Deacon1856
Well-Known Member
The events depicted are true. No need to disguise the identities of the parties involved as I am the one and only asshat with a part to play here. Reader discretion is advised.
It's the day after Thanksgiving and it's a beautiful sunny day in South Central Kentucky. I'm full and fat from the previous days feasting. My wife is out with her mother and out of my hair. My dogs are running around like idiots in the back yard and not directly under my feet. I am free to do as I please. So I says to myself, "Self, lets go to the garage and get a workout in. You could use it after all that food." So I proceed to the garage.
Upon entering the garage I notice a strange pool at my garage door. It is connected to my freezer and 4 tap refrigerator. "No big deal," says I, "it's probably just my freezer defrosting." But, just because I'm a curious cat I opened the door of my refrigerator.
The next few minutes are a bit of a blur as my rage took over, but through the molten hot fury and between the cacophony of curses that flew out my mouth I was left with the realization that the hefe that I had been carefully cultivating for nigh a month (and had yet to pull one f*****g pint from!) had vacated its keg for the freedom of my garage and driveway.
The inside of the fridge was flooded with hefe. My floor, as it turned out, was covered in hefe. I can only assume my driveway had been a rushing river of hefe sometime during the night. I was left with only CO2 and my dignity in that empty keg.
After some investigation, I found the root of the problem. I had the night before upped the pressure in that keg to force the carbonation. Apparently, the force was too much for the line at the tap. It leaked. A lot. Approximately 5 gallons worth.
The sh*t of it is, a f*****g $0.10 hose clamp could have avoided this situation. But no. I thought it would be ok without one. And who knows better than I?! I mean seriously, I have 4 brews under my belt at this point so I am the standard by which brew-related process and result is judged. What an asshat.
A "funny" side story follows thus: I was so mad when I figured out what happened that I pulled the hose off the tap without releasing the pressure in the keg shooting the foam that was in the line all over my face, my head, the front of the kegerator, and into my eye. I don't have to go any farther for you to draw your own pop-culture comparisons. At least they get paid for their humiliation.
Another kicker, since I am the whipping-boy of the Beer Gods this day, is that the two kegs I had on tap both kicked. Tonight. The hefe was supposed to get me to the Hazlenut Brown Nectar I have conditioning (1 week old today). But no. Of course not. Now I am beerless. 5 gallons in the pipeline, 5 gallons of Apfelwein 2 weeks away, NOTHING ON TAP. Unbelievable.
I guess there is a moral here. Well, maybe 2 morals. 1) If you're going to spend 5 hours on brew-day, 3 weeks in fermentation minding the F*****G blow-off tube, and 1 week conditioning in the keg - USE THE GD CLAMPS! Just use the clamps. That's all. Use the clamps. And 2) The Beer Gods hate me and furthermore are ********. They're having a good laugh at my expense (not the least of which at my foam-facial) and that's fine. I will have my revenge.
I know this is long winded; I apologize. That is just how I roll. Hopefully my humiliation will save others the trouble. On the other hand, it is probable that nobody else is asinine enough to do what I did.
Use the clamps. Please. The clamps are your friend.
Deacon.
PS - Use the clamps.
It's the day after Thanksgiving and it's a beautiful sunny day in South Central Kentucky. I'm full and fat from the previous days feasting. My wife is out with her mother and out of my hair. My dogs are running around like idiots in the back yard and not directly under my feet. I am free to do as I please. So I says to myself, "Self, lets go to the garage and get a workout in. You could use it after all that food." So I proceed to the garage.
Upon entering the garage I notice a strange pool at my garage door. It is connected to my freezer and 4 tap refrigerator. "No big deal," says I, "it's probably just my freezer defrosting." But, just because I'm a curious cat I opened the door of my refrigerator.
The next few minutes are a bit of a blur as my rage took over, but through the molten hot fury and between the cacophony of curses that flew out my mouth I was left with the realization that the hefe that I had been carefully cultivating for nigh a month (and had yet to pull one f*****g pint from!) had vacated its keg for the freedom of my garage and driveway.
The inside of the fridge was flooded with hefe. My floor, as it turned out, was covered in hefe. I can only assume my driveway had been a rushing river of hefe sometime during the night. I was left with only CO2 and my dignity in that empty keg.
After some investigation, I found the root of the problem. I had the night before upped the pressure in that keg to force the carbonation. Apparently, the force was too much for the line at the tap. It leaked. A lot. Approximately 5 gallons worth.
The sh*t of it is, a f*****g $0.10 hose clamp could have avoided this situation. But no. I thought it would be ok without one. And who knows better than I?! I mean seriously, I have 4 brews under my belt at this point so I am the standard by which brew-related process and result is judged. What an asshat.
A "funny" side story follows thus: I was so mad when I figured out what happened that I pulled the hose off the tap without releasing the pressure in the keg shooting the foam that was in the line all over my face, my head, the front of the kegerator, and into my eye. I don't have to go any farther for you to draw your own pop-culture comparisons. At least they get paid for their humiliation.
Another kicker, since I am the whipping-boy of the Beer Gods this day, is that the two kegs I had on tap both kicked. Tonight. The hefe was supposed to get me to the Hazlenut Brown Nectar I have conditioning (1 week old today). But no. Of course not. Now I am beerless. 5 gallons in the pipeline, 5 gallons of Apfelwein 2 weeks away, NOTHING ON TAP. Unbelievable.
I guess there is a moral here. Well, maybe 2 morals. 1) If you're going to spend 5 hours on brew-day, 3 weeks in fermentation minding the F*****G blow-off tube, and 1 week conditioning in the keg - USE THE GD CLAMPS! Just use the clamps. That's all. Use the clamps. And 2) The Beer Gods hate me and furthermore are ********. They're having a good laugh at my expense (not the least of which at my foam-facial) and that's fine. I will have my revenge.
I know this is long winded; I apologize. That is just how I roll. Hopefully my humiliation will save others the trouble. On the other hand, it is probable that nobody else is asinine enough to do what I did.
Use the clamps. Please. The clamps are your friend.
Deacon.
PS - Use the clamps.