so am I an Ahole?

let me start this by saying I've been drinking pretty well tonight while the SWMBO watches True Blood on demand.

So I have been married for 2 years and am in a good marriage, but I have been thinking about throwing in the towel. Sadly I have no "good" reason. The wife and I love each other, are mostly supportive, and we rarely fight. However my only real reason for wanting to leave is that i miss the freedoms of being single. Drink as much as I want, or do nothing on a saturday except sit around in my boxers. I guess that I feel pretty selfish about theses reasons, and i problably should but are they valid ones to act on? I promised to marry myself to this woman forever. I think deep down inside I don't want to have to share my life with anyone anymore, to have to make mutual descisions, and to share income when I work harder for my income (I'm us army infantry and she's a secretary and a medical office).

Being a former Infantryman while my ex-wife worked retail I can kinda understand where youre coming from. If you love her I wouldn't do it just because you want your freedom. Maybe just ask her if you could get a saturday once a month to yourself.

I don't understand why being married prevents you from sitting around in your skivvies on a Saturday night. Drinking too much? So long as you don't make it a daily habit, why can't she overlook it once in a while?

Also, have you spoken to her about this, or are you assuming on your own that she is against these thing?

In my relationship, we can do what we want so long as it doesn't affect the other one. That means if she wants to go out with her friends, she does it. If I want to go, I can join or not... my choice. Likewise I can do what I want. It's a Friday night and I'm sitting around in my boxers while she's reading in the chair across the room.

Bottom line is that marriage shouldn't change anything, IMO. As much as you are sharing something with someone else, you are still both individuals with your individuals likes and dislikes. There is nothing wrong with doing what you want, so long as the other party isn't affected.

Thats a lot more of what I was thinking but couldn't figure out how to write it. I'm going on minimal sleep today.

I just feel like i am in a no win situation, here is an example:

she doesn't like watching me play the x-box, so i have bought my own tv for the bedroom. now she dosen't like me playing it b/c i don't spend the evening with her. So i stop playing all together but i only end up watching john and kate plus 8 or something similar.

The first thing you gotta do is talk to her about it. I find myself more relaxed when I can get out to my garage to wrench on my snowmobiles or motorcycle or whatnot. My ex-gf used to get pissed when I would spend my time out there, so I would go inside to spend time with her. I would get agitated when all we would do is watch some dum bass show on tv that I have no interest in. One day we got into another argument about it, and I asked her why we have to spend time doing only the things she wants to do. Why can't she come out to the garage to talk to me, I'll even put a chair out there for her.

In the end, it opened up her eyes that I wasn't trying to avoid her, I was just bored and wanted more mental stimulation than the tv could provide. Maybe there's something you can find that interest both of you. Maybe you can just be two individuals living together. This may be a simple case of two people who misunderstand each others wants and needs. I may be two people who are overall incompatible.

Being a divorcee, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone despite the fact that I had an easy divorce. I urge you to try to find a solution to your problems instead of running from them. If its an irreconcilable situation then so be it, but you owe it to yourself and to her to try to find out so you don't ever question whether you made the right decision.

How old are you both? That's one thing to consider since you'll grow out of some of these habits.

I was infantry (now 19D, meh) and just got married last year. We've never had any major issues as far as how to split our time, also I've probably burned myself out on going to the bars (I'm 34), and usually spend some time together each day without getting in arguments. We both like to travel a lot, we both enjoy dining out once in a while, we both like beer, etc. We've found enough common ground that we don't feel insecure when the other goes off to do something by themself.

Talking to her is the best thing you can do right now.

19D? I got out all together BP now down in AZ. Did I just hijack this thread?

+1 to Meaty Portion, especially the part about age and growing out of certain behaviors.

Got married at 32, glad as f*ck I waited. Dated quite a bit, had 2 serious relationships with chics that wanted ME to marry THEM but I was not feeling like I wanted to reciprocate. Now?...Couldn't be happier, no question about it. We each have our hobbies, I am an amateur astronomer, brew beer, break sh*t and blow stuff up...her? she loves dogs (I do to) makes jewelry, and reads more books in a week than a lot of folks do in a year. Do we have a lot in common? Some things, the simple things, each others company, but we also give each other space when needed, and find our respective interests to be OK (as long as I don't burn/hurt myself to bad). Why, because we want each other to be HAPPY above all. I focus on her happiness, support her and she does likewise.

About the xBox, we have one to, and actually we play a lot of games together, Halo, PGR 1&2, Burnout(s) etc. Maybe if you can engage your girl in that activity you might be able to bridge the gap. If all she wants to do is have you accompany her doing activities of her choosing, you will, of course, be resentful. When you meet your life partner, there should not have to be major changes in iether ones behavior or personality to make it work. If changes have to happen because one or the other is unhappy, then it is not a good fit.

Ballance, is the key.

BTW, after this thread i checked out Metalopalypse thread, my wife was diggin that sh*t...

JoshuaWhite5522 said:

I promised to marry myself to this woman forever.

Click to expand...

How much do you think your word is worth?

+1 on the communicating with her.
Mutual compromise also helps.

Instead of you in your boxers all the time,
maybe change to one weekend of the month
as "Nude Weekend". If anything, it helps to ensure
getting the chores and shopping get done prior to the weekend.

JoshuaWhite5522,

How old were you when you entered the military and how old were you when you got married?

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

that will help

wolfstar said:

BTW, after this thread i checked out Metalopalypse thread, my wife was diggin that sh*t...

Click to expand...

Do you mean Metalocalypse? What thread??

Sawdustguy said:

JoshuaWhite5522,

How old were you when you entered the military and how old were you when you got married?

Click to expand...

23 when i entered service 25 when i got married

To me, marriage isn't just another relationship... another girlfriend. You made the commitment, now live up to it... just like the enlistment oath you took. Life is about responsibility. You have a responsibility to your marriage. Marriage is about compromise. It's also about communication. If you're feeling inhibited, talk to her. Have a heart-to-heart talk (just don't tell her you were thinking of bailing). Find a way to please both you and her.

So, to answer your question... you're not an a-hole for thinking these thoughts. Virtually every married person has these thoughts at some point. But you act on them, you are.

Hey Josh...don't be so hard on yourself. These are very common marital issues and you guys can work it out...but only if you both invest in doing so. Marriage is like a second job, it takes a lot of hard work, communication, and compromise to make it successful and fullfilling for both.
Just take her out somewhere and talk to her about how you are feeling, as hard as that may be...you never know, maybe she is feeling the same way and has some thoughts about how you both can improve your marriage.

I would say talk to her. She might feel exactly the same way as you do and thinks she needs out. Either she will be totally shocked are she will agree with you. Either way, you'll know where you stand. Luck - Dwain

Oh, S.T. beat me to it. Yeah, what S.T. said

Where you stationed at?

I have no advice for you bud cuz I'm in the same boat.In a way it's a good thing because those women keep you in check.I no longer get into bar fights on a weekly basis and all though I have less toys I do have a big bank account.I got married at 27 so again no advice but I can relate.

I think so many people get sucked into being entertained all the time, they forget how to relate to people. What I mean is stuff like the TV. It seems like when some people are home, their TV is on. Nothing wrong with a TV show now and then, but so many people spend HOURS in front of it. Same with Xbox. Nothing wrong with it- but if you're spending 2-3 hours a day on it, it just replaced your marriage. I can guarantee that when you were dating that you didn't just watch TV and play Xbox every night. You walked, talked, went for a drive, etc.

So, what I'm saying is you allowed yourself to drop into a rut. And so did she. TV and Xbox are fine for what they are- a source of entertainment occasionally for hard working people. When 3/4 of your life outside of work is dominated by these silly activities, though, the marriage suffers.

So, my advice is to talk about this. If you're using TV and video games as an escape, at least recognize it.

I have to say this, though, so you can take my advice for FWIW. I don't even know the last time I turned on my TV. I watch some NFL and NHL, and maybe an occasional news program. I don't have it on even weekly, let alone daily. I don't have a TV at my cottage, where I spend Friday-Sunday spring through fall. I don't have satellite or any other premium TV. I'm not interested- it's not real.

Well said yooper.It gets to the point were your just coexisting.kinda like having a roommate.When ever my wife and I go out (not that often)we have a blast,but at home shes always either watching tv or reading.Sorry don't mean to thread jack.

I am a Soldier and a Husband,

I understand your thoughts of not wanting to be "tied down" I have felt that way several times, that is your Soldier speaking. There are a great many things that you can do without having a family! But you are also a Husband and as one, I find nothing more enjoyable that spending an evening with my wife/best friend. I know that her and I don't like the same things nor do we want to watch the same TV show but there are a great many things that we do to keep from getting in to that rut. If I need an afternoon to veg out on the couch I just tell her.

Playing the Xbox on the TV in the front room I do that as well, all it requires is a bit of conversation...

It sounds like your relationship went from that to a being a Chore or even a utility.

Sign up for one of those Marriage retreats the the BN/BDE Chaplain offers, take the time to become friends again instead of being roommates.....


I am still with my Wife after 30 months of being Deployed ( 2 Deployments) ..... it takes some work from both of you.

Try a mariage retreat or a Mini vacation where you two are the only thing to do no TV no Video games NO Heavy Drinking !!!!

-Jason

Yeah I understand that a marriage is all about comunication, compromise, and it takes work. I just look at my life as it was 2.5 years ago. Since I have been married I have noticed that my life has become more work, and that I enjoy the day to day less than I did when I was single.

It really doesn't sound like it's that bad. I have been married for about 3 years now and my wife and I have done the same sorts of things. I've found that it's not really my wife that brought me down it was myself really. We all get stuck in ruts even when we are not in relationships and all you can do is make a decision to get out of it. Talk to your wife and tell her you would like to mix it up a bit I bet if you put down the tv and the x-box life would be more enjoyable. You said you love her, I think that goes a long way, sure it's hard not to get bored but if you make an effort it's really not that hard, and no a marriage should not be a hassle, it's a job yes but it should be a fun one.

Most of the time I like to stay out of other people's personal business, but as an observation based upon your comments I think you already know the answer to your question.

However, what married guy never thought about the same issues? I'm sure all of us have.

JoshuaWhite5522 said:

Yeah I understand that a marriage is all about comunication, compromise, and it takes work. I just look at my life as it was 2.5 years ago. Since I have been married I have noticed that my life has become more work, and that I enjoy the day to day less than I did when I was single.

Click to expand...

That is easily fixable. Man, the world doesn't revolve around you. I guess we all grow up at different rates, some slower than others. Suck it up and see a marriage counsellor. At least give it a try. If it doesn't work out, get out before you bring a child into this world.

If you pull the plug now, you'll regret it, and be second-guessing yourself for a long time. I like to ask people who are engaged, why? 99% will say, "Because I want a wife," or "Because I want a husband." The truth is a guy should want to get married to become a husband, and a gal should want to get married to become a wife. Well, it's a mix actually, between wanting a wife and becoming a husband. But the fact is, if a guy would go into it wanting to be a husband, he is focused on giving himself to his bride more than he is on getting a wife. Our job is to make our wives a priority by being a 'servant leader'.

If you'll stop looking at what you're getting out of the deal, and start being creative to make your wife feel like the special person she is, I'll guarantee she'll respond well and you'll both be happy. But it's your responsibility to initiate it, and continue, regardless of her response. If things still wind up in the tank, at least you'll be able to say you gave it your all.

Whoa everyone....let's stop being Dr. Phil and get back to the OP's question:



Yes.

You say it's a good marriage but you think you don't want to be married anymore. That's a bit of a contradiction. A good marriage is one you want to be in. Why did you get married in the first place?

What activities do you enjoy doing together (not xbox or reality TV watching obviously)? Do more of the things you both enjoy and reconnect.

Well we got married b/c we were living together, and figured it was time for the next step before I went on deployment (we had been together almost a year at that point). We enjoyed each other's company and had alot of fun doing things together. Now I enjoy things more when she's not around.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there was a time then we had to put less into the relationship to get a certian level of enjoyment out of it, now it seems as though the relationship takes more just to get the same amount.

Did you think about what life would be like with out her or only what life was before her.I was in a similar position a few years ago and sat back one day and thought how my life would be with out her.Our 10 yr anniversary is in 18 days best decision i ever made.

"am I an Ahole?"

Every F'ing time I've ever asked that question, the answer is a resounding 'YES.'

I think it's that way for most people.

You married her, now own up to it. Don't be a ***** and jump because you're both BORED. Make it work.

So what if 'you work harder at work' boo F'ing hoo. You both chose your current careers. If you want a cushy office job, get one.

So what if you don't have the freedoms you used to. Why can't you sit around on a Saturday in your undies? Tell her ahead of time that it's your day, and you're going to watch the tube in your shorts. If she's bringing company over, let them know you're not going to be wearing pants. BUT: be prepared when she claims a day for her. If she wants to have all her girlfriends over to drink cosmos and watch bad TV, be supportive. I don't however suggest you both claim the same day as 'yours.'

Freedom Pt2: How's it feel to 100% of the time NOT use a condom. You haven't mentioned sex, but everyone here in a long term relationship knows you're thinking about it. I know I think about some strange once in a while. But I've committed to one woman, and I intend to keep that commitment. Until we were monogamous, it was condoms all the time. Now we're only with each other we don't worry about it. Do you want to go back to worrying about STD's, pregnancies, or sex with a condom? I'm gonna guess you don't.

I do think you and your lady should sit down and talk. Let it all out, scream and yell if you have to. If you keep it all in, you will end up exploding, and that's not good. I've been there and trashed a couple of really great relationships that way. You say your marriage is "good," so work on it now while you still have the chance.

B

f*ck it. you seem to have your mind made up already. If you want out this badly do it now. better now than 10 years and two kids from now. if you aren't committed to the marriage odds are you wont ever be and will just be prolonging the inevitable. from everything you have said here it seems, to me, that you are in a relationship of convenience. I was in a very similar situation recently. I was in the military and engaged to a girl I was dating for the better part of 4 years. things were never bad and anyone would call what we had a 'good' relationship. but I knew something just wasn't right and a marriage would be the worst thing for both of us. being in the military is very hard on a relationship. it turned out that my ex and I, while together for so long, didn't really ever spend much time with each other. I was on deployment or she was on deployment. . . once we both got out and spent all our time with each other I knew it wouldn't work. she was a great friend and I do miss her friendship from time to time but marriage could never have worked. I guess what I'm saying is maybe you guys were more committed to the idea of a relationship with each other rather than the relationship itself. but I could be totally off the mark here. please don't take any of my advice seriously. I am not a counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or anyone who is in any way capable of giving sound advice. just throwing out my $0.02

You asked the question, so here's my honest $0.02

Selfish people have a very hard time making a marriage work. And honestly... almost everything you've posted makes you sound very selfish - everything's about you. If you don't fix that, then you're going to have a miserable marriage, and probably a miserable life regardless. You'll rarely be satisfied, and your wife will resent you for being a selfish SOB.

Happily married people try hard to be considerate of each other and make sure each other's needs are being met. I get a lot of satisfaction out of doing things that make my wife happy, things that "fill her love tank" as she puts it. For example, do I like spending time shopping for clothes? It doesn't even register on my givea****ometer. However, somehow I discovered that she likes it when I go with her and give some input on the things she tries on, knowing I'll like what she wears and all, so I do it. I'll even look around for things that I think she would look cute in. I could die a happy man if I never shop for clothes again, but it makes her happy, and me happy in return. If it was just about me, I'd probably want to just sit around in my undies, drink beer, and watch TV, too.

So I say you have a choice. If you want to be selfish and do whatever the hell you want, leave your wife now, though I doubt you'll be happy. If you want to be a happily married couple, quit being selfish - this will require some work on your part and possibly some help from a counselor, mentor, church family, etc.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find happiness and contentment.

Since you asked... Yeah, a complete ass hole.

Any marriage is work, a lot of work. There is a period when the relationship goes from romance, fun, and flirty to best friends. It's usually full of frustration and drudgery. My wife and I have been together since we were 16, we married at 23, and have been married for 7 years. I often asked myself many times if I had wasted my opportunities to play the field and party with my friends. Looking back now, I wouldn't trade my wife in for all the tea in China.

There are plenty of people who are married to absolute bitches and are just miserable. They would give a testicle to be in a good relationship. Should you leave, and should you ever grow up, you are going to kick the hell out of yourself for throwing away such a good thing.

Some one mentioned the condom free sex... Do like a grocery store and double bag that bad boy... If you are too selfish for a marriage you are entirely way too selfish for children.

That's a good point about children. If a wife seems to steal all your fun time, a kid would be as fun as chopping your nuts off.

Here is an example. I'm happily married for 17 years. Never once thought about not being married. I have my play time, and lots of hobbies.

So I'm bringing some bottles out of the basement, which is very wet and nasty, trying to get my bottles cleaned up and out of the kitchen and into the garage. I find a 2 gallon drink cooler down there, from God knows when. Of course, I immediately grab it up to use as an MLT for trial batches.

As I'm cleaning it, I ask my wife where it came from and does she want to use it. She says she thinks it was from way back when we had a pop up, and we might want it for serving drinks to friends. Well, I say we normally just pop some stuff in a cooler, and anyway I was thinking about using it for brewing.

That is when she stops me and says, "You know, I wish you would show the same kind of attention to your family, as you do for your brewing."

So starts a whole conversation about what I do and what she does, and basically it comes down to I have way more interests and hobbies than I can possibly ever take part in. She basically watches TV and plays Bejeweled on the computer.

I have tried many times to get her to understand that I generally don't care for her tv shows, and mostly don't watch tv unless it's hockey or a good movie or something. Sometimes I sit and watch a movie that I normally wouldn't, just to be with her or the family, but watching a movie isn't "Quality Time" in opinion.

Sure, I need to be more conversational, and pay attention to the family. We ended up walking the dogs down the trail, which we all enjoyed (The kids biked it).

Lesson, sometimes you gotta do what you don't really want to do, and you have to be willing to let the other enjoy their life too. Let her watch her tv, while you play Xbox. But unless you both are into it, it's not quality time. Find some things that you both can enjoy doing.

Here's a hint: It likely won't be the same stuff you'd enjoyed when you were single. You guys are still young. Try some sht that you've never done before.

You committed yourself to this woman, and now you want to welch on the deal because you want to lay around in your boxers all day, drinking yourself silly and playing xbox?

Friend, not only are you an a-hole, you're an immature a-hole.

You're 27 years old. It's time to grow up. Now, if she's a complete fun-vacuum, then that's something you need to sit down and discuss with her, like adults. Getting all whiny about not being able to play your x-box and wanting to run away is something that someone half your age would do. Here in Adult Land™, we have honest conversations with those who we have pledged to spend our lives with, rather than running away so that we can be 18 again. You're 27, not 18, and this is how life works. Talk to the woman---you owe her at least that much. If she really loves you and cares about you, then she will understand, and she will work to help make things better for both of you. But bottling it up and smiling politely and sitting there through Jon and Kate plus 8, and then one day she wakes up to find you and your stuff gone, is no good for anyone. However, if she truly makes you unhappy and she is unwilling to compromise for the good of the marriage, then maybe things need to move in another direction...but that is something that is a last resort, after you have tried to work it out. But for chrissake...at least be honest with the woman before you talk about giving up on the marriage that you pledged yourself to.