texts from last night

[DeathBrewer]

(561): You drink too much
(1-561): No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

(646): If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.

(813): i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it

(831): Hey, what are you up to?
(802): Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
(802): Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

(207): I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.

(702): I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.

 

[Doog_Si_Reeb]

Wow! Good find!

(404): My penis looks like a roll of pennies
(303): Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
(404): Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...

That's some funny ****!

 

[DeathBrewer]

SRSLY. Some EPIC stuff in here:

(908): what if I'm pregnant?
(848): smusmorshion

(781): i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
(1-781): didn't that happen to you last weekend?
(781): shut up.

(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.

(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that

(614): I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.

(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

 

[llazy_llama]

Aww, DB... Say it ain't so.

https://www.homebrewtalk.com/f45/remember-text-you-shouldnt-have-sent-we-do-116484/

 

[DeathBrewer]

aww...I didn't even check

 

[DeathBrewer]

Oh well, at least these ones are different

Looking through the old thread...some funny **** on there, too.

 

[llazy_llama]

Yeah, I hadn't seen this one before:
(908): what if I'm pregnant?
(848): smusmorshion

Simply awesome.

 

[Doog_Si_Reeb]

Wow.... just wow... So much for studying for a Digi Comm Theory final....

(609): if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow

(651): dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.

(703): I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this ****in recession

Maybe I'll try this one with SWMBO tonight.

(203): The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your ****s for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.

Another gem:

(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom

 

[DeathBrewer]

Some more...

(217): What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.

(406): When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.

(610): she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this ****in recession

(905): I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it

(310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
(770): b/c u have herpes
(310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" *******.

OK, I've actually had to do this a few times:

(504): i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.

 

[DeathBrewer]

A few more before I leave werk...

(914): i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"

(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

(917): what time did you get home last night?
(1-917): SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
(1-917): He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott

 

[GregR]

(310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
(770): b/c u have herpes
(310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" *******.

thanks, I totally need to clean my laptop anyway.

 

[DeathBrewer]

I've read a couple dozen pages of that **** today. Man, every couple of pages, you just get one that splits your gut.

(914): ? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
(773): jesus mom

 

[DeathBrewer]

I should really go to bed.

(804): You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
(1-804): If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.

(312): awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the *****cat dolls !!!!!
(708): Did someone propose they get off the stage?

 

[DeathBrewer]

This is from my area:

(925): i think i just met the girl of my dreams. someone made a serious statement about rape and she said "pish posh, i love surprise sex"

 

[tspilker]

I started reading these at work and I was laughing so hard I was in tears. lol I was getting strange looks from everyone.

 

[LooyvilleLarry]

LOL, we did this last week. I can't go there during the day - I was laughing so hard I cried !

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(478): wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.

 

[LakeErieBrew]

I read about 200 of those just now. awesome

 

[DeathBrewer]

I'm still at it...

(212): This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.

 

[DeathBrewer]

This one gave me the roflles.

(312): Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
(773): You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

 

[MNBugeater]

Wow..I haven't laughed this hard in a long time...


(510): I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
(1-510): It was probably Jesus.
(510): I feel like he would have left a message.


(760): Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.


(910): He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
(910): I think that's fair trade off


(626): i need an iv and a liver transplant


(518): I hraet yuo
(862): did you say you heart me or hate me?
(518): who is this?

 

[RedIrocZ-28]

DAMN!

(314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

 

[Seabee John]

(713): Holy ****! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.

amazing thing is... that's not even weird in Louisiana

 

[Uncle Timmy]

(773): I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.

................

 

[DeathBrewer]

Woah. I'll bet they didn't go on a second date.

 

[SnickASaurusRex]

(509): went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.

that got me goin

 

[johnnyc]

(202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
(703): It's the American dream

 

[johnnyc]

(916): is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
(1-916): what happened to yours?
(916): i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.

Anyone here?

 

[Arneba28]

(626): What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
(1-626): You have mice?
(626): no why?

Really, I am wierd and could not think of the reasons for the mouse traps. nipples?

 

[Arneba28]

(573): Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??

Wow, just had that situation. not funny.