Shonuff]

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

[Evan!]

Chuck Norris is such a ********* fundamentalist Christian, he stumped for Mike Huckabee.

Chuck Norris is such a *****, when teh interwebz brought his washed-up name back from the sewers of Total Gym commercials and WTR reruns by making jokes about how awesome he is, he sued.

Chuck Norris is so kickass, he gave Haley Joel Osment AIDS:

[youtube]pdsTUcuD7YA[/youtube]

 

[bernerbrau]

Chuck Norris is such a ********* fundamentalist Christian, he stumped for Mike Huckabee.

Chuck Norris is such a *****, when teh interwebz brought his washed-up name back from the sewers of Total Gym commercials and WTR reruns by making jokes about how awesome he is, he sued.

Chuck Norris is so kickass, he gave Haley Joel Osment AIDS:

[youtube]pdsTUcuD7YA[/youtube]

It's funny because it's true. Glad to know I'm not the only guy who has hated the Chuck Norris meme from day one.

 

[BobOscarBob]

Chuck Norris can eat just one...

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun...

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork...

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone...

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door...

Chuck Norris can un-pop a baloon...

Chuck Norris can lick his elbows...

(and for the geek in me...)
Chuck Norris understood recursion before he understood recursion...

 

[Evan!]

It's funny because it's true. Glad to know I'm not the only guy who has hated the Chuck Norris meme from day one.

Glad to find a brother in the movement. Chuck Norris is a *****ewagon.

 

[Ceedubya]

Glad to find a brother in the movement. Chuck Norris is a *****ewagon.

Which is why making fun of him is so much fun

(but don't tell Chuck Norris I said that )

 

[Bopper]

For any CPA's out there...

Chuck Norris highlights in black

There is a sharp rise in Workers Comp claims whenever Chuck Norris is at the client
Chuck celebrates the end of each audit by burning the client's house down. Why? Cause its just what Chuck likes to do.
Chuck Norris audits in the dark
When a partner asked if the client had any other long-term liabilities...Norris simply held up his fists
If Chuck gets tired during the day he takes a nap....on the CEOs desk
Chuck Norris does not accrue for expenses...he accrues for pain
Chuck Norris' posting threshold for pain....unlimited.
Chuck Norris does not use a ruler when making "power tickmarks".... he naturally draws perfectly straight lines
Chuck Norris has a hard drive...but it doesn't refer to what's in his computer.
Chuck Norris has conducted three Weyerhaeuser site visits...strangely enough the towns of these sites no longer have any identifiable population or resources.
Chuck Norris takes a 15 minute coffee break every 5 minutes

How does Chuck Norris test fixed assets? Answer: with a bottle of super glue and an ambitious hand


How does Chuck Norris hole punch? Answer: with a shotgun and an extremely accurate aim
Chuck Norris not only assigns useful lives....he takes them away
Chuck Norris does not have to dial 9 first
Chuck Norris erases pencil marks with his beard...it erases pen too

If he finds an exception, Chuck Norris amortizes pain over the remaining useful life of the client
Chuck Norris has a full time plumber assigned to him for when he uses the restroom
Chuck Norris irons his shirts with a blowtorch and a rusty piece of sheet metalWhat's the risk of significant misstatement? Answer: A Chuck Norris roundhouse

 

[mrkristofo]

My favorite:

Chuck Norris created the Giraffe when he uppercutted a horse.

 

[Cav213]

Chuck Norris once got in touch with his feminine side and proceeded to get her pregnant.

Chuck Norris once ate a 72oz steak in 1 hour, he spent the other 45 minutes banging his waitress.

Chuck Norris's house has no doors, just walls he walks through.

 

[captianoats]

98% of all women are sexxed up by Chuck Norris. The other 2% are fat

 

[dataz722]

I tried to google "Chuck Norris" and my computer punched me in the face.

I like that one.

 

[Hugh_Jass]

e=ChuckNorris squared.

Chuck Norris is a verb.

velocity =(ChuckNorris)(ChuckNorris)

 

[BehindtheFinBrew]

Chuck Norris once had sex in the back of a Mack truck. Some semen accidentally got into the gas tank...that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris once encountered a grizzly bear in Montana. Chuck showed the bear his fist. The bear then proceeded to eat itself...the less painful choice.

Chuck Norris impregnated 13 women. These women eventually gave birth to 13 boys who grew up to be the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the NFL's only undefeated team.

 

[gartj]

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

 

[berwick12]

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

 

[Hambone]

Official Chuck Norris Facts Thread

Bruce Lee killed Chuck Norris in Return of the Dragon. Fact

 

[Kass_Brauhaus]

He only killed him. He did not defeat him.

 

[babalu87]

Chuck Norris can drink Apfelwine and not get druck

 

[arturo7]

Chuck Norris can drink Apfelwine and not get druck

That's taking it a bit too far, don't ya think?

 

[wildwest450]

This thread is so 2 years ago.

https://www.homebrewtalk.com/f19/official-chuck-norris-page-18178/

 

[travestyofnature]

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.


Cheeto is commonly mistaken Chuck Norris by the locals here. I need to think of a Chuck Norris Fact which includes Cheeto.

VVV - Cheeto (and his SWMBO) found in his gallery

 

[amercuric]

Chuck Norris never gets boilovers. The wort just gets Chuck Norris'd.

 

[Kronin]

Chuck Norris knows what Willis was talkin' about

I think it was Mr. D that was the questioned about what he was talkin 'bout

 

[Kronin]

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.


Cheeto is commonly mistaken Chuck Norris by the locals here. I need to think of a Chuck Norris Fact which includes Cheeto.

VVV - Cheeto (and his SWMBO) found in his gallery

that looks nothing like Chuck Norris

 

[Kronin]

Chuck Norris does not do 'push ups'. He simply pushes the earth down.

 

[GregR]

Chuck Norris is the founder and president of 'The Stig' fan club.

 

[BKmyWAY]

When Chuck Norris jumps into a lake he doesn't get wet. The lake gets Norrised.

 

[Ceedubya]

 

[jblaven]

Chuck Norris is my daddy, if you're lucky, he's your daddy too.

 

[lurker18]

The last man to make eye contact with Chuck Norris was Ray Charles, then look what happened.

If you re arrange the letters in Chuck Norris's name, he'll break you.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought on a bet, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Chuck Norris once beat a wall at tennis.

The reason there are only four horsemen of the apocalypse is Chuck Norris prefers to walk.

World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Chuck Norris ate Kobayashi.

Chuck Norris does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction

Chuck Norris once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Chuck was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

Chuck Norris was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of you fools, who have to fight for it.

Chuck Norris once won the Olympics. All of them.

When Chuck Norris was a little boy, his father told him he was going to get a spanking for bad behavior. Just before he spanked him, his Dad said, "Son, this is going to hurt me alot more than it hurts you." Chuck's Dad was right.

The turning point of World War II was not when the allies invaded Normandy, but when Chuck Norris was born and Hitler shot himself to avoid the consequences.

Chuck Norris encourages people to "love their mama." This is because if you aren't loving your mama, Chuck will break your front door down and love your mama until he pitys her.

Chuck Norris once beat Usain Bolt in the 100 meter dash. He didn't even know he was racing, just that someone near the finish line leaned against his Chevy Lumina.

If Chuck Norris wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

The laws of physics state that nothing can survive entry into a black hole. Chuck Norris jumped into one, emerged five minutes in the past, and threw all the scientists out of a window. Just to show them that Chuck makes the laws.

Chuck Norris hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

Hamburger was invented when Chuck Norris kicked a cow at a chain link fence.

The original title of the Bible was "Chuck Norris and Friends."

 

[eschatz]

Chuck Norris once beat Usain Bolt in the 100 meter dash. He didn't even know he was racing, just that someone near the finish line leaned against his Chevy Lumina.


That's hilarious!