When a sentence begins like this, it never ends well...

As a public service to young and old, I have decided to list a few phrases people use when they are about to say something objectionable. When you hear one of these innocuous-sounding phrases, cut the conversation short. If you cannot cut the conversation short for some reason, violence might be the answer*.

*Creamy Goodness is not advocating violence, and is mostly kidding. He's also bored.

1) I'd hate to bother you but... (subtext: I'm going to bother the crap out of you)
2) I've been thinking... (yes, but not for very long. Something half-arsed is going to be said now... e.g. I've been thinking that maybe I should change my major to animal husbandry seeing as how I always loved my cat Fluffy)
3) We need to talk... (RUN!)
4) You're a guy/girl/man/woman right?... (this person is going to give you TMI about their sex life and/or body parts)
5) Have you heard the good news?... (not too bad, but you ARE getting a copy of "The Watchtower")
6) In MY day.... (punch this guy. Just do it. It'll come to that anyway, trust me. "When I was a kid" or "Back in the 60s, or whenever" are NOT the same thing.)
7) Are you busy?.... (You're about to be!)
8) Im just saying.... (....something vile and stupid you think you can sanitize with a moronic phrase)
9) Call me old fashioned, but... (expect something obvious to be said here. For example, "Call me old fashioned but I really don't think assaulting a police officer is acceptable behavior."
10) Not for nothing, but... (now I'm going to teach you something you already know)
11) May I speak to the male head of household 18 years of age or older?... (obviously you are unfamiliar with the way the world works. I might be 18 years of age or older and male, but do you REALLY think I'm head of household?? Why dont you call my fiance's phone so she can ignore it? Also, I dont need what you are selling)
12) Can you spare a minute for....? (NOPE!)
13) It's SO much better going to the gym BEFORE work... (congrats perfect-pants... if you need me I'll be jamming a donut in my gaping maw)
14) Last night out of the blue (Ex's name here) called me... (I'm going to have to deal with crying and or the word "*****" arent I?)
and the final one for now...
15) Promise you wont be mad... (Not only will I not promise such a thing, I am preparing for rage...)

Can you do me a favor?

Any interwebs post that begins "Umm ..." Genius always follows.

How about this gem: "Hey guys, watch this!"

Another one is when a coworker who you don't normally deal with comes up to you suddenly and gives a big swarmy smile, pauses, and then says 'Hiii'.

I know they want me to do something, which is fine.
But the worst part is the smile. Don't smile! There's nothing funny going on! Just state your case, say please, and lemme adjust to my new workload.

Is creamy goodness the new copy paste king of hbt???

"Hello, Peter. Whaaaaaaat's happening? Say, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and ..."

I have an uncle (who is also a co-worker) who always starts off a conversation with "So, what did you do this weekend?" Just so he can end up talking your ear off about how awesome or crappy his weekend was.
The conversations usually go something like this:
Uncle: "So what did you do this weekend?"
Me: "Not much, brewed beer."
Uncle: "Well I went to yadda-yadda-yadda with whatsherface and didsomethingmuchbetterthanyou and now I'm going to bore you with an endless conversation on something nobody really cares to hear and so on and so on and so on..."

Every time I hear the dreaded "So what did you do this weekend?" statement, I try to make myself look super busy, answer quickly, and walk away before I get sucked in.

beninan said:

Every time I hear the dreaded "So what did you do this weekend?" statement, I try to make myself look super busy, answer quickly, and walk away before I get sucked in.

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That's a shame. This question gets asked every Monday at 8am by either me or an office mate. It's a good way to start the week. Maybe the difference is that we all actually participate in the conversation and listen to each other, tho.

wildwest450 said:

Is creamy goodness the new copy paste king of hbt???

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I bet he's got a ton of Yo Mamma jokes just a Ctrl + V away!

Kittyfeet said:

That's a shame. This question gets asked every Monday at 8am by either me or an office mate. It's a good way to start the week. Maybe the difference is that we all actually participate in the conversation and listen to each other, tho.

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Oh it's one thing to tell someone what they did over the weekend, but to drag on a conversation to tell someone what they did with every single detail, down to how many times they blinked that day and how many times they expelled noxious fumes from their rectum gets kind of annoying.

The other thing about his question is he really doesn't care to know what you did, he only asks the question in hopes that he will suck you in so he can tell you what he did.

Sounds painful to hear. Is he an older guy? Maybe he's lonely and/or starved for attention. Some of the older folk will talk to anyone who gives them a friendly smile and a salutation. Srsly, I've been witness to seeing people cornered in grocery stores by the elderly gentleman who just won't shut up. It hurts to watch.

My all time favorite is "if your not too busy, can you look at the car, the oil lite came on last week and it smells funny now". Last week? WTF were you thinking? Can anybody be that dumb? My second wife was a looker, but dumb as a post on common sense stuff. She had to go...
Bob

The jokes are all mine, which is either a lot better or even more pathetic, not sure.

weirdboy said:

Can you do me a favor?

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That depends, you're a guy right?