You guys take a LONG time to carbonate. I bottle in PET bottles. I can tell when they're carbonated. If they're not rock hard in a week something's wrong. I give them another week to condition and clear. The only times I've had to wait longer was for a high ABV cider. My 9.5% honey cider took about 3 weeks, but I'm betting the S-04 was close to played out at that ABV. Months? Wow. That would have to be a monster beer with like 1 or 2 surviving yeast cells in it.
I usually ferment for 2 weeks before bottling, but if you bottled too early you'd have the opposite problem, i.e., bottle bombs. 4 oz. of corn sugar in a 5 gallon batch is pretty darned close to the right amount. I'm pretty surprised that a light lager kit with an additional pound of honey only wound up at 3%. That should be more like 5%, at least. What were the OG and FG? Could the yeast have just been old?