I am an idiot

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So I bought a kit and decided to doctor it a little bit. I added ten pounds of cherries, two pounds of brown sugar, an orange, Hershey's syrup, three oxtails and a buffalo heart. I hadn't paid my water bill so I just used water out of the swimming pool and I'm pretty sure at one point one or more bodily fluids found their way into the cooling wort. I pitched some unlabeled yeast into the wort and after three and a half minutes I saw no activity so I threw in a gallon of milk, a bunch of bananas and more brown sugar. Last night was two weeks since brew day and the primary smelled like a barnyard and was slightly glowing green. Now this morning I woke up, the lid was off of the primary bucket, there were what looked like oddly shaped, wet footprints leading away from the bucket. There's a half eaten turkey on the floor, the money in my wallet is gone, and the car is missing. Is there any way I can save this batch? Should I transfer to secondary and add more stuff? I was hoping for a SNPA clone, so I don't want to give up on this batch. What did I do wrong? Am I an idiot?

All rigth where I do start? It seems that you manage to grow a monkey in your brew it took me a lot of time, effort and drugs to do the same thing and you just did it out of the blue... There is still something that you can do for your SNPA clone: send my your wallet and all the naked pictures of your wife that you have, after that go to the store, get some Sierra Nevada, peel the labels off, give it to a friend and tell him you brew that.
 
Let's not jump to conclusions here. That could just have easily been a gnome. Personally, I would just leave it alone. The last thing you want is an 11th hour infection.
 
So I bought a kit and decided to doctor it a little bit. I added ten pounds of cherries, two pounds of brown sugar, an orange, Hershey's syrup, three oxtails and a buffalo heart. I hadn't paid my water bill so I just used water out of the swimming pool and I'm pretty sure at one point one or more bodily fluids found their way into the cooling wort. I pitched some unlabeled yeast into the wort and after three and a half minutes I saw no activity so I threw in a gallon of milk, a bunch of bananas and more brown sugar. Last night was two weeks since brew day and the primary smelled like a barnyard and was slightly glowing green. Now this morning I woke up, the lid was off of the primary bucket, there were what looked like oddly shaped, wet footprints leading away from the bucket. There's a half eaten turkey on the floor, the money in my wallet is gone, and the car is missing. Is there any way I can save this batch? Should I transfer to secondary and add more stuff? I was hoping for a SNPA clone, so I don't want to give up on this batch. What did I do wrong? Am I an idiot?

What was your OG?
Sounds like you fermented at too high a temperature.
 
So I bought a kit and decided to doctor it a little bit. I added ten pounds of cherries, two pounds of brown sugar, an orange, Hershey's syrup, three oxtails and a buffalo heart. I hadn't paid my water bill so I just used water out of the swimming pool and I'm pretty sure at one point one or more bodily fluids found their way into the cooling wort. I pitched some unlabeled yeast into the wort and after three and a half minutes I saw no activity so I threw in a gallon of milk, a bunch of bananas and more brown sugar. Last night was two weeks since brew day and the primary smelled like a barnyard and was slightly glowing green. Now this morning I woke up, the lid was off of the primary bucket, there were what looked like oddly shaped, wet footprints leading away from the bucket. There's a half eaten turkey on the floor, the money in my wallet is gone, and the car is missing. Is there any way I can save this batch? Should I transfer to secondary and add more stuff? I was hoping for a SNPA clone, so I don't want to give up on this batch. What did I do wrong? Am I an idiot?

WTF Noob? Ever hear of the search function? A quick search told me you need to add half a pepsi, another orange, and the liver of an aardvark. I thought everyone knew that when using pool water the acid of half a pepsi must be added to balance things out. I would wait another two weeks and bottle. If the car is not returned in two weeks, take your front door off of your house and throw it in the garbage, it has an infection.
 
Rondacker said:
Sorry if I missed this earlier; but, are the turtles waxed?

Yes, I wax my car with turtle wax, but I wax my turtles with car wax.
 
Obliviousbrew said:
All rigth where I do start? It seems that you manage to grow a monkey in your brew it took me a lot of time, effort and drugs to do the same thing and you just did it out of the blue... There is still something that you can do for your SNPA clone: send my your wallet and all the naked pictures of your wife that you have, after that go to the store, get some Sierra Nevada, peel the labels off, give it to a friend and tell him you brew that.

The only naked pictures I have are of a pigmy goat, does that work for you?
 
Hmmmm i thought you only waxed the turtles if plan on aging more than 24.32 years

I know all the brewing bibles say to do this, but it's been proven un necessary. John Palmer has even conceded and will change his stance on it new edition publications. Now it's only 18.2 years.
 
Bigcorona said:
What was your OG?
Sounds like you fermented at too high a temperature.

No OG or ferm temp. The kit didn't come with a hydrometer or thermometer so I just guessed at everything. The air temp where the beer fermented is about 110 degrees. Is that a problem?
 
AMonkey said:
WTF Noob? Ever hear of the search function? A quick search told me you need to add half a pepsi, another orange, and the liver of an aardvark. I thought everyone knew that when using pool water the acid of half a pepsi must be added to balance things out. I would wait another two weeks and bottle. If the car is not returned in two weeks, take your front door off of your house and throw it in the garbage, it has an infection.

I don't have Pepsi. Would Red bull work?
 
Rondacker said:
Well, as the saying goes; if the shoe fits?

Toss it in the secondary..:ban::ban:

Only flip flops belong in the secondary. Shoes are for bottling.
 
I always read not to dump a batch. But, what if your batch tastes like a dump? Should I just wear crocs for that?
 
Crocs and turtles are certainly comimentary, but I'd be concerned about an overdominant presense myself. if candied swamp is what you're going for, that would probably get you there.
 
Or, another option...nix the turtle, and dry hop the crocs. They are naturally antimicrobial whereas turtles are not.
 
What about using a tortoise as an alternative to a turtle? Do they compare well?
 
I´ve only used crocs in big beers otherwise I prefer turtles

You know what they say about crocs...

crocs.jpg
 
I prefer my turtles freshly squeezed over ice with a splash of crocodile.
 
*facepalm* Are we seriously debating this again? James Bond ruined it for everybody. The proper way to drink is squeezed salamanders with a splash of alligator. And over ice? Jesus have mercy.
 
Subsailor said:
Sea Turtles go in Barleywine

Depends on your IBUs. If its under 80 you use jellyfish. Or is it jelly bellys? Oh no, now I'm confused!
 
Jellyfish are added to the secondary, but only if you have cats or have steeped your crocodiles for 24.32 days at 115.35 degrees.

And that is Nile Crocodiles not Australian salties.
 
Sea Turtles go in Barleywine

Finally, an expert in marine mammals chimes in.

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Our product is based mainly on sustainable and responsibly harvested seaweeds and algaes such as Kelp, caulerpa and cultured chaetomorpha (With very minimum genetic modification). We are still in trials with a number of terroir adjuncts.

Our conversion process is patently different than what you may be used to as a brewer. Leveraging Henderson's Funeral Home's expertise in automated pyrolysis technology, we have been able to share the burden of energy input cost between both of our operations. It's a win-win for everyone, and it's environmentally responsible too.
The fermentation process is quite unique in it's own right. It's carried out by marsh flies which have been infected by our proprietary strain of artificial yeast nano-bots. Our initial test batches look very promising.

We've noted a very similar flavor profile to popular american premium lagers, however; we feel the added saltiness makes our product unique in the marketplace.
In keeping with our core philosophy of "Every Day Different" the flavor of our beer will never be the same twice.
For centuries, brewers have blindly been following the age old traditions. They keep brewing the same predictable beer day in and day out. Imagine being able to repeat the enjoyment of the first time you tasted the best beer you ever had...again and again. Now you can.

Mr. Subsailor sir, We are a high growth potential organization and are currently seeking investors and talented professionals like yourself. If you are the kind of person that likes to get their feet dirty, and their hands wet, we'd like to invite you to discuss a very bright future.

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I dare say that the proper algorithm to obtain the right sized novel depends on whether you can physically insert your navel into another mans chin wisker whiskey.
 

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