buenaventura
Well-Known Member
Tell me something . . . anything . . . advice, a joke, a poem, a quote . . . something . . .
Getting Divorced
- Thread starter buenaventura
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Bedlam
Well-Known Member
Best thing that ever happened to me. I am myself again...
you want jokes related to getting divorced or just general jokes?
Same question goes for poems, advice and quotes I suppose.
OP
OP
buenaventura
Well-Known Member
Well.. you're welcome, but the question was serious. I was about to post a divorce related joke but then realized that the situation might be to sensitive at the moment for such humor.
I deal with bad times and situations with humor... always... some people appreciate it, and others hate it.
I deal with bad times and situations with humor... always... some people appreciate it, and others hate it.
OP
OP
buenaventura
Well-Known Member
Hit me with whatever you got.
Grasshopper goes into a bar, bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" Grassphopper says, "You have a drink called Murray?!?"
Ba, dum, bum!!
Ba, dum, bum!!
BoogieBrandBooze
Well-Known Member
Amen to that. I am mere days away from it being "official" and haven't been this happy in years.
buenaventura, I don't know the specifics of your situation but I'm hoping that as bad as you might feel right now (and I had my moments as well) that you either work things out if they're truly meant to be, or see that you just very well may be better off without this person...
In any case, best of luck to you. You're definitely not alone.
A little outdated, but...
Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they are wet and wild. When they leave, they take your house and car.
Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they are wet and wild. When they leave, they take your house and car.
JOHN51277
Well-Known Member
Good luck man! Hang in there, it will only get better! Hey, you have 1 less person drinking from the pipeline, and more brewing time now!
On a serious note, I hope in the end it turns out to be a good move.
On a serious note, I hope in the end it turns out to be a good move.
Two little buys were assigned to the same room in a hospital and were being prepped for surgeries.
The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
I got divorced when I was young (30). I got married when I was young and stupid. The divorce was the best thing to happen.
(Hmm, reminds me, today is my ex's birthday).
I have been remarried now for nearly 11 years and am stunned every day at how easy it is. First one was practice.
Good luck.
(Hmm, reminds me, today is my ex's birthday).
I have been remarried now for nearly 11 years and am stunned every day at how easy it is. First one was practice.
Good luck.
riverfrontbrewer
Well-Known Member
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!
A woman was playing golf and got stung by a bee. She goes to the Dr and he says "where did it get you" she says "between the first and second hole"......he replied...."your stance is to wide".
Good luck man
A woman was playing golf and got stung by a bee. She goes to the Dr and he says "where did it get you" she says "between the first and second hole"......he replied...."your stance is to wide".
Good luck man
I was divorced when I was in my 30s, BEST thing to ever happen to me. I've been with my current wife for 20 years. Life is great, she's my best friend and it's easy to be with her. We started our own successful business and we're together 24/7. It's hard and hurts at first, but you will look back on it and feel it's worth the pain.
Ragutis
Well-Known Member
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard ladies-of-the-night there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas, too. I want to see you live on $800 a year."
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard ladies-of-the-night there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas, too. I want to see you live on $800 a year."
divorce was the best thing I did in my twenties, didn't seem like it at the time but it eventually led to to the part of the country where I met the right person this time.
hold your head up high, it will be ok in the end.
hold your head up high, it will be ok in the end.
bernerbrau
Well-Known Member
Guy walks into a bar. An hour later he regains consciousness in the hospital with a concussion.
6fiddyv
Well-Known Member
Its hard now, I know, but it will soon be better. Time is what heals all wounds, corny but oh so true...only took me almost 2 years, but I feel better, OH SO MUCH BETTER. Only sh!tty part is that my kids are so young...
So....
What do you do when a maxipad catches on fire?
TAMP-ON it.
So....
What do you do when a maxipad catches on fire?
TAMP-ON it.
This'll keep you busy. They are ultra stupid, but it's all I got on short notice.
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blown apart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other, you stay here; I'll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me..
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No
change yet.'
16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
18. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
19. A backward poet writes inverse.
20. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blown apart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other, you stay here; I'll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me..
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No
change yet.'
16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
18. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
19. A backward poet writes inverse.
20. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
Dwain
Well-Known Member
What do a divorce in East Tx and a tornado in East Tx have in common? No matter what, someone loses a trailer house.
I know it's terribly painful, but trust me when I say that you will get over it and be better off for it.
A marriage where one partner doesn't want to stay in it just can't be a good marriage. You'll be better off in the long run.
I was married for 16 years the first time, but I knew on our honeymoon that I had made a mistake. We tried to make it work, but I just couldn't stay. I'm remarried (very happily, and have been for nearly 10 years) and so is he. He's happy, too. We're really both better off apart, even though getting the divorce was incredibly painful for both of us. It hurts now, but when you look back after a couple of years, you'll realize it was for the best.
Maybe knowing now that you WILL recover can give you some comfort. That, and beer. Beer always helps.
A marriage where one partner doesn't want to stay in it just can't be a good marriage. You'll be better off in the long run.
I was married for 16 years the first time, but I knew on our honeymoon that I had made a mistake. We tried to make it work, but I just couldn't stay. I'm remarried (very happily, and have been for nearly 10 years) and so is he. He's happy, too. We're really both better off apart, even though getting the divorce was incredibly painful for both of us. It hurts now, but when you look back after a couple of years, you'll realize it was for the best.
Maybe knowing now that you WILL recover can give you some comfort. That, and beer. Beer always helps.
OP
OP
buenaventura
Well-Known Member
Thank you, everyone. You've all helped me get through my day.
gratus fermentatio
Well-Known Member
You might find this book useful: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Screw-the-*****/Dick-Hart/e/9781559500692
Regards, GF.
Regards, GF.
Along that line:
Two guys walk into a bar, one right after another. You would have thought that the second one would have ducked.
I got married when I was 21, and divorced five years later. It sucked, but looking back on it, I'm glad I did.
Ragutis
Well-Known Member
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” — Oscar Wilde
I enjoyed the jokes, but unfortunately (?) I am happily married and have been for about 18 years. Married at 22 to a younger lady (I used to pick her up at high school...)
Another couple I know are getting divorced after 38 years together. I think it's better to have it over and be happy with each other than to stay together and feel constant bitterness.
Another couple I know are getting divorced after 38 years together. I think it's better to have it over and be happy with each other than to stay together and feel constant bitterness.
Condolences, brother. Sorry to see that anyone has to endure something so painful as a divorce. It hurt me in ways I have never felt before or since. The only thing I could offer is to keep your head high and know that it WILL be over one day and you'll be cracking jokes about it. As for dealing with it in the meantime, I'm sure that you will be arguing with your former partner.
With that in mind, don't argue with an idiot, they just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Don't get ugly with your arguments. Don't insult. Don't be mean or cruel with your comments. Be the better person, take the high road. I guarantee you that it will pay off in the end. I got divorced with two children. Despite all of her attempts to goad me into any kind of "mud slinging" argument, I refused. I even had to resort to hanging up on her from her incessant screaming on the phone. Now, I have custody of the kids and we are great friends with each other. It will be hard, but keep to it. You may think that the hurt won't end, but it will. The scars may remain if you let them, but the pain always goes away.
Best of luck.
With that in mind, don't argue with an idiot, they just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Don't get ugly with your arguments. Don't insult. Don't be mean or cruel with your comments. Be the better person, take the high road. I guarantee you that it will pay off in the end. I got divorced with two children. Despite all of her attempts to goad me into any kind of "mud slinging" argument, I refused. I even had to resort to hanging up on her from her incessant screaming on the phone. Now, I have custody of the kids and we are great friends with each other. It will be hard, but keep to it. You may think that the hurt won't end, but it will. The scars may remain if you let them, but the pain always goes away.
Best of luck.
northernlad
Well-Known Member
My divorce was the second best thing that ever happened to me. It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I was only married to her so that I could have a daughter who is the most amazing person I know.
For me the only pain I felt was not getting to sleep in the same house as my daughter; I was DONE with her mom.
I, too, refer to my ex as my practice wife and my current one as my real wife.
I find great pleasure in throwing in a random "Kinda like my ex wife" when it will get a laugh. You know what i mean...
Whats the difference between a baby and a sandpiper? A sand piper flits along the shore.
For me the only pain I felt was not getting to sleep in the same house as my daughter; I was DONE with her mom.
I, too, refer to my ex as my practice wife and my current one as my real wife.
I find great pleasure in throwing in a random "Kinda like my ex wife" when it will get a laugh. You know what i mean...
Whats the difference between a baby and a sandpiper? A sand piper flits along the shore.
Hang Glider
Beer Drinker
Thanks, Tx - whatever happened to Bobby McFerrin?
Buenaventura - what everyone here is telling you is true. The jokes are truisms, the feelings expressed are true - hell, I've done it twice....
And somehow everything DOES work out. hang in there! Just like an alcoholic, take it one day at a time, and live in the present.
Life is successive moments of now...now...now....now...now...now..
Buenaventura - what everyone here is telling you is true. The jokes are truisms, the feelings expressed are true - hell, I've done it twice....
And somehow everything DOES work out. hang in there! Just like an alcoholic, take it one day at a time, and live in the present.
Life is successive moments of now...now...now....now...now...now..
Laughing_Gnome_Invisible
Well-Known Member
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I went to the doctor and told him I needed to lose 200 pounds of ugly fat. He said you don't need a doctor, you need a divorce lawyer.
Best thing that I ever did was divorce my first wife. The other best thing i ever did was marry my second wife.
Best thing that I ever did was divorce my first wife. The other best thing i ever did was marry my second wife.
azscoob
Brewpub coming soon!
Two muffins are sitting in the oven, the one says to the other, "man, its getting hot in here!" the other muffin says "holy **** a talking muffin!"
*crickets*
*crickets*
OP
OP
buenaventura
Well-Known Member
Thanks everyone for helping me get through day #2.
neko
Well-Known Member
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I keep having these two dreams. In one I'm a teepee and in the other I'm a wigwam. What does it mean?" The doctor says, "Relax, you're two tents."
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I keep having these two dreams. In one I'm a teepee and in the other I'm a wigwam. What does it mean?" The doctor says, "Relax, you're two tents."
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for christmas.....CANCER!
(the only joke I know)
Im not going to tell you about my marriage. I have never been through a divorce. I KNOW that if you pray about it..........
(the only joke I know)
Im not going to tell you about my marriage. I have never been through a divorce. I KNOW that if you pray about it..........
