So I bought a kit and decided to doctor it a little bit. I added ten pounds of cherries, two pounds of brown sugar, an orange, Hershey's syrup, three oxtails and a buffalo heart. I hadn't paid my water bill so I just used water out of the swimming pool and I'm pretty sure at one point one or more bodily fluids found their way into the cooling wort. I pitched some unlabeled yeast into the wort and after three and a half minutes I saw no activity so I threw in a gallon of milk, a bunch of bananas and more brown sugar. Last night was two weeks since brew day and the primary smelled like a barnyard and was slightly glowing green. Now this morning I woke up, the lid was off of the primary bucket, there were what looked like oddly shaped, wet footprints leading away from the bucket. There's a half eaten turkey on the floor, the money in my wallet is gone, and the car is missing. Is there any way I can save this batch? Should I transfer to secondary and add more stuff? I was hoping for a SNPA clone, so I don't want to give up on this batch. What did I do wrong? Am I an idiot?