texts from last night

[bashe]

(215): May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night

1.3.5.7.9...

 

[Ceedubya]

(305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
(615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister


(516): what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my ******


And one from my home state!

(406): Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.

 

[Ceedubya]

(904): the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

FTW

 

[bashe]

Here is one from my home state for ya.

(256): You took my girl thats shot the **** out. You better watch your skinny ass.
(1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
(256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
(1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

 

[Brewin_Bob]

Should NOT have looked at that site today. There goes my productivity.

(702): i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"

(850): Miracle whip is the devil's ****.

(425): my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.

(616): Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95

 

[bashe]

(818): Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
(770): I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.

That just sounds gross

(770): Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
(404): Are you drunk?
(770): A little...yes
(404): Run!
(770): Terrible brother advice.

(678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
(770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

(310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
(770): b/c u have herpes
(310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" *******.

(770): Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
(404): Um. I believe with my boyfriend, ****
(770): ****. Wron person. But yea

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(847): I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"

.
..
...
....

 

[Ceedubya]

(250): do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
(1-250): tequila


(720): How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.

(315): I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a ****
(203): For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(678): What are you drinking?
(404): ****ty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

.
.
Mmmmmm.....high school
.
.

 

[Saccharomyces]

OMG the locals are hysterical. I bet 90% of them are UT students... I nearly spit out my beer.

(512): he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.

(512): He told me I remind him of his sister...
(917): Was this before or after you did it?
(512): before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.

 

[DeathBrewer]

so true...

(+33): I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.

 

[JohnnyO]

Here are two good ones that I found today:

(815): yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything

(269): We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(209): is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
(1-209): yes...dear jesus what did you do?
(209): bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

.
surely no good can come of this

(702): Its only 8 and she is already passed out
(1-702): Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2

 

[Ceedubya]

(678): What are you drinking?
(404): ****ty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL


(314): Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
(314): Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..


eeeewwwwww



(619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

 

[harrydrez]

(518): Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(949): Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami

 

[GregR]

(619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

ah San Diego. . .

 

[sean102385]

not a text from last night but one i just recieved today

Fathers day is for thanking your dad for having sex with your mom.
Mothers day is to tahnk your mom for not swallowing you.

horrible images in everyones head!!!!!

 

[Ceedubya]

ah San Diego. . .

More....

(716): why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
(860): its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
(716): i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal

not a text from last night but one i just recieved today

Fathers day is for thanking your dad for having sex with your mom.
Mothers day is to tahnk your mom for not swallowing you.

horrible images in everyones head!!!!!

I just sent that to 10 people, that is funny.

 

[Ceedubya]

there is ALWAYS an alterior motive...

(650): so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
(415): What...you let him do that?
(650): It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow



where were these girls when I was single????

(978): Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
(617): dude are you serious?
(978): I know you already have a pic on your phone

 

[slimer]

......must go to Roscoes.......

Roscoes is a gay bar, but different strokes for different folks.

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(484): Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.

.
Sound advice
.

 

[DeathBrewer]

Perfect punctuation. I can almost taste her dismay.

 

[Ceedubya]

Roscoes is a gay bar, but different strokes for different folks.

meh, a hands a hand right?

 

[ezboarderz]

(949): Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.

hahahahaha

 

[Ceedubya]

(650): my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp


(727): My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo



girls are awesome

 

[ChshreCat]

Roscoes is a gay bar, but different strokes for different folks.

Do they have anything good on tap?

I'm not above going to a gay bar if the beer's good enough. Especially since I might get one or two sent to my table for free.

 

[thataintchicken]

Do they have anything good on tap?

yeah.. but the Multi-Quat sanitizer gets rid of most of it.

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(508): he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg

.
I have no idea why I find this funny, but I do
.
.

 

[Dwain]

Dude, I've been drinking, but this site is one of the best! - Dwain