Gratus fermentatio: Thank you very much for the well-crafted curse. You must have a lot of practice with these things.
Homercidal: Oh, you are sooo funny.
Beer-lord: Thanks for the advice on claiming the package. I would have chalked it up to a loss, but I decided to claim it and see what happens.
Short version:
Contact the seller and have them file the claim that it was not delivered. That will save you a lot of time and frustration. And it turns out that my neighbors aren't thieves after all - UPS was dumb and they said they delivered the package when they did not.
Long version:
First, I went to the UPS website and typed in the tracking number and tried to claim it as "lost / never delivered." Then they wanted me to create a user account. [sigh] Sure, fine. Then, after typing in the tracking number again, they wanted me to type in where the package originated and where it was going to. "Whaaa? But...I gave you the tracking number! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS INFORMATION?"
After finding the home address of Northern Brewer and typing that in (hoping that that's where they actually shipped the package from) and then typing my own address in, UPS basically said. "Well...since you're not the sender of the package...there's not a lot we can tell you...but we'll look into it and get back to you."
What a waste of time. So I call Northern Brewer and talk to a rather helpful guy and he says he'll put the claim in to UPS for me.
The next day my package is sitting on my doorstep. Apparently, UPS screwed up and said that they delivered my package on Tuesday when in actuality they delivered it on Thursday. There was a nice forklift fork gash in the box, but the contents were intact. Fortunately the weather was rather mild so I don't think the yeasts were too stressed out. Lord only knows how hot the UPS warehouse / delivery truck was. I made a starter on Friday night and by pitching time on Saturday a small amount of krausen was beginning to form.
The brew day went off without a hitch and today, one day later, the yeasts are happily creating snowstorms in their carboys in 11 gallons of freshly brewed honey brown ale wort. All is right with the world.