First Label give me advice

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Tilldeath

Tilldeath

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K so I typed all this below and came to realize I don't know how to post the artwork?? any help??
I think it came out good, just not sure how to go about improving my next one.
It will be a Maple porter and the second in this series. Little background on this label for those who care....
My brother is a gra[hoc designer just in his last year at the moment. This character Dar-1 was his first animated hand drawn short. As he has progressed he made this 3d rendering of the robot Dar-1 and now is working on a 8-10min. clip for his portfolio. As a tribute to him and his idea and completing his college degree I'm doing a six part series cronicling Dar-1's tale in a short comic esque style. The Original back ground story is that Dar-1 is a robot created by the last truley great scientests in the world, to save humanity which is on the brink of collapse. So since I have seen countless breweries out there do seasonal brews, I thought it would be cool to release a new beer every 2 months and have a comic like story to go with it. Next year I will have a new character and story and so on. Thoughts on any of these aspects are gladly welcome. Also if you'd like I'll post up the following labels and story as it happens. Prost! :mug:
 
If you want to post your pictures, scroll down to the "Additional Options" part of the post area and click "Manage Attachments." I think that'll work. If you're posting a reply you'll need to go to the advanced version ("Go Advanced" button obviously). I'm interested now, so you need to post this before I get too drunk to type. :D
 
thinking I need a premium membership, unless I'm missing something, and I cant afford to upgard until payday next week. lol I'll email it to you so you can post it for me.
 
Yeah, that might be the prob. My address is pall.will ( at ) gmail.com . I'll just upload to my website and then post it from there.
 
Just post it from Photobucket.com, they will give you a code to post on here that will show the picture.
 
Tilldeath's Label:
tilldeathlabel.jpg


I like it. Although, I would think about adding more to the main image with the robot. The "Origins" text looks a little lonely.

Edit: And I really love the idea of a series. You're brother is very talented, and so are you apparently.
 
Agreed I was thinking about underlining it or something, the next chapter is Called Horizons so I'm trying to get am idea as to how to do that lettering and presentation right.
 
Maybe try just enlarging the "Origins" text, or moving the "Fallen Shadow Brewery" from the side into the main area. I don't really know what that would look like without being able to play around with it. At any rate, I would grab a bottle of this if I saw the label.

By the way, is that a Lord of the Rings typeface? Looks very familiar.
 
Yep, I caught it right before I started printing lol thx. I'll post a finished bottle with the custom caps on as well I'm a few days once I get my membership. Keep the suggestions and advice coming it all helps.
 
Personally, I like all the space in the illustration. I wouldn't "busy it up" by adding text to it. It's striking as-is, very spare.

As far as the text goes, of course, fixing the spelling error is a good idea. You will probably not want a comma after "turmoil," since you have inverted the clause after the comma. I can see that a comma there may seem to help make sense of the long clause, and is a natural break when reading (in fact, I think I can hear Don LaFontaine's voice in my head reading your copy), but it's actually a little confusing because of the inverted structure, IMO. Sometimes you can do things that aren't strictly correct because it works better or sounds more natural. In some cases, you will WANT to be incorrect to avoid sounding awkward and stuffy. For instance, sometimes it's better to end a sentence with a preposition (because insisting on grammatical correctness at all times is something up with which I shall not put, hahaha.)

That said, personally I would probably break that first sentence down a bit to make it easier to read. I picture something like this:

"In a time when the Earth has been ravaged by man, the world's people are in constant turmoil. Meet the last, real hope for mankind: Dar-1, a robot with only one purpose, to save humanity from its greatest threat--itself."

I think breaking the sentence into two this way still preserves the voice you are looking for, but makes it a little easier to read on the label. Doubtless it will work either way, though. I can't imagine too many people getting engaged in critiquing the puctuation or grammar of your copy while they are drinking your beer. :drunk:

Another thing I noticed was that in your copy you have written "...Fallen Shadow brewing's six part reflections line." That doesn't match the other side of the label. To be consistent, you should probably match the name of your brewery on both sides. Either have "Fallen Shadows Brewing('s)" both times [note the capitalization of Brewing] or "Fallen Shadows Brewery('s)" on both sides. You might also consider putting "Reflections" in quotes to indicate that it's the name of your series, but I don't know that there are MLA style guidelines for beer series, so I don't know how much that will matter

Last, though, I think you missed an apostrophe in your text. It should read "fruit's sweetness" (or I suppose you could make it plural possessive, fruits' sweetness, if you like).

Those are all the little nit picky things I immediately saw, and some things (like breaking that first sentence down) are mostly just personal preference. You can probably tell I'm more of an editor than a designer. :)
 
Thank you a ton that's really helpful, Im not the best when it comes to sentence structure.
 
SSBrew 300

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