CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
I'm neither very old nor very young. Socially, I am neither a butterfly nor a wallflower. In almost every way, except for a rare species of insanity, I am drearily normal. For this reason, I think I am the PERFECT person to dole out advice when it comes to day to day matters that no one ever discussed in school. So, at age 32, I am sharing with you all... my dear fellow HBTers, a few simple platitudes and rules to live by. Had someone told ME these things, I would have saved myself a lot of embarrassment. You are very welcome.
- Never EVER hold a beer in one hand and a bottle for spitting dip juice in the other.
- Unless you are a police officer, it is NEVER appropriate to use the walkie-talkie function on a phone in public.
- On a mostly empty train or bus, choose a seat that is not directly adjacent to another passenger. Leaving an empty seat between you and them will make them more confident that they will finish their ride unmolested.
- Always offer your seat to a pregnant woman. Know, however, that there is a chance that she will not see that you have done so, and will be listening to her Ipod. You might have to stand there like a jackhole deciding if you should tap her shoulder and make her jump 30 feet in the air without bending her knees because you have startled her, or return to your seat. The best solution for this is to pretend you meant to stand anyway because you need to stretch your legs. Do a deep knee bend to drive this point home to anyone looking on.
- If a woman asks you to guess her age, offer to punch yourself in the crotch instead.
- Standing in a line is much different from being in a traffic jam. In a traffic jam, leave a car's length between you and the car in front of you to help alleviate gridlock. Standing in line, move forward at the moment the line does. In both cases, proper etiquette will reduce your chances of someone dragging you to the floor and beating you within an inch of your life out of frustration.
- Servers and bartenders have access to far too many bodily fluids, poisons and pollutants. Failing to say please and thank you is ill advised.
- Never identify yourself by those things you DO NOT do.
- Never answer a question with another question. I know you might not be here to "make friends" but I doubt you are here because you want to be reviled and hated.
- Keep extra buttons handy.
- If you walk into an eatery and you see an older woman wearing a shower cap and holding a slotted spoon, EAT THERE!!
- Beginning a tense customer service call with "hi (Cindy), before we start I know I sound angry, but I need you to know I'm not angry at you" will most often result in excellent service. Sometimes, it will result in free stuff.
- Cats owned by single women are seldom friendly.
- When shopping at a Bodega, the question to ask in Spanish is "are there any eggs?" NOT "do you have any eggs?" Trust me.
- When travelling in the Midwest, having a stranger smile and say hello to you is fairly common. Don't assume they are trying to sell you something.
- Feel free to hit your kids. Don't do it in public.
- Refer to all food products by their original names. It's fun to order Patagonian Toothfish at restaurants. After all, Chile doesnt actually have any sea bass. Also, should you be in the market for some quality canola oil at the supermarket, the 16 year stockperson will get a real thrill when you ask "pardon me, do you have any RAPE OIL!?"
- Pull off for gas or to pee at THIS exit. Not the next one, THIS one.
- This one goes out to the single ladies. Now that I am married and insulated from retaliation, I am going to unequivocally state that no man aged 16-99 has ever wanted to watch his girlfriend's home videos or look through her picture albums. Not one, not ever. Reserve this for punishment purposes only.
- For every problem you might be having, there are going to be people who are part of the problem and people who are part of the possible solution. Know the difference, and be sure to not treat the latter as you would the former.
- I take to heart something my father told me when Marty Jones made fun of me in elementary school. I'll never forget it. He sat me down and told me "James, no matter where you are or what you do, it's a fact of life that there will always be people out there who just don't like you. Its because you are really annoying."
And there you have it. Three decades worth of gathered wisdom.
- Never EVER hold a beer in one hand and a bottle for spitting dip juice in the other.
- Unless you are a police officer, it is NEVER appropriate to use the walkie-talkie function on a phone in public.
- On a mostly empty train or bus, choose a seat that is not directly adjacent to another passenger. Leaving an empty seat between you and them will make them more confident that they will finish their ride unmolested.
- Always offer your seat to a pregnant woman. Know, however, that there is a chance that she will not see that you have done so, and will be listening to her Ipod. You might have to stand there like a jackhole deciding if you should tap her shoulder and make her jump 30 feet in the air without bending her knees because you have startled her, or return to your seat. The best solution for this is to pretend you meant to stand anyway because you need to stretch your legs. Do a deep knee bend to drive this point home to anyone looking on.
- If a woman asks you to guess her age, offer to punch yourself in the crotch instead.
- Standing in a line is much different from being in a traffic jam. In a traffic jam, leave a car's length between you and the car in front of you to help alleviate gridlock. Standing in line, move forward at the moment the line does. In both cases, proper etiquette will reduce your chances of someone dragging you to the floor and beating you within an inch of your life out of frustration.
- Servers and bartenders have access to far too many bodily fluids, poisons and pollutants. Failing to say please and thank you is ill advised.
- Never identify yourself by those things you DO NOT do.
- Never answer a question with another question. I know you might not be here to "make friends" but I doubt you are here because you want to be reviled and hated.
- Keep extra buttons handy.
- If you walk into an eatery and you see an older woman wearing a shower cap and holding a slotted spoon, EAT THERE!!
- Beginning a tense customer service call with "hi (Cindy), before we start I know I sound angry, but I need you to know I'm not angry at you" will most often result in excellent service. Sometimes, it will result in free stuff.
- Cats owned by single women are seldom friendly.
- When shopping at a Bodega, the question to ask in Spanish is "are there any eggs?" NOT "do you have any eggs?" Trust me.
- When travelling in the Midwest, having a stranger smile and say hello to you is fairly common. Don't assume they are trying to sell you something.
- Feel free to hit your kids. Don't do it in public.
- Refer to all food products by their original names. It's fun to order Patagonian Toothfish at restaurants. After all, Chile doesnt actually have any sea bass. Also, should you be in the market for some quality canola oil at the supermarket, the 16 year stockperson will get a real thrill when you ask "pardon me, do you have any RAPE OIL!?"
- Pull off for gas or to pee at THIS exit. Not the next one, THIS one.
- This one goes out to the single ladies. Now that I am married and insulated from retaliation, I am going to unequivocally state that no man aged 16-99 has ever wanted to watch his girlfriend's home videos or look through her picture albums. Not one, not ever. Reserve this for punishment purposes only.
- For every problem you might be having, there are going to be people who are part of the problem and people who are part of the possible solution. Know the difference, and be sure to not treat the latter as you would the former.
- I take to heart something my father told me when Marty Jones made fun of me in elementary school. I'll never forget it. He sat me down and told me "James, no matter where you are or what you do, it's a fact of life that there will always be people out there who just don't like you. Its because you are really annoying."
And there you have it. Three decades worth of gathered wisdom.
