Brewiz
Well-Known Member
> Subject: Fwd: Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
>
> This is funny!!
>
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
> interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
> for little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
> were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY
> TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
> triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
> pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
> blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
> burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,...
> right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
> must
> admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
> going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
> did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
> one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
> would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
> the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
> would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
> with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
> possibleway!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
> my
> best.....
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
> as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
> burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I
> decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
> WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!!
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
> in
> the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
> and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
> fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
> in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing
> over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
> undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
> of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
> you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
> second burst would be considered conservative.
>
> SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
> as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my
> wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
> reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up
> there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
> face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
> lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a
> significant reward for their safe return.
>
> Still in shock,
> Tommy
>
>
> This is funny!!
>
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
> interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
> for little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
> were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY
> TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
> triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
> pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
> blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
> burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,...
> right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
> must
> admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
> going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
> did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
> one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
> would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
> the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
> would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
> with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
> possibleway!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
> my
> best.....
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
> as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
> burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I
> decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
> WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!!
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
> in
> the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
> and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
> fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
> in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing
> over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
> undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
> of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
> you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
> second burst would be considered conservative.
>
> SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
> as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my
> wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
> reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up
> there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
> face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
> lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a
> significant reward for their safe return.
>
> Still in shock,
> Tommy
>