The "Dear" , "Sincerely" thread

[DrunkleJon]

Dear coffee drinkers,
Its a conspiracy. They just want to sell more branded coffee cups for buy it already brewed at starballs prices.
Sincerely,
Guy wearing a foil hat

Dear overpriced coffee shops,
Why the hell do I have to learn a new language to order a large cup of black coffee? How hard is it to understand "I would like a large black coffee." And if I ask for a black coffee, can you please not short pour it an inch below the rim for space for me to add a gallon of cream sugar or frosting?
Sincerely,
Give me a cuppa coffee darnit

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Dear coffee drinkers,
Its a conspiracy. They just want to sell more branded coffee cups for buy it already brewed at starballs prices.
Sincerely,
Guy wearing a foil hat

Dear overpriced coffee shops,
Why the hell do I have to learn a new language to order a large cup of black coffee? How hard is it to understand "I would like a large black coffee." And if I ask for a black coffee, can you please not short pour it an inch below the rim for space for me to add a gallon of cream sugar or frosting?
Sincerely,
Give me a cuppa coffee darnit

From the movie Role Models:

Danny: Can I get a large black coffee?
Barista: A what?
Danny: Large black coffee.
Barista: Do you mean a venti?
Danny: No, I mean a large.
Barista: Venti is large.
Danny: No, venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages.
Barista: A venti is a large coffee.
Danny: Really? Says who? Fellini? Do you accept lira or is it all euros now?

Regards, GF.

 

[jhoneycutt]

From the movie Role Models:

Danny: Can I get a large black coffee?
Barista: A what?
Danny: Large black coffee.
Barista: Do you mean a venti?
Danny: No, I mean a large.
Barista: Venti is large.
Danny: No, venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages.
Barista: A venti is a large coffee.
Danny: Really? Says who? Fellini? Do you accept lira or is it all euros now?

Regards, GF.

Every time Starbucks makes the national news there a radio show here that plays that and spends time making fun of them lol.

 

[Inkleg]

Dear Give me a cuppa coffee darnit

I'm a "Venti bold no room for for cream" guy myself. Seriously, I just want a cup of coffee.

Sincerely,
I feel your pain.

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear Give me a cuppa coffee darnit

I'm a "Venti bold no room for for cream" guy myself. Seriously, I just want a cup of coffee.

Sincerely,
I feel your pain.

"Large Black Coffee" - Three Words, 4 syllables
"Venti bold no room for for cream" - Six words, 8 syllables
They really think I am that articulate without coffee? Hah!

 

[drainbamage]

"Large Black Coffee" - Three Words, 4 syllables
"Venti bold no room for for cream" - Six words, 8 syllables
They really think I am that articulate without coffee? Hah!

Dear DrunkleJon,

I read that as BK trying to order (if he were to set foot in a coffee shop):

"Your order, sir?"
"Mmmerrrrthaafffflerrrkinnclllllaawwfehhh!" - 1 word, ??? syllables

Sincerely,
Getting the thread back on format

 

[Beernik]

Dear fellow coffee drinkers,

Don't get me wrong. I do like a large (venti) mocha. But when I order it, I get 4 shots of espresso. And I like a good frap because that's as close to ice cream as I can get without risking a shart attack.

But I would have to run a Keurig 9 times to satisfy my wife's and my weekday morning coffee needs. That's not what I'm looking for in a $200 coffee maker. Can't they make a 5 cup version? How about 2 cups?

I can get a 2 cup french press and it doesn't cost $200.

Sincerely,

I would be drinking coffee right now but my wife hid the coffee filters somewhere in the hotel kitchen.

 

[Billy-Klubb]

Dear DrunkleJon,

I read that as BK trying to order (if he were to set foot in a coffee shop):

"Your order, sir?"
"Mmmerrrrthaafffflerrrkinnclllllaawwfehhh!" - 1 word, ??? syllables

Sincerely,
Getting the thread back on format

Dear getting Back,

That's real close!
me: Iwannnaammmeerrtherflllerrrkincaaawwwwfffeeeeehhhh!!!
them: What?!?
me: Black. No cream or sugar.

Sincerely,
Wheresmymmmeerrtherflllerrrkincaaawwwwfffeeeeehhhh!!!

 

[Zepth]

Dear people in line,
When I ask "would you like some coffee with that" immediately after you order a 4X4 (being 4 cream 4 sugar for those not in the know) it's mocking you.
Sincerely,
Guy who can't stand my jokes not being understood.

 

[Billy-Klubb]

Dear people in line,
When I ask "would you like some coffee with that" immediately after you order a 4X4 (being 4 cream 4 sugar for those not in the know) it's mocking you.
Sincerely,
Guy who can't stand my jokes not being understood.

Dear Ununderstandable Jokesmith,

Maybe they're a little latte to the party.

Sincerely,
Wheresmymmmeerrtherflllerrrkincaaawwwwfffeeeeehhhh !!! part duex

 

[biochemedic]

Dear Hop Shot,

I somehow knew I shouldn't have tasted you, but I couldn't help myself. Holy God, you are bitter!

Sincerely,
My tongue still tastes like an entire hop field

 

[biochemedic]

Dear Hop Shot,

Holy crap, man! It was only a teensy drop...why are you still on my tongue?

Sincerely,
My palate has never been this blown

 

[Inkleg]

Dear Hop Tongue,

Thanks for the heads up.

Sincerely,
I would have done the same thing.

 

[Billy-Klubb]

Dear Hop Shot,

Holy crap, man! It was only a teensy drop...why are you still on my tongue?

Sincerely,
My palate has never been this blown

Dear Hop Tongue,

Thanks for the heads up.

Sincerely,
I would have done the same thing.

Dear These Two Guys,

I'm guessing y'all don't want one of Darwin's Favorite IPAs then?

Sincerely,
Bwahahahahhahahahaha!!!!

 

[Psylocide]

Dear wort,

I wish it didn't take so long for you to turn into bottle conditioned beer.

Sincerely,

The really impatient and obsessive beer fiend.

 

[Black Island Brewer]

Dear wort,

I wish it didn't take so long for you to turn into bottle conditioned beer.

Sincerely,

The really impatient and obsessive beer fiend.

Dear really impatient and obsessive beer fiend,
Let me introduce you to the concept of a "beer pipeline". Anyone who is impatient while waiting for their beer to carb up simply hasn't brewed enough beer. Either brew bigger batches or brew more often.
Sincerely,
Has 30 gallons in his pipeline

 

[Psylocide]

Dear really impatient and obsessive beer fiend,
Let me introduce you to the concept of a "beer pipeline". Anyone who is impatient while waiting for their beer to carb up simply hasn't brewed enough beer. Either brew bigger batches or brew more often.
Sincerely,
Has 30 gallons in his pipeline

Dear 30 g pipeline,

I picked up my dads old brewing equip. a week ago and I now have 10g in carboys. I do have an empty Ale pail though... ha.

Sincerely,

Dude, I'm working as fast as I can.

 

[biochemedic]

Dear really impatient and obsessive beer fiend,
Let me introduce you to the concept of a "beer pipeline". Anyone who is impatient while waiting for their beer to carb up simply hasn't brewed enough beer. Either brew bigger batches or brew more often.
Sincerely,
Has 30 gallons in his pipeline

Dear Has 30 gallons in his pipeline,

I wish I could brew that much...

Sincerely,
Life gets in the way...

 

[Qhrumphf]

Dear 30 gallons in the pipeline,

You're slacking.

Sincerely,
45 gallons in the fermenters, not counting bottles.


Dear Life gets in the way,

You need to get your priorities straight, son.

Sincerely,
No excuses.

 

[Qhrumphf]

Dear Hop Shot Licker,

You were also the type to shove your hand in the fire and the fork in the socket, weren't you?

Sincerely,
Done my share of stupid things I'm not proud of.

 

[balrog]

Dear Really Clear Beer 3wks In Fermenter
I am so very sorry about me new autosiphon everyone told me to get but I didn't take even a little time to practice first and munged and dropped and stirred you into muddy slop today.
Sincerely,
Needs 3 hands with this silly thing and a real clip that really works and doesn't break

 

[ChefRex]

Dear 45 gallons in the fermenters, not counting bottles.

This would be impressive if any of those beers had any real ABV.

Signed, As much but with more of the good stuff.

 

[Qhrumphf]

Dear As much but with more,

Remmy, is that you? Oh wait, I'm sorry, I forgot you folks weren't capable of actually brewing something flavorful unless it was buried in ABV...

Sincerely,
U mad bro?

 

[Zepth]

Dear pipeline folks,
I'd like to join your club.
Sincerely,
10g on tap, 10g lagering, 28g in fermenters.

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear oatmeal cream stout I kegged a couple weeks ago,
I am sorry. I really should have transferred you to the keg sooner. I really meant to do it and not leave you in the fermenter on the countertop in my basement kitchen where temps fluctuated +-15-20 degrees with the airlock on for a couple weeks. I deserve you being drier than intended and not the way I wanted you to turn out. I will do better from here on out. I promise.
Sincerely,
Said that before, mean it this time

PS, on the plus side everybody who drank you on Saturday night really liked you so I am glad you do not hate me for being so irresponsible.

 

[Billy-Klubb]

Dear As much but with more,

Remmy, is that you? Oh wait, I'm sorry, I forgot you folks weren't capable of actually brewing something flavorful unless it was buried in ABV...

Sincerely,
U mad bro?

Dear Brother Mad,

I hate my liver. I hate everyone's liver.

Sincerely,
Fave Beans and a Nice Chilled Chianti

 

[Qhrumphf]

Dear Brother Mad,

I hate my liver. I hate everyone's liver.

Sincerely,
Fave Beans and a Nice Chilled Chianti

Dear Chianti,

Fffffffftptttptptptpffffffptptptpt.

Sincerely,
Dr. Lecter

 

[Devin]

Dear Off Flavors,

Screw you.

Sincerely,

Me

 

[Komocabo]

Dear Me,

Screw you!

Sincerely,
Off flavors

 

[Komocabo]

Dear sour beer,

I really, really don't get it... Just plain nasty!

It's called a spoiled batch of good beer. Re-labeling it doesn't make it taste better.

Sincerely,
Been wanting to get that off my chest for a while

 

[Psylocide]

Dear

Dear sour beer,

I really, really don't get it... Just plain nasty!

It's called a spoiled batch of good beer. Re-labeling it doesn't make it taste better.

Sincerely,
Been wanting to get that off my chest for a while

Dear off your chest guy,

I know. The best one I had tasted like ten year old Worcestershire sauce mixed with mustard and death.

Foul stuff... different strokes.

Sincerely,

Don't get it, doesn't bother me.

 

[TXCrash]

Dear Chevrolet,
Please explain to me why one of your cars, that was assembled in Canada, no less, refuses to start when it gets below twenty degrees.

Sincerely,
Frozen Fingers in Minnesota

Dear Chebby buyer,
Haha!
Sincerely,
Ford Guy


Dear coffee drinkers,
I like it hot, I like it black, No cream, no sugar, no Keurig bullsh!t. I love my YouBrew coffee maker, but the coffee from the french press/hairo skelton is better.
Sincerely,
Never enough time to drink all the coffee I want. Traveling sucks, starbucks isn't open early enough most places, and gas station coffee is foul when black... until you're at least 5 (20 oz) cups in...

 

[feinbera]

Dear coffee drinkers,
I like it hot, I like it black, No cream, no sugar, no Keurig bullsh!t. I love my YouBrew coffee maker, but the coffee from the french press/hairo skelton is better.
Sincerely,
Never enough time to drink all the coffee I want. Traveling sucks, starbucks isn't open early enough most places, and gas station coffee is foul when black... until you're at least 5 (20 oz) cups in...

Dear Traveling Sucks,

We're sorry we couldn't meet your high expectations. We strive to please all of our customers equally, and apologize that there is still some volume of lo-calorie sweetener, non-dairy creamer, and artificial flavoring syrup which will make our product palatable. Please check back soon – we've got some really exciting things in the works with Clostridium-fermented lima beans kilned to about 450L!

Sincerely,
Gas station coffee

 

[Beernik]

Dear Child of Mine,

When the assignment says, "Write the spelling test words with the consonants in blue and the vowels in red," why do you come upstairs with green and brown pencils?

Sincerely,

Dad's Twitching Eyeball

 

[Qhrumphf]

Dear Twitching Eyeballs,

I don't need your rules. Or Colorblindness. Yeah, that's it. Colorblindness.

Sincerely,
Child of Mine

 

[Inkleg]

Dear Hitachi Wand,

You just ROCKED my wife's world..................again.

Sincerely,
That was fun for both of us!

 

[Natdavis777]

Dear homemade pizza dough,

I have conquered you....

Sincerely,

Wannabe glorified chef

 

[balrog]

Dear Child of Mine,

When the assignment says, "Write the spelling test words with the consonants in blue and the vowels in red," why do you come upstairs with green and brown pencils?

Sincerely,

Dad's Twitching Eyeball

Dear Twitching Eyeball,
Aaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahaha
Sincerely,
Mine are finally old enough to go to college....and once back there post holiday, immediately call - not to express gratitude or how they miss me - but to have me tear apart the house and car looking for the forgotten room key and Dropped meal plan card

 

[Qhrumphf]

Dear kids in college,

Get a job.

Sincerely,
I don't have kids in college, I'm just tired of spoiled college kids.

 

[soccerdad]

Dear Sour Beer Hatas -

Will ya just try being hip for once in yer miserable friggin' life?

Sincerely,

We who knows what's KOOL